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Saturday, October 24, 2009

Sex Degrees of Separation

I've been saying this for years. And now there is an article saying that people should be aware that when they sleep with someone, they are in effect, sleeping with everyone that person has slept with. I first heard this concept at, of all places, my church youth group.

The best prevention is abstinence or severely limiting the number of sexual partners one has. In other words, God's design of sexual intimacy being enjoyed in marriage and for procreation is still the best design. Solving the "problem" of procreation with the Pill, leaves us with STIs/STDs in higher numbers than in the past. And now they are more deadly (HIV/AIDS). Please note that I said sex is meant to be enjoyed. I know that it would be difficult for me to enjoy it any other way than in marriage. That's why I'm waiting.

LONDON - THE average British man or woman has slept with 2.8 million people - albeit indirectly, according to figures released Wednesday to promote awareness of sexual health.

A British pharmacy chain has launched an online calculator which helps you work out how many partners you have had, in the sense of exposure to risk of sexually transmitted diseases (STIs).

The 'Sex Degrees of Separation' ready reckoner tots up the numbers based on your number of partners, then their previous partners, and their former lovers, and so on for six 'generations' of partners.

The average British man claims to have actually slept with nine people, while women put the figure at 6.3, giving an average of 7.65.

'When we sleep with someone, we are, in effect, not only sleeping with them, but also their previous partners and their partners' previous partners, and so on,' said Ms Clare Kerr, head of sexual health at Lloydspharmacy.

'It's important that people understand how exposed they are to STIs and take appropriate precautions including using condoms and getting themselves checked out where appropriate.' -- AFP


I love comments!


Kathy Farrelly said...

Sex IS best enjoyed in marriage Savvy.
No inhibitions. Unconditional love.
Wanting to please each other..


It don't get any better. You are right to wait, mate.

Paul said...

Oh yes, the old soul ties illustration. Definitely remember when my dad made me watch a teaching about it and how having sex with one is like having sex with the long string of people behind that person. It's definitely a great point and helped me wait until marriage, which was definitely worth every second of sexual angst.

Anonymous said...

I just love stories like this. In order to make a point, someone twists logic and math beyond recognition. There is no rational way to come up with that many "partners".

I also agree with the abstenance approach. It works every time and avoids all kinds of other unpleasantness besides pregnancy and STDs.

SavvyD said...

Hmmm, just my thoughts, if you got a disease from every person, it would be exactly like that. All that risk of exposure to STDs!!! Seriously, people have a much greater chance of getting an STD than they do of dying from the swine flu. That's really gross if you think about it.

Ame said...

i thought this was old news? didn't know they were still trying to prove that multiple partners means more risk! stupid people

Ame said...

Savvy - your input is requested:

Deadheart said...

Soul ties - I like that term.

Purity is in very short supply.

Hence, I gave up looking for it and have conditioned myself for a long stretch of Christian celibacy.

Voluntary celibacy is quite difficult for a guy, and in fact I think that it tends to destroy men.

But there is no other choice. Even now, when I have several women who would like to date me, I can offer them only friendship.

I was born a few decades too late. Used to be a lot of women who wanted guys like me.

Now, even though my type is incredibly rare, it has basically no market value.

Life's full of ironies, though.

Blondie said...


SavvyD said...

Deadheart, you ought to speak to your pastor about your views. Perhaps he might be able to help you. You haven't listened to anyone here about being a little bit forgiving of someone's past. Anakin posted about women being forgiving toward men if the had ever struggled with porn. Interesting to discuss over there if you are inclined to visit his blog:

Deadheart said...

Nothing to forgive - I was not sinned against.

How can I forgive someone for a sin they didn't commit against me?

It's all about the spiritual bonding that takes place. Has nothing to do with forgiveness.

I have no problem if she has looked at men with lust her whole life, if she didn't act on it. God knows I've done my share of looking.

I've lost track of the number of women who offered me sex. But every time I always imagined some Christian girl that I would someday marry, and having to tell her that she was not my first. I always imagined that she would be a saddened by that.


So, while dedicated Christians like me have been being slowly ground into dust by decades of forced celibacy, finally the saner or more desperate women are starting to think that settling for a 'nice guy' might be a cool way to ensure some security in their declining years.

So, the bad boys get to enjoy all her sexual energy and eagerness to please, and we get an angry, hurt, rejected woman who would never have had us in her prime but is willing to let us support her through the Cellulite Years in exchange for a "companionship" (hahahahaha!) and a bit of grudging sexual contact.

Not interested. Let them go be provided for and comforted by the bad boys that so thrilled them in their youth.

Ha - my heart's not quite dead yet, as you can see, but that doesn't mean the women aren't trying.

SavvyD said...

Deadheart, you say that there is nothing to forgive, but I found that you must forgive someone their mistakes even if they were not done against you. Talk to your pastor about it and let us know what you pastor says. Also read Anakin's post like I mentioned. You are quite stubborn.

SavvyD said...

