When Kiki and I frisked Tall at the beer garden, he decided to take my purse and search it for his ipod, thinking we had seized it in jest. That evening he sent me an email response to some issues that we had been trying to work out. I decided email was the best way to get the discussion going. It's way more complicated than I could ever have imagined. In some ways I hesitate to post the letter in its entirety. Tall is so genuine about things that have happened in his life and how he feels toward me, that it is valuable to both the blog as one which discusses Christian dating issues, general issues and my personal history with one of "my men."
I’m home. I ended up driving back to work in hopes of finding my iPod which was sitting in its docking station at my desk! Yep, going senile here.
I know that you had no idea about what was going on inside me, because I didn’t want you to think I was some bitter person, which I really wouldn’t hope I was. I did and do feel terrible that you felt that I was using you, and I fully understand why you would feel that way.
When all of this happened a few weeks ago, and I had gone to the point of drafting something that I had hoped would have explain what was going on from my standpoint. Again, I was advised not to send it at that time, but I am going to now, as there was a couple of things I said about what you deserve which clearly you need to hear (in particular after tonight’s dating disaster).
When I saw you last Friday, it was apparent that you were upset with me, because I hadn’t called or contacted you since the previous Sunday. I am truly sorry that I have done anything that has caused you discomfort or pain.
I thought I have been very clear about where I am in my life, and my feelings about a potential romantic relationship with you, and that you understood and did not disagree with my thoughts on this subject. A few days after the first time we went out, we had a conversation, in which I thought we had agreed that due to a number of factors, including differences in religious beliefs, that it would be best if we were friends, and not in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. My feelings regarding the nature of our relationship have not changed since that conversation.
Obviously, you are attracted to me, which I appreciate more than you can fully realize. However, I know that sort of attraction eventually fades. I was married to someone for nearly fifteen years who is very similar to you. I mean that in the most positive way a person can compare someone to a former spouse. Having been in a relationship with someone like you, I have, I believe, a fairly good idea what would happen in eighteen months or two years, when the attraction you are now feeling fades and you are left with someone who does not share many of your core values. By the end of my marriage, my former wife’s family was openly hostile to me. I did not appreciate being called a “heathen” and worse, or being told that I am going to hell when I die. I don’t know you or your family well enough, and I would like to think that you and your family would always be respectful of my beliefs, as I try to be to the beliefs of others (except when someone tries to force their beliefs on me), but I can’t risk the potential of being hurt again in that way.
Also, I have the tendency of wanting to save people, in the sense of being the preverbal knight in shining armor saving the damsel in distress. It’s not a very healthy way to get into a relationship, and with your current circumstances, I can easily see myself doing something like that with you. That would not be fair to either of us.
As I have said since we first met, I really like you. You are a very smart, funny, charming and kind person. I wish I could be the sort of person you deserve in a romantic relationship, because you deserve a wonderful man who is truly worthy of you in all aspects, but unfortunately, I am not that person. I consider you a friend, and hope you realize how much it pains me to have to tell you this, as I would never want to do anything intentionally to hurt you. It tears me having to do this.
Although I cannot be your boyfriend, I am, and still want to be your friend. You can never have enough friends, as far as I am concerned. I want you to be happy, in love and successful.