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Thursday, September 24, 2009

So Long, Seattle...

A new rom com, Love Actually is set in Seattle. I went to B&N and picked up a book called Table Manners thinking it would be about that. It turned out to be a novel set in Seattle. I got another nice email from Seattle, but it was missing a key element...

Hi Savvy,

Glad to hear you're recovering ok from your near-accident. I've had more than a few close calls in LA and even a few since I moved up here. Sounds like you're being patient and open to God's lead on your next career move. Hopefully an opportunity will come along that has your name on it.


No major travel in October so if you come up then I'm sure we could set up a get-together. I definitely encourage you to go on the LA retreat. I went for the first time last year and it was really great. You get to know a lot of people and they always have a phenomenal speaker. One aspect on that retreat that I'm sure you'd get a lot out of, given all the transition you've been going through, is a session with a spiritual adviser.

I've been doing okay up here. I feel like things are finally coming together, my move is done, and I'm working on getting my routine back together.

Take care,
Seattle


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Did you catch it??
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Hello Seattle,

Okay is not phenomenal or great, but getting into a routine is probably key. People do drive thoughtlessly, so you are lucky to have avoided anything.

When I was thinking of coming up to visit, I was hoping I would stay with either you or your sis getting the inside story about what's cool about Seattle. It's sort of a big trip and I'm not as brave as I once was. The other option would be trying to find someone to go with me, which may or may not work out.

I do plan to go to the retreat. I try to forget what I have been through, but I recognize it's alot--especially when someone says that. Getting hit in the head while salsa dancing was no fun and am working on my "big comeback".

Thanks for the encouragement.
Savvy

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A get-together?

No word back and its been two weeks now. Times are hard and the friend who said she would go up there may not have the funds, though I haven't asked directly. I'm sad because I had hopes that there would be something, but an offer of "a get-together" with me on my own the rest of the time was not what I had in mind--even if we are just friends. I know a guy who flew to Russia just to have a date with a girl (and be on another continent than his ex.) I can't help but wonder...average in LA might be considered gorgeous in Seattle and there might be other really nice guys up there.

I guess it's time to move on yet again. I wish it weren't. He's a really nice guy. I'm so tired of being disappointed.

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Saturday, September 19, 2009

How to Gain Weight, 10 Fun and Easy Steps

It's time to celebrate what I'm really good at!! If there's one thing I've been good at on and off throughout the years, it's been gaining weight. This is dedicated to all those people who say they try to gain weight and just can't. It's time to turn that attitude around! YES YOU CAN!!


1. Hookup with Ben & Jerry's. Make them you best friends and meet with them EVERY NIGHT. In fact, have a pint of Ben & Jerry's as a meal replacement.

2. Exercise is good for you, even when you want to gain. Studies show that people don't lose when they exercise because they feel they can eat more since they are exercising. So, go to the gym, just make sure you meet up with Ben & Jerry after.

3. Take prescription meds like Prozac. Anti-depressants and other psychotropic medications are known to cause weight gain because they stimulate appetite.

4. Drink soda, not water. Thirsty? Have a soda. Tired? Have some pop.

5. Get the large latte with heavy cream. Everyone knows that coffee drinks are loaded with hidden calories.

6. Have a muffin or a bagel with that coffee. Bagels are like 5 servings of bread. Muffins are loaded with oil--cupcakes are less fattening.

7. Super-size everything. You heard me! In fact, do this for lunch every day. Don't forget to order the regular coke!



8. Take the elevator, not the stairs. Avoid exercise when you can, even though it's OK to exercise.

9. If you don't have an injury, pretend to have one. A sprained ankle, messed up knee, out of whack shoulder. Stop doing those things which you now take for granted because of that injury, even though it isn't real. If you do have an injury, this is very easy to accomplish.

10. Remember, the most weight gain comes from eating just a little bit more than you need. If you eat 100 calories extra per day, it works out to 10 lbs at the end of the year. Just do the math:

100 calories per day
x30 days per month
x12 months in a year
--------------------
36,000 calories
/3500 calories in 1 pound of fat
--------------------
10 lbs.


Don't expect it to happen overnight. Be patient. Soon everyone will be telling you how great you look. Ready, set, GO EAT!!

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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

It's You? What the ...?

I was trying to call someone I had met about singing with his band for a guest spot. The drummer is a former classmate.

