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Saturday, August 28, 2010

Tea and Sympathy, Coffee and Pity

I've been going through a hard time, though things finally did clear up--Praise God. At one point a friend from church was very upset and we paused to pray for something a friend was going through--something to do with marital infidelity which always breaks my heart. I mean, I'm trying to be faithful to a man I haven't even met. If I had someone special in my life there is no way I would every cheat on him. In any case, after we finished praying, I began to tear up about my own situation. And a male friend seemed sad about that...I had recently offered him tickets to see a classical concert I was singing in with a choir and he had to turn the tickets down for whatever reason.

Friend: Hey, Savvy, are you OK?
Savvy: No, not really.
Friend: DO you want us to pray for you?
Savvy: Yes.
Friend: How can we pray for you? I only have a minute, though.
The girl he came with started honking the horn.
Savvy: How rude.
Friend: Let me just tell her whats going on really quickly.
Savvy: Sure.
Friend: Sorry about that, she said she's feeling trapped.
Savvy: Well let's just make it an unspoken request, but please pray for protection and for the truth to be revealed.
They prayed for me.
Friend: Do you want to go to coffee and talk about it?
Savvy: I don't know how much talking about it will actually help.
Friend: Well, I hope it gets better.
Savvy: Thanks.

Well, I have to say that I was, in part, touched by his offer to talk about it over coffee. I was, on the other hand, a bit tortured over it. I haven't been invited to coffee by anyone at church in 5 years or so and when I do get asked it's because he feels pity for me??? That's terrible. I had just been saying that I would even accept invites to coffee out of pity, literally the week before. I mean, certainly I deserve better than a date out of pity, but since no one seems to be interested in me at all, it might be nice to go out with a friend who felt sorry for me as they might treat me better than someone who wants to use me to satisfy their urges. Some emotion is better than none.

Wait, what? Yes, it sounded very pathetic. But the man was/is at the very least my friend. And because of our friendship, I set aside that it was only pity and called him to see about scheduling coffee with him.

He didn't call back.

Not for a week.

Not even as a friend.

Then I saw him at church.

Friend: So, how was Saturday?
Savvy: What was Saturday?
Friend: The concert, I'm sorry I didn't get to come hear you sing.
Savvy: It's no big deal, thanks though. I will sing at other things.
Friend: Cool.
Savvy: Hey, when did you want to go have coffee?
Friend: Um...
Savvy: Don't worry about scheduling it right now. Give me a call.

All this time I've thought that we were friends. Certainly I should say yes to going to coffee with my friend. I might not feel comfortable sharing about my situation, but perhaps we could talk about other more comfortable topics.

He didn't call.

Not all week.

Not even as a friend.

Not even out of pity.

What the hell?

I will see him again this coming Tuesday more than likely.

I'll bet now he's worried that I might get the wrong impression by going to coffee. I think I had the right impression. But I guess I didn't really. The impression I have now is that we aren't even friends after all.

What should I do? Should I say anything or not? I just don't know.

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Monday, August 23, 2010

On my own (pretending he's beside me)

I know how to do alone. The movie Emily Cross sent a link for recently is really nice for people who are just venturing out into being alone. But I'm an expert at it. Here's an insight into all the things I do alone. But, at the end of the day, I'm still alone when I would like to have a sweetheart--the sweetheart I have longed for all these years. I wonder if he's in Portland, OR because I hear so many great things about that city. I'm determined to visit when I have the chance.

Things I do alone:

Practice singing.
Practice keyboard (when I can due to my injury)
Practice guitar (when I can due to my injury)
Installed my own software.
Wiped the hard drive clean.
Flashed the BIOS.
I've gone to the movies by myself.
I've taken myself to a restaurant on numerous occasions.
I used to go dancing by myself all the time.
I've gone hiking by myself.
I've gone walking by myself.
I always go to the gum by myself.
I always go to the library alone.
I go shopping by myself.
I've gone to weddings by myself.
I go to church by myself.
I often go to parties by myself.
I go to coffee by myself.
I've gone to operas alone.
I've attended recitals by myself.
I moved to New York by myself.
I found an apartment by myself.
I lived in my apartment by myself.
I've gone to ballets by myself.
I usually go to rock concerts by myself.
And I went to Coachella by myself. Though I had a friend who was there, we each did our own thing and I found a hotel by myself late at night and stayed in it by myself.
I've driven from LA to San Francisco by myself.
I've driven cross-country by myself.
I've flown by myself.
When I lived in NYC, I spent most of my days by myself.

I write by myself, that's how you get this blog. (Thanks for reading!)

I imagine that if I were married to my sweetheart, I would still do most of these day-to-day things alone also, what would be different is that I would be his support and in return I'd have his support. And I wouldn't still feel alone at the end of the day. And maybe he'd be the one holding my hand at a concert, like I see so many other people doing. When I got to do that finally, it was with Tough, and there is something inherently not right about it. I want a sweetheart to call my own and I want him to think of me as his.

