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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Single for the Holidays

I just rode with my uncle for about an hour after visiting my cousins. It was an interesting conversation.

Someone asked me to write about being single for the holidays and initially I thought I was fine with it. But, truthfully, I’m not. Not anymore. I am incredibly lonely. Crushes on pop stars fill the void when you are 12, but not so much when you are older.

I did what I have done most years. I spent it with my family. My older brother has been married or in a relationship with his wife for many years. Naturally, I thought I would be next. Another of my cousins has been married or involved with her boyfriend for 10 years. Another cousin got married 2 years ago. My youngest cousin has a boyfriend. And then there’s me.

I have not usually had a boyfriend for the holidays. When I did about 2 years ago, no one liked him. I’m sort of used to this, or I should be by now. No one asked me this year if I am seeing anyone. They can pretty much guess I am not because I hardly ever do.

It’s really getting to me lately that there is never anyone who is worth having. My uncle said none of the guys he has met that I was dating have been worth anything. Great.


He told me, “Forget about men. They’re all jerks. There are trainable jerks, but all have the potential of being jerks, even me.” I agreed with him. I know his track record for having hurt my aunt and my cousins. I will spare the details.


There have been other things which the Lord answered my feverish prayers, but never in this department. I sincerely believed in my teens that I would marry a wonderful man and that our love would be a great testimony to my dysfunctional family and they would all be saved.
I’m not Baptist anymore, though.

“Try online. That’s what your cousin did.” Yes. I know. “That’s how I’ve met some of these jerks I was telling you about.”

“I went to college in the 1960s and it was the sexual revolution then. I would do things with girls on the first date. I was a real jerk. But then, sometimes it was shocking that I wouldn’t even ask. One girl I had just kissed her on the couch and she stood up and said she didn’t want to get her clothes wrinkled, so she just took them off right in front of me. Many times I was the one being seduced.”


“I’m sure. But it’s been a long time since I have been with anyone and I just think it should be more special than that.”

“Well, if that’s not what you want, then you’ll just have to move on and toss them aside as not good enough. But really, forget about men. Just find what you really want to do and do it.”

I guess that’s all that is left. Me. It doesn’t look like there will be a happy ending for me when it comes to love, marriage and children. I know it’s a pain. I know it’s not a rose garden to be married.

But then, maybe it is. Those who say God never promised you a rose garden clearly never gardened. Rose gardens have bugs, thorns, and fungi. They have to be pruned, fed, and watered. They have to be planted in the right spot and in the right soil.


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Sunday, December 26, 2010

Married men hit a new low

I hate to chalk it up to someone being married... it's really just that Tough is a bit of a lying, cheating ass. A guy I know from my past who went out of his way to find me and contact me again sent out Christmas cards with his wife. That's a normal married thing to do, right? Lots of singles send out Christmas cards as well. It's not something I have really wrapped my head around, though I'm starting to think I should in my spinsterhood. In any case, this man propositioned me slyly saying that he wouldn't ask me to do anything I didn't want to do but making himself completely available for anything I might want to do. People, that is a LINE...

Of course this came with multiple assurances that he was actively seeking to disavow himself of his wife because she refused to sleep with him. Um... people, dare I say that's another line? Then he said that he couldn't leave her because he doesn't believe in divorce. And that he didn't want to leave her because of the children. Apparently he DOES believe in cheating on the side. Sometimes when friends get back in touch with you, they don't have the best intentions. But men who do not like their wives should not send out Christmas cards featuring little representations of them on the card as if nothing is wrong. Dear folks, does he think I'm an idiot who can't see through his lines? I sent him packing forthwith but kept him as a friend on Facebook. That's how I saw the card his cheating ass sent out with his family.

I called him Tough if you would like to check out how things get going in August please click on Tough. Why the Lord continues to allow such people to hit on me while I so far have not met a decent man is at this point so beyond me, I just can't fathom it.

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Saturday, December 25, 2010

Love is just around the corner...

A newlywed couple sat on the couch discussing relationships with us singles. And somehow my status came up...oh shit. (I did not say that.) The female newlywed assured me that I was, indeed, cute.

Savvy: That's nice to hear. It's hard to tell. None of the guys ask me out.
Nwlywd: Oh, well, you can't want it.
Savvy: I don't think that's true.
Nwlywd: Have you tried Match.com?
Savvy: Yes.
Nwlywd: Have you been going to church?
Savvy: OK, let me rephrase...I have had offers, but they are the wrong kind of offer from the wrong kind of guy. And anything you name, I have tried it to try to meet someone since none of the guys seem to notice me.


An interloper involved himself in the conversation. I had expressed interest in said interloper and when he failed to seemed interested in me, I gave up and would just say hi but did not seek him out to converse with him any longer. We shall call him Chuck.

Chuck: Love is just around the corner.
Savvy: Um...
Chuck: Do you mean none of the guys at church have asked you out?
Savvy: Yes. No one.
Chuck: So, wait, out of all the guys you have met at church, none have asked you out?
Savvy: That is correct.
Chuck: So, wait, out of all the years you have been going to church none have ever asked you out.
Savvy: In all the years...I would say about 2 or 3 guys at church have ever asked me out. But that was 5 years ago the last time someone from church asked me out.
Chuck: I really believe love is just around the corner.


I must have turned the wrong corner. And believe me, I have turned too many corners to count.

Just so we are aware that I'm not seeking some outrageously perfect man. I will share with you one of my early crushes circa 1991-1993 was Gordan Gano, lead singer of Violent Femmes. He is 5'4", has stunning blue eyes, and writes music that I find equal parts disturbing, enjoyable, inspiring, and funny. He is both devout Baptist and singer of torch songs for troubled teens (and misfit modern singles). My two best friends and I probably drove people insane singing every lyric to every album ad nauseum with feeling. I did make someone laugh tonight by singing their classic, "Girl Trouble."

Now, some of you might think I'm strange. I'm so fine with that. I'm just looking someone who can still love me. So far I haven't met him yet. And sadly, Gordon Gano was not around any of the corners that I turned.









And never shy about the ugly side of life, this is ripped from the headlines of an 1862 news story about a man who threw his daughter down a well and hanged himself.


And this ditty always makes me laugh.


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Thursday, December 16, 2010

The X in Xmas

As you can tell, I'm currently obsessed with MUSE.  Above my deep discussion of Xmas are tabs with articles featuring Matt Bellamy (lead singer of Muse) and very early demos of Muse from 1997.  Another tab is related to space, and this particular skin shows scenes from the music video "Sing For Absolution" in which the band play astronauts.  Check it out on Youtube.  It's totally awesome.  My Xmas wish is for more Muse, that they have safe travels, and think of Christos this Xmas.

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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Red Flag Fail

My friend Katrina is one of those really sweet girls who gets asked out constantly by guys. I have never been in her shoes. I have no idea what it feels like. Yet, she doesn't have a boyfriend. Why?

Katrina: I was thinking about that guy I mentioned to you and I don't think I would be happy with him because he jokes around alot and I think I need someone more serious.
Savvy: well, I have my theories about him, but yes, he jokes around. Wait, has he asked you out?
Katrina: No, so maybe I should focus on the ones that like me and ask me out.
Savvy: Sounds like a really good plan.
Katrina: I met this guy tonight who talked about going out with me.
Savvy: Did he ask for your number?
Katrina: Yes.
Savvy: OK, then go out with him.
Katrina: I don't know.
Savvy: Why not?
Katrina: Well, I was talking to this other guy at a party and he mentioned that he would like to go snowboarding with me.
Savvy: Snowboarding? really?
Katrina: Yeah, but he's divorced and I see that as a red flag.
Savvy: Really? A red flag? Um, I hate to be rude, but how old are you?
Katrina: 29.
Savvy: How old is he?
Katrina: He's in his 30s.
Savvy: I'm going to be blunt here, it seems to me that you have alot of guys asking you out, but at 29 your red flag list seems very interesting. I mean, at 29 it's going to be hard to find guys who haven't been involved in a serious relationship, divorced, or even having lived with a girl in their past. Many might even have kids by their 30s.
Katrina: I never thought about it that way.
Savvy: It's just something to think about. Are you picky?
Katrina: Well, yes, I'm selective.
Savvy: Sounds like you might be a little too selective in ways that aren't helping you. If I had guys talking about going out with my, I would go out with them to check it out and see what's up. I don't have anyone asking me out.
Katrina: No one? You're so cute. And you're such a great conversationalist.
Savvy: All the girls are very sweet about it, but the guys just don't like me like that. It's probs the 30 lbs I've been trying to lose and I'm totally out of shape.
Katrina: Don't say that about yourself.
Savvy: Well, it must be something. They just don't look at me like that. I'm working on it, but it's so slow. So listen, if I had guys asking me out, I would go out and see what's up instead of twisting myself into knots over hypothetical situations and red flags that aren't helping.


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Saturday, December 4, 2010

Swedish Fishing

I went to a party called a Gloggfest which was basically a Swedish drinking party. I was feeling a little bit sick, but decided I didn't mind. I met alot of people that evening, and ran into friends. However, yes, I remember the guys...

