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Saturday, February 21, 2015

Sometimes there isn't the happy ending with the kids

2 years ago, I got married.  Congratulations to me.  What everyone wants shortly after marrying is to start a family.  Maybe not everyone, but most people.  What I learned is that you don't always get that.  Some people go to a fertility doctor and are able to get the help they need.  I have some friends who did this.  They learned they couldn't get pregnant because of low sperm motility, but with IVF (in-vitro fertilization) they now have three children.  It was a very emotionally painful process for them.  My friend couldn't understand why I didn't burn with envy at seeing her being a mommy with her children.  I thought my time would come.
Another friend of mine went to her doctor and tried endless rounds of Clomid in hopes of producing more eggs and doing things more naturally.  This never worked out for them.  He didn't want to do IVF.  Finally, they adopted 2 children.

Not everyone has the money for IVF or other treatments when they go to the doctor.  There are programs where people donate money for lower income people to have children with medical intervention.  Even the drug companies offer financial assistance.

For me, I guess it's far more complicated.  About 10 years ago, I had an episode where I bled for a few weeks straight.  I went to doctors and they couldn't figure out what was wrong.  I had painful menstruation for many years.  But this was never diagnosed until recently.

I thought my fertility problems would be solved when I started taking thyroid medicine.  Hypothyroid can cause horrible infertility.  But this didn't resolve anything.  I finally went to the fertility doctor after a year of nothing happening.  The diagnosis process sent me to the hospital with an infection.  And I never did get pregnant from trying IVF or with assisted insemination.  The surgery to remove the fibroid and endometriosis, I never recovered from.

And now, here I am, married, not able to get pregnant.  And even worse, sex is now extremely painful.  This is not great news.  People do not understand how much can go wrong physically from surgery or infertility.  Have a little more sympathy for women after pregnancy.  I hear that can tear you up.  They often cut the vagina or the cervix to help the baby come out.  There are a million nerve endings in this area.  Unfortunately, I don't get the kids or any of the fun.  I have the man, but the marriage feels incomplete without out the bonding of enjoying sex together or the kids. 

I mean, sure, we can adopt.  But I have to wrap my head around that.  People do have so many more options like hiring a surrogate to have a child for you, donor eggs, donor sperm. 

After a lot of soul-searching, I no longer believe life begins at conception.  Why?  Because there are a million reasons why pregnancies do not make it to term.  There are genetic malfuctions because the embryo doesn't divide correctly and the pregnancy just ends - at just about anytime. Most of the time, a woman hardly notices.  A woman might lose a pregnancy before a pregnancy test would even pick anything up and never know it.  She might only really catch on if she's been pregnant a few months.

I recommend the book "How to Get Pregnant" by Dr. Sherman Silber if you really want to get into the science behind this.

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1 comment:

SavvyD said...

BTW - a friend of mine had a miscarriage and still mourns the loss of this child. It is not her fault. And my belief that life does not begin at conception does not change this loss for her. This is personal for each individual.