I seem to have lost someone over a recent post. Sorry for any offense, but I do need to keep it real and this business of keeping a blog is the best way I have of doing that.

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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Where he went wrong

I have an old college friend who just found me on Facebook. I had an extra ticket to see a show and he went with me. This is the guy who I always wondered what would have happened if we had ever gone out. I remember him sitting on my bed and smiling as he said a bit shyly,

Tough: When are we going to go out?
Savvy: Oh...um, I don't think we should. It's just that you're Catholic and I'm protestant. I'm not sure it would work out.

I wouldn't say I regretted it right away. In fact, I didn't think much of it at at the time. My vision was to marry a fine Christian man and our marriage and wonderful Christian marriage/family/children were going to be a witness of Christ's love...as we know, that didn't happen...

Over the years I began to wonder what would have happened if I had just let go of some of my preconceived ideas about perfect religious compatibility that my friends seemed to have found as they graduated from college and many married. Tough stopped talking to me very much after that. Maybe if he had kept at me, I would have been a bit more convinced.

It's funny, some of the things that bothered me about him might not bother me today. Having been in the military and in law enforcement, he's very interested in guns and knives. It seemed a bit scary at the time, even though we met through ROTC. Yes, I used to be kind of tough, but not tough enough.

Having Tough roll back into my life was...well, challenging. I'm still not married and I saw that his profile had married on it. And then I found out that married doesn't mean happy for him. He has an interracial marriage (he is Latino and she is African-American) and the differences have gotten in the way.

In fact when a black man asked him about his having married a "sistah" the man said, "Better you than me." (My apologies to the Sistahs, but it came from a "Brutha.") He and his wife seem to hate each other. A mutual friend of ours has mentioned to him through the years, "You know where you went wrong...You didn't get together with Savvy." Wow. That was kind of cool to hear.

It was hard not to be nostalgic for a simpler time. It was hard not to flirt a little bit. It was hard not to imagine a different life if we had been together.

But then, there was always something of a flaw that I didn't catch onto at the time, but now have caught on to.
Tough: Yeah, I chatted you up when we first met and I realized that you were sort of a Jesus freak good girl.
Savvy: Well, that sounds about right.
Tough: I always thought you were a nice girl, I just wasn't always looking for that.
Savvy: Oh, and look what you got. It makes me sad, and makes me wonder if things couldn't have been very different if I had realized that there are Catholics who love Jesus just as much, if not more, than I do.
Tough: I've done very well other than the marriage part. I've killed Muslims in Iraq and brought two Catholic children into the world.
Savvy: Oh, haha.
Tough: Did anyone ever say anything bad about me?
Savvy: Bad about you?
Tough: Well, I always wondered if someone didn't say something to you about me. I was a bit if a man-whore even back then.
Savvy: OMG. Wow? really? I had no idea.

I must have looked really sad because then he advised me to go to shooting ranges, NASCAR, and any other man-oriented events. He suggested I move to someplace in the midwest or Idaho where people have more traditional values. I have to be honest, the prospect of moving up there doesn't exactly thrill me when I would have no friends and no boyfriend. He suggested I bend a little more.

Savvy: What about Portland?
Tough: It's a bunch of hippies.
Savvy: Seattle?
Tough: Dirty hippies.
Savvy: Nooo!!
Tough: And you'll have to like smoking pot.
Savvy: Oof, no. I'm allergic to hat and cigarettes. Asthma.
Tough: I'm telling you, everyone who had half a brain from California has moved to Idaho.
Savvy: Boise? You're kidding me, right? What would I do in Boise? If I met the guy first, I might be willing to go out there, but I expect that it might be more of the same.

Perhaps to get me used to the idea or something, he told me many stories about his sordid past. How he did it, who he did it with, how often he did it, and that he hadn't been faithful to his wife and she wasn't faithful to him. It was sad.

Savvy: I feel bad. I mean, I wonder if I could have saved you from this if I had been good to you.
Tough: Well, our friend always said it's where I went wrong not going out with you.
Savvy: Um, I don't know. I was pretty resistant to the idea of premarital sex. I never did it with my ex-fiance. And I thought Catholics and Protestants shouldn't marry.
Tough: Too bad.
Savvy: If only you were single.
Tough: I will be soon.
Savvy: So, how long would you have waited in college?
Tough: To be honest, I didn't have to. Maybe two months, three max.
Savvy: Oh.
Tough: You're a nice girl. I always thought you were. You are now.
Savvy: Well, it's just that...I think you just burst my bubble. You probably would have dumped me because you thought I wasn't doing it right or something, or you wouldn't have been willing to wait. And that would have been devastating to me.
Tough: Do you know what the difference is between good sex and bad sex?
Savvy: No...
Tough: Enthusiasm.
Savvy: Oh. Well, still, I would have needed to have a ring to make me feel comfortable. Let's just say, I was very resistant.

