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Monday, June 29, 2009

Looking for A New Church As A Single

An old friend from high school wants me to go to church with her. She's on her second marriage. That's fine--it's just that I can't seem to even get married once. She said, "I just know you will like my church."

I'm sure I will...I'm sure that it totally turned her life around. I'm sure it's scripturally sound and does all the things it is supposed to be doing. I'm sure the fellowship is great. But I'm not sure it will be for me.

Will it be the kind of church where singles are welcome?
Will it be the kind of church where I might meet someone?
Will it be the kind of church where I will be happy going if I never meet anyone?

I don't know. Because at this point I'm trying to create a life that I never envisioned in a way that I never expected. I'm trying to be brave, but it's a life by myself. A life where I just work and have friends. It's just not anything I knew--or any of us knew. When we were growing up, most people were married. I never expected that it would be happy all the time, but I certainly didn't expect to be alone all the time. How do I make my happiness for myself? People told me it was sad when I said I was going to have to learn to be my own husband. But that was years ago and there still hasn't been anyone--at least not for more than a month. (end)

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Dating--The Elephant in the Room

It's rare that a church would be brave to talk about dating. Bel Air Presbyterian Church (PC USA) in Los Angeles has been doing just that. It's difficult to find a meaningful place for singles when most churches try to sweep us under the carpet of "community". One church even told me that "single people are just a part of the fellowship like everyone else." Ummm, right. The only valid conclusion is, There is no normal when it comes to dating. Our expectations are often too high. And I'm not sure anyone is truly clear on whether or not men and women can be friends.

You can watch video of the opening talk here: www.foundryla.com

After that, the men and women split into groups. We're adults, so I'm not really sure why this has to happen when there wouldn't be a single question that either side would ask that we haven't heard before. Call me cynical. Besides, I want to know what they were talking about.

I found out later that some of the guys asked actual practical questions.
When girls start talking about their problems, do they want us to solve them?
Why are girls always mad at us?

Meanwhile, the girls decided that they can't be friends with men because you can't keep those friendships? What? It depends. Guyfriends aren't like girlfriends--that would be a mistake. But guyfriends can help you with things that girlfriends can't. Some of the girls have decided that it's not even worth the time to even talk to the guys because they have an adversarial view of relationships. And one girl asked if she should play hard-to-get. Another asked how much the idea that "he's just not that into you" applies if they guy is interested but too shy to approach. Sorry ladies, but interested and asking you out are two different things. This kind of worship from afar is not a date, relationship, engagement or wedding. In fact, it may never result in anything. Girls were a little upset with guys who aren't ready because they go to all of the girls for different things and fear that the guy will never be ready because he is getting all of his needs met by being friends with all of the girls. Quite frankly if a guy is doing that, then he just isn't ready.

They told us not to expect a guy to pray with us early on, not to tell them our hopes and dreams because it's too much pressure. My last attempt at a Christian boyfriend (Astro) involved none of these elements.

I found some of the "advice" distressing. One of the girls asked if it was OK to date a non-Christian. One of the "advisors" said basically it was just a date and that there might be something to learn from the experience. Ummm, where did that come from? In my experience it often leads to being propositioned in some way--not always, but often.

Most likely the best thing this group the church is doing is saying that it's OK to go on a date. It doesn't have to lead to anything. They will also be hosting a coffee hour before the service and are encouraging people to attend. One girl was advised to keep coming to their activities and that love might result naturally from that. But what if she did all of those things, what if she HAS done all of those things and no one came along? There were enough single people there that it clearly hasn't worked very well for most of them.

On a personal level, I thought this was more helpful for someone in their early twenties or college. But I have been single for a bit longer. I don't mind being platonic friends with a guy. I'm not attracted to every guy out there and I know not to expect very much from a cup of coffee. I want to have guy friends because it will make me feel better to have them and to be treated with respect by them. Dinner, shopping, long phone conversations--those are for girlfriends. But guy friends can be great in their own way.

There is also a misconception that in older times there was no element of choice in marriage. In bible times, maybe not. But in the 1700s, 1800s and early 1900s part of society involved families knowing each other, organizing social events and making sure that their children met and mixed. They helped things along. They hired matchmakers to find similar people if the field was limited. Now we're all lost because we're looking for a "feeling" This last part sounds not so unfamiliar. Nowadays matchmaking companies and internet dating sites are sprouting like weeds. Some of the non-Christian dating services like It's Just Lunch promise us that they have just the man for us to get our money.

Here's hoping that the church in general will catch on and do something more.

This might really help:
Biblical Ways of Knowing She's the One

A Ring By Next Spring (Someone at church tells me how I will be married in 6 months if I just read a magic Christian book.)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Confessions of A Serial Dater

This post is a part of 20SB’s Looking Back Blog Carnival, and Ben & Jerry’s is awarding free ice cream to lucky bloggers and readers!

An entertaining romp through my dating life. It was published, but I can't say where because that would give me away. ;)

It started innocently...

I thought I would put an ad online to start meeting Christian guys in Manhattan with whom I had more in common. I was tired of getting hit on…the offers I got were not—to say the least—holy. Meanwhile, the guys at church did not seem to notice me in the dating way. I had met my last serious boyfriend online and had a relationship for almost a year, and a woman from my small group met, fell in love with and married a really great guy from online. I just knew I was next! I was just a personal ad away from Godly true love!

