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Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Get out of the friend zone - some advice for the single dudes.

Sometimes a guy in the friend zone has no one to blame but himself.  Yes, I'm talking to you who go around thinking you're a "niceguy."  There was a group of guys I was friends with in college.  I was open to dating some of them, but they never asked me out... I sort of got together with one of them, but, well, it was weird.

Finally, the time seemed right to make something happen with one of them.  After a passionate kiss with one of these guys I will call Ken, he backed off.

Ken:  That was a really great kiss, but...
Savvy:  But what?
Ken:  It's just that I can't.
Savvy:  What?
Ken:  Well, it's just that Don likes you.
Savvy:  What?
Ken:  Don likes you and I don't want to do that to him - as a friend I mean.
Savvy:  Don doesn't like me.  He hasn't asked me out.
Ken:  He does like you.  He talks about you all the time.
Savvy:  But he doesn't talk to me about this.
Ken:  Trust me, he likes you.
Savvy:  This sounds like how they tell you that in junior high and it's not really true, they're just punking you.
Ken:  No, it's not like that.
Savvy:  Um, yeah, right.  He doesn't call me.  He hasn't asked me out.  If he likes me, he's doing a really crappy job of showing it.

Don had plenty of opportunities to tell me he liked me.  He knew my number and had plenty of chances.  We were friends.  I even spent the night at his parents house when a mutual friend of ours got married.  He didn't say anything about his feelings.  The only thing I can think of is that we weren't really a match.  Since I am now married, I can tell you that one of the things that really worked between my husband and myself to get things started was that we enjoyed witty reparte.  I got the sense early on that Don did not.  Was he scared of me?  I have no idea.

While I spent some time feeling bad about a missed opportunity with Don, we actually did go out once.  It was a disaster.  I never got the sense that he liked me as anything more than a friend.

So, ultimately, my advice to you that are in the friend zone is to make a move.  Actually take the step to "ruin the friendship."  If someone is truly your friend, the girl will understand that at least you tried and it wasn't there.  But, let's face it, you probably aren't really friends with that girl you're in love with to be her friend.  Your being her friend in hopes of her noticing you.  Well, you idiot, she's never going to notice you if you don't ask her out.  And if you do ask her out, that doesn't mean it's going to work just because you finally asked her out.  Things have to click on a date.

I mean this for YOUR OWN GOOD.  Now just ask that girl out and get out of her friend zone.  It's freeing.  And now you'll know if she even sees you as anything more than just a friend.  If that means you don't want to be friends anymore, that's totally OK.  Human relationships are complex.  You don't owe anyone any explanations.

Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment! Commenting is now open to everyone! (Write to me for advice! SavvySingleChristian@yahoo.com)


MarkyMark said...

Take the risk, yes. HOWEVER-you chicks know within 60 seconds whether or not you'll EVER sleep with the guy; you're either attracted, or you aren't-end of story.

SavvyD said...

I actually don't think that way. I give time for attraction to build. Although, my husband was never in the "friend zone." With Christian chicks, it's not supposed to be about sex, but also determining if someone would be a good marriage partner - something much more complicated than deciding if you will hook up.

MarkyMark said...

I understand what you're saying, and in principle, I agree. That said, for a woman, either attraction is there, or it's not. Just like a guy can either sing, or he can't; there's no in between...

Robbin Empson said...

Markymark...you are so incredibly wrong... You are describing men my friend not women... But that's understandable as you are a man... Not a woman.