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Sunday, January 23, 2011

Let's talk about being Celibate in the City

Does being celibate keep you from harm or harm your potential to have relationships? Let's talk. I had to make my post a blog entry because it was getting really long.
Anon #10 (at 44) "the law of chastity can and does protect us from harmful and unhealthy relationships. However, it does so in the same way that abstaining from eating food will protect us from food poisoning, or abstaining from ever leaving our houses will protect us from drive-by shootings."

To Anon #10

--Abstaining from food and abstaining from sex are not the same thing at all except in this:

Eat healthy food that tastes good to you. Eat fruits and vegetables. Avoid junk food.

this equals:

Have healthy sex with people who you feel you can trust and who care about you. If that takes marriage, it's what you need. If that takes engagement, it's what you need. If it takes a commitment first, it's what you need. (The Christian ideal is still to wait until marriage.)

If someone doesn't care about your commitment needs now, they aren't going to care about those needs when you are in a more serious relationship/married. Sex is not a magic bullet that makes someone behave and treat you with respect. If that were true, no one would ever cheat, no one would ever beat their spouses, etc.

As quality relationships become harder to find, people move sex farther up on the chain of importance as they aren't sure when they will get it again. Instead of lovers who love and make love, we have "friends with benefits" and "fuck buddies"--no relationship required. If I can't be married, can't I at least have a lover who loves me, cares for me, and is committed to me? Not even that can be found nowadays.

Instead of being more satisfying sex and truly communicating with someone, it's like a bag of chips you grab when you are hungry. Maybe you can get away with it a few times, but it's ultimately unsatisfying and unhealthy. The end result of fast food eating: obesity and heart attacks. The end result of sex with the wrong person in the wrong kind of relationship? LEGION.

The only thing that could make that kind of fast food sex satisfying is to have a story to tell--doing it with a favorite rock star, extremely wealthy person, actor, public figure, politician,sports star.

PS Maybe you don't live near where there are driveby shootings, but I do. You can be shot in your house. In other words, there are errors in your arguments.

The New York Times is talking about celibacy and singleness. Why are we having such a hard time?


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Megs said...

It is so hard to be a 20 something in NYC and say no to sex. I have "lost" guys because after a month I have told them I am waiting for marriage. I have learned that I have to be very careful when I date now. Most of these guys were not Christian and did not really understand why I wanted to wait. However, even some of the Christian guys didn't understand. It is frustrating when you feel like you are the only one who thinks that sex is a serious thing that shouldn't be treated so casually, or as you put it "Sex is not a magic bullet that makes someone behave and treat you with respect."

I think that more and more people are starting to say things like this. I believe that slowly our generation is learning that hooking up is not the best thing. I hope this is true.

SavvyD said...

@Megs yes, it's so true. Raise it to 30s and it's even worse. I'm repeating myself, but people also seem very rushed about sex because they don't know when they will get it again, so they get really pushy about it and forget about what the other person might need first.

Maybe you can tell them you only want to in a serious relationship that could be longterm and you don't know if it's serious with the guy yet.

But yeah, I've heard it all by now. I've had a lot of offers and none of them were right for me. I mean, if it's going to be for just one night with no guarantees, please be a rock star or something all my friends and I (and God)could forgive me for. Or let it be something that will help my career. I mean, if it can't be love and marriage, I feel like I should get something out of it. I'm half joking.

SavvyD said...

Actually, that's really cracking me up. I could say the following:

Before I sleep with someone, I have a few things I need to know first...

1. Do you have anything I should know about?
2. When was the last time you were tested?
3. Are you a rock star?
4. Are you a millionaire?
5. Are you going to help me along in my career?
6. Do you love me?
7. Do you think I could be the one?
8. Are you paying me?
9. How much?

Actually the first two questions don't matter. And the last two aren't anything I would consider. And seriously, maybe it will make 1 or 2 guys feel like the assholes they are.

A Yellow Butterfly said...

Celibacy is about more than just not having sex. It's about learning who are and what you really want out of life. I too believe in being celibate and have created a website and book dedicated to called The Kama Sutra of Celibacy: 101 Ways to be Successfully Celibate. The Kama Sutra of Celibacy is designed to help singles live a successful life of celibacy through practical exercises that addresses the mental, emotional, spiritual and physical aspects of celibacy while providing guidance, encouragement and support. Check us out at http://www.kamasutraofcelibacy.com