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Thursday, September 23, 2010

Too Much Information

Oh dear. Sometimes you find things out about people that you didn't want to know...but then...sometimes you're glad you know so you can just move on. Here is the followup to dating online being a waste of time.

I had met someone a year ago and spent a considerable time with her getting to know here. Not to forget that we were intimate few times without protection. Since I cannot feel and enjoy intercourse with protection, I dont use it. However, I am really selective about who gets intimate with me. So anyways, after 2 months I found out that my girlfriend apparently was dating 2 other guys on the side and was probably physically intimate with them too. I felt like crap and hopefully you can understand that. I am not jealous, just careful. I love talking to you and would love to talk to you more but you seem way too busy. We have been emailing back and forth for a month or even more and havent met still.

Nick



My response:

Dear Nick,
I was very sick.

Wow. That's alot of pain to go through.

You should be selective, as am I. I am also cautious about who I meet at all. I was meeting a female friend the day you called and the timing was off. You did not try again. We certainly didn't know each other's schedules, and I have to say someone who sends a goofy picture is often hiding something or not serious. It's a really big turnoff and made you look like a player. I tried to coax something more from you but it did not work. You then accused me of something I would never do.

I appreciate your sharing and I'm sorry you went through that. Because of such things I would not be intimate without condoms since I have only had intercourse with 2 people. Even WITH condoms, there are some STDs such as herpes which can be passed. It's something I prefer not to share with men since they usually don't believe it and expect things to go very fast. For others, an inexperienced woman is a big turn off because for them, relationships are mainly about sex. Perhaps if people didn't move so fast, there wouldn't be so many hurt feelings out there. Like I said, I am looking for my sweetheart. Someone who would put love and care in the mix. Soulmate sounds like looking for perfection, I'm not looking for perfection. I'm looking for a sweetheart.

I hope you have been tested. Yo might want to reevalute your position on condoms as I hear there are women who will lie and say they are on the pill and the pill doesn't always work correctly.

I wouldn't normally say this either, but the pill made me very ill when I tried it, so I do not take it. I think there is no use in meeting, though I am not too busy. I do things by myself alot like seeing classical and rock concerts. I have to keep busy or I will be sad that I do not have a sweetheart.



Now people, I know there will be two ways of thinking about this.

2 people? Practically a virgin.

2 people??? Not married??? What a whore!!!

For the people who think I'm too inexperienced:
I can't help it that I want to know that someone has a heart before I sleep with them. I can't help it that I want to know that they care about me. I can't help it that I want to know that we have some real potential. What I really want is to wait for marriage. Everyone has needs, and before I care about meeting a man's "needs", he has to care about meeting my needs.


For the Christians:
The first man forced himself on me when I was a very naive 18 year old. The second man, I was very far from the Lord and most secular people view sex as a natural part of a relationship. We waited five months between getting to know each other and meeting his children. However, that relationship had some issues beyond that that I was not emotionally ready to handle like his children really hating me and him still seeing his ex-girlfriend. He said I was just being immature and jealous but then he married her. Once I went back to being a Christian, I have not felt strongly enough about anyone to even be tempted, really. I might feel tempted if I felt like they actually cared about me.

This is sort of why I keep my blog anonymous. I want to be able to at least be somewhat honest about things.

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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A general waste of time...dating online


I can't figure out why this has to be so difficult. He said he would send a picture but, really? Why not send one that actually looks like you instead of sending one that looks like Elvis. Good riddance anyway...


Hello Nick,

I'm sorry I've been sick with a terrible cough the last few days. I'm trying to let my white cells do their job without anti-biotics. It takes more time, but I just don't like taking medicines all the time.

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awww sorry to hear that. Yea a lot of people are having cold flu like symptomps lol. Relax and get better!
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Hi Nick,

The update is that my cough is finally mostly gone and I should be able to meet after this weekend. I have family coming into town for Labor Day. We should be having a nice time. I might be able to call or text, but can't get together until this week/weekend. The nice thing is that we live close by


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Sure that sounds good. Let me know I can meet after wednesday
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Hi Nick,
Sorry I was not able to talk the other day. I was waiting for a friend to call me and meet up with me. Hopefully we can find a better time to talk.

Do you have a picture? You have been seeing me, so it's only fair, right?


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I snet you a picture on your phone when you called me and i got your no. Check your phone!