And quite judgmental, and come across as unforgiving of humanity, especially women.

DH said...

If it makes you happier, I'm even more upset with men who lie to women or "game" them to get laid.

I used to work in a restaurant as a waiter. One day, a sweet, plain gal from the sticks started working there as a waitress. I chatted her up as best I could. But before slow-moving, gentlemanly me could get to know her, Hot Bartender Guy put serious moves on her and she cold-shouldered me suddenly.

At once, she forgot her plain-girl roots and decided that she was in the league of Hot Bartender Guy (about 10 years older than her - she was 23). She was, but only as fling.

After he enjoyed the full measure of her "company", he dumped her, and started doing someone else.

You see, she never checked into his character and learned what a serious player he was. Had she done that, she could have guarded her heart against his charm, and might have resisted his advances.

Little country gal changed after that. She started sleeping around with other guys.

The sweet innocent girl for whom I had a soft spot now looked at me with despising eyes. She had tasted Alpha (no pun intended), and was never going back. I was below her price range, and she made me feel it.

The fling I could have overlooked, in a way. But what I could never overlook is the vibe she put out on me. I was no longer seen as a worthy suitor who was not selected.

No, it became quite clear that I was now seen as clearly beneath her, and her contempt for me as a guy was palpable and unmistakable.

THIS IS WHY I make the issue I do.

I have never met a girl who was over her "dating hot jerks" stage who didn't have some wistfulness about what might have been.

So stop calling it unforgiveness.

After the beating my dignity took at the hands of many women, I can't afford to risk what's left of my heart on someone who may have unrequited feelings for a past love.

In the meantime, I have started a wonderful relationship with a 21-year old. Her name is Balvenie 21-year Portwood. She's from Scotland, and comes in a curvaceous glass bottle.

Strong in character, we can't see too much of each other, lest familiarity breed contempt. But enjoyed in small quantities, the effect is warm, devastatingly sweet, and reliable.


SavvyD said...

No, it became quite clear that I was now seen as clearly beneath her, and her contempt for me as a guy was palpable and unmistakable.

THIS IS WHY I make the issue I do.

I have never met a girl who was over her "dating hot jerks" stage who didn't have some wistfulness about what might have been.

So stop calling it unforgiveness.

After the beating my dignity took at the hands of many women, I can't afford to risk what's left of my heart on someone who may have unrequited feelings for a past love.

I won't stop calling it that because you make bitter and judgmental statements about love and the opposite sex.

You really ought to talk to someone about it who can advise you from a spiritual perspective. Every time you say basically the same things:

You're attractive and lots of women want to date you.

No woman is good enough for you.

Because of that decision, you are alone.

Ame said...

Forgiveness is simply giving up the right to get even. it is NOT trust.

it is acceptance in that one accepts that this has happened and they then release any right to get even into the hands of God.

but it is not acceptance of wrong behavior.

for example, i forgive my dad for sexually abusing me as a child. i do not trust my dad, nor will i ever. i do not condone his behavior or his choices. but i do forgive him.

excellent book on subject: Forgiving the Unforgivable by Dr. David Stoop

SavvyD said...

(forgiveness) is acceptance in that one accepts that this has happened and they then release any right to get even into the hands of God.

Forgiveness is also considering a debt paid and no longer begrudging a person for it--whether or not the act was against you.

Ame said...

"Forgiveness is also considering a debt paid and no longer begrudging a person for it--whether or not the act was against you."

the debt has been paid in that Jesus paid the debt for all of our sins. but i'm not sure i would consider that necessary for forgiveness. releasing the right, ability, desire, to get even, to make them pay their debt ... and considering the debt 'paid' are, i think, two different things.

it is not for me to decide if their debt has been paid. for example, i think my dad is still paying his 'debt' against me, but it's not 'mine' to deal with or concern myself with. i have released it all; it is not mine.

i also think there are times when one can forgive and yet still need to enforce the consequences. this is an every-day thing as a parent, but an adult example would be that i forgave my ex for his unfaithfulness, but i still expected him to adhere to certain behavior, including being faithful, in order to enjoy some of the benefits of being married. i had forgiven him, but it was also my responsibility to draw the line in the marriage and enforce it. in the end, he chose to leave rather than stick to the line.

i also think that some acts against us require almost continuous forgiveness ... or at least more times to forgive rather than just one. for example, what my ex did to me has required much forgiveness on many different levels ... but the consequences of divorce are harsh, and as more of those consequences are experienced, more forgiveness is necessary.

forgiveness does not mean that i am not sad or sorrowful for what he/they did. it means that it is no longer mine to hold onto. it is accepting that this wrong has been done to me, and it is releasing the right to get even, the right for vengeance.

