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Monday, October 27, 2008

Letter from a Tall Atheist

When Kiki and I frisked Tall at the beer garden, he decided to take my purse and search it for his ipod, thinking we had seized it in jest. That evening he sent me an email response to some issues that we had been trying to work out. I decided email was the best way to get the discussion going. It's way more complicated than I could ever have imagined. In some ways I hesitate to post the letter in its entirety. Tall is so genuine about things that have happened in his life and how he feels toward me, that it is valuable to both the blog as one which discusses Christian dating issues, general issues and my personal history with one of "my men."

I’m home. I ended up driving back to work in hopes of finding my iPod which was sitting in its docking station at my desk! Yep, going senile here.

I know that you had no idea about what was going on inside me, because I didn’t want you to think I was some bitter person, which I really wouldn’t hope I was. I did and do feel terrible that you felt that I was using you, and I fully understand why you would feel that way.

When all of this happened a few weeks ago, and I had gone to the point of drafting something that I had hoped would have explain what was going on from my standpoint. Again, I was advised not to send it at that time, but I am going to now, as there was a couple of things I said about what you deserve which clearly you need to hear (in particular after tonight’s dating disaster).


When I saw you last Friday, it was apparent that you were upset with me, because I hadn’t called or contacted you since the previous Sunday. I am truly sorry that I have done anything that has caused you discomfort or pain.

I thought I have been very clear about where I am in my life, and my feelings about a potential romantic relationship with you, and that you understood and did not disagree with my thoughts on this subject. A few days after the first time we went out, we had a conversation, in which I thought we had agreed that due to a number of factors, including differences in religious beliefs, that it would be best if we were friends, and not in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. My feelings regarding the nature of our relationship have not changed since that conversation.

Obviously, you are attracted to me, which I appreciate more than you can fully realize. However, I know that sort of attraction eventually fades. I was married to someone for nearly fifteen years who is very similar to you. I mean that in the most positive way a person can compare someone to a former spouse. Having been in a relationship with someone like you, I have, I believe, a fairly good idea what would happen in eighteen months or two years, when the attraction you are now feeling fades and you are left with someone who does not share many of your core values. By the end of my marriage, my former wife’s family was openly hostile to me. I did not appreciate being called a “heathen” and worse, or being told that I am going to hell when I die. I don’t know you or your family well enough, and I would like to think that you and your family would always be respectful of my beliefs, as I try to be to the beliefs of others (except when someone tries to force their beliefs on me), but I can’t risk the potential of being hurt again in that way.

Also, I have the tendency of wanting to save people, in the sense of being the preverbal knight in shining armor saving the damsel in distress. It’s not a very healthy way to get into a relationship, and with your current circumstances, I can easily see myself doing something like that with you. That would not be fair to either of us.

As I have said since we first met, I really like you. You are a very smart, funny, charming and kind person. I wish I could be the sort of person you deserve in a romantic relationship, because you deserve a wonderful man who is truly worthy of you in all aspects, but unfortunately, I am not that person. I consider you a friend, and hope you realize how much it pains me to have to tell you this, as I would never want to do anything intentionally to hurt you. It tears me having to do this.

Although I cannot be your boyfriend, I am, and still want to be your friend. You can never have enough friends, as far as I am concerned. I want you to be happy, in love and successful.



Alisha Endre said...

I want to pose two things to you. Firstly... God calls that believers do not unevenly yoke themselves with unbelievers. If you are already saved, seek only those of the same faith.

2 Corinthians 6:14 (NIV) "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"

(The Message) "Don't become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That's not partnership; that's war. Is light best friends with dark?"

Secondly, God ALWAYS gives us a way out!

1 Corinthians 10:13 (KJV)
"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

I know it sucks when someone you likes doesn't want to go there. But thank God for allowing a SMOOTH way out. I had to get into a domestically violent situation to get out of mine!

I love your blog and I pray that God prepares you to be the woman that your husband is on his face praying for.

SavvyD said...

What is important to us as Christians is to take a very close look at the severe damage done to this man who has a very good and kind heart. The behavior of his former wife;s family DID NOT CONVERT HIM and it is DISGUSTING to God. If our greatest law is LOVE, then that family failed miserably.

SavvyD said...

Alisha, even Cristians can be violent and abusive people who make those around them feel like garbage thrugh being judgemental and condemning.

L.C.T. said...

I think that was quite nicely written...

SavvyD said...

Which part? My response to Alisha or Tall's letter. Both, I think. :)

Anonymous said...

I agree with some of what Alisha said. Our greatest commandment is to love others, but you don't know what happened in that marriage. You only know HIS side of the story. Maybe the ex's family was kind and loving towards him and he was the one who didn't show kindness and love to them. They didn't convert him because that's God's job. We Christians are only the cog in a sometimes complicated machine. It may be that God wants him and is working through you, the ex, the ex's family in an effort to bring that man to Christ. But he needs to be open to that idea and right now it doesn't sound like he is, and you may be just the next person in line to witness to him.
Based just on your entries it sounds like you are giving him the benefit of the doubt and not holding him responsible for anything. It takes 2 to make a marriage work. He's 50% to blame for that divorce. Maybe in the end it wasn't Christians who failed him. Maybe they did their best and he wouldn't compromise, capitulate, or whatever because he's just not ready.