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I thought you were my friend Chris goofing off and wearing some weird Elvis-looking shades with fake mutton chop side burns. So it wasn't a "no". That's what happens when you wear sunglasses for a pic, lol.

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Are you sure you are keeping your diary notes properly of who all you are talking to. Lol

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Original Message YOU sent on 9/14/2010 11:54:11 AM

Please send me a real picture that shows your smart and classy side. I mean, clearly you have a sense of humor.

You really looked like my friend Chris goofing off, as I already stated. I only talk to the people from here who seem like they are worth the investment of time. So far you are one of 3.

Savvy


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The problem is I dont want to be one of the three. I believe I deserve better than that. I appreciate your time and effort but I am sorry. I have no intentions of investing my time (which i dont have much for myself) to get to know someone who is dating two other guys on the side.

I wish you the very best!

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I did not say that I was dating two other people on the side. I was saying that you were only one of three that I even talked to from this site ever. However, I didn't think they were a match for me and I'm not seeing them again. I'm not dating anyone at all. I have friends I spend time with and that is all because I am looking for someone nice. I don't play games like that.

Savvy


I may not be seeing anyone, but at least I'm not a complete idiot. That picture is, but the way, the exact picture he sent to me!

I clarified the misunderstanding about having talked to 3 people from this site. I only met one of those and I did not think we were a match and only saw him once. Another I could tell was only playing games and I chose not to meet him at all. And then there is you...you sent me picture of you as Elvis, something that a friend of mine would do. I have to wonder about your intentions and assumptions. After all, you are on here. You are talking to women. Did I care? No. Jealousy over things you can't control and someone you haven't met is not logical. And then, what would there be to be jealous over? A man who sends pictures of himself as Elvis? Wow. That's the exact definition of smart and classy!
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Saturday, September 11, 2010

Quit side-hugging me, bro. It's not a real hug.

The coffee friend I have been talking about has a few issues. And one of them I really don't get. First off he asks people weird questions like, "What's one word that describes how you're feeling?" And people play along with it, though I don't know why as it's really lame.

And then it hit me how weird he really is. He stood next to me and put his left arm around me. Well, I can't really do much of anything to hug people with my right since the surgery which was supposed to fix everything. So what did I do? I hugged him by putting my left arm around his body and squeezed back, as I've done many time before. Only this time, it was weird. He had just thanked me for the email and said he was trying to come up with a response...was that it?

NO! It took me ages to figure this out! He's a side-hugger!! A creature of myth and lore I only encountered when I had a roomie who was in the cult version of the International Church of Christ. If you haven't heard of it, it's a very strict community. Or was. My response to seeing an engaged couple side hug was, "You're kidding me, right?" And that's my response today, "You're kidding, right?"

Putting your arm around someone doesn't constitute a real hug. It's not recognized at all by most people as a real hug. Most people haven't even heard of the "side-hug." Let me explain, I was just reading a book called, How to be a People Magnet and it addresses a few different kinds of hugs: The A-frame hug, the Heart-to-Heart hug, and the Bear Hug.

Let's break it down:

The A-frame hug it's a face-to-face hug, but bodies are as far away as possible. It's the hug you give to people you barely know. You know how it is. If you add a pat on the back it's a little bit friendlier.

The Heart-to-Heart hug involves a little more upper body contact. It's for closer friends. And your lower body will still be away from the person.

What? No side hug? Nope. Not a mention.

Now here's the thing--side hugs are lame with a girl who is 5'2" (me) and a man who is 6' (him). See, when that man bends over to hug a really short woman, I can guarantee you that after hugging lots of men, and exchanging more than a few European-style kisses that the general rule is that there is an inversely proportional relationship to height differences and body contact. In other words, dropping the sarcasm, the taller he is, the less the likelihood of any of my body coming into contact with his because he has to lean so far down to hug me. Get to 6'5" and it's hilarious. This is why I can't wait to meet the guys in Menomena. The comedy of a 5'2" girl meeting men who are 6', 6'3" and 6'9" respectively possesses an inherent level of hilarity.

And yet, he definitely side-hugged me again. His approach was to hug, and then as he hugged there was a subtle twist of the angle so that he was more to my side. This time he was on my left so I could hug him with my left, but I'm afraid I accidentally touched his stomach with my left breast. I'm SHORT, people! I'm afraid I'm a really bad side-hugger. He also said we should talk later. By now, though, I'm DONE.

