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Monday, April 12, 2010

Who do you take advice from while looking for Mr. Alright?

Do you take any at all?

A few months back, I posted an entry saying that I was no longer taking any advice about dating. I'm not. Mr. Alright sounds great if you can find him. Some people don't get this. Mr. Perfect doesn't exist---unless it's next door to Prince Charming in fairy land. Mr. Right is in the same neighborhood. The reason why I say to look for an Alright guy is that Mr. Right has turned into Mr. Perfect for many women.

Today I took flowers to a friend who just had surgery and got to meet her mom. I told her I was so happy that her mother was there for her and that parents who love us are such a blessing.

Another friend of hers was visiting and she said that she was concerned because she was in her late 30s and struggling to meet someone. She is Christian, goes to church, I can't say much more because I only just met her. She's very attractive. I'm so surprised that she would have a hard time. I told her the concept of looking for a Mr. Alright and she was fascinated with the idea. I told her:

Mr. Alright is a great guy, but he's not perfect. He's attractive to you, but he's not Brad Pitt. He's Alright because he's ALL right. Everything is right with him. (There's more...)

I don't think I will ever find this guy and there is another blog where they are saying some really mean things. I guess I have to consider what has happened. For about a year I've been getting unsolicited advice like that I should move to a smaller town in the middle of nowhere to find a man. Or that I should put an ad on Match.com and I will get hundreds of responses--so many that my mailbox will break down. I'm sorry that's as much of a fantasy as finding Mr. Perfect. It's a chimera, a dream, a fairy tale.

What if this person who is sending the advice is not living a right life. His blog entries are filled with hatred directed at women. What if he's always calling them really bad names? He's not going to church anymore, but he used to be in Bible college. So he kind of knows what is right, but he's not practicing himself.

What if you don't know him in person? What if he's never even seen a picture of you? What if he judges you for buying shoes when he owns a motorcycle--something that can cost as much as a car. When I think of the serious injuries and death from riding a motorcycle, it's scary. I know of people who have finally given up riding when a friend is killed. That's pretty irresponsible, way more than a pair of shoes and way more expensive with insurance and maintenance. What if he judges you for buying a pair of shoes, but he's got a gaming console that cost way more? I'm just speculating on that one. But I'm fairly certain that he has a big screen TV that probably cost a few thousand.

Would you take advice from this person?

What if the truth is that I'm not very attractive? I'm the girl that guys ask out because they think I'll say yes, not because they actually like me. More than one has actually told me this. They think because I'm not very attractive that I should be grateful and that I'll sleep with them easily. Then they realize I won't. And then they get mad. And then I dump them.

But if I'm really toxic like the guy I described says I am then I better find a really good job. I'm trying to decide between nun and lawyer...celibacy seems to help both.

Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment!


Anonymous said...

I hear nun doesn't pay that well.

As far as advice goes: Consider the source, but weigh the advice. Good advice from a bad source is still good advice. Bad advice from good people has lead to more ruin than the opposite.

As an observer of the human condition, I have discovered that evolution, and therefore evolutionary-based behavior models, are all bullshit. There is a normal ditribution of people and they all seem perfectly capable of attracting mates and passing along their genes. You cannot visit any Walmart and come to any other conclusion.

I further observe that men who are looking for a "good time" are likely not pre-selecting you because you are "easy" but because you are there, and they are "easy". In the past, I was easily disappointed by as many plain girls as hot chicks. I have had to question my own physical and behavioral attractiveness. I concluded that to change either to attract a mate would be disingenuous and likely lead to relationship failure later as the true me became known. This, of course, assumes that the true you is not a toxic shrew with anger issues and a "Michelin Man" body.

As with most things in life, wanting what you want is not a sufficient pre-condition to getting it. Life isn't fair that way. The good men and women are not evenly and fairy distributed to each other so that each gets a partner who is equally matched. Go on with your life. Don't chase that rainbow. Be a woman of good character according to the laws of your own conscience. Contribute to your community. Be the woman God has called you to be.

The rest will come, or it won't. In the mean time your life will be full and satisfying, excepting only that one thing.

That is all.

TabithaVenasse said...

I wouldn't take advice from that person, not in the slightest.

On the one hand, I think if the single folk has good advice, then yeah, it's something to consider. But not everyone is an expert just because they think their way sounds good.

I know many people who knock the book 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' because the author chose not to date anymore. I chose that too, and it was strengthened after reading that book. Not because it created this ideal that if I don't look, Mr. Perfect Knight in Shining Armour will come banging at my door, but because the book made me realize a lot. That, for myself, I was dating for the wrong reasons. I was getting into relationships that continuously broke me, not because I was looking for Mr. All Right, but because I kept lowering my standards in a fear that Mr. All Right didn't exist. That if I sacrificed my standards for someone just because they were good looking, or intelligent, it was the smart thing to do.

And boy was I wrong.

Now, I choose not to date, not because I think it will bring about Prince Charming, but because it gives me the chance to really step back, and remove emotions from the equation of any potential relationship. To look it over and say 'Okay, does he meet my needs, and do we want the same things in life?'.

Which is the other thing I learned. If you want to marry someone, having completely different wants in life will cause a LOT of issues, and probably eventually lead to divorce. I believe stepping back from just diving into dating gives me the opportunity to find these things out about the guy first.

Dating is a tricky thing. There are a lot of things people overlook in their search for Prince Charming, that winds up leaving them miserable even after they've found him.

SavvyD said...

No, his advice basically ran along the lines of what I already stated. Nothing that was new, nothing I could use.

Besides, it wasn't asked for.

I feel sorta bad for this guy, he really hates women for whatever reasons and he actually wanted to help me. But he didn't even understand me.

Oh, yes, he told me not listen to rock because it's the devil's music. Um, can't do that.

TabithaVenasse said...

Bah. If rock is the devil's music, then our local Christian radio station is burning too. And so am I.

mary kate said...

are you growth-oriented? the trick to contentedness is being open to what others say, but not letting it wreck you. so yeah, consider the source. be mad, if what he has said is hurtful. then, ask people you trust and who know you well if any of the advice/comments/criticisms sound true. i have an older couple i recently moved in with who give me great advice. we all know that there's no guarantee i'll get married, but i am doing every healthy thing i can to be in the right position for that to happen. i have great friends, great mentors, i am socially active, i joined eharmony and committed to it for 6 months. i touch base with my therapist when i need to (not often anymore—went back for the first time in about 3 years a few weeks ago). so... are you doing everything you can to be growth-oriented and continually grow closer to god? :D

mary kate said...

ps... prof. hale is right on.
pps... does this other blogger you speak of have the initials m.m.? if so, meh.... don't listen to him.