I just rode with my uncle for about an hour after visiting my cousins. It was an interesting conversation.
Someone asked me to write about being single for the holidays and initially I thought I was fine with it. But, truthfully, I’m not. Not anymore. I am incredibly lonely. Crushes on pop stars fill the void when you are 12, but not so much when you are older.
I did what I have done most years. I spent it with my family. My older brother has been married or in a relationship with his wife for many years. Naturally, I thought I would be next. Another of my cousins has been married or involved with her boyfriend for 10 years. Another cousin got married 2 years ago. My youngest cousin has a boyfriend. And then there’s me.
I have not usually had a boyfriend for the holidays. When I did about 2 years ago, no one liked him. I’m sort of used to this, or I should be by now. No one asked me this year if I am seeing anyone. They can pretty much guess I am not because I hardly ever do.
It’s really getting to me lately that there is never anyone who is worth having. My uncle said none of the guys he has met that I was dating have been worth anything. Great.
He told me, “Forget about men. They’re all jerks. There are trainable jerks, but all have the potential of being jerks, even me.” I agreed with him. I know his track record for having hurt my aunt and my cousins. I will spare the details.
There have been other things which the Lord answered my feverish prayers, but never in this department. I sincerely believed in my teens that I would marry a wonderful man and that our love would be a great testimony to my dysfunctional family and they would all be saved.
I’m not Baptist anymore, though.
“Try online. That’s what your cousin did.” Yes. I know. “That’s how I’ve met some of these jerks I was telling you about.”
“I went to college in the 1960s and it was the sexual revolution then. I would do things with girls on the first date. I was a real jerk. But then, sometimes it was shocking that I wouldn’t even ask. One girl I had just kissed her on the couch and she stood up and said she didn’t want to get her clothes wrinkled, so she just took them off right in front of me. Many times I was the one being seduced.”
“I’m sure. But it’s been a long time since I have been with anyone and I just think it should be more special than that.”
“Well, if that’s not what you want, then you’ll just have to move on and toss them aside as not good enough. But really, forget about men. Just find what you really want to do and do it.”
I guess that’s all that is left. Me. It doesn’t look like there will be a happy ending for me when it comes to love, marriage and children. I know it’s a pain. I know it’s not a rose garden to be married.
But then, maybe it is. Those who say God never promised you a rose garden clearly never gardened. Rose gardens have bugs, thorns, and fungi. They have to be pruned, fed, and watered. They have to be planted in the right spot and in the right soil.
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