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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Conversing with Feminists

Later I was crying to a friend who is a doctor and her mom about how much it hurts that I haven't found anyone at all and most of my dates have been horrible.

TheMom: I'll bet you anything your friends who are married wish they could be you. I'll bet they aren't happy. Kids can be horrible, look at my oldest daughter who came at me with a fist. Men are nothing but trouble. You can go where you want when you want and you don't have to answer to anyone.

DrFrnd: I was dating someone. It was nice to hear that I was pretty at first, but then that's all he ever said. He didn't notice how kind I was to my patients even though we worked together all the time. He never said how smart I was. It was always how pretty I was. Well, what happens when I'm not pretty anymore? What then?

Savvy: I guess that would bother me too.

Drfriend: And I made it really hard for him to date me. He asked me out a few times, and then I said yes, but I told him, "I'm Indian. You know what that means, right? We don't put out."

Savvy: I wish I had a line like that. That's funny.

Drfriend: I have a guy friend who's Christian and he always tells me that I shouldn't let any of those stories guys tell about having to have it get to me. He says any guy who is worth it and thinks you're worth it will wait.

Savvy: My friend's mom told us that he thought his wife was pretty, but he married her because she was smart and she was a teacher. He knew that she knew how to work hard and that if anything happened to him that she would be able to take care of the children. So those other things are important.

DrFrnd: You can always have kids even without a man.

Savvy: Dude, no way. I wouldn't want that by myself. Too much trouble. Kids deserve to have a dad.

DrFrnd: We have it so good as women today. Yes, our generation has problems. Most women are complaining about how they can't find someone suitable. They're shallow and irresponsible. So many of them think with the wrong head. Men were always the same way, it's just that women used to have to turn a blind eye when their husbands cheated.

Savvy: I don't think they all cheated, but I see your point.

TheMom: Maybe you should travel and just take time to enjoy yourself. They say if you do the things you love, you meet people along the way.

Savvy: It's never worked out that way for me. I've been wishing and hoping and praying that there is someone for me and he's looking for me too, but we can't seem to find each other.

Drfriend: So, then, just do what makes you happy anyway. You don't need a man these days.

Savvy: Sometimes the temptation hits to date someone just to have someone, but I refuse to be with someone who isn't going to treat me right. There are some guys who you can tell they are violent on the very first date.

Drfriend: And you shouldn't. I've seen things as a surgeon that would shock you. So has my dad. And I work at a private hospital, too. There have been women who were stabbed to death by jealous ex-boyfriends who said they just wanted to talk. One of my dad's first cases involved examining the body of woman who was killed by her boyfriend. She was chopped up to bits. Another time a woman was brought in and she had been chopped with an axe by her boyfriend who was caught in the act by the police. And yet another time, a guy ended up dead...the woman told us that she got a new boyfriend on the same street and he would beat her every time she walked by. So this time, she protected herself with a hammer. We weren't able to save him.

Savvy: When I was working at a hospital, I heard about how one of the doctors shot his mistress out on the lawn.

Drfriend: I'm not surprised. These are supposed to be the best and the brightest minds, yet so many of them are on drugs it's not funny. I don't trust them any more than anyone else.

Savvy: There's a reason why they round up "the usual suspects". It's always someone they knew. And it seems that the men always choose very violent methods--guns, axes, knives--while women choose things like poison. It's scary. I dump them early and often.

Drfriend: Definitely listen to your instincts. There are alot of bad ones.


I get their point. I really do. It's just the years of feeling rejected are all piled up. I have some really shitty things happening in my personal life that I don't blog about. I'm not expecting life to be perfect. I never have. It's just that if I had been planning to be single forever, I should have studied medicine also. I'd be making alot more money and could enjoy being a feminist and not needing a man. I feel like I have to pretend I think that. Though, honestly, from my experiences with men, I'm starting to hate them. There are so many bad ones who really aren't worth the space the take up. They lie about who they are, they want Greencards. Forget it.

And seriously, the Mom has put up with her husband cheating on her. And when she got her bachelors and masters degrees recently, he made rude comments to her about her age the whole time. "They gave you a fellowship? Do they even know how old you are?" As if it were a waste to give someone older a fellowship. That is sad. She ended up not working after she got a degree. A little kindness goes a long way, but so does unkindness.

Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment!

7 comments:

WanderingAlissa said...

its crazy you mention these kinds of things... I was just reading a book today called "radical womanhood" and its about having "feminine faith in a feminist world" or something like that. Anyways, one thing that stood out to me is:
"Feminism (like most other isms) points a finger at other people for the problems of life. But I (carolyn mcculley) learned that scripture tells us that other people are not the real problem. Our sinful nature (james 4:1-3), spiritual forces of evil (eph 6:12), and the lure of this present world (1 john 2:15-17) are our real problems."

but anyways, you should check out the book, so far its been really interesting. The author is a single older woman who has an interesting testimony, and comes from a radically feminist mindset.

WanderingAlissa said...

and I know you probably dont want to try online dating again, probs, but for real... www.marrywell.org. there seem to be alot of wonderful guys from the west coast.. and even the ladies on it are really nice! Its a great little community of christians actually looking for marriage. even if you do the 5 day free trial :) i implore you!

Jenny said...

Hmm...Over the years, I thought about this. If I'd known I wasn't going to be married by now, I would've (1) majored in something I actually liked, (2) prepared for a career that would actually support me, and (3) not wasted thousands of dollars meeting men that "really aren't worth the space they take up"...I'm sorry to say. :(

SavvyD said...

@Jenny--fo shizzzz, riiiiight??? I totally would have studied something more profitable. But, I think I might continue with my less profitable studies soon so that perhaps I can teach on the college level. :)

SavvyD said...

@WanderingAlissa I might check out that website, but I've been burned so many times. Some people who are looking for marriage (or say they are) can be quite rude and mean.

Interesting about feminists, whether you are or are not does not seem to make a difference in terms of finding marriage and happiness. Some feminists stay married, and many who are not feminists have been divorced.

WanderingAlissa said...

Yeah, I mean where ever you go, people are people, but Ive been ridiculously encouraged by the community on there... and most of them are sincerely seeking intentionality and marriage minded relationships. Even if you just check it out for a few days, the articles and guides alone are worth it.

You are right.. all sorts of women find or lose marriage.. feminist or not, Christian or not. But I think God has called Christian women to have a biblical view of femininity, which usually doesn't coincide well with a feminist approach. Ive been thinking a lot lately about how to become a more godly woman, even if marriage isn't a part of that equation. Its almost a new concept for me, as marriage seems to be what EVERYONE says will "make you a godly woman." but its not like my singleness confuses God, or keeps him from growing me and sanctifying me.. as much as I secretly think that sometimes. haha. Im rambling now..

SavvyD said...

Every "ism" and every "ity" has extremists. I'm not talking about the extremes of feminism, however, some of the beliefs about a woman's ability to achieve seem almost like "duh" to us.

Some believe the the problems with society today have a great deal to do with the pill. Rather than help married people to have fewer children, it's ended up making it so single people don't have to marry to have sex.

The pregnancy issue is resolved by the pill.

That it makes women ill and miserable and that so many take it to please men who don't treat them right or give a crap about them is yet another issue.