Ame said...

i also do not think that fear = unforgiveness. it can, but i do not necessarily think that it does. for example, i am fearful of how my dad can emotionally hurt me (b/c he very much emotionally abused me, also), so i keep a very strong and far distance between the two of us. that is healthy fear, good fear. i need to fear him so that i keep good, safe, healthy boundaries so that he cannot hurt me again.

hyper-anxious fear is a medical issue that needs to be medically addressed.

there is also unhealthy fear that causes us to make unhealthy choices - and that needs to be psychologically addressed.

i also think that sometimes God uses fear to pull us out of a situation, keep us out of it, and open up an opportunity to heal the wounds caused to us.

having pain, wounds, does not equal unforgiveness. having un-healed wounds does not equal unforgiveness. i have many wounds that continue to heal, but i have forgiven my dad and my ex.

i think deadheart's reactions are normal given his experiences. whether or not they are healthy is another matter. unhealthy does not equal unforgiveness. he could easily have forgiven them, but he may have emotional wounds that are so severe it is easier to bury his heart rather than do the work to heal them.

another thing ... his wounds could be so deep that he has needed to put his heart in a coma, so to speak, so his mind and soul can catch up to his emotion, and then the three can move forward toward healing. these are issues for him to decide, and hopefully with wise help from either medical or psychological sources or perhaps pastoral counseling.

also - the way men handle being hurt, and the way women handle being hurt cannot be more different. i think it's very hard, sometimes, for us to understand each other (males and females) in that way.

D said...

First: Actually, I never said I am attractive. I am average at best.

Second, the majority of the women who want to date me (there are several) all have severe baggage issues. Child support nightmares. Custody wars. Financial problems. Significantly overweight.

From this, I can only conclude that I am a last resort. I've been invited to the party just in time to help clean up after the revelers have had their fun.

Ame sees the distinction here. It is all about trust. I am greatly concerned that these women view me as a safe place to land. I feel that they will never really feel about me the way they felt about their "lost love(s)". You know, the one they wanted badly enough to put up with his abuse for years.

Do I not deserve to be appreciated for something other than the ability to function as a fire escape for their troubles?

I guess I keep saying the same thing because you keep obstinately insisting that it is a lack of forgiveness on my part.

Perhaps you'd like to explain how me worrying about whether a woman has real feelings for me is equivalent to unforgiveness?

And then you accuse me of thinking that these women are not "good enough" for me?

No one is good enough for anyone. Christ said that only the Father is good. It's not about being good enough. It's about concern of her not loving me completely, of always having a flame in her heart for the one that got away.

I never thought about it like a coma. Kind of a funny analogy. But accurate.

SavvyD said...

You may have become more attractive over time. Perhaps you are more confident, more outgoing. That happens.

I still think you should talk to someone about it. What continually rings through is that you have a genuine disdain for women. You don't trust them. You say negative things about them. You can blame another guy all you want, but the truth is, for a woman to know you are remotely interested, you have to do something about it. I doubt the coffee shop girl even knew. You sound bitter, bitter, bitter.

So what if someone made some mistakes? Haven't you? You're going to hold someone to what they did in their twenties when they didn't know you? We are nearly all stupid in our twenties. So what if they had feelings for someone else? So what if they didn't understand that they were in a bad relationship? So what? Didn't you ever have a crush before?

I understand your hesitation, but your hesitation has kept you from even giving it a shot according to what you have written--like no one is even worth getting to know a little bit before making that decision. So what if you help mend someone's broken heart a little? Isn't that what God does for us--though on a much grander scale?

D said...

Sure I've had crushes. I've even dated them. I've even had them offer me sex. Had to say no (extremely difficult, of course, but possible).

And I am becoming less attractive with age, like most people. What has happened is that the desperation of these particular women has accelerated far beyond the rate at which I am losing my attractiveness. I'm as surprised as you are.

Mend their broken heart? Maybe you're right. But what about all the times I had to console the women I was interested in while they told me about the jerky guy they 'loved' so much. Like an idiot, I waited for them to finally realize I was a good guy. Instead, they used my emotional support to recharge their spirits for another go with Mr. Exciting. So he gets all the affection and I get the dirty work of patching her broken heart. So please understand my concern, I've been down that road many times.

I have been used, used, used, used, used.

What a fool I was. Now, when women tell me about their jerky boyfriends, I usually just shrug and say "oh".

Ha! No more cuddle bitch duty for me!

My emotional support is reserved for my girlfriend/future wife, not for creeps who are looking for a free ride on the empathy express.

You suggest I am bitter. So? Don't some people have a right to be bitter if they're wronged?

The answer is yes.

SavvyD said...

Probably feels the same as it does for us ladies. Yes, we know you want to date the 10 and there are about 3 of them at church. Gee, how lucky am I when you work your way down to me? Is it even valid? It might be, but it definitely isn't going to be if I don't give it a chance.

I meant mending a broken heart IN a relationship not as a friend. But whatevs. You have your own bitter thing going on.

SavvyD said...


Someone left me a great comment. I won't point you to his blog though.
Alamo Jack has posted an answer to the question "Sex Degrees of Separation":

No, I have no idea who my partners have slept with. I think that my total at the end of 2009, was about 35. I'm going to try and double it this year.