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Monday, January 3, 2011

Ir-Relevant Magazine strikes again on dating

I'd really like to know what the person who wrote/condensed (Shauna Niequist from her book Bittersweet) this article was THINIKING. I mean, really??


Now is also the time to get serious about relationships. And “serious” might mean walking away from the ones that don’t give you everything you need. Some of the most life-shaping decisions you make in this season will be about walking away from good-enough, in search of can’t-live-without. One of the only truly devastating mistakes you can make in this season is staying with the wrong person even though you know he or she is the wrong person. It’s not fair to that person, and it’s not fair to you.

"everything you need"
Whoever expects a relationship will "give you everything you need" really needs to learn that relationships are about giving to each other. Not only that, this person recommends just "walking away."

Looking at this in the context with the next sentence, it becomes even more alarming. "Some of the most life-shaping decisions you make in this season will be about walking away from good-enough, in search of can’t-live-without."

I'm not with this person at ALL. Most of my life, I've been walking away from relationships where the man was clearly NOT good enough. He didn't call when he said he would, he spoke about me negatively, he spoke about intimate details of our relationship with his friends, his friends made me very uncomfortable, he was mean, he hated women, he spoke negatively about an ex.

Quite frankly, when a friend of mine left her "good enough" boyfriend, everyone was upset with her. She explained it this way, "He wants to get married, but I just think that marriage should make you want to be a better person." I think she was being unrealistic. She dumped a great guy, the kind who I wished liked me. Will she regret breaking up with Mr. Good Enough while searching for Mr. Can't-live-without?

You can actually live without just about everybody. I've never met a man who I couldn't walk away from. But then, I've also not dated anyone where the interest was mutual who I considered good enough. And by good enough enough, I mean they must treat you right. Good on paper is not good enough if he can't treat you right. She goes on to mention being with the "wrong person." If they are the "wrong person" perhaps it might have been better to say that they are "NOT good enough."

The good enough guys are there but, I guess they don't think I'm good enough. Either that or I'm only good enough while they are chasing their pipe dreams and "can't-live-withouts." I'm a 6 and they want a 10. I think one day this generation will sincerely regret their stupidity.

You may read their tripe here.

Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment!


LadyElaine said...


Girl, you know I feel you on a lot of this stuff, but can you honestly tell me that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who merely tolerates you in the relationship for its benefits alone and doesn't genuinely know and like you?

There is a way to be confident and thankful for the unique beauty and talents we've been given and not become prideful---it's called gratitude and humility. Furthermore, I think we need to stop dancing around issues and relational crap we deal each other and tactfully shoot straight as much as possible.

I have come to accept that standards vary between people in their relationships, and their non-negotiables are a reflection of not only their maturity but their experiences and level of understanding regarding relationships. I get it. I get that you're frustrated at seeing single Christians jerk each other around on standards they're not even willing to nurture and cultivate even after meeting such a "type."

I understand. If I could count the number of times I've seen my Christian brothers date the same type of woman over and over again and ignore women who can "hold it down"(i.e. loyal,supportive, encouraging) and take care of business, I'd have more money than Bill Gates.

But here's the rub:most of time, someone's waiting for someone to say something and acknowledge the elephant in the room. They may protest, and say, they don't want drama, but most people are non-confrontational.

In this case, you're dealing with a much larger uphill battle, because most people can't admit the real basis for their unrealistic expectations to begin with (i.e. fear of getting hurt, self-protection, etc.) So, you have several options:
a)tell said sister that her standards are unrealistic(or, upon further clarification in communication, help her to see how she's limiting herself subconsciously to great people)
b)tell the truth lovingly, stick it out with her and continue to pray that God gives her the "wake-up calls" that she needs
c)pray and investigate how you can be the catalyst for singles to look at relationships with new eyes.

If you need some support for it, I'm here. Rocking the boat on a regular basis can be lonely. But I'm also experiencing the benefits s well.

SavvyD said...

The kind of relationship you describe where you are barely tolerated is

NOT good enough

I would def leave that in a hot minute. What I see is alot of people looking at someone who is good enough and deciding they are not good enough. I have found that men who are good enough for me are few and far between.

Again, by good enough I am not talking settling for someone who is actually not good enough and who you cannot treat with respect or barely like just to have someone. I see alot of people treating the good enough for them guy as if he is not good enough because he isn't perfect for them--whatever that means.

If that girl were still close to me and this had happened recently instead of 6 years ago, I would have told her that she is making the wrong choice and that she should be her own inspiration. I think she dumped someone who was not only good enough but great.

Tabs A. Geek said...

I get what the author is trying to say, but I think she mis-worded it greatly.

The way it's explained, she's made it sound as if you should constantly be searching for that fairy-tale romance.

Which, in a way, we should be. I don't believe God has set aside someone who is 'tolerable' for each of us, I really do believe that the person He has is going to rock our worlds.

BUT. They're not always going to do so. There are days where it will feel like you're settling. There will be weeks, months even where it feels like that.

And I think that's where they've really gone wrong with that portion of the post -- It's almost like it's saying 'well, if you ever feel like that, get the hell out, because it's clearly not right'.

They make a good point that you shouldn't settle. You shouldn't stay with someone who doesn't meet your criteria, doesn't support you and help you to grow, and doesn't make you happy.

But because of the precarious nature of this topic, condensing it to a quick little paragraph that says 'Hey, if they're not rocking your world right now, it's time to go!' really gives the wrong impression, and lacks far too much of explaining when that lacking circumstance is actually the right one to leave.

Relevant can have really good articles sometimes, but other times I have to wonder what in the world is going on in their brains.

SavvyD said...

People keep describing someone/a relationship that is "not" good enough and saying it's only "good enough"

Being tolerated is NOT GOOD ENOUGH.


I feel like I've been trying to reason with people about the difference between a "good enough" guy and a "not good enough" guy and no one is getting it.

Sushi Girl said...

I just wrote in my blog about one of these "frustrating males" to say the least..you all should read it:)

SavvyD said...

@Sushi girl I read what you are talking about. He is not in it at all. Move on. He is NOT good enough.

SavvyD said...

@sushi girl you should tell him in those exact words. "I don't know what this is, but it's not good enough for me. You're excused."

Anonymous said...

I hear what you are saying about the people who won't take a look at the 'good enoughs' because they think they aren't the 'can't-live-withouts.' I went to a church where single women vastly outnumbers single men, and then men appeared to be blind. They were too busy waiting for their perfect 'Proverbs 31' woman to walk into the sanctuary, a halo of light surrounding her perfect body while angels sing in the background. Then when this woman doesn't show up, they settle for women who aren't good enough. Is this fair?

SavvyD said...

@J Hilarious.

They should not marry someone who is NOT good enough just because they haven't found perfect.

And thank you for understanding what I mean by "good enough" meaning you are satisfied. A few commenters took this the wrong way. I guess being good enough wasn't good enough for them. Some people only want an A++ with extra credit. They wan't 5 points on a 4 point scale.