First, there was a British guy. And he might not be the best looking guy ever, but his smile knocked my socks off. He was also mildly flirtatious, putting his arm around me and touching me on the arm.

Savvy: So, what part of England are you from?
Glsvgs: The northern part...so North that it's called Scotland.
Savvy: Oh! Haha. Sorry.
Glsvgs: It's alright.
Savvy: I've actually been exploring the music of Anglo peoples lately. I've been listening alot to Frightened Rabbit from Scotland, and then I've been listening to a great deal of Muse. But, I didn't realise that the band Glasvegas was called that and were from Scotland until I actually met them--out here of course.
Glsvgs: It's a well-known secret that we call it Glasvegas.
Savvy: Now I get it. So what brought you out here?
Glsvgs: I work for a company which sells whiskey and I educate people about it.
Savvy: So, what should I know about it?
Glsvgs: Now, what is it you do?
Savvy: I'm a journalist.
Glsvgs: So, I'm not going to ask you to write a novel tonight, now am I?
Savvy: Hahahaha. No.


But then after some more conversation, he said:
Glsvgs: Well, I'm sure I'll be seeing you at another one of these since it's a rather small social circle.
Savvy: Oh, sure. That would be lovely.

That, my friends, is called the Hollywood kissoff...

A friend started showed me where lives on his iPhone and asked where I live on the iPhone. Glogg (it has some alcohol) makes it a little hard to find...but I did. We sat together for a large chunk of the time at the party. I'm very attracted to him and he's always been nice. In fact, he made quite an impression having been the guy who's really into conspiracy theories. We were both wearing velvet and I petted it occaisionally while we were talking. For some reason, it seemed like no big deal. I loved the idea of having him for my boyfriend this evening. These meetings at events have so far come to nothing.

But, while we were talking, I noticed a stunning Swedish guy. OK, stunning to me. Usually I like taller guys. This one was 5'6", had blond curly hair and blue eyes. I had no idea what an effect curly hair could possibly have on me, but it did and the eye contact dance began, and then as he and his friends walked past me, I asked a question.

We didn't really have some stunning or remarkable conversation, but after my conspiracy theorist friend left, I ended up spending the rest of the evening until 3 am hanging out with them and sitting next to him. Then when I dropped them off, the joke was, "You can always sleep in the bed with X since he's the smallest." I answered, "Oh, I don't do that on the first date." I was amused to put it that way and still feeling sick, but I can see how easily someone can be caught up in the moment. Seriously, he was really good looking to me. It was fascinating how much he looked like a young Martin Gore complete with slightly crooked teeth. It was nice to have such an attractive guy be a little attentive to me.

SwFish: Can I have your card?
Savvy: Oh, sure...wait... Oh, no. I seem to have run out.
SwFish: How can this be? Everyone in America has a card.
Savvy: Well, it's just that I gave a bunch out and I don't have any more. I actually got to give some out to the guys in Muse last week.
SwFish: Who is Muse?
Savvy: They are playing on my stereo right now.
SwFish: Ah.
Savvy: Well, are you on Facebook?
SwFish: Yes.
Savvy: OK, write yourself down.


He looked at me longingly while his friends got out of the car. I wanted to kiss him, but didn't have the nerve with his friends watching. He gave me a hug. I sent him a friend request already.

I've been single a really long time, and I have to say, I wish I could talk to this one again. We talked alot about curly hair, which might seem stupid, but when you've got naturally curly hair, it seems very profound. It was lovely for one night to imagine a man like him could like me. And perhaps if he were staying longer...but he isn't.

Woke up with my cough even worse than it was and stayed in bed most of the day. It was worth it. Ah, well. Back to singledom.

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Monday, November 29, 2010

Why teens are leaving church

This could easily be titled "Why Singles Are Leaving the Church."

This is a reprint. It very old in blog years and it made me think.

Teens are leaving the church. According to the National Opinion Research center, in 1998 only 16% of 18 to 22 year olds had an active ongoing relationship with the faith of their parents. In “Soul Searching: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of American Teenagers” Christian Smith concludes that even when living at home and active in church, teens are embracing an aberrant Christianity, which he describes as moralistic, therapeutic deism.”

Ask teens why they’re leaving the church and they may say:
1) I never experienced God there;
2) My tribal associations are stronger outside church than in it;
3) The issues that matter to me aren’t addressed at church and the issues addressed at church don’t matter to me; or,
4) I never saw anything in my parents that made me want to be a Christian.

There is an mp3 of the discussion online at the original site. Check it out.

www.thekindlings.com/2006/11/17/why-teens-are-leaving-the-church-podcast-live-at-hales-segment-3-of-3/

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Saturday, November 27, 2010

Love is like poker...

I ended up having a conversation with a guy who I had not heard good things about and it was enlightening. He fully admits to his shortcomings and that he is not the most faithful of guys when it comes to either love or spirituality. After that, nothing is truly shocking.

And let's just clarify that the conversation was just that, a conversation. I was not flirting with him. Hells no! Besides, I don't think he was joking about how much drinking he does. He had a metal flask on hand at a party where there was already plenty to drink if you wanted it. But evenings do end, as do poker games. I won, by the way.

Svvy: Why don't you take this opportunity to be a gentleman and walk me to my car?
Dxtr: Well, OK. Usually they say a man is a scholar and a gentleman, I usually skip to scholar.
Svvy: So...I heard something interesting from you from someone who used to date you...and sorry to say the report was not so good.
Dxtr: I know who you're talking about. And she was right.
Svvy: Wow. Good for you, you admit your shortcomings.
Dxtr: Look, you should know that I dated her because I wasn't dating anyone else, I was bored and she was fun.
Svvy: True, she's fun.
Dxtr: So, I was always coming from a place of not taking it very seriously.
Svvy: And she was looking for someone to be serious with.
Dxtr: And she's way more Christian than me.
Svvy: Yeah, one time I teased her about making out with her boyfriend and she said "we don't do that." And I was like, "That's what I would be doing if I had a boyfriend."
Dxtr: Yeah, well, if I'm making out with a girl, I'm going to try to go further. And if a girl doesn't want that either we don't make out or she will take my hands and push them away. But I'm a man whore. And that whole waiting business doesn't necessarily make us stay or go.
Svvy: I know that. I guess my issue is they are pushing sooner than I am ready.
Dxtr: What 3 months?
Svvy: No. Try before 3 dates. Before I'm even comfortable talking about where he has been and if he has anything because...well...I know I don't have anything.
Dxtr: I get tested.
Svvy: Yes, well, that's one way of knowing, but there's other things to talk about, too. And if you aren't comfortable talking about it...well, it's best not to do it.
Dxtr: Those conversations are awkward.
Svvy: Well, so far no one has offered me enough in exchange in terms of a relationship or being good looking enough for me to want to do anything.
Dxtr: Well, that's how some guys are. Like, I might be seeing a nice girl and then when she goes home, I call my booty call.
Svvy: I know that, that's why I'm not going to do anything with them. Not only is it that I would rather wait, it's that I know guys do that and I'm not going to do anything with someone until I know it's a little more serious than that.
Dxtr: Well there are definitely guys out there who are looking for something serious. But you aren't going to find that in a bar.
Svvy: I don't go to bars except with my friends because it's someone's birthday.
Dxtr: Well, maybe it's a matter of putting in the time with a guy who isn't ready to be serious yet and then when he is...it's sort of like poker. Sometimes it's a waiting game. Sometimes you have to take risks and then ultimately you win.
Svvy: Yeah, winning at poker tonight was fun. But you also have to know when you have a bad hand from the outset. And besides, this wasn't real poker tonight. I wouldn't bet real money. I guess if love is like poker, I'm either waiting to be dealt in, or I haven't been liking the cards I've been dealt. I'm going to wait for a better hand then. One with cards that can make a serious impact. Maybe then I will consider it fun to play.


Let's be honest, Dxtr is something of a jerk, but he does seem to live by something of a moral code. He is this way because he can be. Some girls out there are allowing this. Either they hope he will change because they have bet a great deal on him, or someday he will meet the right girl at the right point in his life and he will change.

But because I know that there are guys out there like that, I think I am making the right choices.

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Friday, November 26, 2010

Go and meet them! Date at church!

I was at church talking to this guy and for some reason dating at church came up.

Savvy: I think people should date people at church. After all, where else are you going to meet someone nice who might be spiritual and possibly get married?
Dude: Well, Paul said in scripture that it's better to be single.
Savvy: What is this? A monastary? The bible also says it's not good for man to be alone.
Dude: Well, I just don't think the purpose of going to church should be to meet someone.
Savvy: Why not?
Dude: You should go to church to worship God.
Savvy: I mean if you aren't going to have people you are friends with at church and have people you have fellowship with or even date, you might as well stay at home. I can worship God by myself.
Dude: The Bible says that we should not give up meeting with each other and that we should worship together.
Savvy: But you just said that you shouldn't go to church to meet people. I'm just saying that there's really no point to going to church if you aren't going to meet people. And that could include asking someone out on a date.
Dude: Well, I don't see anyone I'd like to pursue.
Savvy: How do you know that? You don't even know any of them.