Guy #1 was “slender”, Episcopalian, and spoke Spanish. Try a few extra pounds, and barely being able to pronounce menu items at SeƱor Swanky’s. And like the Senor Swanky he was, he never removed his sunglasses. As we sat on a bench in Central Park, he revealed that he hated New York and women who wear pointy shoes. I had just moved there to pursue my dream of singing opera, was working for a New York charity and secretly wore pointy shoes.

Guy #2 from online was “a few extra pounds”, “thrifty”, a teacher at a Catholic school and Christian Scientist. Despite wrinkled clothes, orthopedic shoes, being the heaviest guy I ever went out with and his having to run to the bathroom to throw up, I gave him a chance. He gave me a sideways glance when he paid for dinner. We toured the new Mormon temple with its rooms that used to be racquetball courts in New York before it was blessed and closed to the public. (Free.) Later, at a 2 drink minimum show he said, “As a liberated woman, I wouldn’t deny you the pleasure of buying me a drink.” (Free.) He also lived with his mother, borrowed his sister’s cellphone and had never had a girlfriend at 27. (Priceless.)

Guy #3 was “athletic”, so I was intimidated. He was a deacon at his Lutheran church and a lawyer who spoke Spanish and Italian. He had gained 80 pounds and 10 years since the picture and started breathing harder as we walked up a hill in Central Park. We spent the day at the Met. Dinner was Italian with bad menu pronunciation. He later accused me of trying to kiss him in Penn Station at the end of our date. He is 6’2” and built like a truck, I’m 5’2” and had turned my cheek really hard, “Sorry, I don’t kiss on the first date.”

Guy #4…Had been in a Christian band. I knew we weren’t a match over Mexican, but it was too late for him to take someone else to see Van Halen. So I went. At the end of the concert he yelled at the coat check staff because he couldn’t find the claim ticket to pick up his backpack (it was in his hand). I mouthed to the staff “I’m sorry, First Date. Never again”. One of them mouthed, “Oh, God!” I barely spoke on the bus ride back to NYC. When I reached in my bag for my metrocard, I realized I still had his Van Halen souvenir hat that he asked me to hold. Oops! He called. I didn’t want to meet for lunch. I just wanted to mail it back only I couldn’t make it to the post office. He started calling daily and leaving nasty messages. He sent an email saying, “I know where you live, and if you don’t send it to me, I will take you to court.” Yikes! Finally, I just stuffed it in the mailbox with no postage so he could pick it up and pay for postage himself. Did I mention that he still lived with his mother at 42?

I fell into a rabbit hole chasing after love. Everything started to blur. Single, divorced, separated, never-separated from their mothers, white, latino, lawyer, teacher, professor, doctor, computer programmer, never-divorced, never-single, widowed-but-never-married, Lutheran, Christian Scientist, Episcoplian, Forgottoaskian, MBA, CFO, CPA--SOS!!!!

There were some I never met--the Catholic English professor who sent me a picture of himself wearing sunglasses and still lived with his parents at 38. I wondered if he was blind.

The divorced Christian actor and former youth pastor, heavily involved in his church, who asked me if I was a virgin during our first conversation.

The Christian NYU professor of music who just happened to be a cross-dresser. (I imagined showing up to a date where he wore the same dress, looked better in it and it was 1 size smaller.) I like men who wear man clothes. Maybe there were 28 other eharmony ways we were compatible?

The amazing writer who stuttered uncontrollably.

The man who demanded to know how many guys I was dating during our first conversation.

The Christian nurse, father of two and member of the local Audubon society who asked me what my favorite bird was. “Geese. When I lived in South Carolina migrating geese woke me up in the morning as they dove into a lake behind my apartment.” He asked, “You mean the geese that poop all over my kids’ playground so that they can’t use the swingset? They’re pests. I hate them” Uh…oops. He never called again.

Out of the ones I met, a Messianic Jewish CPA gave me a pocket Bible at the beginning of our date. Not flowers, but promising. Over Brazilian he told me I was very pretty, confessed that he wasn’t really divorced, said he never really felt married and asked, “So, what kind of pajamas do you wear?” Winner.

I decided these bad dates must be related to something in Manhattan water, or maybe just the online scene. I had to move, but before that I met…

“Bookstore guy”—a Columbia grad, looking to start a business. He took me to MOMA…I should have known! Art and dating are a bad combination. He was raised Christian, but not sure what he was anymore. Still, after Thai and a walk in Central Park we kissed while sitting on a park bench. This terrible kisser confessed to never having a girlfriend at 29. So, that’s why I found him in the self-help section! Never again! When he picked up on me I was looking to pick up a book that discussed how to end a date gracefully.

I met a guy through friends in Central Park on Easter Sunday…romantic! He showed promise…but going to the Met on the first date is just a bad sign. His quotable quote, “All guys go to strip clubs.” Those are the sweet things a girl longs to hear after a day the museum. Ew! I wish I could say I dumped him right away…I missionary dated, but he refused to go to church.

I met an opera friend for lunch—right after having a cavity filled. Every sip felt hot on one side and cold on the other, every word was slurred. This man of the world wears lifts in cowboy boots to stand 5’5” and has the looks to match the murderous men he portrays in operas. He wanted to help me stay in NYC and develop my singing career— if I would be his girlfriend and listen to his advice like, “I don’t want you to gain any more weight.” I told him I didn’t believe in premarital sex and wanted to get married and have kids NOW. He cautioned me to think about our careers and invited me for drinks back at his place. Of course he was a perfect gentleman and wouldn't so much as touch me. He begged me not to leave him eating alone, but I promised to meet with him the next day as he asked, kissed him on the cheek, walked calmly out of the restaurant, then ran three blocks. I didn’t answer his phone calls over the next few days.