On another note, I'm glad to see that all men write the same kind of letter. I got a similar type letter last year and the guy expressed some of the same, crummy wording...you're a great gal, I want to be friends, I'm not ready for what you want..blah blah blah blah barf.

SavvyD said...

I generally believe this one. At some point he said he would like to be married again but religion gives him the heebeegeebees. I understand. Do any of us want to date a Muslim right now? I'd rather not give up Jesus being the Son of God.

I do have issues with being told, yet again, that I deserve someone really special because there are no takers. And that's why I sometimes give chances to guys I shouldn't. He wants me to be happy, successful and in love. I haven't been in love in years. I'm wasn't sure I was in love with my ex-fiance or my other long-term boyfriend, except in retrospect.

SavvyD said...

Interesting...I'm sure he can be disagreeable and is a bit fastidious. I asked him once who the nag was in his marriage. He confessed he was. There is alot I don't know.

Anonymous said...

I do have issues with being told, yet again, that I deserve someone really special because there are no takers. And that's why I sometimes give chances to guys I shouldn't. He wants me to be happy, successful and in love. I haven't been in love in years. I'm wasn't sure I was in love with my ex-fiance or my other long-term boyfriend, except in retrospect.

I completely hear you. I am 31, been single pretty much my entire adult life. But, what do you trust more? god or circumstances? thikn of it this way... you want an awesome guy. Are you acting like you deserve an awesome guy right now? stop giving in to second best.

Even though I've been single for freaking ever, I'm more sure now than i EVER was before that God has someone amazing for me. And I'm ACTING like it. I haven't made out with anyone in years. I don't flirt with guys just to see if I can get their attention anymore. I don't flirt with or chase guys I know aren't quality. I don't 'try to be open to' guys who in reality, I shouldn't be open to.

Not to be cheesy bible girl or anything, but remember abraham and sarah? God told them they'd have a kid. Sarah didn't believe god would really her a kid, so she had abraham impregnate her maidservant. but god DID get sarah pregnant. the maidservant situation caused some major issues.

God loves you and wants great things for you! I swear! But you have to 1. have faith and 2. LIVE in that faith NOW. That means not settling for second best while you wait for first best.

SavvyD said...

I don't have to flirt with them to get their attention either. For some reason I get their attention anyway. But do I have to stop being friendly? With my ex-fiance, he kept looking at me after I walked into class and then made a beeline for me because he thought I was cute. Maybe I'm just insufferably cute. Even Tall who doesn't want to date me tells me I'm cute.

Anonymous said...

so you're cute, great. maybe you do have to stop being nice. or ask some of your guy friends if they think you're being too nice. there is definitely such a thing as 'too nice' with guys.

and surely you are more things than just 'insufferably cute.' smart? fun? caring? kind? great character? i'm guessing you might like to be known for those things too?

SavvyD said...

I actually AM known for all of those other things. My friends KNOW I don't sleep around. We definitely have fun, have witty conversations. Sometimes I just want to be cute.

SavvyD said...

I will ask some of them if I'm being too nice. Though, I don't think I was being too nice in Answering to Men's Sexual Fear post. These are things that men actually worry about--more than just one or two. It's just that I don't like talking about those things unless I know and trust someone or am in a serious relationship.

Alisha Endre said...

Ok I'm back to say that I was not encouraging you NOT to love him with the Love of Christ. that is called AGAPE love. this is the love that does not ask for anything in return. This is the love of Christ. Instead it seems you are 'loving' him to Christ, in hopes that he will want you as his mate! Thats not the love of Christ.

God said in his word that his sheep know his voice. He has given us all free will and you can not coax Tall to become who his ex wife couldn't even convince him to become. ALL you can do is pray, plant or water the seed and let God make it grow.

i do have issues with being told, yet again, that I deserve someone really special because there are no takers.

Savvy, I emplore you as a fellow single woman of God to take a look at what God calls us to do as single women. Read Proverbs 31. The best thing I heard in a while as a christian single said:

A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ, that a man has to seek God to find her.


The bible calls that the MAN who finds a wife, finds a good thing. Your job is not to search for a husband but to draw closer and closer to an intimate relationship with God and ask him to prepare you to be the woman that your husband needs you to be!

Dont feel sorry for yourself! There is NOTHING wrong with being single! You are not alone! Many of us want to be married or in relationships. But if you are a woman called by God and saved, it is unwise to force something that you are not ready for or where the other person is CLEARLY not on the same page as you.

I love reading your blog, it sounds like SO many of us who struggle being saved and single. But I do pray that you realize men want women who dont NEED them. Not that you have to play cold, but the slightest smell of desperation will send a man heading for the hills.

Make sure a man knows he's way lower on the totem pole than Christ your savior and watch how they come flocking! You'll have to beat them off with your bible and prayer!