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Saturday, October 11, 2008

Boys, Boys, Boys: Boys That Stop Calling

Do bees ever get jealous over a flower? Would a drone (male bee) ever not call? Maybe that's what gets them thrown out of the hive after they mate with the Queen. Not calling, I mean. There is no worse thing a man that can do than just not call a lady. It's awful and hurtful. Ladies always hope for a phone call--a request for another date or at the very least some explanation or comfort--especially if there seemed to be chemistry and interest. The other universal truth is that the more the phone call is necessary, the less likely it is to happen. These are universal truths. Both men and women know them and yet, they are constantly expecting it to be different. And yes, Tall didn't call and darn near broke my heart.

Honestly, it reminded me of Bass. I had just told Tall about Bass and got the impression that he wanted to string Bass up by his toes or perhaps by the mouth like a Sand Bass. He thought it was despicable that he would show up with another girl after he lied to me and just stopped calling me. And yet, he did half of the same.

It seemed that Tall was everywhere--like a bee to a flower. Over time I saw different things in him than I saw at first. We had more in common than I initially thought. He seemed so interested in me. He told me he adored me. We spent time together.

I went to a concert with a group. It was alot of fun. We all then had dinner after and consumed a gallon of salsa with chips.
Savvy: I'm going to take a walk on the pier. I need to settle that food before I sit to drive home.
Tall: I'll go with you.
Savvy: OK, sounds good.
As we walked along, I summarized the men of the previous days. I had just gone out with Tall to a comedy club a few days before though I was barely recovered from being ill.
Savvy: I met some guy on Friday and ended up kissing him on the patio.
Tall: But you wanted me to be there?
Savvy: I really did.
Tall: Then I ended up getting together with another guy and spending the next day with him, but I was thinking it's really nice to spend the day with someone, but I really wish it was the same person all the time instead of someone different.
Tall: And then there's me.
Savvy: I thought you opted out.
Tall: And I thought you did.
Savvy: Well...I don't know. I just said that to make you feel bad.
Tall: Well it worked.

Next thing I knew he stopped in his tracks and pressed his lips to mine.
Savvy: Oh my!
We stopped on the pier and listened to the waves crashing. His arms were around me holding me close. I supposed that jealousy was a motivator in this case. Perhaps this was a new start for us. Perhaps him realizing that I could move on made him want me to be his girlfriend. I imagine he wanted to be the bee with exclusive rights to his delicate flower.

I hate to share what I have learned before I share what happened. I've thought for quite some time that some men won't have a relationship with you unless you are willing to have sex. I didn't have sex with him, though. Not that he didn't want to. But things got more heated than they should have. I thought if I showed him I was willing to learn and try that would make a difference to him. I thought he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Let's just say I was the only one crying.

I left him a cutesy note on his refrigerator after I woke up on the couch. I was so tired. His refrigerator to do list had something about polishing shoes, so I added to it.
Call Savvy
Email Savvy
Kiss Savvy
Take Savvy out


Since he didn't want me to be his girlfriend after all, I stumbled on the balance beam between cute and annoying and fell into extremely annoying. After not hearing from him all week, we were at an beer tasting house party on Friday night. At least he didn't show up with a date like Bass did.

Savvy: I didn't hear from you all week, I thought you didn't want to talk to me.
Tall: I didn't know I was supposed to call.
Savvy: Did you get the note I left for you?
Tall: Yes.
Savvy: Did you like it?
Tall: Actually, I really didn't.


I walked away to sit on the couch and stared at the TV fighting back tears. If felt his hand on my shoulder.
Tall: I know you meant well.
I kept staring at the TV. Finally he went away. I went to the kitchen to see if I could help with anything. Katie kept telling me to smile--she knew about the unfolding drama. I made the oriental salad. Soon I was alone with Tall.
Tall: I didn't want to hurt you and I can see now that I have.
Savvy: Yes.
Tall: I'm sorry. I adore you.
Savvy: I don't even know what that means. You know I don't do things with guys at all. I was convinced you would be a good boyfriend for me and that if I showed you I was willing to try that things would be different.
Tall: I should have said it was a bad idea. I thought about it and then I felt really bad.
Savvy: Well you didn't and you KNOW me. I really needed to hear from you even if you thought it was a mistake.
Tall: I'm sorry dear.