A few hours later, I met my second date for the day—not that I knew the first was a date before I got there—a Messianic Jewish music professor from online who also tried to convince me to stay in New York and looked too much like my Russian Jewish uncle. My tongue was still 25% out, my mind on running away from the last date. We had a lot in common, but at 47, 5’4”, never married, he wasn’t sure what love felt like and that wasn’t enough reason for me to stay.

Within a month of my return to California, I had a record 5 dates in two weeks. My friends in New York couldn’t wait to hear the results! 1 was from online, 2 from a coffee place, and 2 from conventions. They all seemed nice, but, guys, here are some things NOT to say on a first date:

One apologized for being so tired. His ex-wife had threatened to commit suicide if he didn’t come back. He was at the hospital waiting with their children while she had her stomach pumped and drank activated charcoal. The good news: he really is divorced and attended church.

Two planned to attend seminary to pastor his own church, and proud to be a virgin at 30. He also had a penchant for discussing sexually explicit things. “I can’t believe my best friend said that in front of my sister.” I made the mistake of asking, “What’s that?” Never mind his sister, what about me?

Three, a social worker, had just quit going to his church because he had a problem with authority, and confessed to a troubled relationship with his ex-girlfriend because he didn’t show enough emotion. He said he really didn’t like happy people. I know misery loves company, but this company didn’t want to be miserable.

Four, a Jewish CPA, took me to a wonderful restaurant in Pasadena and gave me a new pair of designer athletic shoes. He seemed great, what could have gone wrong? “My ex-wife is a b----.” Oh. He also bragged about gambling and having enough money to use valet parking. 3 strikes on the fruit of the spirit. He enumerated a list of Christian girls who broke up with him or told him they could date “just for fun” because they envisioned a husband that would attend church. I said, “I have to admit I go to church more Sundays than not.”

Five. After several really great phone conversations, I met this newspaper editor over Mexican. He had been raised a Christian, but wasn’t that interested in going to church after all. His “ex” was in Biloxi dealing with Katrina. He was due to move out as soon as she got back. The children were at a friend’s that night… If I were the type who would go to a man’s apartment on the first date, he’d already answered, “So, why are the wedding pictures still up?” DivorcED, yeah right. DivorcING, maybe.

The next month I had two more dates:

Six. I was living with my parents after moving back from Manhattan, so I gave a hospital administrator who lived with his mother a chance. “A few extra pounds” turned out to be 300lbs. This Weight Watchers member had the nerve to ask me, “So, have you always struggled with your weight?” He called his ex-girlfriend a name, recounted a long list of bad online dates, and mentioned that his father had been abusive but he and his mother were better off when he left. Hello Oedipus! Via email, he accused me of using men as a meal ticket. But $25 for a 4.5 hour date works out to less than minimum wage. This “very, very spiritual” but not religious man also called me an Oompa Loompa and criticized how much I ate. His true spiritual gift was for insults, surely inherited from his abusive father. He’s still convinced he was a “perfect gentleman.” I sent a faux reply saying his message had not been delivered.

Seven. was an Armenian Orthodox Christian who was a graduate of UCLA, starting his own jewelry store, loved Classical music, opera and played piano. I sing opera. Nice. With a cigarette in his hand, he said he would never marry a non-Armenian older woman. “Hey, at least I’m being up front with you.” When he snuck a smooch, I thought, “This is why I don’t date smokers.” After the last guy, I was flattered, but there was much brushing, flossing and mouthwash when I got home. Being a few years older and a non-Armenian I ignored his phone calls though he left messages saying how much he enjoyed meeting me.

I removed my online profile. I’m still learning the art of ending a date gracefully—just when I think I have it figured out, something new comes up.

Despite all of this I helped plan a Valentine’s dinner for a Christian dating service. And yes, some nice, criminally-background-checked Christian guys who don’t live with their mothers showed up. I’ve been out with one of them and have plans to go out with another. Things are looking up.

(Except that one turned out to live with his aunt and uncle and told me that we shouldn't date because he couldn't see marrying me. The other turned out to be twice divorced with three children from the two marriages…these frogs could be someone else’s prince, so I threw them back into the pond. Who needs a prince? I’d be happy with nice duke…Marquis? Earl? Count? Viscount? Baron? Lord? Knight? Squire??)

Through it all, I keep my chin up and my head bowed in prayer. I have learned what I find acceptable and unacceptable. I make sure I don’t give out too much personal information to my prospective dates and always meet in safe, public places. I have learned to really listen to what men say as a sort of self-interested private detective. (And 2 years later, I'm doing the same things. YIKES!)


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Dude, I Hate Your Mom

Swing is moving. He will really be going back home to live in his parents' basement and be a rogue game programmer. Moving is usually the end of a friendship--especially when one of the parties is moving to Nebraska. It's kind of OK since I've been feeling like we only became friends because I forced the issue. Swing is really hard to get to know. I've met lots of friends' parents, but Swing's Mom is one I will never forget.