In some ways, I'm still embarrassed by our conversation. Though, I suppose when you are married, you do need to talk about those things. All these years I've had the illusion that my life might have been better if I had been with Tough. Maybe we both would have been better. Maybe I'm too sensitive for him. I was very amused by him asking what I would like him to wear.

Maybe he's the perfect combination of domesticated and tough. Like a pit bull. I'm sure the sweet is buried in the tough. But seriously, what a life it's been. Perhaps he would have tried just a bit harder to make me feel comfortable if he had known I would end up being alone all these years. I wish.

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Credit where credit is due

Well folks, sometimes I hate that I prove people wrong, even when I prove myself right. I want to be as hopeful as they are, but I have learned over the years not to be. I only give credit where credit is due. If a person in my life doesn't deserve credit for something, it's because he didn't earn it.

Though this is a completely dissimilar story, a young woman called in to a radio show complaining about a man she was sleeping with. The radio host shushed her and said, "He's not going to marry you. Start charging him $250 for sex so at least you get something out of it." I think I would have said the same thing.

I described the situation with the man 20 years older and at least two people said something positive about it.
Sassy: That sounds like a lost opportunity. Maybe you should say something to him.

I see a Christian counselor:
Savvy: So he didn't ask for my number and left without even saying anything to me. I mean, seriously, I thought older guys were supposed to be more settled and stuff.
Counselor: Well, why don't you say something to him the next time you see him.
Savvy: Because I just think that if a guy left without saying anything to me and didn't ask for my phone number that he did that on purpose.
Counselor: You don't know that for a fact. With that attitude, you're never going to be with anyone. Beside, you said he was smiling at you. He was still connecting with you.

I took what both people said and considered it. Maybe I'm too bitter. Maybe I should be more forgiving. Maybe he doesn't have a wife or girlfriend that he was cheating on. Maybe I should give the old guy a chance.

He was not at the choir rehearsal, so I decided to email the director who forwarded it to him:

Hi there OlMan.............

Savvy has sent me this note, so, I'm Replying to her and BCC'ing you.............
you'll see her address here and can respond to her directly..........

miss you in the rehearsals!
it's a BIG gang this time...........nearly 190 singers!

hope all is well.............

In a message dated 8/7/2010 5:54:39 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time, savvysinglechristian@yahoo.com writes:

Hi again,

I've been meaning to ask if you might send OlMan X an email for me as I think I left something in his car when he gave me a ride after the Arcadia concert. At least I think that's his last name. I'm a bit fuzzy. Bass front row. Correct last name?


It would be safe to say that I was correct in my assumption that he didn't say anything to me or ask for my phone number because he didn't want to. He didn't email me because he didn't want to. He didn't apologize because he didn't want to.

I guess there are some things you just know. Only give credit where credit is due. This guy does not deserve any credit. Though I should get some credit for catching on

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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Don't sh*t where you eat?

The way the singles pastor talks about dating makes me angry. Perpetually being asked out by jerks makes me angry. I seriously have a hard time believing that not one man at church wants to give me call, talk to me, get to know me better, and then go out. That which was once so normal at one time has become demonized.

Alright, so I complained about this dating dilemma at at round table discussion and one of the guys said, "The women need to say yes more."

In a way, what he said is fair enough. In a way it isn't because I know who he recently asked out. Most of the guys like her. She gets asked out but has very high standards. Some of the women who aren't getting asked out at all might have welcomed this guy asking her out.

The pastor then said, "Well there's this idea that you don't want to poop where you eat. This is where people come to be fed spiritually and if it doesn't work out they have this poop that's there."

People, that's just the dumbest sh*t I ever heard. I mean, seriously? That concept comes from the world of work. You don't want to mess things up where your paycheck comes from. That makes sense. You could be fired. Not dating at church is stupid. Where ELSE are we supposed to go? eharmony? Just for Lunch? Together? Big Church? Christian Cafe? Volunteering? How about PunkRockDating.com? Why is that all OK? Honestly these services aren't working out for most people. Though I've heard punk rock dating might be really awesome for me since I'm so into music.

I'm sure the pastor thinks I'm just bitter. But honestly, this is one of those cases where the church could teach a little better about dating rather than just jumping in at sexual promiscuity and marriage, neither of which are pending for myself or many of my friends. And several people who are dating someone are not dating Christians because no one from church ever asks them out.

He said that guys try to get to know us without actually getting to know us. They watch us and see how we interact with people. But haven't any of them seen enough by now? Can't they know a bit more about me if they were to actually ask for my number and ask to meet me for coffee? The way things are now has never worked out and I just assume no one is interested at all.

What I ended up praying for with a friend this evening is for people to want to experience meaningful fellowship with each other and for the walls and barriers to come down between people. That's what the real problem is. And the other very real problem is that if no one ever asks us out, where do we go? Some of us have friends who already have 4 kids by 25. They don't exactly have time to hang out.

Being married doesn't make your life "better" however. Life can be utter sh*t. When you go through sh*t the comfort is that you went through sh*t together.

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