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Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Two guys recently told me I'm very forward. I don't get it. I really don't. I'm friendly, I'm easy to talk to, I generally try to be good to the people I talk to.

The guy who said it most recently said:

He: Well, Savvy you're very forward.
Me: How? I don't get it? I'm really offended that you would say that.
He: It's just that maybe guys are intimidated by you.
Me: Why? I just try to be friendly and nice to people. Are you saying I shouldn't be nice to people?
He: You shouldn't ask guys out.
Me: I don't.
He: Well, that's good. Just don't ask them to coffee or anything.
Me: I don't.
(I did once and the look of shock on his face was insane. I vowed never to do that again.)
He: You should watch that move "He's just not that into you."
(Really? What a waste of time. I'm using the book as a cooling stand for my laptop.)
Guy2: Except you should stop before the end because he negates everything he says.
He: And makes sure you don't seem needy and desperate.
Me: Are you serious? I just told some guy off for being innappropriate. If I were needy and desperate I would have put up with his crap. I don't know why anytone would think that about me. I mean, seriously.
He: Well it's just that it scares guy off. You never know if they've got you on their radar.
Me: Listen, I've been at the same church for a year now and not one person has asked me out. Not one. So I just assume I'm not on anyone's radar.
He: Don't do that either. That's not good for your self-esteem.
Me: I don't think I have any self-esteem when it comes to nice guys. While the nice guys are trying to figure out if they should ask me out, I'm think that no one likes me and that only jerks are interested in me because those are the ones doing the asking. Maybe it's just my weight or something.
He: No, I mean look at the girl in Hairspray. She gets the guy at the end.
Me: I keep wondering where that guy is. From what I can see none of the guys at church would even give me a second glance because I'm on the lower end of attractiveness. There are so many girls who are way prettier and thinner than me. Perhaps there's just no one who's "into me."
He: Listen, maybe we can meet up and I'll give you some pointers to help you out.

Seriously? Pointers?? Yippee skippee. Just what I need. The only pointer I need is someone to point the guys in my direction. I mean maybe if he were my wingman or something. Like if there actually were one of these guys who was interested in me he could encourage them to actually ask me out. I mean, jerks have no problem asking me out because there is no stake. They want to use me, and if I say no, they just try to use someone else. No big deal, right. But the nice guy who is actually nice keeps hemming and hawing in the corner, gets to say I'm scary because I'm forward though I've done nothing but be nice and friendly, and then I end up with no one year after year after year. Oh sure, maybe a jerk for about a month who at least has the "respect" to date me 3-4 times before expecting me to sleep with him because he really doesn't like me that much. Anyone remember Astro?

My friends were very supportive and said that maybe it's just a time to enjoy hanging out with girlfriends. Except that its always time to hang out and be with girlfriends. When is it ever going to be time to hang out with my non-existent husband/boyfriend?

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Sunday, July 11, 2010

So much for older men

I suppose this is the way it goes. Two in one week. Luckily, the week is over. I learned what I've heard about older men being more settled and knowing what they want is actually a myth. I sang in a choral event this weekend in a lovely outdoor stage setting. I also ended up with bleeding blisters from walking around in shoes which had recently been resoled. Luckily, one of the guys who worked at the venue got bandaids for me and delivered me to the stage area in a golf cart. What a night! And that was before the show.

And those who hate rock's alleged seediness would really despise the scenes we gave a concert reading to. In Tosca, Scarpia sings about how happy he will be to have Tosca in his arms while her lover is on the gallows. He sings it in church with the choir singing a Te Deum mass. In Turandot, Liu kills herself so she will not reveal the name of the Princess's suitor. The Princess makes every man answer 3 riddles before she will marry him. She's had many men beheaded when they don't answer correctly. Classical music can be so naughty!

In any case, my friends came, but left before saying hi. I can't say I blame them when there were thousands of people in the audience. I was a little disappointed. As much as I looked forward to seeing them, there was a cast party with soloists, choir and orchestra. It cheered me up a little.

While enjoying some wine and cheese, I ended up meeting eyes and smiling at a man in the choir who I had never actually met. We started talking. Enjoying the conversation under the torch light, we actually sat down and talked more. I plucked a rose from a bouquet near me which ended up being bent and he got another one for me that wasn't which I though was really sweet. I wondered why guys aren't sweet like that.

And then we kept talking about somewhat deep things. We told each other things we shouldn't probably say to anyone. I drank more than I should have, but cheese and crackers just need wine. Somehow my purse and folder were picked up and taken to lost and found, but we were able to recover them.

We continued talking as I walked with him to his car, and he then took me to mine.
Savvy: I think I'm too tipsy to drive home.
OlMan: I think I can stay with you. Maybe we should get something to eat.
Savvy: Oh, I'm not sure if anything's open here. Denny's?
OlMan: No, that's OK. I just want to make sure your OK.