He was sitting at a table alone. Yes, he had come with his roommate, but let's face it, he wasn't a joy to meet. He wore a dour expression on a seemingly permanent basis and seemed to put on the breastplate of solitude.

Savvy: I mean seriously, all of this stuff about us repeating what Paul said about being single...it's more like we're just rationalizing that we're single without really a spiritual reason. We're single because society has changed, not by choice.
Dude: Well, if the Lord brings that to you...
Savvy: And 40 years ago the Lord most certainly would have brought that to the majority of us. But we don't have partners because society has changed. All I'm saying is if you are serious about meeting a nice girl, go meet them.
Dude: OK, fine. I will.


And whether he did it because he found me entirely disagreeable I'll never know. He got up and went to a group of more seriously minded, more likely to quote scripture than Savvy kind of people and started talking. He actually talked to a pretty girl. I think I did something good.

So, guys, go out and meet them!! Get to know them.

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Friday, November 19, 2010

Your English is not good

Hi back good looking. What else can you tell me about yourself. What kind of music do you like? Where are you from?

Savvy


did i sent you a reply i may have not but i like a big vriaety of music and i was born in el savador now have been sigle for some time and looking forward to meet and talk to new friends and make a new start is what im hoping for but this is i big fish pon and who knows if you will like to reply or not but if you do ill be here to reply prontly and good hunting to you too

TRANSLATION: Dear Miss Savvy, You so smart. Im green card hunter and my inglesh is not to gud.



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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Conversing with Feminists

Later I was crying to a friend who is a doctor and her mom about how much it hurts that I haven't found anyone at all and most of my dates have been horrible.

TheMom: I'll bet you anything your friends who are married wish they could be you. I'll bet they aren't happy. Kids can be horrible, look at my oldest daughter who came at me with a fist. Men are nothing but trouble. You can go where you want when you want and you don't have to answer to anyone.

DrFrnd: I was dating someone. It was nice to hear that I was pretty at first, but then that's all he ever said. He didn't notice how kind I was to my patients even though we worked together all the time. He never said how smart I was. It was always how pretty I was. Well, what happens when I'm not pretty anymore? What then?

Savvy: I guess that would bother me too.

Drfriend: And I made it really hard for him to date me. He asked me out a few times, and then I said yes, but I told him, "I'm Indian. You know what that means, right? We don't put out."

Savvy: I wish I had a line like that. That's funny.

Drfriend: I have a guy friend who's Christian and he always tells me that I shouldn't let any of those stories guys tell about having to have it get to me. He says any guy who is worth it and thinks you're worth it will wait.

Savvy: My friend's mom told us that he thought his wife was pretty, but he married her because she was smart and she was a teacher. He knew that she knew how to work hard and that if anything happened to him that she would be able to take care of the children. So those other things are important.

DrFrnd: You can always have kids even without a man.

Savvy: Dude, no way. I wouldn't want that by myself. Too much trouble. Kids deserve to have a dad.

DrFrnd: We have it so good as women today. Yes, our generation has problems. Most women are complaining about how they can't find someone suitable. They're shallow and irresponsible. So many of them think with the wrong head. Men were always the same way, it's just that women used to have to turn a blind eye when their husbands cheated.

Savvy: I don't think they all cheated, but I see your point.

TheMom: Maybe you should travel and just take time to enjoy yourself. They say if you do the things you love, you meet people along the way.

Savvy: It's never worked out that way for me. I've been wishing and hoping and praying that there is someone for me and he's looking for me too, but we can't seem to find each other.

Drfriend: So, then, just do what makes you happy anyway. You don't need a man these days.

Savvy: Sometimes the temptation hits to date someone just to have someone, but I refuse to be with someone who isn't going to treat me right. There are some guys who you can tell they are violent on the very first date.

Drfriend: And you shouldn't. I've seen things as a surgeon that would shock you. So has my dad. And I work at a private hospital, too. There have been women who were stabbed to death by jealous ex-boyfriends who said they just wanted to talk. One of my dad's first cases involved examining the body of woman who was killed by her boyfriend. She was chopped up to bits. Another time a woman was brought in and she had been chopped with an axe by her boyfriend who was caught in the act by the police. And yet another time, a guy ended up dead...the woman told us that she got a new boyfriend on the same street and he would beat her every time she walked by. So this time, she protected herself with a hammer. We weren't able to save him.

Savvy: When I was working at a hospital, I heard about how one of the doctors shot his mistress out on the lawn.

Drfriend: I'm not surprised. These are supposed to be the best and the brightest minds, yet so many of them are on drugs it's not funny. I don't trust them any more than anyone else.

Savvy: There's a reason why they round up "the usual suspects". It's always someone they knew. And it seems that the men always choose very violent methods--guns, axes, knives--while women choose things like poison. It's scary. I dump them early and often.

Drfriend: Definitely listen to your instincts. There are alot of bad ones.


I get their point. I really do. It's just the years of feeling rejected are all piled up. I have some really shitty things happening in my personal life that I don't blog about. I'm not expecting life to be perfect. I never have. It's just that if I had been planning to be single forever, I should have studied medicine also. I'd be making alot more money and could enjoy being a feminist and not needing a man. I feel like I have to pretend I think that. Though, honestly, from my experiences with men, I'm starting to hate them. There are so many bad ones who really aren't worth the space the take up. They lie about who they are, they want Greencards. Forget it.

And seriously, the Mom has put up with her husband cheating on her. And when she got her bachelors and masters degrees recently, he made rude comments to her about her age the whole time. "They gave you a fellowship? Do they even know how old you are?" As if it were a waste to give someone older a fellowship. That is sad. She ended up not working after she got a degree. A little kindness goes a long way, but so does unkindness.

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"You'll make a cute wife!"

I went looking for engagement rings. Not that I'm engaged, it's just that I wanted to feel what it would be like to look at engagement rings and have everyone asking me about my man and how we met and when the wedding is and what I look forward to on my special day...

It was great for awhile. After looking at several rings...

Savvy: You know I've been watching that Bridezilla show and I just don't understand how these women act like that and have such nice boyfriends.
Seller: Back in my day it certainly wasn't like that.
Savvy: I'm sure it wasn't.
Seller: My husband and I got married 46 years ago and I just got a small ring. Over the years I've gotten bigger rings from him. This is my 5th ring.
Savvy: I would do that. I would marry him with just some little tiny ring and have the ceremony at the courthouse. I don't care about all that other stuff. I just care about being with the right person.
Seller: That's the right kind of attitude, but if you can afford it, you might as well get a really nice ring.
Savvy: That's also true.
Seller: You'll make a cute wife.
Savvy: Aww. thanks!
Seller: The ones who smile and laugh alot always make things easier.

I thanked her so much for her time. And then started to tear up a little as I walked out the door. And then sat on a bench and cried my eyes out for 5 minutes. Someone thinks I would be a cute wife. But it's never any of the guys.

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Sunday, November 7, 2010

How to lose at winning a date

So, I went to see a band play at a club. Yes, a club. But I was press covering and, quite frankly, ain't nothin' happ'nin' at church on Thursday nights. And it was Dennis Quaid's band. Why not? But that doesn't tell the full story. Did I mention the club was in Beverly Hills? Just checking.

What do you associate Beverly Hills with? Well, of course, wealthy and very attractive people who wear expensive designer clothes. Perhaps people would be there would want to see and be seen. And then there was dancing after the band. I just minded my busines moving very subtly to the music.

Suddenly a man walked up to me out of nowhere and took my hands...
Man: Hey, do you want to dance?
Me: Sure, OK.
Man: Wow, you're so pretty.
Me: Thanks.
What is that smell?
Man: Are you an actress?
Me: No.
Man: You should be. You're beautiful. And you're wearing a pretty flower in your hair.

OMG, what's that smell?
Me: No, I don't want to be.
Man: You really should be. I'm an actor and a director.

Wow, he's really laying it on thick.
Man: So do you live around here?
Me: No.
Man: Where do you live?


I back away just a little bit. First, I hate yelling in clubs. Second,dear God, he really smelled. It reached 100 degrees that day, but it didn't quite explain what offense hit my nostrils. He reeked as if he had worn the same suit for two weeks without showering. Or brushing his teeth.

There was no way that this guy wearing a non-designer suit and unfortunate shoes plus severe BO was going anywhere in this town. Thank God my silence seemed to work. He turned around and looked at the dance floor. Then he turned back to me at the end of the song.

Man: Thanks so much for this dance. Have a wonderful evening.
Me: OK.


Hallelujah! I left the club laughing and feeling sorry for him a bit. Wow, if he's an actor, he's only acting like he's taking showers. And if he's a director, he should direct himself to take a real shower, use some real deodorant, and also have his suit dry cleaned. Seriously, people, I was ready to puke!

