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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Don't sh*t where you eat?

The way the singles pastor talks about dating makes me angry. Perpetually being asked out by jerks makes me angry. I seriously have a hard time believing that not one man at church wants to give me call, talk to me, get to know me better, and then go out. That which was once so normal at one time has become demonized.

Alright, so I complained about this dating dilemma at at round table discussion and one of the guys said, "The women need to say yes more."

In a way, what he said is fair enough. In a way it isn't because I know who he recently asked out. Most of the guys like her. She gets asked out but has very high standards. Some of the women who aren't getting asked out at all might have welcomed this guy asking her out.

The pastor then said, "Well there's this idea that you don't want to poop where you eat. This is where people come to be fed spiritually and if it doesn't work out they have this poop that's there."

People, that's just the dumbest sh*t I ever heard. I mean, seriously? That concept comes from the world of work. You don't want to mess things up where your paycheck comes from. That makes sense. You could be fired. Not dating at church is stupid. Where ELSE are we supposed to go? eharmony? Just for Lunch? Together? Big Church? Christian Cafe? Volunteering? How about PunkRockDating.com? Why is that all OK? Honestly these services aren't working out for most people. Though I've heard punk rock dating might be really awesome for me since I'm so into music.

I'm sure the pastor thinks I'm just bitter. But honestly, this is one of those cases where the church could teach a little better about dating rather than just jumping in at sexual promiscuity and marriage, neither of which are pending for myself or many of my friends. And several people who are dating someone are not dating Christians because no one from church ever asks them out.

He said that guys try to get to know us without actually getting to know us. They watch us and see how we interact with people. But haven't any of them seen enough by now? Can't they know a bit more about me if they were to actually ask for my number and ask to meet me for coffee? The way things are now has never worked out and I just assume no one is interested at all.

What I ended up praying for with a friend this evening is for people to want to experience meaningful fellowship with each other and for the walls and barriers to come down between people. That's what the real problem is. And the other very real problem is that if no one ever asks us out, where do we go? Some of us have friends who already have 4 kids by 25. They don't exactly have time to hang out.

Being married doesn't make your life "better" however. Life can be utter sh*t. When you go through sh*t the comfort is that you went through sh*t together.

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6 comments:

ladyelaine80 said...

SMH....
You know what the problem is? No one wants to get real and tell the truth. No one wants to say, "we don't want to get blamed if you guys get played by the guys in the singles group," or, " We don't how to help you because we were married when we were your age."

Sounds like this pastor doesn't have a clue and is talking from where he poops

SavvyD said...

Hahaha, yes. Exactly. It's been awhile, Lady Elaine!

3rd Lawrence said...

Savvy,

I think you're doing all the right things, honestly. Looking for guys at church (or looking for them to be looking for you) is good. All I can think of is you might want to expand your possibilities more. Of course, you may be maxed out if you're living in a small town and church is the only gathering place. But if not, hang out at more places. And I don't think you're being too pushy by being friendly. Being friendly is a good thing.

SavvyD said...

3rd Lawrence--um, I have no idea how far back ou have read, but I do get out quite a bit. It's a sad comment on our socieity that many young women struggle to meet a man who is decent AND treats them well AND is interested in them.

MarkyMark said...

He said that guys try to get to know us without actually getting to know us. They watch us and see how we interact with people. But haven't any of them seen enough by now? Can't they know a bit more about me if they were to actually ask for my number and ask to meet me for coffee? The way things are now has never worked out and I just assume no one is interested at all.

I seem to remember telling you the same thing, my dear. A good, Godly guy will OBSERVE you first before deciding whether or not to ask you out. If he sees some thing(s) he doesn't like, then it's a no go for him-end of story. Why waste time asking out a woman and spending time with her when I ALREADY know that she has serious shortcomings in the 'good wife material' department?

For example, if I were looking for a traditional wife (i.e. someone to stay at home and raise the kids, etc.), then I'm going to have certain things I'll be looking for. One of these would be frugality, i.e. someone who knows the value of a dollar. If I saw the woman I had my eye on spend $1000 on a purse (Prada bags go for that much and more), then I'm taking her off the list IMMEDIATELY! Why? Because, by that one, simple act, she has shown herself to be careless with money; she's impulsive; and she has no sense of value. Since money issues are a leading cause of divorce; since I'll be the one bringing home the bacon (a hard thing to do, especially in these days and times); then I'm going to want someone who's CAREFUL WITH THE MONEY I ENTRUST TO THEM! Why would I ask out someone when I already know that she's none of these things? Why would I waste my time? Why would I waste hers? Would it not be better to find someone who IS careful with money instead?

What you should focus on is developing the qualities that would make a good wife. Let me put it another way: if you were a guy, would you marry you? You don't need to answer that to me or anyone else but yourself; that said, you do need to be honest with yourself when answering this question. If you're honest with yourself, you'll say that you need to work on W, X, Y, Z, etc. before you'd be a good wife; work on those things. Don't worry about finding the right person; work on BEING THE RIGHT PERSON. Do that, then you'll attract the right guy.

MarkyMark

SavvyD said...

Hey, so here's the clincher in all you said:

No one is perfect.

People change. (Bible women changed,too. Sarah, Leah, Rachel, Ruth, Naomi.)

Some change for better, some for the worse. In fact, they may change in unpredictable ways.

People are fooling themselves into thinking they know someone from observations. All the observations can go right and then things change or someone finally reveals the real truth--that they lied and cheated.

I am already the right person for someone. :) I just haven't found him, or he hasn't realized it.