We continued talking. He told me about how he used to be a plastic surgeon and then just couldn't do it anymore. He told me about how he sings in choir and loves it. He's Christian and we talked about going to church. He did all the right things, made alot of money but didn't find happiness with any of it. He then studied law instead.

Savvy: So you had kids and got married and all of that stuff.
OlMan: Yes. I did everything I thought I was supposed to do.
Savvy: And you still weren't happy? Man, that's terrible.
OlMan: I just couldn't appreciate it. I'm more teachable now.
Savvy: That's good to know.
OlMan: Have you ever been married?
Savvy: No. I guess guys just don't like me like that.
OlMan: Don't sell yourself short. I think you're very pretty.

We have discussion about age and it turned out he is 20 years older than me. He doesn't look it and he's really handsome. And then we ended up telling each other lots of things that have been troubling us. We talked about music and California. The soloists were amazing. The Beach Boys and The Doors were fabulous.

Savvy: I love the Doors. I was alway so sad to find out about their involvement in drugs or about their personal lives being in shambles.
OlMan: I never knew about those things.
Savvy: You're lucky. I feel a bit dmaged by the truth. Though that's not all groups. Many are just supernice guys.
OlMan: Wow. You have such a beautiful voice.
Savvy: Oh, really? Wow. Thanks.
OlMan: It sounds like music when you talk.
Savvy: Wow.
OlMan: I'm just really enjoying listening to you. You're very lucky to have such a beautiful voice.
Savvy: Wow, so, do you want me to read you something? I can tell you a story.
OlMan: I'm really embarrassed that I said anything. I shouldn't have said anything.
Savvy: No, don't be. It made me happy.
OlMan: It's just really nice.
Savvy: Here, why don't I read you this? (I pick up a piece of paper.)
OlMan: No, don't read me that. That's a bill that I used to write directions on. But you can have it. (We both laugh.)
Savvy: Seriously I don't usually tell people these things.
OlMan: I don't usually say these things to anyone either.
Savvy: You don't seem very judgemental, so I guess I felt comfortable.
OlMan: No, I'm not. It's OK.
Savvy: Well, I think I'm OK to drive now. Thanks for waiting with me.

I felt really connected to him, and let's be honest, a little attracted. I'm not sure if it was the wine, the weather, the foliage, or the conversation. I gave him a hug and he hung on to me, breathing deeply and longingly. And then, as I pulled slowly away, he kissed me. Twice.

Savvy: Well, it was nice to finally talk to you. Imagine being in choir all this time and now we finally just met. That was a really nice surprise.
OlMan: I'll follow you for awhile to make sure you're OK.
Savvy: Thanks, that's so sweet.

And yes, he kept his eye on me the whole way home. And I started to wonder if it might be OK to go out with an older man, even though it had brought a few problems even with someone 14 years older. 20 years older is more. But love doesn't find me very easily or very often. In fact, it had been a year since I kissed someone. So when I saw him at the next day's choir performance, I made sure to say hello.

Savvy: Hey, there. I just wanted to say hi. I just got here.
He smiled but didn't get up to hug me. I thought about sitting next to him and talking to him a little bit. I imagined it would be nice to hold hands...

OlMan: Well, hi. So you got home OK? I followed you until you got off the freeway.
Savvy: Yes. Thanks so much I felt really safe.
OlMan: You're welcome.

Suddenly I felt really stupid for having gone over to say hi to him. It wasn't quite how I imagined. But then, maybe he was embarrassed about our age difference now that there were all these people around.

Savvy: Um, well. I guess I should go sit in my seat.
I was a bit troubled, but thought that we might talk after the show since we were about to start. When I sat down, he looked over and smiled at me. He did this a few times.

And then once the concert was over, we were back in our seats backstage. Our eyes met and he smiled at me. I thought he might come over and say hello or something. I turned to say goodbye to some of the girls in the soprano section. When I looked up again, he was gone.

I around the room at everyone saying their farewells. I wondered if he was in any of the groups taking pictures, or that maybe he went to the bathroom post-show. And then finally started walking out slowly hoping that maybe he was waiting by the door, or at the bottom of the stairs or something. He wasn't. And then I walked to my car wearing my sunglasses to hide that my eyes were turning a bit red from tearing up.

I hoped that at least he would have been more friendly or at least acted like a friend. Or maybe said he was sorry that he kissed me, that I'm really pretty, but he just doesn't see it. Or whatever nonsense I keep hearing. I thought he was attractive despite being much older. The way things are now, it makes me feel like he realized I just wasn't very attractive in fluorescent lighting as opposed to the torch light of the after party. I mean, I was struggling to see it, but I would have tried it out for a couple of dates at least. Perhaps there were too many secrets told, and too much honesty. I thought he would at least be good to me. I guess I was wrong. Again.

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Thursday, July 8, 2010

How Victor became a Loser

A respectable single girl doesn't have the time for losers, least of all ones named "Victor."