Paul: I was just returning your phone call.
Savvy: Oh, awesome. Did you listen to my message?
Paul: No, but that's OK. What's going on?
Savvy: I thought we could meet up and talk about stuff.
Paul: Sure thing.
Savvy: I'm trying to think of a place to meet, where you can bring your guitar.
Paul: If you want me to bring my guitar, then you've got the wrong guy.
Savvy: This is Paul, right?


How do I get into these situations?
Paul: Yes.
Savvy: Ummm...So how do we know each other if you aren't in the band?
Paul: I'm not sure, but let's just go out anyway.
Savvy: I don't know. Are you a nice guy?
Paul: I'm a very nice guy. I have alot to offer the right girl.
Savvy: What do you see us doing?
Paul: I just got a new car last night--a white convertible BMW. We can go for a drive on Mulholland, we can go to Santa Monica; anything you want to do.
Savvy: I'm just trying to figure out when we met.
Paul: Well, we must have exchanged phone numbers at one time so there must have been some attraction.
Savvy: Can you send me a picture of yourself? I still just don't remember you. What do you look like?
Paul: I'm about 5'10", handsome, I work out at the gym every day so I'm really muscular. How about you?
Savvy: Short, cute, green eyes, curly blond hair, more to love right now.
Paul: Sounds familiar. How about I give you a call tomorrow and we figure something out.
Savvy: OK, You'll send me a picture then.
Paul: Yes.
Savvy: What's your last name?

He told me and I ran it through my head for two days. I thought about it at stoplights. I thought about it and wondered if this was going to be something great. I wondered if I should really do this when I really wanted to be with Seattle and he hadn't left yet--but Seattle hadn't asked me for my time. Paul called me again.

Paul: I'm guessing you're in your 20s from you voice.
Savvy: Oh just so you know...I'm 40 and I weigh 400 lbs.
Paul: 30s?
Savvy: nooooo....I'm 50 and I weigh 300 lbs, but you gave me your phone number anyways.
Paul: You're really funny.
Savvy: Funny looking, too. Nothing can stop love, though.
Paul: Well, we must have found each other attractive at one time.
Savvy: Yep, so why worry. Except that I lied, I really weigh 350.


Later, like an electric shock, I gasped. It hit me who he was. The day I met him, I stuck up a conversation with him:
Savvy: Hey, I really like your shirt.
Paul: Thanks.
Savvy: Let's have a seat and talk.
Paul: Sure.
Savvy: So, tell me about yourself and that cool shirt of yours.
Paul: You seem really cool, but I'm thinking I should ask out that girl over there because she's totally hot.
Savvy: Oh, she's totally hot?
Paul: Yeah, just look at her.
Savvy: Oh, you mean Michelle who has a boyfriend?
Paul: I'll ask her anyway.
Savvy: Um, hey, excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.


I didn't go back. I tried to be gracious to him and got an earful about some other girl. I can guarantee you he didn't walk out with ANYONE'S number. But I am an eternal optimist. Maybe he was having a bad night.

He then canceled our impending date via text.

Paul: Let's reschedule. I'm wiped out.
Savvy: I drove all the way out here for you. Would coffee help?
Paul: I'm taking a nap.


Riiight. A nap on a Friday night. I hate last minute cancellations...that's how I ended up going out with Trainer at the last minute. He also tried texting and calling several times during the evening when I was out with Trainer as if would actually go out with someone who had already inconvenienced me for the evening. As if I would even pick up! I thought to cancel the whole thing, but I like to see things to fruition. I called him and we decided to meet in a town near both of us.

Savvy: I remembered who you are, by the way.
Paul: So where did we meet.
Savvy: It was a year ago.
Paul: That's a long time.
Savvy: Yep and that's all I'm going to tell you because I want it to be a surprise.
Paul: I'm on my way. I have to take a shower first.
Savvy: Ummm...OK I guess.
Paul: Oh yeah, I have a peg leg and a hook arm...and a huge stye.


I rolled my eyes, it was too late for that.
He was two hours late. It was annoying.

I wore dark sunglasses, red lipstick and a scarf to keep my hair from blowing all over the place.

Paul: I'm here. Can you peek out?
Savvy: No. You have to come all the way around.
Paul: Come on, the game is going to be up in about 60 seconds.
Savvy: Then you have to wait 60 more seconds and park.
Paul: Can you see me?
Savvy: Yes, just a second.


I walked out side with a smile. He looked at me with a flattened affect. His expression didn't change.

