I keep hearing that God has a plan for my life. Excuse me, but am I the only Christian who has doubts about what God is thinking or conspiring for my life? Why is it that plans have changed for so many of us? What I mean is, why are so many of us single without wanting to be? Is it REALLY GOD'S plan? Or are we just coming up with spiritual rationalizations for a societal neurosis?
I suppose what God really wants is for me to be faithful to him, no matter what happens--whether I'm single or married, male or female, mother or childless, DINK or SINK, rich or poor, healthy or ill. That means no matter what stupid crap people pull at church, no matter if some men are disrespectful, no matter if I don't have a date Saturday night, no matter if all my church "friends" turn their backs on me-- I should be following Him.
The thing is, I'm horribly bad at it; following God.
I've been asking God for help for years. He doesn't seem to be listening. I've been seeking true love for years, trying to find a meaningful career path, a decent boyfriend, to lose the weight that dogs me, to find greater peace and sanity, a church I want to serve in--a church that accepts my gifting and honors it.
For years I was faithful to God, but I wonder if God has been faithful to me. Has He forgotten about me? I feel like I'm still a child in so many ways--single, no boyfriend (plenty that seem to want to use me as a toy--OK, OK and some that respect me greatly but we aren't dating), no children, trying to find purpose and meaning for my life. I long to sit at the grown-up table and to understand what they are talking about.
The married people at church, pastors included, give bad advice. In fact, they look at us and just don't know what to say. So they tell us that God has called us to singleness because still dating when you are grown up is obviously selfish. We should be serving God like the married people. Even though I'm not married, I should be toiling at home waiting for my prince to call on me. He will come by with the magic glass slipper I left at the charity ball for the Christian organization supporting cancer research that fits only me...Oh wait, that's Cinderella. Or the Prince will come magically knocking on my door while I'm romantically spinning yarn for my knitting (from the lambs I raised and fleeced) by the hearth with the light of the setting sun upon my work--the same light I also use to read my Bible. Except that somehow I missed his call because I pricked my finger on the poisoned needle and fell into a deep sleep... Oh, wait, that sounds like Sleeping Beauty. Or that I'll be reading my Bible by candlight--candles that I made from the tallow I melted down--and while I'm engaged in these spiritual pursuits and taking care of seven dwarfs someone slips me a poisoned apple that...wait, that's Snow White! Or that God will magically provide the right person "when I least expect it." I'll be locked away in my room reading my Bible by candlelight again and a Prince will come by and ask me to let down my hair...oh wait, that's Rapunzel!
Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Rapunzel--the Princes found them while they were sleeping in crystal coffins or locked in a tower, so all is not lost for me. The exception is that brazen Cinderella who had the gumption to go find her prince at the ball--with a little help from her friends--and then left something at his place that he had to figure out who it was and return it. Instead of being angry that she left something, he married her!! Or I could try to transform a Bad Boy into a better man through my unselfish love...oops, that's Beauty and the Beast. Some women still believe that fairy tale. We've gone from kingdom to yuppiedom--certainly I'm easier to find in our modern age than most of those princesses!! "When you least expect it" is the fairy tale of modern yuppiedom.
But you see, I don't expect it. I'm used to not expecting it. I've already dated seven dwarfs, a couple of trolls, the Billy Goats Gruff, at least three little pigs, quite a few Beasts, some Big Bad Wolves, an odd bachelor named Jack who kept talking about stealing office supplies from the giants at work, a couple of frogs and the Pied Piper who with dulcet tunes lured women instead of children. And that's just this year!!
Where on God's green earth is that prince??? Kissing all of them did not result in a prince!! At this point, I would be happy with a brave little tailor or brave woodsman--one that might save this poor Little Red from being devoured by a wolf as she is on her way to give her Granny some medicine and read to her from the Holy Scriptures and didn't stop or go off the path--not even once to pick flowers or strawberries or talk to any wolves, frogs, beasts etc.--cross my heart. ;)
I don't think any of us understand. So, God, what's the plan? Is it Africa? Tajikstan? Uzbekistan? Married-stan? If you send me to Africa, can You make it a big city with Jazz clubs? I speak Spanish, how about a Latin American country?--one where I might Tango the night away to evangelize in the name of Christ of course! What do You want anyway? Am I enough all by myself? Do You really want just me? Do you want me here?
Maybe I have low spiritual self-esteem, but I'll take this teeny, tiny mustard seed of faith and keep watering it even though it almost wilts in the hellish cultural heat of our societal neurosis. Right here, right now, right where I am; I'll take it with me in a little pot whereever I go, whereever God sends me, whatever the circumstances, whatever work I'm doing, kingdom or yuppiedom, Prince or not.
DINK-Dual income, no kids
SINK-Single income, no kids
Yuppie--Young urban professional
Yuppiedom--urban area where yuppies live.
OK, I made up SINK.