I am volunteering for the Red Cross and was a a blood drive when one of the guys who works there started getting a little flirtatious. He stopped by the registration area quite few times to see how we were doing. He even bought dinner for me. Don't go wild, people, I asked him for a kid's meal when he offered. He certainly qualifies as a big spender! Haha.

He even said he already knew what kind of drink I wanted as he stopped by my car when I needed to get my jacket. It gets cold at night in California. Last night it dipped to the 50s and today it's only in the 60s and cloudy.

Victor: I'm trying to guess what color yours eyes are.
Savvy: Oh, that depends.
Victor: Are they blue or are they green?
Savvy: They change with what I'm wearing.
Victor: I would have to be a little closer.
Savvy: We'll see what can be arranged.
Victor: So do you ever go and get a drink with people spontaneously?
Savvy: Sometimes. It depends on the person and the situation.
Victor: So, you can tell alot about a person from what's in their car.
Savvy: Oh? What can you tell about me.
Victor: I can tell you really like music. You like Diet Dr. Pepper. You like Depeche Mode. What was their really big album?
Savvy: Violator. 8 million copies worldwide. First band to fill the Rose Bowl in 1989. Oh, and most of those bands gave me their CDs to review.
Victor: That's right, you said you write about music.
Savvy: What else can you tell? Did you miss anything?
Victor: Oh, is that your phone in there? It must not be important to you.
Savvy: Oh, that's a second line.
Victor: So, it's your player phone.
Savvy: My what?
Victor: Player phone, players have two lines.
Savvy: No, it's my used to live in New York phone and I still have the number. It's not even charged.
Savvy: Did you notice I drive stick.
Victor: Yes, I noticed that.
Savvy: Yeah right.
Victor: Most girls don't drive stick.
Savvy: Most guys don't even drive stick nowadays.
Victor: No, most guys do.
Savvy: Not anymore, most people in general drive automatic.

Through the course of the next few hours, conversation continued similarly with him telling me he thought I was funny or whatever nonsense. He slipped me his phone number on a post-it note. At home later I regrded the post-it and wondered about it. A man who so easily slips a phone number on a post it might also slip something less desirable onto a post-it note. Instead of the prearranged meeting time of 10:30, he called at 10:38.

Savvy: Hey, I'm really tired and I was wondering if we could reschedule.
Victor: Well, to be honest, no. Let me tell you how it is with me. It's usually about like this where I never know what time I get off work really because we have stuff to do, and then sometimes I have to go in really early like at 5 which means I have to get up at 3 so I never know.
Savvy: Really? Sounds terrible. Is it hard to have friends? It just seems like it would be.
Loser: well, yes, a little. But that's how it is, so I really can't reschedule. How do you feel about that.
Savvy: It doesn't exactly make me feel special. Umm, I don't really play games. So I'm going to lay it out for you. You're telling me you can't meet anytime but tonight and it's late. I've only ever heard that a man who wants to meet up late for a drink is up to no good. So it makes you sound like a jerk and I don't have time for that. I already told you I'm looking for something, but only with the right person.
Loser: Well, when you put it that way.
Savvy: Besides, it's the suburbs, most things are closed by now.
Loser: There are things open, you just have to be creative. But aren't you ever spontaneous? Do you have to have everyting planned?
Savvy: No, I don't have to have everything planned, but if I know that I'm meeting up with my friends around 9, I know that one of them will be there around 9 even if all them can't make it at 9. If you were the one that were late, that's fine because you'd only be one out of a group. Plus, it's late right now. If it were early, I wouldn't mind as much. Like say if you thought you were getting off at 6 but it turned out the be 7.
Loser: You offered it to me. It sounded exciting to meet uptonight.
Savvy: Oh? I offered it to you?
(This must be how players try to turn it around.)

Loser: Yeah. Obviously we had a misunderstanding. You were flirting with me all day and I was thinking I should flirt with you. And then when you suggested getting together for a drink after work I thought that I could do that and it sounded exciting.
Savvy: Oh, you flirted. You were talking about my eyes and I remember you were the one who suggested meeting spontaneously for drinks by my car because you asked if I ever do that. I was trying to make it easy for you because it seemed like you thought I was cute.
Loser: I can't see what the difference is between 10:30 and 11 is.
Savvy: It's very different. It's late. I'm tired. I thought we were meeting at 10:30 not talking about meeting at 10:38 and now you're telling me that you're not even done so then we won't meet for even later?
Loser: I still don't see the difference.
Savvy: Well I do. And I'm not seeing how it's worth my time.
Loser: Can I call you back in about 10 minutes? I'm still not done here.
Savvy: Sure.

By that time it was past 11. He actually did call back in about 10 minutes but I couldn't understand anything he said because it was distorted via Bluetooth. I shouldn't have bothered to pick up. I barely understood him say that he would call me another time when he could talk and when reception was better.

I thought, 'please don't, Loser.' And I was thinking of people asking me where I go that I meet these jerks cause it must be someplace sleazy, right? I volunteer for the Red Cross.

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