Paul: It's you? What the fuck?
Savvy: Wow, what a sweet thing to say.
Paul: Why didn't you just tell me it was you?
Savvy: I don't know I thought it would be a fun surprise. So are we going somewhere?
Paul: Yes, the earth is rotating on its axis and around the sun, we're going somewhere.
Savvy: I meant in the car. You talked about going on Mulhulland and showing off your new car.

I moved a banana peel that he had placed on the brand new white leather seats. What idiot does that?

Paul: Did I? We should all wear a scarf for our hair.
Savvy: I don't want it to get messed up.
Paul: What are you doing out here? Isn't it far from where you live?
Savvy: Um, well, not really. I go shopping here when I need things.
Paul: Oh.
Savvy: So have you heard anything from that girl you were seeing?
Paul: No and I hope I never do. What was I thinking? She just turned 39 and is gonna be 40 next year. What an old hag. I went out with a girl last night who is 22. She's a stripper.
Savvy: Last night huh?
Paul: Yeah. What did you do?
Savvy: I had a date.
Paul: Did you send me the same text message twice. It was exactly the same wording.
Savvy: Yes. I was busy.
Paul: It looked like the same message, exactly. Did you have fun?
Savvy: It was OK.
Paul: Do you ever talk to the other Paul?
Savvy: Well, I sorta stopped talking to him because he wanted to use my out of state phone number to get out of a contract by saying he had moved. I didn't feel comfortable.
Paul: Let me show you what happened when I call. I always get this message.
Savvy: Well he did say that he might actually move. I guess he did.


Dude, let it go.

I was out with friends and a guy I met started talking about a really nice friend of his who had his heart broken by some girl. He put me on the phone with him because that girl was there with us. We talked and exchanged numbers. He said he thought I was really nice. Then I figured out he was the guy in the red shirt. Why did I make another excuse when I remembered who he was? He wasn't having an off DAY, he is just socially off. Creepy. Someone had to step in and tell him to stop calling that 39 year old. I remember listening to him obsesses about her, hearing every gory detail about what a tease she was sleeping in her thong and how little he slept that night he stayed over.


Paul: I just feel like calling her and asking her why she changed her mind.
Savvy: Don't do it. Keep not calling her.
Paul: Keep not calling her. I like that.

It was like it was the first time he ever heard of the concept.

Returning to the present, we neared where we had left, I was ready to say goodbye.
Paul: You know you can call me anytime.
Savvy: Thanks. And have fun going out with your stripper.
Paul: I don't know, it's alot of drama with them.
Savvy: OK, then don't. See ya. Have fun with the car.
Paul: I would say that the game was a draw.
Savvy: I wouldn't.



I think I am like an Edward Gory Gashlycrumb Tiny.

Find me along with
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
S is for Savvy who went out with a rake..um, OK, not deadly.
Just very uncomfortable.

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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Why He Didn't Call You Back

What are the chances of a phone call after a first date? I told a guy friend that we can never expect the same feelings about people as in our early twenties when we were so open to the world and everything in it. We were unencumbered, relatively unsophisticated, hopeful and had a great deal more time for hanging out with friends--especially if we were in school full time bankrolled by our parents. From my perspective guys seem disappointed by not having those feelings and that's part of:

Why He Didn't Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date by Rachel Greenwald (a matchmaker):

The New Dating World
So how easy is it to have a successful first date? Unfortunately, it's not easy at all. During the past ten years, I've observed a shocking trend from my vantage point in the dating business: there are more failed first dates than ever before. If the upsurge in the dating industry is any proof, people are going on more and more first dates. But these connections aren't working because the number of single people is at an all-time high. It's important to understand this current landscape, especially if you're newly single after a long relationship. The new dating world reflects three major challenges: the fallout from online dating, more sophisticated singles, and easier-to-obtain sex.

The question for most singles is no longer if they are dating online, but how many sites they are using. Singles typically have dating profiles on two or three sites now. And they're open for romantic connections through their social networking sites too( e.g., facebook, MySpace...even blogs.)

Dating from a blog?? Lordy no! I don't even have a real picture of me.

This does not address the other issues at had.
1. You didn't want him to call because you didn't like him.
2. You didn't return his phone call.
3. You didn't mind either way if he called and certainly not enough to pick up the phone yourself.

In any case, just tell people when they ask... It's not me it's you. And you, and you, and you, and you, and you...


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Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Sexy Table Manners

Is it just me being picky or do people have really horrible table manners these days? Sometimes I have looked across at a person when they did things and said to myself, You have GOT to be kidding me!!! Why would someone choose to have such obviously horrible table manners when good table manners are sooooo sexy!!