But seriously folks, after all these years of hugging people and being abstinent, the side hug is now what will make the difference between waiting until marriage and falling into certain sin? Oh, whatever!

Seriously? What is EG and does anyone notice how one of the rappers is so into it he almost starts rubbing his crotch like a real rapper? And no kissing? So it's a Euro-free zone, too? Isn't this inherently discriminatory? What about going home in a coma for hugging? What? I know it's inherently ridiculous. So they are against PDA at this conference, but it's OK to Christian Side-Hug all day and side-hug ALL NIGHT!!! Wow, now there's an idea, boys and girls!

I'm sorry, give me a few moments to catch up with a bunch of hooey that I clearly missed out on by growing up in the "wrong" decade. No wonder secular people laugh at "Christians." If you visit www.ChristianSideHug.com the whole thing has become a joke. "The Christian Side Hug is Christ’s way to prevent unwanted genital-to-genital contact which may lead to increased sinful desires toward other people." Really? So why was it only announced in 2009?






This is wrong but so funny. If you are easily offended, please just don't watch the following two videos.




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Coffee Talk

Completely mystified by male behavior, I decided to write my faux friend about his faux pas.

Savvy September 1 at 10:51pm

Dear Friend,

Things got better for me, so if you prayed for me I do appreciate that. It's true that talking about my situation at that time would not have really helped all that much, but I talked myself into calling you and following up on it because I reassured myself that it would be OK to call because you are my friend and I appreciated your concern. However, I got a less than friendly feeling from you about it. I think I don't have a really solid grasp on the friendship dynamics between men and women at church. it seems sometimes guys are less than friendly with us ladies to make sure that we don't get the wrong idea about it being anything more than than friendship. I'm fairly certain that none of the guys at church like me as more than a friend and it seems that none of them ever will. It would be nice if they would do me the favor of at least treating me like a sister.

Savvy (Keep reading for his reply...)

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Dear Savvy,
Thank you for sending me this message. I'm glad to hear you feel that things are better, and also grateful that you shared your perceptions about my response.

Yes, I blew it. It wasn't from me trying to send you some kind of signal, but rather that I have been too busy and haven't been getting back to people (including you) like I should. I apologize - will you please forgive me? As far as the "less than friendly feeling," you were probably picking up on my internal questioning whether I was the best person for you to meet with. I was raised in a very conservative home where it was emphasized that in most situations if people are going through difficulties, it's probably best for them to seek out someone of the same gender to talk/ pray with. I'm still wrestling through the balance of that idea and, like you said, the idea of treating women like sisters. So I aso apologize that my stuff got in the way and created more difficulty for you. Although yes, I have been praying for you. All that, however, is not a good reason to not respond to your call and facebook message, and I again ask for your forgiveness. It feels very sad to reach out to someone and not receive a response.

As far as whether anyone at church is or will be interested in pursuing you romantically, that's also tough; it must feel discouraging sometimes if you feel like it's impossible for the situation to be different. I am confident that it is possible. :) One book that's really helped me is Henry Cloud's "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping" - it might definitely be worth your time if you're interested! I've actually been praying for you in that respect too - I hope that God brings just the right man into the picture as soon as possible and that in the meantime both of you will grow into the persons you need to be.

Written communication is tough because it doesn't convey tone; I hope this note comes off with a tone of honoring you and caring - if not, please don't hesitate to let me know. I look forward to seeing you soon and to trying to respond more promptly next time. With best wishes from your brother,

Friend


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Dear Friend,

I forgive you.

I think the real miscommunication here is thinking that I was looking to you to provide spiritual guidance. That made into something bigger than it was. I was just thinking we were friends and that you were concerned for me and wanted to talk.

As far as getting a date worth keeping and other books like that, I have found them relatively useless. If I go on a date with someone and discover they aren't right at all, they are out of my life. They are usually men who wouldn't remotely treat me right. That book deals with mainly further sorting into a perfect spiritual match. I don't think that kind of perfect match exists. I'm thinking about writing my own book about dating since the Christian world has taken a very messed up turn with books like "I kissed dating goodbye". It seems like that perspective has demonized the idea of even going on a simple date to see a movie or have coffee and get to know someone--things that should be OK for friends to do also. You shouldn't have to think you're going to marry someone to have coffee with them and it seems like people do think that. So I was thinking you started to think it was a bad idea to have coffee because you didn't want to date me and I never expected that you did.