Savvy: Dude, I think your mom totally hates me.
Swing: What makes you say that?
Savvy: Oh, gee, maybe it was when I said that I sprained my ankle and she said she always looks down to make sure she doesn't trip on anything because she sprained her ankle. And then she razzed me for about an hour about all the things I should try to do to meet someone and talked about how she met your dad when she least expected it--in college at some beer drinking party. If course it happens when you least expect it in college.
Swing: Well...
Savvy: I guess it doesn't really matter since we aren't dating.
Silence.
Savvy: She told me to try wearing a burqua. Dude, what's up with that?
Silence.
Savvy: Um, so did you get everything done?


I really hope that isn't the last time I see Swing, but now that I'm off all of the meds I was taking, I think I will manage OK. There was always a barrier there. Maybe it's called being a grownup. Friendships as an adult are different than those you had in undergrad--before divorce, before you lose your first real job...before alot of things. I could see that there were issues. Then again, if I WERE dating Swing, she wouldn't have said those things because I would have been dating him. She would just hate me to herself and tell him later. And yet, Swing is his own worst enemy when it comes to dating. Every time he likes someone, he comes up with reasons why it would never work. Then he complains, You're doing way better than I am. At least you have guys interested in you and asking you out. Um kind of. I guess. He has some real health issues he needs to deal with. He is diabetic and takes horse pills for it. When I was last over there and we sat on a bench talking, the mosquitoes found his blood sugar quite tasty. They didn't touch me--perhaps they were male mosquitoes. (I can't even get a date with a male mosquito? Not even a nibble? What's up with that?) I'd hate to see him get West Nile on top of everything else. I wonder what the future will bring for him. Moving back home is not all it's cracked up to be--especially when talking to potential dates.

Swing's Mom was the inspiration for Advice-be-gone.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

What Goes Up Must Come Down

I was out with a Meetup group--that means that it's a group of people all of whom will see each other again at one event or another. This one was a bar. Some people were drinking, some people were dancing and some people were talking and flirting.

I ended up in a conversation with a friend and a man I found very interesting...it turned out he was a health practitioner. He was Dutch like one of my long-term boyfriends and I asked for a consultation as he was leaving...

Quacky: So what's the problem?
Savvy: It's my heart.
Quacky: What about your heart.
Savvy: It's broken.
Quacky: How many pieces?
Savvy: 17.
Quacky: Really? 17 is my lucky number.
Savvy: Really?

He gave me his card, asked me to email him, smiled and then touched my cheek. I hoped he thought I was cute, sweet and funny. Charming.



--------------------------------------------

Hello Quacky,

It was nice meeting you on Friday. I'm so glad my dinner got
canceled or I wouldn't have made it. I checked out your
website. Very interesting stuff. I decided not to send a
personal email to your business address because I wouldn't want
your secretary to know that I was flirting with you--or that
you were in a bar with those Euro Friends on Friday night!!

I didn't see anything about healing broken hearts--maybe that
is a private treatment plan?

Hope to hear from you soon,
Savvy

--------------------------------------------

Hi Savvy,
Thanks for your email and thank you for respecting my privacy.
I wouldn't know when to take care of your broken heart. I am a
pretty busy guy and I hardly have any time left for social
activities.

I liked meeting you last Friday and I also like fantasies a
lot, but as I said, I wouldn't know how to organize myself so
that I could do a healing on you.

Be well,
Quacky

--------------------------------------------

What a shame. I would have just left it at see you around, but
you told me to email you. I debated if I even should since you
didn't ask for my information. My friends have been telling me
I should be a little bolder, but what I do best is cute, sweet
and funny--maybe slightly flirtatious.

Savvy


---------------------------------------------

I had hope. I thought positively. He seemed to like me. I was attracted to him. Some of my friends thought I was so clever in the way I expressed my interest. They found it so charming. Yet, it still fell flat. Is love just not my thing? I wish someone would tell me if I will ever have a boyfriend again or get married. If I knew, I would never be with anyone, I could just stop thinking about it--or at least try to--or have a surgery to have my interest and hope to have a relationship removed. I hate to tell you, but anti-depressants didn't completely remove the desire. Is there some kind of lobotomy that would do this? I used to think it was a given that I would be married.

I didn't work the bar for phone numbers or even walk up to any men I didn't know. He came to where we were sitting to get his things before he left and started talking to us. At least I know he's not interested. I allowed myself to believe for a day or so that I could have a relationship. I imagined things I haven't done with anyone in years--going to a special restaurant, walking on the beach and holding hands, spending the day together, talking about things we liked or didn't like. It was nice.

Another guy who I had talked to at a house party gave me his card. I don't even entertain the idea that he would be interested in me even though he said we should hang out sometime before the next event.

I watched Oprah and Dr. Oz recommends that you double the amount of sex you had last year. Ummm... let's see... 2x0=0 That was easy.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Positive Thinking

It bothers me when people just chime, "Think positively." That doesn't even mean anything. It really doesn't. You can pray and you can hope, but don't just "Think positively." When I took my teaching job, I thought I was going to have an award winning choir and win festivals and competitions. I thought they would like me--no love me. I certainly didn't think I'd be out on work comp disability because I had to have shoulder surgery, unable to play piano and looking at different career options. At this point, Swing usually sighs heavily. He's way more mired than I am. In fact he's moving back home to be a rogue game programmer in his parents' basement. I'm trying to find the balance between positive thinking and realistic thinking. I'm, at least, over the idea that I should stay home and just be agoraphobic because so many things have gone wrong. Not that I ever believed that was a real option.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Loser Get Lost

You don't say this to every guy, but let's just face it, some guys are just not offering what you are looking for. Most of my readers are single and hope to meet someone who is in the right place for a relationship and will treat them well--true of both male and female. But if the shoe fits...either drop it or wear it, but it's yours. I met someone who would be a loser for me this weekend. It was on either day 3, 4 or 5 of me not caring. I'm still not really sure, but I should get a token like they do for sobriety.

