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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Why He Didn't Call You Back

What are the chances of a phone call after a first date? I told a guy friend that we can never expect the same feelings about people as in our early twenties when we were so open to the world and everything in it. We were unencumbered, relatively unsophisticated, hopeful and had a great deal more time for hanging out with friends--especially if we were in school full time bankrolled by our parents. From my perspective guys seem disappointed by not having those feelings and that's part of:

Why He Didn't Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date by Rachel Greenwald (a matchmaker):

The New Dating World
So how easy is it to have a successful first date? Unfortunately, it's not easy at all. During the past ten years, I've observed a shocking trend from my vantage point in the dating business: there are more failed first dates than ever before. If the upsurge in the dating industry is any proof, people are going on more and more first dates. But these connections aren't working because the number of single people is at an all-time high. It's important to understand this current landscape, especially if you're newly single after a long relationship. The new dating world reflects three major challenges: the fallout from online dating, more sophisticated singles, and easier-to-obtain sex.

The question for most singles is no longer if they are dating online, but how many sites they are using. Singles typically have dating profiles on two or three sites now. And they're open for romantic connections through their social networking sites too( e.g., facebook, MySpace...even blogs.)

Dating from a blog?? Lordy no! I don't even have a real picture of me.

This does not address the other issues at had.
1. You didn't want him to call because you didn't like him.
2. You didn't return his phone call.
3. You didn't mind either way if he called and certainly not enough to pick up the phone yourself.

In any case, just tell people when they ask... It's not me it's you. And you, and you, and you, and you, and you...

I love comments!


Deadheart said...

Deadheart says:

Well, I think it is as simple as too many choices.

It is much easier today to keep waiting for relationship perfection than to recognize a good thing.

I think it was Voltaire that said the perfect is the enemy of the good.

Guys keep waiting for better looks and girls keep waiting for more chemistry. Or whatever.

Why settle for that dorky guy or slightly chubby girl when mr/ms perfect COULD be just around the corner?

Eventually, people will have realized that they have waited their lives away, and will then either settle in a panic, or raise their standards even higher, resigning themselves to a lifetime of singleness unless perfection comes their way.

The obsession with sex and sensuality and chemistry in relationships is destroying what could be successful, happy unions.

No one wants to work at anything anymore, they expect everything to be wonderful and if not, well, get a divorce.

What we need is a soul-wearying, pride-crushing recession (or depression). Something to take the edge off of everyone's haughtiness.

Pickle Pumpers said...

I have to say that you are spot on.

Women, and men, need to stop all the game play if they want honest relationships.

He or she didn't call you? Did you like them? If so YOU give a call; maybe they're waiting for you to make the first move. For instance a man might think a date went horribly but still like the woman so won't call because he thinks he'll get shot down. If the woman was interested and waiting for a call she'll never get it.

I know we like think we need to trick someone into liking us but that's just not true. If you just act like yourself you may not get the guy or gal you think you want but you'll get the person you're more compatible with.

Oh, and while opposites attract they can also can cause fissionable material to reach critical mass thus resulting in utter devastation. That is to say opposites working is the exception not the rule.

Differences that can not be resolved, like religion, will ALWAYS cause stress in a family so why start out with extra stress? Life is hard enough as it is.

Thanks for the great advice.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

A successful date is so not easy.

SavvyD said...

Public manners, common decency and friendliness have gone out the window. There must be some relationship to urbanization and its resultant dehumanization.

MarkyMark said...


While Pickle Pumpers above had some good points, I'll add one: he didn't call because he may have lost your number. I write numbers down on slips of paper too often for my own good, and I often lose them. Either that, or he may not have been able to READ his own writing! I know I have a hard time reading mine, especially if I tried to write something down on while using my leg instead of a hard surface.


SavvyD said...

Marky Mark--Soooo true!!
When I was in college, I found some girl's number written on a piece of paper cast away in an elevator near the dorms. It obviously fell out of his pocket. But that's not usually post-date reason.

Anonymous said...

i wouldn't really know, i guess, because the only failed first dates i've had have been with people i already knew. and the one i had with someone i didn't know turned out spectacularly. but that is very interesting. i wonder what's up with that?

Novaseeker said...

Eventually, people will have realized that they have waited their lives away, and will then either settle in a panic, or raise their standards even higher, resigning themselves to a lifetime of singleness unless perfection comes their way.

The obsession with sex and sensuality and chemistry in relationships is destroying what could be successful, happy unions.

Or maybe they wouldn't be?

I think expectations extend into such unions today as well. And cause many divorces.

It may be time to realize that many people, given their expectations, would actually be happier single than in marriages or LTRs.

SavvyD said...

For me, chemistry is about the total person and how you relate intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, your backgrounds click and yes, there's some attraction. It's not all physical. But some of it HAS to be.

sestamibi said...

Re losing phone numbers: anyone remember that movie with John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale (was it "Serendipity"?)

Let me restate Deadheart's position in the language of my trade, statistics. In deciding whether to accept or reject a hypothesis there are four possible outcomes (using a stock purchase):
two correct choices, to buy stock and it goes up, don't buy stock and it tanks. Type I error is to buy stock and it goes down. Type II error is not to buy and it goes up.

In this case a Type I error is to marry the wrong person, and Type II error is to pass up the right person. Obviously Type I is far more serious, especially if physical abuse is involved, but over time repeated Type II's cumulatively can cause as much pain and regret.

SavvyD said...

Serendipty...very romantic; totally unbelievable, fun, fluff.


Anonymous said...

I agree with deadheart.. When relationships are build on people playing games, holding back feelings, and have very limited communication because the person doesn't want to reveal the "real" them, than relationships will always go down hill. Seriously, what's the worst that can happen when your- yourself in a relastionship? Either the person will not be interested or they will. I think it hurts more when you create this new image so that the person can like you, and things end up not working out- because your stuck wondering if the person would have liked you if you were just yourself. In relationships, we're going to get hurt and I'm not saying be completely open and allow people to run all over you, but at the same time you shouldn't put up this guard that can never be broken down, because when you do that you could miss out on your mr. or mrs. right. I realize no-one likes traditional relationships anymore, but a lot can be learned from those relationships because that's when marriages lasted.

SavvyD said...

Unfortunately, many people don't stick around long enough to find out. There isn't enough of a relationship for people to talk about things, so one moves on. Quite frankly, I've done it, but usually because someone exhibits a habit which I am not in a place to continually say that habit makes me uncomfortable--say if someone swears frequently, speaks overly sensually, or has seriously bad table manners.

Plus, when the likelihood of never seeing the person again goes up, the amount of yourself that you are willing to share goes down.

It's not you. It's EVERYONE.