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Sunday, February 5, 2012

Oh no! He’s a slow bro! What’s a girl to do?

You’ve all seen them at church - those guys who no one can figure out why they are single. They have good jobs. They have social skills. They plan events. But they don’t date. At all.

The rumors fly. Is he gay? I heard he’s gay. All of the good ones are taken or gay. If they like me, they must be gay.

He’s not gay. He’s not completely abnormal. But he is a slow bro. He will be the last of his friends to marry – if he marries at all. He may be good at making friends, but when it comes to asking a girl out he can’t bring himself to do it. He’ll talk your ear off at a party. He’ll sit next to you at the young adult group. You’ll feel like you really connect – and you do. But he won’t ever ask you out.

There are a number of factors at work for a slow bro.
  • He doesn’t anyone out because nowadays church tells them not to. It’s ok to be single nowadays. Girls want to be single longer because they have career dreams they want to achieve, too.
  • He’s never actually had a girlfriend, or he’s had very few. He was always told to wait by his family. High school is too young to be involved with girls. College is still considered to be too young. And after college the pool diminishes.
  • He is afraid of being a jerk. If things don’t work out, he won’t be able to ask anyone else out in the social circle, so he freezes and doesn’t ask anyone at all.
  • He might have a secret girlfriend and no one knows about it. This means he might not actually be a slow bro, but just not interested.
  • He is waiting to date until he has achieved a financial goal he has set for himself. He might want to have a certain amount saved up. He might want to own a home first.
  • He might be very idealistic about dating and marriage. He is waiting for “the One.” He thinks he will have a feeling or he’ll “just know” or know that he wants to marry you before he even asks her out, or that he should know he wants to marry you after 3 dates.  (Seriously, that's what one guy told me.)
  • He believes in courtship or betrothal because he is very idealistic.
  • The church has set the bar too high and he isn't ready for what he feels the church requires in terms of "spiritual leadership" - whatever that means.  Quite frankly the church may have have standards or implied standards through what everyone is reading (I Kissed Dating Goodbye) that Mr. Joe Average Christian just can't live up to.
  • He has very specific interests and is looking for someone who shares them.
  • His standards of beauty are too high and you don’t meet them. And he doesn’t have the maturity to realize that he is keeping himself from having a relationship with a real woman. I have talked to men who only date blondes, only date models, or only date 10s.
  • He has been really hurt in previous relationships because he is a slow bro or those wounds turned him into a slow bro.
  • He is shy and needs you to make some sort of move so he has the confidence to ask you out.
  • Dating is hard and he would rather focus on his career.
  • He thinks you’ll say no. (Actually the previous one is like this one.)

So what’s a girl to do? Nothing. You can’t change a slow bro. He is not ready fro whatever reason, whether it be one or all of these reasons. One day he will be ready. And it won’t be on your timetable. It will be on his – whether that means he’s 30, 40, or 50 when he marries.

No really, what’s a girl to do?? Move on. Find another crush. Open your heart to a guy who actually asks you out. He might be a great guy, but he just isn’t there.

No, really, come on, I can’t just move on! OK, OK. The final option if you can’t move on easily is to do the asking yourself. Invite him to coffee or something you know he enjoys. If he says yes, great. If he says no, move on. You might have to go the next step and admit your feelings and ask him if he also has feelings. You might think it's "too forward" but seriously, if you can't say how you feel, perhaps you lack maturity. Guys just don't normally say anything about how they feel.

Just be aware that, it might work out if you say something. I had friends in college who started dating after the girl said something. They ended up getting married. I dated a really nice guy in college for a few months after I told him that I saw him as more than just my math tutor. Guys give points to "ballsy" girls.

You can also try a well-placed flirtatious hint as I did when I met my current boyfriend.  Please

Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment! (Thanks also for lurking. I don't allow anonymous comments. SavvySingleChristian@yahoo.com)


Robin said...

I never really believed the "I want to focus on my career/school/college right now" excuse. I believe the person might really to focus on those things, but if the perfect dream guy/girl came along, most of them would drop that "No dating until..." rule in a second.

But I'm only going by my past experiences with those guys who always wanted to "focus on...", and then had a new girlfriend within a month. I don't think that people are always BS-ing with this line; they may have every intention of following it. Yet some people will tell you that they met their partner/spouse when they weren't actively trying to date.

"I have talked to men who only date blondes, only date models, or only date 10s." <-- Me too! And I've talked to women who only date men with specific hair and eye color combinations. Seriously.

SavvyD said...

People have a way of saying things that they think will not get them into trouble. Sometimes those things are true.
Some people really are putting off committed relationships for other goals - at least until they hit someone that gives them the love at first sight feeling.

And until they meet that right person, they might be telling the truth. Some people believe that it must be love at first sight or it's not something they will pursue.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like the guy described in this great LP cut from the great 1970s group, BREAD.
"He's a Good Lad."


Anonymous said...

Sounds like the guy described in this great LP cut from the great 1970s group, BREAD.
"He's a Good Lad."