The man: 51, single again.
Savvy: Indeterminate age because it's rude to ask a lady her age, never married.

I'm going to start practicing my new phrase.

Loser: Have you ever been married?
Savvy: No.
Loser: Do you have kids?
Savvy: No.
Loser: Do you want to have kids?
Savvy: Do you want to buy me a cup of coffee first? Loser get lost.
Loser: How old are you?
Savvy: Haven't you got any respect? Loser get lost.
Loser: I'm almost embarrassed to tell you that I last had sex with my ex-wife 9 months ago. When was the last time you had sex?
Savvy: None of your business. Loser get lost.
Loser: Do you want to come back to my place a drink?
Savvy: That's for later dates, in fact I watch lots of those police shows on TV so I always think of how the police report would read. (IN CAPS BECAUSE POLICE ONLY WRITE IN CAPS) THE VICTIM, BARELY KNOWING THE SUSPECT, WENT TO HIS HOUSE FOR A DRINK. WHILE THERE... In other words, NO WAY! LOSER GET LOST!!


Loser get lost for men:
Glddgr: So, what kind of car do you drive?
Man: Infinity G.
Glddgr: Have you been married before?
Man: No.
Glddgr: Do you want to get married?
Man: To the right person.
Glddgr: Do you want to have kids?
Man: With the right person--loser get lost!
Glddgr: How much money do you make?
Man: That's for my girlfriend to know. Loser get lost.
Glddgr: Want to go back to my place?
Man: Whatever for? So you can show up in ten years when I've made a fortune and claim child support for that one night stand? I don't think so. Loser get lost!


Just so you know, that is based on a true story. So, use your words.

I did one better with the original Loser I spoke to. He was sitting with me and some friends from a group I hang out with sometimes. They are all single and in their 30s.
Savvy: I can't believe I was concerned about going back to your house for a drink. I mean, you told me about all of your roommates and that your son lives with you.
Loser: (not making eye contact) I was just worried about you driving all that way home by yourself. I was going to make you a cup of coffee and then have another beer at home.

My friends and I said a communal "yeah reiiiiiight" talking about it while he was in the bathroom. He then went on to tell us about hw he almost got a DUI and how much he had been drinking. He said he never wanted to get married again--after 2 divorces and two kids, one with each. While he was outside having a smoke, Bill said, After all of that, he smokes!?

I'm with you on that. Loser get lost!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Heelstraps For Fashion Shoes!!

I wish I had invented these, so I am definitely spreading the word. As you know, I have ISSUES, but also isSHOES. I love shoes. The only thing that has stopped me from wearing slip-ons and mules is that they slip off. No any more!! They come in clear and a wide variety of colors. Looks like I will be keeping those little shoes I bought after all. Here is a link so you can check it out. www.Heelstraps.com They even have videos showing how they work and how to wear them.

Monday, June 15, 2009

A Special Wedding

Many years ago when I was engaged, I had a very special friend. After quite some time of prayer, fasting, seeking signs and exploration; she felt that she was called to a life of consecrated service to the Lord. I remember being so surprised when she said she didn't think marriage and family was for her and that she wanted to become a nun. She saw a sign for her when she saw a white dove, the symbol for St. Teresa who established the Carmelite order. The white dove is depicted on the invitation. A mass will be given in honor of that event. I cried tears of joy for her because this is what she truly wanted for her life. Please click "read more" below to see the invitation.








A true calling of consecrated service to the Lord should be celebrated--no matter what your religious background. Please note that this looks EXACTLY like a wedding invitation. The additional card looks EXACTLY like a registry card.

Amen
-----------------------------------
PS I also have some really funny memories of her:
1. making her lie on the floor for warmups as part of her singing lessons. She was my first volunteer student and willingly did everything I asked.
2. Having fun singing along with the radio to Disco Saturday Night. We looooved disco.
3. Staying the night at her place and being awakened at 3:33 am to pray because that's the time when the devil is most active. Seriously, the devil is active all the time.
4. Going to a bridal shower/girls night out. There was a stripper and we prayed for forgiveness for our lustful thoughts in the parking lot before driving home.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

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Day 3 or 4 of Being Above It All--Not Sure

I'm done with dating. See, it doesn't really matter if it's day 3 or day 4, because I'm above it all and I'm going to stay there. I'm so over it all. I feel liberated. It could be something medical. It's not some stupid "I kissed dating Goodbye" thing, it's above that. It's better. It's true, practical wisdom.

It's calling things as they actually are. A man who cares about a woman wants to protect her. This is true of their friends, not just their girlfriends. If a man doesn't want to protect you or seems only to be looking out for himself, he is. You don't need a book to figure it out.

A man who cares about you doesn't call you when he's
a. catching up on things
b. in the middle of making a few phone calls.
c. say he'll call you and then forgets.
d. say he's big texter.
e. cancel a date via text.
f. Say he has to unpack when he is a MAN who was only gone for a DAY when you have a Mercedes C300.