Recently, I watched a 5 year old pulled cheese off of his pizza. He toyed with his long string, rolling it around his little fingers while he chewed away merrily. I was laughing as his mom said, Stop that. Don't play with your food. But she was amused too. He's knitting cheese, I said. Keep in mind that cute at 5 is not cute at 35.

I sat across from a guy who slurped his spaghetti, had grime under his nails and was thinking that I was super into him. What?? Must be something about an extra rush of oxygen to his brain from the slurping. Not cute!!



A college roommate who invited me out to dinner with her boyfriend--just the three of us! She didn't like him that much and I felt embarrassed that she used me as a shield. I was even more embarrassed as I watched her cut up her steak. She held part of it with her hand, tugging as she sawed away with her knife. Then she ate it with her fingers. Gross. Why was this guy still dating her?

I was faced with dodging a goodnight kiss after a date with a guy. It was easier to tell him that I was never really attracted to him than to tell him the complete truth. Yes, I wasn't attracted to him anymore, but it was a matter of degrees. Was it the curve in his back, telling me too much information and his penchant for complaining? Nay! The veritable straw had already broken the camel's back at dinner, everything else was dessert when too full with far too much icing made with rancid butter. He used his hands to eat when he could have used a fork. He shifted chunks of meat around in his taco salad with his whole hand. There were two good points: The date ended and at least he knew how to use a napkin.

I have had the pleasure of being seated across from a few guys who didn't realize that there is a proper way to hold a fork or a spoon. You hold it like a pencil--not a baseball bat! It was like eating with a 5 year old. I don't expect a small child to be able to eat properly because their motor skills are still developing, but I do expect that much from a grown man or woman!

This behavior should come with a warning label--don't do this at home or you might do this in a restaurant in front of someone you really like. A guy I dated actually thinks I don't want to date him anymore because he's an atheist and I am Christian. Um, well, that's part of it, but the other part is that he has rotten table manners. My cousin, finally couldn't take it anymore with one guy she had been dating for a year. She said, I can push, push, push with my knife, knife, knife. She finally push, push, pushed him out of her life, life, life and found someone who treats her like a queen and has good table manners.

I thought I could forgive some bad habits when I went out with a guy who I was really attracted to. I mean, we were eating finger food on our first date. He licked his fingers. Middle finger, index finger, thumb. He only did it once. I tried really hard to ignore it when we had sushi on our second date. Middle finger, index finger, thumb. Then I noticed he REALLY looked at each finger as he did this because he did it twice. But, gosh we had such intense chemistry! Surely I could work with this. Someday I would tell him. He didn't do it the next time I ate with him. That was good. But then when he had a burger and fries...yep, you guessed it. He looked intensely at his hand. Middle finger, index finger, thumb. Lick, lick, lick. Gross, gross, gross!! Get a napkin! Colin Cowie did a social experiment on some people and licked his fingers at dinner. The whole table assumed that if Colin Cowie did it that it must be OK, and soon they were all doing it. He later said, It is never OK to lick your fingers at the table. Maybe it's a slight dose of obsessive-compulsive disorder with that guy. We broke up for other reasons, but I'm glad I don't have to deal with his bad table manners. That's for mommy to teach, not a girlfriend.

Let's review--
A human licking fingers at the table? Not cute.
A gecko licking his fingers at the table? That's very cute.


As far as I'm concerned, I shouldn't have to sign up for a lifetime of watching some guy chew with his mouth open. Yep, I've seen that, too! Unfortunately, I was on a date! It was combined with slurping, putting his elbows on the table and licking his fingers. I was so horrified that I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I was lightly banging my head against the bathroom stall asking myself and God, How do I get home without holding his hand or kissing him?

I shouldn't have to watch someone lick their fingers, eat with their hands when it's not finger food, slurp spaghetti, talk with a mouth full of food, cut food up into tiny pieces like a mommy does for her 5 year old, etc. I shouldn't have to say anything to anyone, either. People don't do that on TV because it looks gross! So please don't do it in real life!

Mothers--Please teach your children good table manners so someone doesn't sit across from your kid someday and think Are you freaking serious??? I told that to the lady with the 5 year old. She started laughing again!!

I've written about some of these guys before. I'm so embarrassed for them that I've even left out their online psydonyms!!! I'm sure men have experienced equal horrors at the table with women. I would love to hear about it.