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Friday, October 8, 2010

30 year old virgins on Oprah

I sort of hate the Oprah show. I also sorta like it. They produced a show about two women who are still virgins at 30 years old who felt a bit traamatized by circumstances in their lives. I suppose there's something to that. But sometimes it's really a combination of things. Personally, I've tried having relationships with people who didn't respect the religious reasons and they were very disrespectful and impatient--something which in turn makes them very unattractive.


To their credit, they did disgust the societal shift in feelings toward virginity. Dr. Laura Berman and Oprah both stated that, "It's not a problem if you don't have a problem." Good. I'm glad for that.

One of the girls (#1) is really overweight, like 250 lbs. In some ways that's not fair. Though not feeling good about your weight is a major reason for not wanting to have sex or be naked around someone.


The other woman (#2) had problems after her mother died. Her father started sleeping with a parade of women. She became angry because her mom was replaced, and yet not because her father was just using them. I somewhat agree with her hesitation to be intimate. You do want to know that someone really likes you and enjoys your company.

Now, lest you judge, as so many do. The weight gain that girl #1 experienced was the result of a medical condition. Both the treatment and the medical condition caused a sudden weight gain. Oh, I've heard this before and experienced it on a smaller scale myself. And that weight is impossible to lose. You can feel the judgment coming from other people and then you cast it on yourself. And before anyone knows it, they are stuck in a chronic system.

The funniest part was talking about masturbation, which Dr. Berman thinks is OK and important. Girl #2 said, "I just think it's a team sport." In some ways, though, that people talk about it on TV makes some people think it's OK to talk about on a date. I've had guy ask bizarre sexual questions very early--too early for me to even know if I even want to see them again. Actually, no, I take it back, that makes me know for sure that I don't want to see them again. LOL!

And let's not forget that there really are more than a few people out there who are users and losers. As far as I'm concerned, it's better to be safe than sorry. The other thing addressed was that Girl #2's father's inability to love impacted the whole family.

Girl #1 experienced meeting with a stylist and then being set up on a few dates with men who seemed very nice, even if they weren't outrageously attractive.

I wonder what the Oprah show would do with me? I mean, it's not like I'm never out there. But I'm not asked out as much as I would like and not by the right kind of men. I'm doing all the right things, but just not getting the right amount of dates with the right kind of guys. I've tried online dating. Nothing has worked. I'm trying to lose every ounce of the weight I gained from my accidents and medical ills,though the process is slow.

I have friends who are thin and beautiful and even they get the runaround from guys. I've tried living in other places, less glamorous towns. And that didn't work out very well either. Perhaps I should just hire someone to be my boyfriend. An actor. Why not? Just kidding!!!

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Sunday, October 3, 2010

Do you have a boyfriend yet?

I spoke with one of the ladies from church about my predicament. I can't find a worthy boyfriend. There really are NO single straight men at the church where I sing professionally, and plenty who don't seem to be interested at the other church where I fellowship.

One Sunday as we prepared for the processional:
Lady: Do you have a boyfriend yet? I've been praying.
Savvy: No. But thank you so much.
Lady: I was hoping."
Savvy: Keep praying, maybe God will do something.


It was so sweet. I hate to be a disappointment. I keep praying, and praying, and watching, and waiting, and dreaming, and dreaming of the special man I admire. Sometimes I pretend I'm with him. But, of course if I met someone I would drop that dream...but instead I only have dreams...*SIGH*

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Thursday, September 23, 2010

Too Much Information

Oh dear. Sometimes you find things out about people that you didn't want to know...but then...sometimes you're glad you know so you can just move on. Here is the followup to dating online being a waste of time.

I had met someone a year ago and spent a considerable time with her getting to know here. Not to forget that we were intimate few times without protection. Since I cannot feel and enjoy intercourse with protection, I dont use it. However, I am really selective about who gets intimate with me. So anyways, after 2 months I found out that my girlfriend apparently was dating 2 other guys on the side and was probably physically intimate with them too. I felt like crap and hopefully you can understand that. I am not jealous, just careful. I love talking to you and would love to talk to you more but you seem way too busy. We have been emailing back and forth for a month or even more and havent met still.

Nick



My response:

Dear Nick,
I was very sick.

Wow. That's alot of pain to go through.

You should be selective, as am I. I am also cautious about who I meet at all. I was meeting a female friend the day you called and the timing was off. You did not try again. We certainly didn't know each other's schedules, and I have to say someone who sends a goofy picture is often hiding something or not serious. It's a really big turnoff and made you look like a player. I tried to coax something more from you but it did not work. You then accused me of something I would never do.

I appreciate your sharing and I'm sorry you went through that. Because of such things I would not be intimate without condoms since I have only had intercourse with 2 people. Even WITH condoms, there are some STDs such as herpes which can be passed. It's something I prefer not to share with men since they usually don't believe it and expect things to go very fast. For others, an inexperienced woman is a big turn off because for them, relationships are mainly about sex. Perhaps if people didn't move so fast, there wouldn't be so many hurt feelings out there. Like I said, I am looking for my sweetheart. Someone who would put love and care in the mix. Soulmate sounds like looking for perfection, I'm not looking for perfection. I'm looking for a sweetheart.

I hope you have been tested. Yo might want to reevalute your position on condoms as I hear there are women who will lie and say they are on the pill and the pill doesn't always work correctly.

I wouldn't normally say this either, but the pill made me very ill when I tried it, so I do not take it. I think there is no use in meeting, though I am not too busy. I do things by myself alot like seeing classical and rock concerts. I have to keep busy or I will be sad that I do not have a sweetheart.



Now people, I know there will be two ways of thinking about this.

2 people? Practically a virgin.

2 people??? Not married??? What a whore!!!

For the people who think I'm too inexperienced:
I can't help it that I want to know that someone has a heart before I sleep with them. I can't help it that I want to know that they care about me. I can't help it that I want to know that we have some real potential. What I really want is to wait for marriage. Everyone has needs, and before I care about meeting a man's "needs", he has to care about meeting my needs.


For the Christians:
The first man forced himself on me when I was a very naive 18 year old. The second man, I was very far from the Lord and most secular people view sex as a natural part of a relationship. We waited five months between getting to know each other and meeting his children. However, that relationship had some issues beyond that that I was not emotionally ready to handle like his children really hating me and him still seeing his ex-girlfriend. He said I was just being immature and jealous but then he married her. Once I went back to being a Christian, I have not felt strongly enough about anyone to even be tempted, really. I might feel tempted if I felt like they actually cared about me.

This is sort of why I keep my blog anonymous. I want to be able to at least be somewhat honest about things.

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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A general waste of time...dating online


I can't figure out why this has to be so difficult. He said he would send a picture but, really? Why not send one that actually looks like you instead of sending one that looks like Elvis. Good riddance anyway...


Hello Nick,

I'm sorry I've been sick with a terrible cough the last few days. I'm trying to let my white cells do their job without anti-biotics. It takes more time, but I just don't like taking medicines all the time.

----------------

awww sorry to hear that. Yea a lot of people are having cold flu like symptomps lol. Relax and get better!
----------------

Hi Nick,

The update is that my cough is finally mostly gone and I should be able to meet after this weekend. I have family coming into town for Labor Day. We should be having a nice time. I might be able to call or text, but can't get together until this week/weekend. The nice thing is that we live close by


-----------------------
Sure that sounds good. Let me know I can meet after wednesday
-----------------------

Hi Nick,
Sorry I was not able to talk the other day. I was waiting for a friend to call me and meet up with me. Hopefully we can find a better time to talk.

Do you have a picture? You have been seeing me, so it's only fair, right?


-------------------------

I snet you a picture on your phone when you called me and i got your no. Check your phone!

-------------------------

I thought you were my friend Chris goofing off and wearing some weird Elvis-looking shades with fake mutton chop side burns. So it wasn't a "no". That's what happens when you wear sunglasses for a pic, lol.

-------------------------
Are you sure you are keeping your diary notes properly of who all you are talking to. Lol

----------------------

Original Message YOU sent on 9/14/2010 11:54:11 AM

Please send me a real picture that shows your smart and classy side. I mean, clearly you have a sense of humor.

You really looked like my friend Chris goofing off, as I already stated. I only talk to the people from here who seem like they are worth the investment of time. So far you are one of 3.

Savvy


--------------------

The problem is I dont want to be one of the three. I believe I deserve better than that. I appreciate your time and effort but I am sorry. I have no intentions of investing my time (which i dont have much for myself) to get to know someone who is dating two other guys on the side.

I wish you the very best!

--------------------
I did not say that I was dating two other people on the side. I was saying that you were only one of three that I even talked to from this site ever. However, I didn't think they were a match for me and I'm not seeing them again. I'm not dating anyone at all. I have friends I spend time with and that is all because I am looking for someone nice. I don't play games like that.

Savvy


I may not be seeing anyone, but at least I'm not a complete idiot. That picture is, but the way, the exact picture he sent to me!