How can I possibly care under these circumstances?
How can you?
Nope, haven't heard from the Netbook Guy.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

English is TOUGH STUFF!!

Try reading this and see how you do!! English is tough stuff. It's really no wonder that Johnny can't read!!! It was really funny when Ricky Ricardo (Desi Arnaz) tried to read little Ricky a bedtime story. If you ever see that old episode, it's hysterical.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.


Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

English is Though Stuff

Friday, June 12, 2009

Rough Switch to Digital TV

Even I'm thinking it's not so great. We switched from film to video and it was tolerable, though some things were lost. And now that we have been working with it well, wouldn't you know it? There's another change. It's not like the switch from analog to digital with cell phones. That was easy because everyone signs up for a new plan and gets a new phone when the contract is up. And the new phones are always much better. But TVs? They were built to last for years.

I have to be honest, my old TV is a little better in terms of sound that my new flat panel TV. But I love that I can place that TV anywhere. Some of the channels look like someone is filming with a cell phone camera. Yes, Universal Sports was really THAT bad when they broadcast their coverage of the LA Marathon. Will it improve later today? I'm nervous.

Buh-Bye Netbook Guy

I make no apologies to the insincere. I just couldn't take it anymore. Let's review why I just don't/can't/shouldn't/couldn't care:
1. He canceled a date VIA TEXT.
2. His phone calls have been respectively for 12, 7 and 5 minutes.
3. He always called me when he was 'catching up on phone calls'.
4. I couldn't even understand his last name from his answering machine.
5. I am renting a Mercedes C300 and he would rather unpack than spend time with me driving the car. That was the tipping point that made me decide he most likely has either a wife or a girlfriend at home.

So I left him a message...

Hey there, I hate to leave a message about this, but I can't reach you and you just aren't available enough to keep me interested in anything more than friendship. I don't know anything about you. I really was interested and you said some really nice things that raised my expectations, but you haven't lived up to the expectation you set. Maybe we can get get to know each other as friends and maybe you'll drop some of this cloak and dagger stuff of never having time. I get the feeling that you read in some magazine that you're supposed to be unavailable and girls like it. I don't. It makes it seem like you would be a bad boyfriend. Again, I hate to leave a message, but there's no other way to reach you. I hope to hear from you and that you want to step up, but if I don't, that's OK too. Take care of yourself.

As predicted, I haven't heard anything, but I feel better knowing I have spoken my mind.

My friends said all kinds of things about sleeping with a guy sooner than my standards would allow, to "reel him in" or whatever. They realized that sounded really dumb when I never even got to a first date with this guy. I guess they were hoping that if I changed the way I do things that I would have a boyfriend instead of endless drama and stupidity from guys who wanted a relationship that included sex. If I were to slip and have sex I'm sure God could forgive me even if all of you couldn't, but it doesn't seem to be even about that.

I just don't care anymore and it's liberating.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Love Advice from Steve Harvey

I've made reference to his book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Now you can go to the article on CNN.com. It's basically his interview with Oprah verbatim! Read up. you're worth it!

1. Texting is NOT dating!!

2. Women's Standards Are Too Low (Oprah Show)
3.From a man's perspective.

The Other Guy--From Craigslist

I gave one of the guys from Craigslist a "Second Chance" because he seemed nice. We were supposed to go out for coffee and he chickened out. I teased him about it. And he said he really wanted to meet. I teased that I didn't want to lose him as a pen pal. I just thought it would be a fun evening to get to know someone. He asked me to send extra pictures even, so I'm guessing he thought I was cute. Finally I left a message saying:

Hey, I thought this was just going to be fun. I have no idea what I can do to make you feel comfortable with meeting, but I'm not comfortable with meeting you when we don't even have a plan. I'm not going to chase you down because it's not my MO. So maybe another time.

Chicken: Sorry. Won't be making it. Good luck.

I sort of knew he was going to chicken out because I didn't hear from him in a few days and then he texted me instead of calling. Borrrrring.

I think he actually wanted me to send NAKED PICTURES! The score is still Craigslist 15 Love 0.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

SEX (Bad advice about it)

Some of my friends and acquaintances think it's only about sex--when you have it, how soon you have it and how often you have it.

Um, really?

I met a guy at a bar through friends recently. He even said, "The highlight of my evening was meeting you." Seriously, that is so romantic!! I was curious...
Savvy: So whatever happened to his friend. we seemed to be getting along.
Friend: His friend has a girlfriend.
Savvy: I guessed that.
Friend: He's been living with her for years.
Savvy: I KNEW it!! He asked for my phone number, gave me a kiss and everything and then I didn't hear anything
Friend: Well, he has some fun every once in awhile.
...

Fun. Is that what it's called? That's a definite case where having sex would have been a really dumb idea. Click read more!

People tell me I should do it anyway to get my "needs met". If I need to "just do it" then I need to get paid to do it. It is what it is. I'm not so critical of those sugar daddies, they are at least honest about what they are after.I would rather get paid to do it and at least end up with some souvenir if there isn't going to be a relationship attached to it. Now people just promise that they might want a relationship and that is supposed to be good enough.

