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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

So, it meant nothing...

So the guy I was talking to a few weeks ago when out with some friends goes to my church. And the band is supported by people I go to church with, so it's a group that I feel relatively safe getting to know better.

So, I found out that one of the guys I met didn't mean anything at all by saying, "I need to see you again."

Wow. Not too many people talk that way to anyone. And then I saw him at church. so I thought it was possible that he might mean it.


He didn't.
He: Hey, so when am I gonna see you again.
Me: Well, that's up to you?
He: That's the best answer ever!!
Me: Awesome.
He: So, what's the best thing that's happened to you this week?
Me: Seeing you again.
He: You little charmer! That's the best answer I ever heard!!! Did you hear what she said?
Me: Well, it's true.
He: I love it! So am I gonna see you the next time we go to see the band?
Me: Will you be there?
He: Yes. I'm a regular.
Me: Then yes, for sure.
He: You little charmer!


In any case. I gave him my card since he was at my church I thought maybe he was a Mr. Alright. As we left for the evening I asked:

Me: I really liked what you said to me last time.
He: Really?
Me: Do you remember what you said?
He: Um, no. What did I say?
Me: You said, 'I need to see you again.'
He: Oh my gosh, I'm such a charmer!!! Scooore!!
Me: Yeah, well I am too.


We both laughed, said goodnight and I figured he now had my phone number and if he called that meant he might be interested. I thought that would be cool.

The first day I hoped.
The next day I thought about it.
The third day I realized he didn't mean it.
The fourth day I realized I'd best forget about it.
The seventh day, I blogged about it.

And here's the thing, he's not the best looking guy, but if he said those things and he meant them, then I thought he was worth a shot. I liked how I saw him treat his friends. But when it came to meaning what he said to girls, I guess he really didn't. Or perhaps he just has no idea how his words impact people who are lonely and really want to believe that there could be someone out there.

So many disappointments. I've got people lambasting me for not being submissive. I'll submit to my dad, to a pastor who is teaching right doctrine, to my doctor if I believe the treatment is correct--but I'm having a hard time finding a man who is husband material to submit to. And remember, this was at church. CHURCH!!!!!

On the other hand. Something was accomplished. I KNOW he's not really interested. I KNOW not to take him seriously in the future.


Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment!

14 comments:

TabithaVenasse said...

Ignore those lambasting you for that.
A man has to be worthy of submission before you give it to him.

Look at all the examples in the bible. Jacob had to prove that he really loved Rachel before he got her submission.

Boaz treated Ruth with extra care and favour when she came to work for him. He treated her not like she was just, someone worth giving a few winks and charm to, but someone who deserved the best. It was because of that that Ruth was willing to submit herself to him, to put herself in that position of vulnerability.

I look at it this way. If a guy isn't willing to pursue me, he's not worth submitting to. If he isn't willing to treat me like the second best thing in his life and loving me as Christ loved the church, he's not worth submitting to.

I hate to say it, but love, at least on the girl's part, has nothing to do with it. The bible says nowhere that a woman has to love her husband. It does say she needs to respect and submit to him... BUT he is supposed to love her in a way that makes her WANT to submit to him.

So yeah.

And also. Finding the right guy at church can be overrated. There's a lot of guys who think that just because they're attending church regularly, they've done their part.

SavvyD said...

'nuff said!!

Professor Hale said...

I am completely not getting it. The both of you engaged in mindless banter with neither one saying what you really mean. It should come as no surprise that you are not getting what you wanted because you did not ask for it. This is not a matter of the proper role in persuit/chase-me games. But some guys are just dense.

Example:
You: Based on your flirting with me last week, I was disappointed when you didn't call.
Him: Huh? Oh... uh... um... I was busy or some other lame excuse.
You: So did I miss your signals or are you just not interested in me?
Him: (either) I'm seeing someone, but I think you are "special" (or) So what are you doing this weekend?

SavvyD said...

Hmm, possible. But I've stuck my neck out many times before only to have my head chopped off. I gave him my phone number. I even texted him this week. He didn't text back. Since I see him at CHURCH I don't want to make it uncomfortable. But I can see me saying something like, when you said you needed to see me again and I gave you my card with my phone number on it, I sort of thought you would call me.

Then he will most likely say, "I've been busy." At which point, I will say "Oh." I know as well as you do that "I've been busy" is guy's code for "not interested." And not calling is also their way of saying, "Not interested."

I think the handwriting is on the wall, but for the blog I've made myself the fool more than once. This one's for you, Hale. when I see him again, it's for your entertainment. ;)

LadyElaine said...

