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Wednesday, July 1, 2009

It's OK to Date at Church

I almost avoided another talk on marriage--I was on a date actually and I thought--should I go to church or work on actually marrying this guy in front of me? After awhile of going to church it's hard to believe that they will say anything I haven't heard before. Except they did in a way that I didn't expect. They had couples who met at church be on the panel. They asked how they met and how the relationship progressed. And they're saying this is all OK. One of the questions was whether or not they had physical parameters in terms of their dating life. They were kind of on the spot, so of course, they said yes. But the truth is, maybe they did. I haven't had sex with any of the guys I have gone out with. My lack of experience is a turn-off for them. And though this hurts my feelings sometimes, it's better that way. Being that it was OK to date at church, there was a guy there who I became interested in...

When I met Seattle last week, I asked another guy:
Savvy: I know guys like to fix things, so I was just wondering if you met someone and liked them would you say something if they were leaving? Guy: Sure, why not, you have nothing to lose. Savvy: OK, I'm going to to that.
I lost the nerve. Then that Guy ended up asking me for my phone number. Weird.

This week I watched Seattle walk into church when everyone was already seated. I had butterflies in my stomach and maybe saw stars. As we walked out after the service, he was suddenly right next to me and I said:

Savvy: Hey... I was surprised to see you this week. Um, so are you excited about your move to Seattle?
Seattle: Yes, it's a little stressful. Soon it will be my last day at work.
Savvy: Ummm...wow..great.

I lost the nerve...but then after fellowshipping with a few other people we were both still there and I decided I had nothing to lose. Seattle is going to be working in aerospace up there. Smart is really hot. We talked about the move.

Savvy: Hey again. Interesting talk, huh?
Seattle: Yes, definitely.
Savvy: So do you have any ideas about where you will be going to church and stuff?
Seattle: I'm going to love with my parents for awhile and checking out a few leads I have. It's a little bit rough to find a singles crowd in their 30s.
Savvy: Yes, that's cause they don't really know what to do with us.
Seattle: A large church like this one should draw enough of a critical mass.
Savvy: Umm, yes, it should...It's really too bad you're leaving because I would totally go out with you.

He smiled a little.
Savvy: Oh my, I can't believe I said anything. Did I totally stick my foot in it?
Seattle: No, actually, you didn't.
Savvy: It doesn't have to be anything, we can be friends, it's just that I felt like I had nothing to lose if I told you and I would at least gain a friend.
Seattle: I'm having a going-away party this Thursday. You're invited if you would like to come.
Savvy: I would love to go.

My hands were shaking as we exchanged numbers and emails. We hugged. Of course I am going. I stuck my foot in my mouth and I'm going to enjoy roasting it as Korean BBQ with him.

I told some people from the prayer team about this:
She: You just turned bright red talking about him. You must really like him.
Savvy: Yes, honestly, from the moment I met him.
He: I went on a trip with him and he is an absolute gentleman.

I was so glad to hear this. Actually, no matter what happens, I was a bit relieved to find a church where I feel accepted. I thought this would take much more work than it did. As far as Seattle goes, there is a pallet with a variety of shades. I have no idea what the painting will look like.


Anonymous said...

I think it is perfectly fine to date in church. I know a couple that met in church and have been married for awhile. Most of my Christian friends have met their significant others through friends, sports, eHarmony, Match.com. There is a garden variety of ways to meet people.

I do not like using the internet to meet prospective dates. I find it kind of uninteresting to be conversating with someone behind a screen and then waiting to see if this is a person to meet in 3 dimensions.

Granted, I do have an account with a well known sight, but I am definitely not doing much with it. To tell you the truth, I'd rather meet somebody from church because I spend a good part of my life outside work doing things at church and doing life with people from church. It would be a more natural transition. I have dated someone from church casually. When it didn't work out, we made a clean break and have remained on friendly terms. Personally, I don't really want to make a commitment to somebody until we are sure that this will be a sure thing, so as long as we don't get too emotionally attached to each other or make idols out of each other, it's a pretty good experience.

When people cling to others like water - it becomes problematic and that is when the drama ensues in the Church dating context. When people commit too fast without thinking it through and don't think through how to handle the possible dissolution of a relationship, dating in church can become a traumatic experience.

Have a happy 4th of July weekend and I hope you have an opportunity to enjoy it with your friends and family.

Stella said...

Let us know how things go at the party!

SavvyD said...

For a long time with books like "I kissed dating goodbye" it seems like the attitude was against dating. And many people began to view church like work and were afraid that asking someone out could be seen as "hitting on" a girl. People have even expressed an attitude against it because they "only go to worship the Lord" and that looking for a dating partner at church seemed counter to that. Perhaps that's because of the way the world does dating now which is fairly inhumane. Not only that, the way we do dating would be really bad business practice.

Emily said...

I think that at times, the way that people relate to each other in dating can be in a consumer related way that is kind of from an adolescent standpoint, if you think about it. For example, if I look at a guy and say,"I won't date you because you are too short, you didn't go to an Ivy League School and you don't believe in sprinkling for baptism, blah blah blah." How mature is my approach? Doesn't it sound like buying a car - or a vacuum? If you approach the opposite sex like an adult, then it is more likely that you will attact others who behave like adults and not overgrown and overaged teenagers.

SavvyD said...

Hi Emily,
I understand what you mean, and you are onto something. However I would caution you for accepting more responsibility than is due for "attracting" anything.

There are alot people who aren't ready for a relationship but want to get their "needs met." That used to mean going to a prostitute. Now that means they might ask YOU because the rules have changed. You may not have done a single thing to "attract" it except talk to a guy when he was horny. How would you know that in advance? Someone even asked my mom, "Do you swing?" at a party when my dad was in the next room. Kinda gross, but my mom was a hot ticket in the 70s. ;) I will write about one of mine another time.

Anonymous said...

"You may not have done a single thing to "attract" it except talk to a guy when he was horny. How would you know that in advance? "

In reponse to that, I should have been more clear when I was commenting. I didn't account for random people who just happen to hit on you for whatever reason they choose. I don't pay much attention to people who make grimey and lustful comments and just factor them into background noise and move on with my life.

SavvyD said...

Emily--Great attitude to have. I was just reacting because I have heard that before and it sounds like The Law of Attraction--A "law" which I disagree with.

SavvyD said...

I may have to hide all of my Seattle posts if I want people to read my blog more widely. This story would most likely out me and embarrass both me and him. Actually I might have to change the whole way I write. Maybe that would be a bad idea. What would you do?

Emily said...

Why do you care so much about what a man who lives 3000 miles from you thinks? Seattle sounds like a nice person, but you barely even know him!

SavvyD said...

I was thinking more about the people I go to church with who might enjoy reading my blog, but then I don't want to known as "that blog chick" or as "that chick who has a crush on Seattle" I mean, even though he's gone, he still has friends in the group. over 100 people know that he just moved to Seattle. And I care about him, I want to know him better. I've learned that I have great instincts about people. In the very short time I knew him, I learned what kind of person he was/is.