I clarified the misunderstanding about having talked to 3 people from this site. I only met one of those and I did not think we were a match and only saw him once. Another I could tell was only playing games and I chose not to meet him at all. And then there is you...you sent me picture of you as Elvis, something that a friend of mine would do. I have to wonder about your intentions and assumptions. After all, you are on here. You are talking to women. Did I care? No. Jealousy over things you can't control and someone you haven't met is not logical. And then, what would there be to be jealous over? A man who sends pictures of himself as Elvis? Wow. That's the exact definition of smart and classy!
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Saturday, September 11, 2010

Quit side-hugging me, bro. It's not a real hug.

The coffee friend I have been talking about has a few issues. And one of them I really don't get. First off he asks people weird questions like, "What's one word that describes how you're feeling?" And people play along with it, though I don't know why as it's really lame.

And then it hit me how weird he really is. He stood next to me and put his left arm around me. Well, I can't really do much of anything to hug people with my right since the surgery which was supposed to fix everything. So what did I do? I hugged him by putting my left arm around his body and squeezed back, as I've done many time before. Only this time, it was weird. He had just thanked me for the email and said he was trying to come up with a response...was that it?

NO! It took me ages to figure this out! He's a side-hugger!! A creature of myth and lore I only encountered when I had a roomie who was in the cult version of the International Church of Christ. If you haven't heard of it, it's a very strict community. Or was. My response to seeing an engaged couple side hug was, "You're kidding me, right?" And that's my response today, "You're kidding, right?"

Putting your arm around someone doesn't constitute a real hug. It's not recognized at all by most people as a real hug. Most people haven't even heard of the "side-hug." Let me explain, I was just reading a book called, How to be a People Magnet and it addresses a few different kinds of hugs: The A-frame hug, the Heart-to-Heart hug, and the Bear Hug.

Let's break it down:

The A-frame hug it's a face-to-face hug, but bodies are as far away as possible. It's the hug you give to people you barely know. You know how it is. If you add a pat on the back it's a little bit friendlier.

The Heart-to-Heart hug involves a little more upper body contact. It's for closer friends. And your lower body will still be away from the person.

What? No side hug? Nope. Not a mention.

Now here's the thing--side hugs are lame with a girl who is 5'2" (me) and a man who is 6' (him). See, when that man bends over to hug a really short woman, I can guarantee you that after hugging lots of men, and exchanging more than a few European-style kisses that the general rule is that there is an inversely proportional relationship to height differences and body contact. In other words, dropping the sarcasm, the taller he is, the less the likelihood of any of my body coming into contact with his because he has to lean so far down to hug me. Get to 6'5" and it's hilarious. This is why I can't wait to meet the guys in Menomena. The comedy of a 5'2" girl meeting men who are 6', 6'3" and 6'9" respectively possesses an inherent level of hilarity.

And yet, he definitely side-hugged me again. His approach was to hug, and then as he hugged there was a subtle twist of the angle so that he was more to my side. This time he was on my left so I could hug him with my left, but I'm afraid I accidentally touched his stomach with my left breast. I'm SHORT, people! I'm afraid I'm a really bad side-hugger. He also said we should talk later. By now, though, I'm DONE.

But seriously folks, after all these years of hugging people and being abstinent, the side hug is now what will make the difference between waiting until marriage and falling into certain sin? Oh, whatever!

Seriously? What is EG and does anyone notice how one of the rappers is so into it he almost starts rubbing his crotch like a real rapper? And no kissing? So it's a Euro-free zone, too? Isn't this inherently discriminatory? What about going home in a coma for hugging? What? I know it's inherently ridiculous. So they are against PDA at this conference, but it's OK to Christian Side-Hug all day and side-hug ALL NIGHT!!! Wow, now there's an idea, boys and girls!

I'm sorry, give me a few moments to catch up with a bunch of hooey that I clearly missed out on by growing up in the "wrong" decade. No wonder secular people laugh at "Christians." If you visit www.ChristianSideHug.com the whole thing has become a joke. "The Christian Side Hug is Christ’s way to prevent unwanted genital-to-genital contact which may lead to increased sinful desires toward other people." Really? So why was it only announced in 2009?






This is wrong but so funny. If you are easily offended, please just don't watch the following two videos.




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Coffee Talk

Completely mystified by male behavior, I decided to write my faux friend about his faux pas.

Savvy September 1 at 10:51pm

Dear Friend,

Things got better for me, so if you prayed for me I do appreciate that. It's true that talking about my situation at that time would not have really helped all that much, but I talked myself into calling you and following up on it because I reassured myself that it would be OK to call because you are my friend and I appreciated your concern. However, I got a less than friendly feeling from you about it. I think I don't have a really solid grasp on the friendship dynamics between men and women at church. it seems sometimes guys are less than friendly with us ladies to make sure that we don't get the wrong idea about it being anything more than than friendship. I'm fairly certain that none of the guys at church like me as more than a friend and it seems that none of them ever will. It would be nice if they would do me the favor of at least treating me like a sister.

Savvy (Keep reading for his reply...)

--------------------------------------


Dear Savvy,
Thank you for sending me this message. I'm glad to hear you feel that things are better, and also grateful that you shared your perceptions about my response.

Yes, I blew it. It wasn't from me trying to send you some kind of signal, but rather that I have been too busy and haven't been getting back to people (including you) like I should. I apologize - will you please forgive me? As far as the "less than friendly feeling," you were probably picking up on my internal questioning whether I was the best person for you to meet with. I was raised in a very conservative home where it was emphasized that in most situations if people are going through difficulties, it's probably best for them to seek out someone of the same gender to talk/ pray with. I'm still wrestling through the balance of that idea and, like you said, the idea of treating women like sisters. So I aso apologize that my stuff got in the way and created more difficulty for you. Although yes, I have been praying for you. All that, however, is not a good reason to not respond to your call and facebook message, and I again ask for your forgiveness. It feels very sad to reach out to someone and not receive a response.

As far as whether anyone at church is or will be interested in pursuing you romantically, that's also tough; it must feel discouraging sometimes if you feel like it's impossible for the situation to be different. I am confident that it is possible. :) One book that's really helped me is Henry Cloud's "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping" - it might definitely be worth your time if you're interested! I've actually been praying for you in that respect too - I hope that God brings just the right man into the picture as soon as possible and that in the meantime both of you will grow into the persons you need to be.

Written communication is tough because it doesn't convey tone; I hope this note comes off with a tone of honoring you and caring - if not, please don't hesitate to let me know. I look forward to seeing you soon and to trying to respond more promptly next time. With best wishes from your brother,

Friend


-----------------------------



Dear Friend,

I forgive you.

I think the real miscommunication here is thinking that I was looking to you to provide spiritual guidance. That made into something bigger than it was. I was just thinking we were friends and that you were concerned for me and wanted to talk.

As far as getting a date worth keeping and other books like that, I have found them relatively useless. If I go on a date with someone and discover they aren't right at all, they are out of my life. They are usually men who wouldn't remotely treat me right. That book deals with mainly further sorting into a perfect spiritual match. I don't think that kind of perfect match exists. I'm thinking about writing my own book about dating since the Christian world has taken a very messed up turn with books like "I kissed dating goodbye". It seems like that perspective has demonized the idea of even going on a simple date to see a movie or have coffee and get to know someone--things that should be OK for friends to do also. You shouldn't have to think you're going to marry someone to have coffee with them and it seems like people do think that. So I was thinking you started to think it was a bad idea to have coffee because you didn't want to date me and I never expected that you did.

Anyway, that's just what I was thinking.

Savvy


The saga continues...


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Friday, September 10, 2010

The 5 Cs for Finding Mr. Right (When Love Ends, Part 2)

There was another part of the book I really liked. One was the idea that hard time will come whether you are single or married and having a hope-filled heart is essential no matter what. Seriously, it's true. "Just hang on, suffer well..."

I've often told people the issue is not perfection before marriage but that you need to have something to your relationship to help weather the storm. Here is the breakdown of these mysterious 5 Cs:
1. Christian (duh)
2. Communication (you have to like each other.)
3. Character (personality, integrity)
4. Chemistry (you have to be attracted to the person.)
5. Calling (are you called to marry this person. I suppose this comes down to destiny and purpose.)

Let's give a Savvy example of the above. I went on a date from online this evening. He was a perfect gentleman. He was very likeable. We had very interesting conversation. He seemed to be very nice and genuine. He seemed interested in me. All systems are go, right?

Hold on just a second.

1. He is not Christian.
4. And I wasn't attracted to him AT ALL. I'm 5'2" and I think he was about my same height. I thought I might break him as he is smaller than I am.
5. And then I thought about calling...I feel called to work on an interesting project with him, called to be a friend. But girlfriend? Marriage? I'm not feeling it.

Was I nice about it? Absolutely. But if I see him again, I will have to make it clear that it's only as friends.

At least he is not married. That's the other thing she says to make sure of.
This is why I like the book. It's not dealing with laundry lists or traits or perfection, it's dealing with reality.