@Savvy:

This is one of the major reasons why my "brother box" exists. I treat all men like I would my brother, and unless he demonstrates CLEAR romantic interest beyond that, then he gets himself out of that category. Most guys don't have a shot because they never actually made one to begin with.

That doesn't mean that I get a pass in treating it like a game or being cruel; but I does keep me from imagining a connection in my head, thereby avoiding the ramp to "dating someone in your head."

Desire is evidenced by pursuit...

SavvyD said...

@Lady Elaine, I most definitely agree with about desire being evidenced by pursuit. However, it seems like men want a hint. And Hale wants a story too, LOL. A story, I can provide for sure.

Professor Hale said...

I greatly appreciate the lengths you will go to for my amusement. I just wanted to let you know that you will never go broke betting on the density of the human brain to catch what you think are obvious signals.

The most infuriating and annoying moments in my mast are those when i have discovered later that people I am interested in have developed a highly unflattering opinion of me based on misleading information. At that point, I get no chance to make things right or I just wander off wondering "what happened"?

Some day when we are all in heaven and understand with clarity both sides of all of these relationship mixups, we will laugh and laugh about the mis-signals, the might-have-beens, and the misplaced regrets.

Women have so polluted the dating pool that men can no longer depend on what you think are clear signals. More timid men will err on the side of safety. Some women like to flirt and enjoy rejecting the guys she thus hooks. Guys who have been caught that way before are less likely to take the bait the second (third, fourth) time.

The old rules about "brother boxes", "friend zones" and other such devices have only made things more difficult for those guys who naturally exist near that boundary anyway. Guys who come on to you at a bar are obviously not looking to be in that zone.

but for the blog I've made myself the fool more than once.

I perhaps in living in my own reality, but I still believe honesty, candor and risk are virtues and not the mark of a fool. People who think they are so atuned to the game that they never get a signal wrong are just lucky that they have not yet run into someone who likes jerking other people around (teasing) for sport. There is nothing foolish about taking the strong position, even for a woman.

Chldren, playing at romance, have the patience for all kinds of games. Adults are best served by knowing where they stand with the other person and if the information is not forthcomeing, to ask for it, even if the answer is unpleasant.

SavvyD said...

Just to be clear


I DON'T GO TO BARS!!!!!!

Professor Hale said...

Re: bars.

Didn't mean to imply you did. Just pointing out the obvious difference in expectations. Also, I believe you mentioned your love for various musical performers, many of whome play to live venues (i.e. Bars). This does not mean you are there for a pick-up, but merely to enjoy the performance of your favorite local bands.

SavvyD said...

Please see comment on new article.

LadyElaine said...

@Professor Hale:

Brother boxes aren't confusing. They're quite simple. I respond when asked and don't expect interest when there is none demonstrated(and a demonstration of sincere interest is not a "hello."). If anything, I see it as a means of keeping my mind and emotions in check when dealing with the opposite sex. Just because the brother box of "friend zone" exists doesn't mean it's a permanent structure. Maybe I"m being hard, but a guy will make an effort if he's interested, and it would be foolish of me to twist myself emotionally like a pretzel wondering if he really cares. Been there, done that, and I have the T-Shirt to prove it. Patience is definitely a tool to uncover deceit, and if anything brother boxes are a means to have appropriate boundaries with men.

SavvyD said...

I agree. It's not to shame or keep people away. Unfortunately, some people think that extending kindness to people is a means of leading them on, so people become rather cruel to those they don't like in a romantic way. There weren't "brother boxes" before because people weren't single for so long before. I've seen the same guy be very nice to the very pretty girls and not even talk to a girl who is less attractive.

MarkyMark said...

Ladies,

You all need to RE-READ Prof Hale's comment discussing relationship mixups. You gals may THINK you're sending a clear signal, yet it comes across ambiguous to a guy. Couple that with the fact that many of your sisters have teased him into thinking they were interested when they weren't; IOW, the guy ACTED on what he thought was genuine interest from the girl, only for her to gleefully shoot him down when he takes the bait. After having that done to you a few times, you're a lot more cautious as a guy before going out on a limb to pursue someone...

MarkyMark

SavvyD said...

This is the same guy doing the teasing as in the one where it really meant nothing. I don't know how much more clear it could have been. In the end, it was clear he didn't mean what he said.

We also shouldn't go throwing ourselves at guys because many think it's because we want sex with them. See? Constant problems between the sexes.