Another friend shared a story:
Sylvi: And guys today don't even wnat to date. They just ask to come over.
Savvy: It's pretty terrible.
Sylvi: Sometimes I have had sex before the first date.
Savvy: Seriously?
Sylvi: Yeah, sure, what's the big deal?
Savvy: I don't know.
Sylvi: And then the guy asked me if we still have to go on the date since we just had sex.
Savvy: Really?
Sylvi: Do I still have to take you on a date?


Wow, that's really something else.

Then, yet another said--
Dude: I had a loving relationship with a woman and we had sex on the first date. Maybe you need to free your mind and just go for it.
Savvy: even without knowing anything about him.
Dude: Yeah, just ask them if there is anything you need to know about first.
Savvy: With someone you aren't even sure you can trust. Is this an exclusive relationship?
Dude: No, someone would have to be sure that they want to make that step first.
Savvy: So I have to sleep with someone I don't know on the first date not knowing how many other people they are sleeping with. That's gross.
Dude: How is it gross? You have to be sure that's what you want with someone.
Savvy: Chlamydia, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, herpes, AIDS, crabs, trichomoniasis, HPV,
various undiscovered diseases and that's not gross? People are all worried about the swine flu and STDs aren't gross? Thanks anyway, I'll pass.
Dude: All you have to do is wear a condom.
Savvy: Oh, then no one told you that condoms are no guarantee. You can still get herpes, crabs and just about anything else if the condom slips off--including pregnant.


Seriously, I'll pass. I'm not just being judgmental--these are viral and bacterial infections I just don't want to get! Trichomoniasis is a parasite. Yum! Crabs are pubic LICE! The way people are so careless about what they do, it's even more important to be cautious. But I want more than caution. I want it to be special. I still want to wait until I get married. But now having sex is considered to be the most unspecial thing. It seems like now I have to do it with every date--even if I don't want to. I'm not feeling very liberated, evolved or anything else that was ever promised about liberty and choice that was supposed to come with women's liberation or the sexual revolution.




And Then He Cancelled

I was really looking forward to this date and already kind of nervous. I was about to call and ask him where we should meet and ask what to wear--something I never do, but right now I'm willing to try different things and see how they work. And then he texted.

Netbk: Hey, I came down with strep throat and fever. I better rest and I don't want to give it to you.
Savvy: Bummer! If I knew you btr I wld b taking care of you.
Netbk: Let's reschedule.

Savvy: Sure thing. I was about to call and what to wear--casual, sexy-- a little bit of both since I wasn't sure what 2 expect.
Savvy: R u going 2 b OK for the trip? Do u have work on Monday so u can rest?
Netbk: I work on Monday so no time to rest.
Savvy: (While watching Tiger Woods) Bummer, that's what today is for then. 2 bad i had a full day yesterday. At least there's sports on! Not like being sick on a weekday with boring TV.



And then there was no response. What could I possibly say? I do want to meet with him. I do want to see how it feels, but then there is a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that already doesn't feel good. Is he really sick--or is sick another word for nervous and insincere. Do I try calling him on my other phone and see if he picks up and if his voice sounds as hoarse as I would expect? Or will there be a party in the background with the music so loud I can't hear him. I'm dealing with excuses from someone I don't even know. I once told a girl who was frustrated with her boyfriend, You can deal with the same excuses from the same guy who you care about, or you can take them from a different guy every week. Your choice.

Those who have followed since the days of Bass know that I have a generally low opinion of texting. It's hard to read any sincerity. Comedian Steve Harvey has a low opinion of texting in his book, Act Like A Lady, Date Like A Man. But then you don't want to assume that someone is insincere when you don't know him. And who wants to be dramatic or untrusting? My poor parents don't understand the length and complexity of these games. I always hear, You never know, he could be telling the truth. Give him a chance. Every time , they end up mystified.

No matter what happens, it was nice to hear that he thought I was kinda sexy and said he was definitely interested.

And Then He Called

It happened about 5 minutes after I pressed send. We now have a date for Sunday. Well, sort of. I got a phone call and it turned out to be him.

Savvy: So what's the plan?
Netbk: Let's just get together and see how we feel.
Savvy: OK.
Netbk: Well, wait, how about Saturday?
Savvy: Wow, you really want to see me, don't you?
Netbk: I just want to see when our schedules work out.
Savvy: You were supposed to say yes.


Now I think I'm cute and funny, so I hope it came across that way. Sounds to me like he was just on Guy Time.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Lost Nerve, Please Call Savvy If Found

After all of that, nothing. No, really! We all are left wondering why a guy would up the stakes and then just drop things. Poof! Gone!

Doc: Well, it will happen when you least expect it...maybe it's where you meet them.
Sav: I WAS least expecting it. I went to a coffee place to work on my computer. We started talking about netbooks since we both had them.
Doc: Oh.
Sav: It's not like I went to a bar to meet men, I went to a coffee place to work.
Doc: Um...I don't know.

Yeah, none of us knows.

I think I like Adam's text the best.
Adam: Why would he hit on you and then not follow through?
I don't know. No one knows.

Savvy: Maybe I shouldn't have said all that stuff about just being friends and been surprized that he liked me.
Mike: If you killed it by saying that, then it should be dead.
Savvy: I guess you're right.
Mike: As long as you don't listen to my advice, I think you'll be fine.

Naughty Mike! He was telling me to go ahead and sleep with the guy after a few dates instead of telling him my "history" or saying I just wanted to wait for awhile.