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Thursday, September 9, 2010

Book Review: When Love Ends...

Oh, you know me, cynical me, the one who said that she would never read another book about dating...I broke my pledge.

The full title is: When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton is Empty: What you need to know about your new beginning by Jackie M. Johnson.

Something about this particular book changed my mind. It's not some pie-in-the-sky advice book that tells you exactly what to do to find a perfect Godly man. It's a book that deals with the realities of the other end of the dating spectrum: the breakup.

There have been few Christian books (if any) about the breakup part of the relationship. Really, it's about time. This book acknowledges what's frequently bothered me about the relationship books. This one actually says it's OK to mourn a relationship that didn't happen, a relationship that barely happened, and the usual long term relationship. Our losses, even apparently small ones to some, are important to acknowledge.

I like that this book doesn't demonize men. A dating book I read recently was titled, All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise. Another popular book is titled, He's Just Not That Into You. Another one was called Why He Didn't Call Back. (Really?? Who cares?) These attitudes remain completely unhelpful. However Jackie Johnson's advice says you still have value in God's eyes. Don't lose hope. Though, I have to say, dating in the modern world seems far more difficult than the early 60s.

This book also cuts across multiple age groups, unlike my least favorite dating book of all time, I Kissed Dating Goodbye. You may find Jackie Johnson's book helpful whether you are 16 and dealing with your first big breakup or at 46 and dealing with more breakups than you can count thinking it should be a pain you're used to. The key points are that it's OK to acknowledge the pain, forgiveness is an important step in healing your heart, and not to lose hope in the Lord.

The author also offers tips on "waiting well" without getting completely cheesy or promising you that the reward is that you will have some awesome, perfect man at the end of it. Or if you prefer more worldly words, as I often do, "Just hang on, suffer well. Sometimes it's hard, hard to tell..." Depeche Mode style.

A highly recommended read whether you're waiting well or suffering well.


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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Coffee Creamer Canon (and Cannon)

I actually quit drinking coffee. It wasn't the coffee that I really have a problem with. Well, wait. Maybe it was the coffee. I noticed that my personal odor was a bit stronger than a few years ago and it concerned me. Maybe there was some weird hormonal thing going on.

It wasn't.

I decided to stop drinking coffee to just check and see if it was that. Also, I started wondering if it was really healthy to be drinking the non-dairy flavored creamers that I came to love. I loaded up my coffee every morning with that deliciousness. And real sugar because real sugar tastes great. I used organically grown sugar, of course.

I became convinced that I should stop drinking coffee creamer when I saw proof that coffee creamer is a wonderful propellant. It has sulfur phosphate in it. It can't be good for you...



In any case, the odor I was concerned about is now gone. And I feel better. Does this make my friend's offer of coffee moot? I think so. A law or rule is a canon. Sometimes when someone doesn't make a real offer, it goes up in flames, no?

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Saturday, August 28, 2010

Tea and Sympathy, Coffee and Pity

I've been going through a hard time, though things finally did clear up--Praise God. At one point a friend from church was very upset and we paused to pray for something a friend was going through--something to do with marital infidelity which always breaks my heart. I mean, I'm trying to be faithful to a man I haven't even met. If I had someone special in my life there is no way I would every cheat on him. In any case, after we finished praying, I began to tear up about my own situation. And a male friend seemed sad about that...I had recently offered him tickets to see a classical concert I was singing in with a choir and he had to turn the tickets down for whatever reason.

Friend: Hey, Savvy, are you OK?
Savvy: No, not really.
Friend: DO you want us to pray for you?
Savvy: Yes.
Friend: How can we pray for you? I only have a minute, though.
The girl he came with started honking the horn.
Savvy: How rude.
Friend: Let me just tell her whats going on really quickly.
Savvy: Sure.
Friend: Sorry about that, she said she's feeling trapped.
Savvy: Well let's just make it an unspoken request, but please pray for protection and for the truth to be revealed.
They prayed for me.
Friend: Do you want to go to coffee and talk about it?
Savvy: I don't know how much talking about it will actually help.
Friend: Well, I hope it gets better.
Savvy: Thanks.


Well, I have to say that I was, in part, touched by his offer to talk about it over coffee. I was, on the other hand, a bit tortured over it. I haven't been invited to coffee by anyone at church in 5 years or so and when I do get asked it's because he feels pity for me??? That's terrible. I had just been saying that I would even accept invites to coffee out of pity, literally the week before. I mean, certainly I deserve better than a date out of pity, but since no one seems to be interested in me at all, it might be nice to go out with a friend who felt sorry for me as they might treat me better than someone who wants to use me to satisfy their urges. Some emotion is better than none.

Wait, what? Yes, it sounded very pathetic. But the man was/is at the very least my friend. And because of our friendship, I set aside that it was only pity and called him to see about scheduling coffee with him.

He didn't call back.

Not for a week.

Not even as a friend.

Then I saw him at church.


Friend: So, how was Saturday?
Savvy: What was Saturday?
Friend: The concert, I'm sorry I didn't get to come hear you sing.
Savvy: It's no big deal, thanks though. I will sing at other things.
Friend: Cool.
Savvy: Hey, when did you want to go have coffee?
Friend: Um...
Savvy: Don't worry about scheduling it right now. Give me a call.



All this time I've thought that we were friends. Certainly I should say yes to going to coffee with my friend. I might not feel comfortable sharing about my situation, but perhaps we could talk about other more comfortable topics.

He didn't call.

Not all week.

Not even as a friend.

Not even out of pity.

What the hell?

I will see him again this coming Tuesday more than likely.

I'll bet now he's worried that I might get the wrong impression by going to coffee. I think I had the right impression. But I guess I didn't really. The impression I have now is that we aren't even friends after all.

What should I do? Should I say anything or not? I just don't know.

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Monday, August 23, 2010

On my own (pretending he's beside me)

I know how to do alone. The movie Emily Cross sent a link for recently is really nice for people who are just venturing out into being alone. But I'm an expert at it. Here's an insight into all the things I do alone. But, at the end of the day, I'm still alone when I would like to have a sweetheart--the sweetheart I have longed for all these years. I wonder if he's in Portland, OR because I hear so many great things about that city. I'm determined to visit when I have the chance.

Things I do alone:

Practice singing.
Practice keyboard (when I can due to my injury)
Practice guitar (when I can due to my injury)
Installed my own software.
Wiped the hard drive clean.
Flashed the BIOS.
I've gone to the movies by myself.
I've taken myself to a restaurant on numerous occasions.
I used to go dancing by myself all the time.
I've gone hiking by myself.
I've gone walking by myself.
I always go to the gum by myself.
I always go to the library alone.
I go shopping by myself.
I've gone to weddings by myself.
I go to church by myself.
I often go to parties by myself.
I go to coffee by myself.
I've gone to operas alone.
I've attended recitals by myself.
I moved to New York by myself.
I found an apartment by myself.
I lived in my apartment by myself.
I've gone to ballets by myself.
I usually go to rock concerts by myself.
And I went to Coachella by myself. Though I had a friend who was there, we each did our own thing and I found a hotel by myself late at night and stayed in it by myself.
I've driven from LA to San Francisco by myself.
I've driven cross-country by myself.
I've flown by myself.
When I lived in NYC, I spent most of my days by myself.

I write by myself, that's how you get this blog. (Thanks for reading!)

I imagine that if I were married to my sweetheart, I would still do most of these day-to-day things alone also, what would be different is that I would be his support and in return I'd have his support. And I wouldn't still feel alone at the end of the day. And maybe he'd be the one holding my hand at a concert, like I see so many other people doing. When I got to do that finally, it was with Tough, and there is something inherently not right about it. I want a sweetheart to call my own and I want him to think of me as his.



I seem to have lost someone over a recent post. Sorry for any offense, but I do need to keep it real and this business of keeping a blog is the best way I have of doing that.

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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Where he went wrong

I have an old college friend who just found me on Facebook. I had an extra ticket to see a show and he went with me. This is the guy who I always wondered what would have happened if we had ever gone out. I remember him sitting on my bed and smiling as he said a bit shyly,

Tough: When are we going to go out?
Savvy: Oh...um, I don't think we should. It's just that you're Catholic and I'm protestant. I'm not sure it would work out.


I wouldn't say I regretted it right away. In fact, I didn't think much of it at at the time. My vision was to marry a fine Christian man and our marriage and wonderful Christian marriage/family/children were going to be a witness of Christ's love...as we know, that didn't happen...

Over the years I began to wonder what would have happened if I had just let go of some of my preconceived ideas about perfect religious compatibility that my friends seemed to have found as they graduated from college and many married. Tough stopped talking to me very much after that. Maybe if he had kept at me, I would have been a bit more convinced.

It's funny, some of the things that bothered me about him might not bother me today. Having been in the military and in law enforcement, he's very interested in guns and knives. It seemed a bit scary at the time, even though we met through ROTC. Yes, I used to be kind of tough, but not tough enough.

