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Saturday, September 19, 2009

How to Gain Weight, 10 Fun and Easy Steps

It's time to celebrate what I'm really good at!! If there's one thing I've been good at on and off throughout the years, it's been gaining weight. This is dedicated to all those people who say they try to gain weight and just can't. It's time to turn that attitude around! YES YOU CAN!!


1. Hookup with Ben & Jerry's. Make them you best friends and meet with them EVERY NIGHT. In fact, have a pint of Ben & Jerry's as a meal replacement.

2. Exercise is good for you, even when you want to gain. Studies show that people don't lose when they exercise because they feel they can eat more since they are exercising. So, go to the gym, just make sure you meet up with Ben & Jerry after.

3. Take prescription meds like Prozac. Anti-depressants and other psychotropic medications are known to cause weight gain because they stimulate appetite.

4. Drink soda, not water. Thirsty? Have a soda. Tired? Have some pop.

5. Get the large latte with heavy cream. Everyone knows that coffee drinks are loaded with hidden calories.

6. Have a muffin or a bagel with that coffee. Bagels are like 5 servings of bread. Muffins are loaded with oil--cupcakes are less fattening.

7. Super-size everything. You heard me! In fact, do this for lunch every day. Don't forget to order the regular coke!



8. Take the elevator, not the stairs. Avoid exercise when you can, even though it's OK to exercise.

9. If you don't have an injury, pretend to have one. A sprained ankle, messed up knee, out of whack shoulder. Stop doing those things which you now take for granted because of that injury, even though it isn't real. If you do have an injury, this is very easy to accomplish.

10. Remember, the most weight gain comes from eating just a little bit more than you need. If you eat 100 calories extra per day, it works out to 10 lbs at the end of the year. Just do the math:

100 calories per day
x30 days per month
x12 months in a year
--------------------
36,000 calories
/3500 calories in 1 pound of fat
--------------------
10 lbs.


Don't expect it to happen overnight. Be patient. Soon everyone will be telling you how great you look. Ready, set, GO EAT!!

I love comments!

9 comments:

Mr.M said...

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/primal-blueprint-101/

Obviously your post is full of satire, but the above link has loads of information wrt changing your diet/lifestyle for the better.

MarkyMark said...

I still long for the days when I could eat an entire pizza and STILL lose weight! Back when I was young, I couldn't gain weight to save my life. Now, I can't get it off...

SavvyD said...

When I was on swim team in HS, I cold put away an entire pizza one day and a pan of brownies the next. It's tough to keep it on when you are swimming for 90 min-2 hours a day.

And, why yes, this article is a COMPLETE mockery of those weight loss articles and websites.

MarkyMark said...

Savvy,

I was on my HS swim team too. That, and I rode my bicycle to work during the summer; that was 8-9 miles each way. Plus, I rode my bicycle everywhere else too. I had NO PROBLEM keeping weight off... :)

MarkyMark

Professor Hale said...

When I was on the swim team in HS, I once ate 5 big macks in one sitting. They must have been smaler then, I can't even imagine how that was otherwise possible.

SavvyD said...

Hale and Marky--those were the DAYS!!!

Anonymous said...

you forgot the salt. why allow all those pounds of water weight gain to drift away needlessly. Chips and salted peanuts, you can tell yourself you are eating protein that's good for you.

Most of all make sure you stay healthy because everyone knows you lose your appetite when you're sick.

SavvyD said...

Anon--that is seriously funny. And so true. It should have been tops on my list since I swell up like a camel when I have too much salt.

beancloe said...

hey thanks im skinny i eat