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Saturday, September 11, 2010

Quit side-hugging me, bro. It's not a real hug.

The coffee friend I have been talking about has a few issues. And one of them I really don't get. First off he asks people weird questions like, "What's one word that describes how you're feeling?" And people play along with it, though I don't know why as it's really lame.

And then it hit me how weird he really is. He stood next to me and put his left arm around me. Well, I can't really do much of anything to hug people with my right since the surgery which was supposed to fix everything. So what did I do? I hugged him by putting my left arm around his body and squeezed back, as I've done many time before. Only this time, it was weird. He had just thanked me for the email and said he was trying to come up with a response...was that it?

NO! It took me ages to figure this out! He's a side-hugger!! A creature of myth and lore I only encountered when I had a roomie who was in the cult version of the International Church of Christ. If you haven't heard of it, it's a very strict community. Or was. My response to seeing an engaged couple side hug was, "You're kidding me, right?" And that's my response today, "You're kidding, right?"

Putting your arm around someone doesn't constitute a real hug. It's not recognized at all by most people as a real hug. Most people haven't even heard of the "side-hug." Let me explain, I was just reading a book called, How to be a People Magnet and it addresses a few different kinds of hugs: The A-frame hug, the Heart-to-Heart hug, and the Bear Hug.

Let's break it down:

The A-frame hug it's a face-to-face hug, but bodies are as far away as possible. It's the hug you give to people you barely know. You know how it is. If you add a pat on the back it's a little bit friendlier.

The Heart-to-Heart hug involves a little more upper body contact. It's for closer friends. And your lower body will still be away from the person.

What? No side hug? Nope. Not a mention.

Now here's the thing--side hugs are lame with a girl who is 5'2" (me) and a man who is 6' (him). See, when that man bends over to hug a really short woman, I can guarantee you that after hugging lots of men, and exchanging more than a few European-style kisses that the general rule is that there is an inversely proportional relationship to height differences and body contact. In other words, dropping the sarcasm, the taller he is, the less the likelihood of any of my body coming into contact with his because he has to lean so far down to hug me. Get to 6'5" and it's hilarious. This is why I can't wait to meet the guys in Menomena. The comedy of a 5'2" girl meeting men who are 6', 6'3" and 6'9" respectively possesses an inherent level of hilarity.

And yet, he definitely side-hugged me again. His approach was to hug, and then as he hugged there was a subtle twist of the angle so that he was more to my side. This time he was on my left so I could hug him with my left, but I'm afraid I accidentally touched his stomach with my left breast. I'm SHORT, people! I'm afraid I'm a really bad side-hugger. He also said we should talk later. By now, though, I'm DONE.

But seriously folks, after all these years of hugging people and being abstinent, the side hug is now what will make the difference between waiting until marriage and falling into certain sin? Oh, whatever!

Seriously? What is EG and does anyone notice how one of the rappers is so into it he almost starts rubbing his crotch like a real rapper? And no kissing? So it's a Euro-free zone, too? Isn't this inherently discriminatory? What about going home in a coma for hugging? What? I know it's inherently ridiculous. So they are against PDA at this conference, but it's OK to Christian Side-Hug all day and side-hug ALL NIGHT!!! Wow, now there's an idea, boys and girls!

I'm sorry, give me a few moments to catch up with a bunch of hooey that I clearly missed out on by growing up in the "wrong" decade. No wonder secular people laugh at "Christians." If you visit www.ChristianSideHug.com the whole thing has become a joke. "The Christian Side Hug is Christ’s way to prevent unwanted genital-to-genital contact which may lead to increased sinful desires toward other people." Really? So why was it only announced in 2009?

This is wrong but so funny. If you are easily offended, please just don't watch the following two videos.

Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment!


Lindsay said...


SavvyD said...

Thanks Lindsey. I read it and thought it was amusing, however, I was too lazy to find the link again.

Jenny said...

Ohhh, the Christian side hug! :gag: I try to be understanding with friends who were raised on it, as they try to be with a "frontal hugger" like me. But side hugging a friend or date seems so distant, sort of like the phony handshakes Muslim men give.