Having Tough roll back into my life was...well, challenging. I'm still not married and I saw that his profile had married on it. And then I found out that married doesn't mean happy for him. He has an interracial marriage (he is Latino and she is African-American) and the differences have gotten in the way.

In fact when a black man asked him about his having married a "sistah" the man said, "Better you than me." (My apologies to the Sistahs, but it came from a "Brutha.") He and his wife seem to hate each other. A mutual friend of ours has mentioned to him through the years, "You know where you went wrong...You didn't get together with Savvy." Wow. That was kind of cool to hear.

It was hard not to be nostalgic for a simpler time. It was hard not to flirt a little bit. It was hard not to imagine a different life if we had been together.

But then, there was always something of a flaw that I didn't catch onto at the time, but now have caught on to.
Tough: Yeah, I chatted you up when we first met and I realized that you were sort of a Jesus freak good girl.
Savvy: Well, that sounds about right.
Tough: I always thought you were a nice girl, I just wasn't always looking for that.
Savvy: Oh, and look what you got. It makes me sad, and makes me wonder if things couldn't have been very different if I had realized that there are Catholics who love Jesus just as much, if not more, than I do.
Tough: I've done very well other than the marriage part. I've killed Muslims in Iraq and brought two Catholic children into the world.
Savvy: Oh, haha.
Tough: Did anyone ever say anything bad about me?
Savvy: Bad about you?
Tough: Well, I always wondered if someone didn't say something to you about me. I was a bit if a man-whore even back then.
Savvy: OMG. Wow? really? I had no idea.


I must have looked really sad because then he advised me to go to shooting ranges, NASCAR, and any other man-oriented events. He suggested I move to someplace in the midwest or Idaho where people have more traditional values. I have to be honest, the prospect of moving up there doesn't exactly thrill me when I would have no friends and no boyfriend. He suggested I bend a little more.

Savvy: What about Portland?
Tough: It's a bunch of hippies.
Savvy: Seattle?
Tough: Dirty hippies.
Savvy: Nooo!!
Tough: And you'll have to like smoking pot.
Savvy: Oof, no. I'm allergic to hat and cigarettes. Asthma.
Tough: I'm telling you, everyone who had half a brain from California has moved to Idaho.
Savvy: Boise? You're kidding me, right? What would I do in Boise? If I met the guy first, I might be willing to go out there, but I expect that it might be more of the same.


Perhaps to get me used to the idea or something, he told me many stories about his sordid past. How he did it, who he did it with, how often he did it, and that he hadn't been faithful to his wife and she wasn't faithful to him. It was sad.

Savvy: I feel bad. I mean, I wonder if I could have saved you from this if I had been good to you.
Tough: Well, our friend always said it's where I went wrong not going out with you.
Savvy: Um, I don't know. I was pretty resistant to the idea of premarital sex. I never did it with my ex-fiance. And I thought Catholics and Protestants shouldn't marry.
Tough: Too bad.
Savvy: If only you were single.
Tough: I will be soon.
Savvy: So, how long would you have waited in college?
Tough: To be honest, I didn't have to. Maybe two months, three max.
Savvy: Oh.
Tough: You're a nice girl. I always thought you were. You are now.
Savvy: Well, it's just that...I think you just burst my bubble. You probably would have dumped me because you thought I wasn't doing it right or something, or you wouldn't have been willing to wait. And that would have been devastating to me.
Tough: Do you know what the difference is between good sex and bad sex?
Savvy: No...
Tough: Enthusiasm.
Savvy: Oh. Well, still, I would have needed to have a ring to make me feel comfortable. Let's just say, I was very resistant.


In some ways, I'm still embarrassed by our conversation. Though, I suppose when you are married, you do need to talk about those things. All these years I've had the illusion that my life might have been better if I had been with Tough. Maybe we both would have been better. Maybe I'm too sensitive for him. I was very amused by him asking what I would like him to wear.

Maybe he's the perfect combination of domesticated and tough. Like a pit bull. I'm sure the sweet is buried in the tough. But seriously, what a life it's been. Perhaps he would have tried just a bit harder to make me feel comfortable if he had known I would end up being alone all these years. I wish.

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Credit where credit is due

Well folks, sometimes I hate that I prove people wrong, even when I prove myself right. I want to be as hopeful as they are, but I have learned over the years not to be. I only give credit where credit is due. If a person in my life doesn't deserve credit for something, it's because he didn't earn it.

Though this is a completely dissimilar story, a young woman called in to a radio show complaining about a man she was sleeping with. The radio host shushed her and said, "He's not going to marry you. Start charging him $250 for sex so at least you get something out of it." I think I would have said the same thing.

I described the situation with the man 20 years older and at least two people said something positive about it.
Sassy: That sounds like a lost opportunity. Maybe you should say something to him.

I see a Christian counselor:
Savvy: So he didn't ask for my number and left without even saying anything to me. I mean, seriously, I thought older guys were supposed to be more settled and stuff.
Counselor: Well, why don't you say something to him the next time you see him.
Savvy: Because I just think that if a guy left without saying anything to me and didn't ask for my phone number that he did that on purpose.
Counselor: You don't know that for a fact. With that attitude, you're never going to be with anyone. Beside, you said he was smiling at you. He was still connecting with you.


I took what both people said and considered it. Maybe I'm too bitter. Maybe I should be more forgiving. Maybe he doesn't have a wife or girlfriend that he was cheating on. Maybe I should give the old guy a chance.

He was not at the choir rehearsal, so I decided to email the director who forwarded it to him:

Hi there OlMan.............

Savvy has sent me this note, so, I'm Replying to her and BCC'ing you.............
you'll see her address here and can respond to her directly..........

miss you in the rehearsals!
it's a BIG gang this time...........nearly 190 singers!

hope all is well.............


In a message dated 8/7/2010 5:54:39 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time, savvysinglechristian@yahoo.com writes:

Hi again,

I've been meaning to ask if you might send OlMan X an email for me as I think I left something in his car when he gave me a ride after the Arcadia concert. At least I think that's his last name. I'm a bit fuzzy. Bass front row. Correct last name?

Savvy


It would be safe to say that I was correct in my assumption that he didn't say anything to me or ask for my phone number because he didn't want to. He didn't email me because he didn't want to. He didn't apologize because he didn't want to.

I guess there are some things you just know. Only give credit where credit is due. This guy does not deserve any credit. Though I should get some credit for catching on


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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Don't sh*t where you eat?

The way the singles pastor talks about dating makes me angry. Perpetually being asked out by jerks makes me angry. I seriously have a hard time believing that not one man at church wants to give me call, talk to me, get to know me better, and then go out. That which was once so normal at one time has become demonized.

Alright, so I complained about this dating dilemma at at round table discussion and one of the guys said, "The women need to say yes more."

In a way, what he said is fair enough. In a way it isn't because I know who he recently asked out. Most of the guys like her. She gets asked out but has very high standards. Some of the women who aren't getting asked out at all might have welcomed this guy asking her out.

The pastor then said, "Well there's this idea that you don't want to poop where you eat. This is where people come to be fed spiritually and if it doesn't work out they have this poop that's there."

People, that's just the dumbest sh*t I ever heard. I mean, seriously? That concept comes from the world of work. You don't want to mess things up where your paycheck comes from. That makes sense. You could be fired. Not dating at church is stupid. Where ELSE are we supposed to go? eharmony? Just for Lunch? Together? Big Church? Christian Cafe? Volunteering? How about PunkRockDating.com? Why is that all OK? Honestly these services aren't working out for most people. Though I've heard punk rock dating might be really awesome for me since I'm so into music.

I'm sure the pastor thinks I'm just bitter. But honestly, this is one of those cases where the church could teach a little better about dating rather than just jumping in at sexual promiscuity and marriage, neither of which are pending for myself or many of my friends. And several people who are dating someone are not dating Christians because no one from church ever asks them out.

He said that guys try to get to know us without actually getting to know us. They watch us and see how we interact with people. But haven't any of them seen enough by now? Can't they know a bit more about me if they were to actually ask for my number and ask to meet me for coffee? The way things are now has never worked out and I just assume no one is interested at all.

What I ended up praying for with a friend this evening is for people to want to experience meaningful fellowship with each other and for the walls and barriers to come down between people. That's what the real problem is. And the other very real problem is that if no one ever asks us out, where do we go? Some of us have friends who already have 4 kids by 25. They don't exactly have time to hang out.

Being married doesn't make your life "better" however. Life can be utter sh*t. When you go through sh*t the comfort is that you went through sh*t together.

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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Forward?

Two guys recently told me I'm very forward. I don't get it. I really don't. I'm friendly, I'm easy to talk to, I generally try to be good to the people I talk to.