Maybe it's because I'm living at home with my parents.
Maybe it's because I put off getting together on Tuesday.
Maybe it isn't about sex.
Maybe he met someone else.
Maybe he has a girlfriend.
Maybe he changed his mind.
Maybe that's as far as his nerve goes.
Maybe he just wanted to have sex.
Maybe he's never had sex.
Maybe he's Muslim and he doesn't want to be with a Christian.
Maybe he doesn't have as much money as before and feels bad.
Maybe he wanted to marry me right away and it scared him off.
Maybe he just broke up with someone.
Maybe he's a jerk.
Maybe we're going to be eternally single because we're all too damaged.
Maybe.
Maybe I'm the Ginnifer Goodwin character in He's Just Not That Into You.


As for Netbook, when he finds the nerve, I guess he'll let some girl know.
As for me, "When you least expect it" is a big fat 0.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Netbook Guy Continued

I've talked on the phone with the Netbook Guy a few times. The first time he was trying to play it cool.

Netbk: Hey there, Savvy?
Savvy: Heyyyy.
Netbk: I'm sitting at Borders and I was just calling some people trying to catch up.
Savvy: Yeah! I made the cut!

We talked about doing something on Tuesday because I thought I was going to be going down to where we met.
Netbk: I could always go up there...

Then I had to call him to let him know that I couldn't.

Savvy: So I'm going to have to take you up on that offer for you to come up here.
Netbk: I'll have to let you know how it goes with work. I can come in the morning but then I'd have to leave by 11:30.


Then he didn't call in the morning. I texted him and then he called:

Netbk: I can come in the afternoon, but I have work this evening so I would have to leave again.
Savvy: I would want you to be able to relax and not be in such a rush.
Netbk: I hope you don't take it personally. It's just that being a contractor with IT, they sometimes call at the last minute and need me to do stuff.
Savvy: Work is important. I wouldn't take it personally unless it happened all the time.
Netbk: You're kinda sexy, did you know that?
Savvy: Really?
Netbk: Yeah. I'm definitely interested.
Savvy: Really? Wow. I kinda thought we'd be friends and then I started to catch on that you might be interested in more.
Netbk: I'll check my calendar and pick out some times that I think might work.
Savvy: OK.


It was starting to sound important. Someone slipped a little love in the coffee! I later texted him.

Just so you know, I'm totally OK with you thinking I'm sexy.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Coffee, the Netbook Guy and Love

I was sitting at a different coffee place than the one I usually go to. People came and went while I was there and then when one man disappeared, I noticed another man on his netbook. I thought he was really handsome, too. I can't help it, I have been know to notice a man every now and then. I also noticed his netbook...

Savvy: So, how do you like your netbook?
Netbk: I think it's good that it's so convenient, but it has it's issues.
Savvy: I love that I can stick it in my bag and I don't have to cart around my large 5 pounder.
Netbk: Seriously. So do you think it's a little slower?
Savvy: Yes, actually it's interesting that the graphics take just a little bit longer. It's like a flash.
Netbk: Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Savvy: Hey, shouldn't you be at work or something.
Netbk: Shouldn't you?
Savvy: Well, I'm working as an independent contractor, but I'm thinking about switching to running a business. I think Metro PCS would be the perfect thing to jump into. I think it's really going to take off.
Netbook: I used to do IT for a company that moved to Dallas and I thought about going, but I didn't want to leave.
Savvy: Family?
Netbk: Yes.


He got a few phone calls that had to do with business

Netbk: So, do you come to this place often?
Savvy: Actually this is a different one than I usually go to.
Netbk: Oh, well, it was really nice meeting you...
Savvy: I'm down here alot, so maybe we could hang out sometime on purpose or something...
Netbk: Yeah, let me get your number.
Savvy: Sounds good.


He called me right away so that I had his number. I had a funny feeling that maybe he liked me, but I wasn't sure. At least we could hang out, have coffee work on our netbooks.

But to be sure, remember that "saving" $100 by buying from Verizon will not benefit you in the long run. Free internet is plentiful enough in big cities that there is really no need. Even the Westfield Malls have internet.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Metro PCS is on a roll with MetroFlash!!

You can keep your old cell phone and port your number over to Metro PCS! Now it's not just your your number, but your cell phone too!! What a sweet deal!

Of course, that catch is that you must pay $30 for the service of "unlocking" your phone so that it can be used by Metro PCS. They have to make money somehow!!

Read more about it. It's not just a fairy tale.

Quirky's Neurosis

Quirky is so neurotic that he texted me asking me to write about how neurotic he is. Ummm, right. So then he would just get mad at me for writing about how neurotic he is. I vaguely recall him saying something about some guy blogging about his roommates' foibles. They got mad at him for writing things on his blog rather than confronting them personally. I think we talked about how annoying that would be.

But he did tell Swing that it was my birthday and he called me. It was an Eeyore sort of birthday. Brownie points.

To Speak to a Representative, Press ???

Why is it that speaking to a representative is the absolute last thing you have a choice of?? Why is it that after spending 5:23 minutes waiting on the phone entering this, that and the other number and going through directory after directory of press here, there and everywhere, I got a dial tone instead of getting through to anyone? Why in the world does BofA call them "Customer Satifaction Account Managers?"

Have you ever gotten the sinking feeling that they have you enter your account number just so you'll have something to do? When you finally get a person they ask you for your account number because they don't seem to actually have it. But hey, if you want to believe that punching numbers serves an actual purpose, go right ahead. Knock yourself out.