Anyway, that's just what I was thinking.

Savvy


The saga continues...


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Friday, September 10, 2010

The 5 Cs for Finding Mr. Right (When Love Ends, Part 2)

There was another part of the book I really liked. One was the idea that hard time will come whether you are single or married and having a hope-filled heart is essential no matter what. Seriously, it's true. "Just hang on, suffer well..."

I've often told people the issue is not perfection before marriage but that you need to have something to your relationship to help weather the storm. Here is the breakdown of these mysterious 5 Cs:
1. Christian (duh)
2. Communication (you have to like each other.)
3. Character (personality, integrity)
4. Chemistry (you have to be attracted to the person.)
5. Calling (are you called to marry this person. I suppose this comes down to destiny and purpose.)

Let's give a Savvy example of the above. I went on a date from online this evening. He was a perfect gentleman. He was very likeable. We had very interesting conversation. He seemed to be very nice and genuine. He seemed interested in me. All systems are go, right?

Hold on just a second.

1. He is not Christian.
4. And I wasn't attracted to him AT ALL. I'm 5'2" and I think he was about my same height. I thought I might break him as he is smaller than I am.
5. And then I thought about calling...I feel called to work on an interesting project with him, called to be a friend. But girlfriend? Marriage? I'm not feeling it.

Was I nice about it? Absolutely. But if I see him again, I will have to make it clear that it's only as friends.

At least he is not married. That's the other thing she says to make sure of.
This is why I like the book. It's not dealing with laundry lists or traits or perfection, it's dealing with reality.

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Thursday, September 9, 2010

Book Review: When Love Ends...

Oh, you know me, cynical me, the one who said that she would never read another book about dating...I broke my pledge.

The full title is: When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton is Empty: What you need to know about your new beginning by Jackie M. Johnson.

Something about this particular book changed my mind. It's not some pie-in-the-sky advice book that tells you exactly what to do to find a perfect Godly man. It's a book that deals with the realities of the other end of the dating spectrum: the breakup.

There have been few Christian books (if any) about the breakup part of the relationship. Really, it's about time. This book acknowledges what's frequently bothered me about the relationship books. This one actually says it's OK to mourn a relationship that didn't happen, a relationship that barely happened, and the usual long term relationship. Our losses, even apparently small ones to some, are important to acknowledge.

I like that this book doesn't demonize men. A dating book I read recently was titled, All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise. Another popular book is titled, He's Just Not That Into You. Another one was called Why He Didn't Call Back. (Really?? Who cares?) These attitudes remain completely unhelpful. However Jackie Johnson's advice says you still have value in God's eyes. Don't lose hope. Though, I have to say, dating in the modern world seems far more difficult than the early 60s.

This book also cuts across multiple age groups, unlike my least favorite dating book of all time, I Kissed Dating Goodbye. You may find Jackie Johnson's book helpful whether you are 16 and dealing with your first big breakup or at 46 and dealing with more breakups than you can count thinking it should be a pain you're used to. The key points are that it's OK to acknowledge the pain, forgiveness is an important step in healing your heart, and not to lose hope in the Lord.

The author also offers tips on "waiting well" without getting completely cheesy or promising you that the reward is that you will have some awesome, perfect man at the end of it. Or if you prefer more worldly words, as I often do, "Just hang on, suffer well. Sometimes it's hard, hard to tell..." Depeche Mode style.

A highly recommended read whether you're waiting well or suffering well.


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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Coffee Creamer Canon (and Cannon)

I actually quit drinking coffee. It wasn't the coffee that I really have a problem with. Well, wait. Maybe it was the coffee. I noticed that my personal odor was a bit stronger than a few years ago and it concerned me. Maybe there was some weird hormonal thing going on.

It wasn't.

I decided to stop drinking coffee to just check and see if it was that. Also, I started wondering if it was really healthy to be drinking the non-dairy flavored creamers that I came to love. I loaded up my coffee every morning with that deliciousness. And real sugar because real sugar tastes great. I used organically grown sugar, of course.

I became convinced that I should stop drinking coffee creamer when I saw proof that coffee creamer is a wonderful propellant. It has sulfur phosphate in it. It can't be good for you...



In any case, the odor I was concerned about is now gone. And I feel better. Does this make my friend's offer of coffee moot? I think so. A law or rule is a canon. Sometimes when someone doesn't make a real offer, it goes up in flames, no?

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