The guy who said it most recently said:

He: Well, Savvy you're very forward.
Me: How? I don't get it? I'm really offended that you would say that.
He: It's just that maybe guys are intimidated by you.
Me: Why? I just try to be friendly and nice to people. Are you saying I shouldn't be nice to people?
He: You shouldn't ask guys out.
Me: I don't.
He: Well, that's good. Just don't ask them to coffee or anything.
Me: I don't.
(I did once and the look of shock on his face was insane. I vowed never to do that again.)
He: You should watch that move "He's just not that into you."
(Really? What a waste of time. I'm using the book as a cooling stand for my laptop.)
Guy2: Except you should stop before the end because he negates everything he says.
Whatever.
He: And makes sure you don't seem needy and desperate.
Me: Are you serious? I just told some guy off for being innappropriate. If I were needy and desperate I would have put up with his crap. I don't know why anytone would think that about me. I mean, seriously.
He: Well it's just that it scares guy off. You never know if they've got you on their radar.
Me: Listen, I've been at the same church for a year now and not one person has asked me out. Not one. So I just assume I'm not on anyone's radar.
He: Don't do that either. That's not good for your self-esteem.
Me: I don't think I have any self-esteem when it comes to nice guys. While the nice guys are trying to figure out if they should ask me out, I'm think that no one likes me and that only jerks are interested in me because those are the ones doing the asking. Maybe it's just my weight or something.
He: No, I mean look at the girl in Hairspray. She gets the guy at the end.
Me: I keep wondering where that guy is. From what I can see none of the guys at church would even give me a second glance because I'm on the lower end of attractiveness. There are so many girls who are way prettier and thinner than me. Perhaps there's just no one who's "into me."
He: Listen, maybe we can meet up and I'll give you some pointers to help you out.


Seriously? Pointers?? Yippee skippee. Just what I need. The only pointer I need is someone to point the guys in my direction. I mean maybe if he were my wingman or something. Like if there actually were one of these guys who was interested in me he could encourage them to actually ask me out. I mean, jerks have no problem asking me out because there is no stake. They want to use me, and if I say no, they just try to use someone else. No big deal, right. But the nice guy who is actually nice keeps hemming and hawing in the corner, gets to say I'm scary because I'm forward though I've done nothing but be nice and friendly, and then I end up with no one year after year after year. Oh sure, maybe a jerk for about a month who at least has the "respect" to date me 3-4 times before expecting me to sleep with him because he really doesn't like me that much. Anyone remember Astro?

My friends were very supportive and said that maybe it's just a time to enjoy hanging out with girlfriends. Except that its always time to hang out and be with girlfriends. When is it ever going to be time to hang out with my non-existent husband/boyfriend?

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Sunday, July 11, 2010

So much for older men

I suppose this is the way it goes. Two in one week. Luckily, the week is over. I learned what I've heard about older men being more settled and knowing what they want is actually a myth. I sang in a choral event this weekend in a lovely outdoor stage setting. I also ended up with bleeding blisters from walking around in shoes which had recently been resoled. Luckily, one of the guys who worked at the venue got bandaids for me and delivered me to the stage area in a golf cart. What a night! And that was before the show.


And those who hate rock's alleged seediness would really despise the scenes we gave a concert reading to. In Tosca, Scarpia sings about how happy he will be to have Tosca in his arms while her lover is on the gallows. He sings it in church with the choir singing a Te Deum mass. In Turandot, Liu kills herself so she will not reveal the name of the Princess's suitor. The Princess makes every man answer 3 riddles before she will marry him. She's had many men beheaded when they don't answer correctly. Classical music can be so naughty!

In any case, my friends came, but left before saying hi. I can't say I blame them when there were thousands of people in the audience. I was a little disappointed. As much as I looked forward to seeing them, there was a cast party with soloists, choir and orchestra. It cheered me up a little.

While enjoying some wine and cheese, I ended up meeting eyes and smiling at a man in the choir who I had never actually met. We started talking. Enjoying the conversation under the torch light, we actually sat down and talked more. I plucked a rose from a bouquet near me which ended up being bent and he got another one for me that wasn't which I though was really sweet. I wondered why guys aren't sweet like that.

And then we kept talking about somewhat deep things. We told each other things we shouldn't probably say to anyone. I drank more than I should have, but cheese and crackers just need wine. Somehow my purse and folder were picked up and taken to lost and found, but we were able to recover them.

We continued talking as I walked with him to his car, and he then took me to mine.
Savvy: I think I'm too tipsy to drive home.
OlMan: I think I can stay with you. Maybe we should get something to eat.
Savvy: Oh, I'm not sure if anything's open here. Denny's?
OlMan: No, that's OK. I just want to make sure your OK.


We continued talking. He told me about how he used to be a plastic surgeon and then just couldn't do it anymore. He told me about how he sings in choir and loves it. He's Christian and we talked about going to church. He did all the right things, made alot of money but didn't find happiness with any of it. He then studied law instead.

Savvy: So you had kids and got married and all of that stuff.
OlMan: Yes. I did everything I thought I was supposed to do.
Savvy: And you still weren't happy? Man, that's terrible.
OlMan: I just couldn't appreciate it. I'm more teachable now.
Savvy: That's good to know.
OlMan: Have you ever been married?
Savvy: No. I guess guys just don't like me like that.
OlMan: Don't sell yourself short. I think you're very pretty.


We have discussion about age and it turned out he is 20 years older than me. He doesn't look it and he's really handsome. And then we ended up telling each other lots of things that have been troubling us. We talked about music and California. The soloists were amazing. The Beach Boys and The Doors were fabulous.

Savvy: I love the Doors. I was alway so sad to find out about their involvement in drugs or about their personal lives being in shambles.
OlMan: I never knew about those things.
Savvy: You're lucky. I feel a bit dmaged by the truth. Though that's not all groups. Many are just supernice guys.
OlMan: Wow. You have such a beautiful voice.
Savvy: Oh, really? Wow. Thanks.
OlMan: It sounds like music when you talk.
Savvy: Wow.
OlMan: I'm just really enjoying listening to you. You're very lucky to have such a beautiful voice.
Savvy: Wow, so, do you want me to read you something? I can tell you a story.
OlMan: I'm really embarrassed that I said anything. I shouldn't have said anything.
Savvy: No, don't be. It made me happy.
OlMan: It's just really nice.
Savvy: Here, why don't I read you this? (I pick up a piece of paper.)
OlMan: No, don't read me that. That's a bill that I used to write directions on. But you can have it. (We both laugh.)
Savvy: Seriously I don't usually tell people these things.
OlMan: I don't usually say these things to anyone either.
Savvy: You don't seem very judgemental, so I guess I felt comfortable.
OlMan: No, I'm not. It's OK.
Savvy: Well, I think I'm OK to drive now. Thanks for waiting with me.


I felt really connected to him, and let's be honest, a little attracted. I'm not sure if it was the wine, the weather, the foliage, or the conversation. I gave him a hug and he hung on to me, breathing deeply and longingly. And then, as I pulled slowly away, he kissed me. Twice.

Savvy: Well, it was nice to finally talk to you. Imagine being in choir all this time and now we finally just met. That was a really nice surprise.
OlMan: I'll follow you for awhile to make sure you're OK.
Savvy: Thanks, that's so sweet.


And yes, he kept his eye on me the whole way home. And I started to wonder if it might be OK to go out with an older man, even though it had brought a few problems even with someone 14 years older. 20 years older is more. But love doesn't find me very easily or very often. In fact, it had been a year since I kissed someone. So when I saw him at the next day's choir performance, I made sure to say hello.

Savvy: Hey, there. I just wanted to say hi. I just got here.
He smiled but didn't get up to hug me. I thought about sitting next to him and talking to him a little bit. I imagined it would be nice to hold hands...

OlMan: Well, hi. So you got home OK? I followed you until you got off the freeway.
Savvy: Yes. Thanks so much I felt really safe.
OlMan: You're welcome.

Suddenly I felt really stupid for having gone over to say hi to him. It wasn't quite how I imagined. But then, maybe he was embarrassed about our age difference now that there were all these people around.

Savvy: Um, well. I guess I should go sit in my seat.
I was a bit troubled, but thought that we might talk after the show since we were about to start. When I sat down, he looked over and smiled at me. He did this a few times.

And then once the concert was over, we were back in our seats backstage. Our eyes met and he smiled at me. I thought he might come over and say hello or something. I turned to say goodbye to some of the girls in the soprano section. When I looked up again, he was gone.

I around the room at everyone saying their farewells. I wondered if he was in any of the groups taking pictures, or that maybe he went to the bathroom post-show. And then finally started walking out slowly hoping that maybe he was waiting by the door, or at the bottom of the stairs or something. He wasn't. And then I walked to my car wearing my sunglasses to hide that my eyes were turning a bit red from tearing up.

I hoped that at least he would have been more friendly or at least acted like a friend. Or maybe said he was sorry that he kissed me, that I'm really pretty, but he just doesn't see it. Or whatever nonsense I keep hearing. I thought he was attractive despite being much older. The way things are now, it makes me feel like he realized I just wasn't very attractive in fluorescent lighting as opposed to the torch light of the after party. I mean, I was struggling to see it, but I would have tried it out for a couple of dates at least. Perhaps there were too many secrets told, and too much honesty. I thought he would at least be good to me. I guess I was wrong. Again.

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