Later we sat on the couch while I was munching on corn on the cob.
Savvy: Being a woman, you know I'm going to want to talk about it.
Tall: I know and that's what I'm hoping to avoid.
Savvy: Do you want some corn?
Tall: No, I really don't like it very much, thank you.
Savvy: Can I shove this cob up your ass then?
Tall: Whatever would make you feel better, Dear.


That was a temporary conversation ended--and yes, not exactly classy. I learned it's not even really about sex, after all, I was willing to try to show him how I feel in a physical way to the extent that I felt like I could. So many people say that having sex with a man is the way to get him to make a commitment. I can see a man not wanting to be in a relationship where he is constantly rejected. Though it's truly not my responsibility that he and his ex-wife stopped having sex many years ago and that he hasn't had sex in a long time. This left deep wounds that are not easily resolved. It's not something an inexperienced girl like me can handle.

After, he said he felt guilty about corrupting a choir girl. I wonder if he would have stopped himself if I had given him the green light to go all the way--something I know would have disappointed a lot of people--to include me. I feel betrayed. He knew it was a bad idea, I thought we were going to be together and yet he used me for what I was willing to give. I didn't think a man who says he adores me would do that to me. I thought knowing him all this time was more of a guarantee against pain. I thought I had won his respect. I thought those things were at least worth a phone call. Had I had any clue, I wouldn't have left him that cutesy note and I certainly wouldn't have been hooking up with him at his place. I thank the Lord for the good sense to say no to going all the way. That would have hurt way worse. I'm glad he ended our relationship, even if it hurt. Perhaps he does respect me too much to continue the relationship, perhaps it's not just fear. Sex is so confusing--and by that I mean being sexual not just going all the way. It really does have it's best place as part of a marital covenant. And either way, a phone call is appreciated. Men know this and still don't call.


10 comments:

Anonymous said...

So many people say that having sex with a man is the way to get him to make a commitment.

Sav, those people are complete MORONS. sleeping with a guy is great way to get him to run for the hills. i think you know that, and that's one of the reasons you haven't. DON'T SETTLE. hang in there. tall doesn't deserve you, and neither did astro.

stop giving second rate guys so much attention!

SavvyD said...

Too true. That was the point of my story. Thanks for getting it. Sometimes it's hard to know that they are second rate until the end. I am also seeing people in rapid succession or simultaneously until it peters out from my boredom with their antics, stupidity or eventual complete lack of interest by noth parties.

L.C.T. said...

Good post. Impressive will power! Silly guy though :(

Anonymous said...

i think it's easier than you think. from reading what you've written here, it seems like you get a guy's vibe when you first meet him, but then decided to lower your standards (ie, you're attracted to him despite the fact he doesn't like you, and he's showing interest, so you reevaluate). your first impression is generally right on. stop lowering yourself to their standards! aren't you getting tired of all this? same scenario, different guy. bleh.

SavvyD said...

I guess alot of people would have gone ahead and done it. I've had female aquintances never become friends because they thought I was too prudish. At least that's my guess--or maybe the reality is that they were too sluttish and if they started telling me their exploits they would feel bad.

SavvyD said...

Hmm....anon. I'll consider that. You make it sound simple and yet it's quite complicated before I started trying to get to know men and trying to give them a chance (poor creatures, they do make mistakes) people were constantly accusing me of being too picky. But then, they've also accused me of being a prude.

I had specific reasons why I gave Tall another crack. I guess we were just talking about different things.

Anonymous said...

I'm a guy and you are right just cause a girl sleeps with me doesnt mean it will lead to a relationship.

However, if a girl does not have sex then there is zero percent chance of a relationship. I think sex should be part of any healthy relationship and most (all) of my guy friends feel the same way.
That is my opinion and if you choose not to have sex thats fine and I hope things work out for you. We all make our own decisions.

SavvyD said...

Hey anon, I get that. It's just a question of timing. I wrote about that and will publish it in a few days time. How long would you wait to get to know someone before hopping in the sack? A day? A week? A month? 2 months? Waiting and unwilling are two different things.

SavvyD said...

And wait--didn't read how I was over at his place and did some things--do you mean I have to go all the way RIGHT AWAY? There can't be steps along the way???

Anonymous said...

so, who are these people who are accusing you of being too picky? the same ones who would tell you that you have to sleep with a guy to keep him? why are you listening to them? they obviously have waaay different values than you.

i learned a long time ago not to take advice from a lot of people. if they don't share your values, than what they say doesn't make much sense.