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Sunday, May 29, 2011

Are you there God? It's me, Savvy

I thought I lost my tape recorder and I prayed really hard for you to help me find it. I hadn't seen it in a week and was pretty sure I lost it. Well, after one of these prayers, I looked under my new signed copy of Stuff White People Like and there it was, buried. I had looked in that bag before. How did I not see it? What a relief. I wish it were like that all the time, but it's not...

When I was having some legal troubles, I prayed really hard, and it seemed like you heard me. You answered my prayer and things got better. There are still some stressful things going on, but that thing was huge.

But I have been praying ferverently for a boyfriend/husband and it's like you are completely deaf. I'm terrified now that I will never find someone who likes me. I see men who I think are amazing and they never like me.

People tell me how they suffer to attend church without their non-beliving husbands. Really? How about with no husband at all and not much hope of ever finding one? I would trade with those women in a hot minute. I've always gone to church by myself and sat in pews on my own. It'd be nice to have someone to go home to.

I don't fit in with worldly guys. And I don't know why the church guys don't even see me. My girlfriends reassure me that I'm pretty. I don't see it. How can I be pretty if the guys never like me? When people compliment me, I'm shocked. I have attractive qualities? Why don't the good men see them and ask me out? If they do see them, why don't they ask me out?

I have this crush on a man who I think would be great for me - or someone like him. If someone else came along, I would certainly give that up, but there isn't anyone. No one. Not at all. Just the bad ones who I tell to go away.

Are you really there? Why don't you do something? I'm losing faith in You because you just don't seem to care.


Chronicler said...

I do understand. I spent so much time getting to be the "go-to-girl" for the Christian guys in my church... when the guy I had a crush on told me he liked my friend, I had to put my feelings aside and be a support, even though I felt they were wrong for each other. Another guy would come and ask my advice about stuff with his girlfriend. I would sometimes wonder, "Why, God? Am I good enough to be a friend they can come to for help but am I never going to be the wife they could love?"

This feeling grew even stronger as all my friends, especially those younger than me, began to get married and instead of being a friend, I felt like some kind of single freakshow that people only want to visit with when their husbands aren't around. Apparently being in my mid-twenties means I have passed the appropriate age for getting married, and the fact that I have gone to school and have a career just makes me some kind of oddity.

I've prayed about this so much, and nothing ever seemed to happen... until this year.

Still no prospects... I live in a prospect-less town, but God brough me a friend instead. Another single, Christian female who feels as I do, and since I guess it's not time for me to have my husband yet, God has instead given me a friend to help me through this time.

On the note of having a non-believing guy, I dated a guy who only became a Christian because he knew I wouldn't date him otherwise. He is one of the two guys I have ever dated, and I can, with honesty, say I would never do it again. He tried, but his heart was not in the same place as mine, and no matter how much he cared for me, there was still a huge block in our relationship because of the God-factor.

Don't give up.

I will be praying for you and your future husband every time I pray for mine.

SavvyD said...

Hey Hon,

Friends are definitely a blessing.

Thanks for your response,it was a blessing to me. :)


Miss365 said...

Oh hon. I have no easy answers. I'm 36 and I haven't really gone past the 4th date or been kissed in almost 12 years. All I can do is look at the good things that I have been able to do in the seemingly endless season of being one my own and keep reminding myself to hear His voice that tells me it's not that I don't deserve a husband or that there is something unworthy about me. Your blog makes a difference. You are one of the inspirations for my blog and writing it all down has helped me more than I can express. You are making a difference. I'm praying :)

SilverRain said...

As one who has been married, and as one who is and was single, I can tell you it is MUCH worse to be married to someone you cannot be a full partner with.

My ex joined my church before marrying me. At first, he went, but then he mostly stopped. Then he tried to get me to stop.

It sucked. A lot. It made me question my faith, my loyalties. It threw my whole world into chaos.

As nice as it must be to have someone to share your life with, it is a glimpse into the depths of hell to share your life with someone who won't really share your life.

Being validated by someone you are attracted to can be wonderful. But it can never replace your own self-worth and your own relationship with the divine.

SavvyD said...

@Silver Rain I understand how you feel. I hear what you are saying. But I guess there is a difference between someone who just doesn't believe everything you believe as opposed to someone who asks you not to believe what you do and he used to.

I already have a horrible time with music and have had a few guys and girls tell me what to/ what not to listen to. It's disrespectful to tell someone their music is bad/wrong/unacceptable.

It's worse with religion. I'm just saying that i would be willing to accept someone who doesn't believe the same things I do so long as he doesn't tell me not to.

me said...

From me as a guy, I also identify with what you are saying.
Sure, I can definitely see in my life God answering other prayers and moving in other areas of my life. But, when it comes to praying for a spouse/girlfriend, nothing!

Plus, I never get past the first few dates. The ex girlfriend I have mentioned that I contacted again, we went out for 2 months. That is the most yet.

I'm thinking of asking her for lunch, but the reluctance stems from a weariness of always being rejected, I'll probably go ahead. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I do think people have too high expectations of what they are expected in a potential spouse. (Maybe if I lived 40-50 years, I think I would have been married now) I think people are looking for the perfect person and so never want to commit at all (Perhaps especially Christians?). In the end though, our lives here are finite and we can't keep keeping our options option.

SavvyD said...

Don't wait for prime rib from Kobe beef when what you really want is a burger.