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Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Let's Dance--Or Not

Dancing was a weekend theme. Friday night I went to a dance with some friends. I coincidentally ran into Becky Sue and our posse as they were walking through the parking lot. What luck! I honked at them to get their attention and they waited for me to park my car.

Soon we were all doing our thing and dancing. I went to talk to a friend who was waiting in line to get a drink. I wasn't sure where our table was--and the posse was scattered.

Wouldn't you know it? I met a man. He was standing right behind her in line and offered me a bite of his pretzel.
Pretzel: What do you think?
Savvy: It's a little spicy. Like jalapeno and cheese or something.
Pretzel: That's what I was thinking.

He seemed to be in his late 40s and very attractive. This turned into a conversation, an offer of a sip of his scotch (a double), and a long discussion. He walked out to the car with me from the hotel so I could get my parking validated. We finally hit the dance floor and my friends gave me the thumbs up because I found someone. In between songs he suddenly kissed me. I was surprised because that was a true stolen kiss. I was neither flirting or anticipating. He told me later that he had been thinking about kissing me as we were talking.

The thing is, even though I kissed him and might go out with him again--after all--what's dinner or a cup of coffee or whatever; I was comparing how he kissed me to my experience with Swing who was so sweet to me and gave me just a little peck on the lips but has left me hanging.

And now Pretzel was kissing me like a vacuum cleaner. I haven't kissed like that since high school. He even licked my face accidentally, I giggled. It reminded me of that episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte tries really hard to make it work with a guy who is a really bad kisser. He wasn't that bad, but there might need to be a few adjustments. He was an inspiration for further writing, though. (It's in His Kiss)

There were things about him that concerned me. He's divorced and has four children, but I thought he might be nice to me.

--------------------------------------------------------------
The date with Pretzel:


He kept talking about coupons to take me to dinner. It was weirding me out. Could he be serious? Yes. I left a message for Becky Sue: Oh no, I think he might be really weird he keeps talking about coupons and said he was going to get an entertainment coupon book so we could go out together. I'm going to order the most expensive thing on the menu. Yikes. Help!

He was an hour late. I've been late before, but never that late for a date. The dinner part was OK. I picked a Japanese steakhouse because they make the food in front of you--an ideal setup for a first date in case the conversation lags. The chef does very entertaining things, makes everyone laugh and if your date goes south, you have other people at the table.

I thought I smelled alcohol on his breath. Did I? That's never happened to me on a date before. He had just driven an hour to see me. Was is possible he drank before he left home? He had talked about drinking with friends a few nights before.

He owns property and fixes everything himself, so his car was loaded with stuff. That much I was OK with, but then we went to a park to hang out after and talk. Pretzel got out of his car. I was shocked. I tried to stay pleasant, I'm not sure if he could tell my deception as I closed my body to him.

Pretz: My friend said I should clean out my car, but I told him you'd understand.
Savvy: Ummm, wow!
Pretz: I can explain everything in here. It's my work car.
Savvy: Um, except for that beer can.
Pretz: Oh, that. Hehe, well, that's just an open container.
Savvy: You mean you drank it on the way over here while you were driving?
Pretz: Yeah, I probably shouldn't have. It wasn't always against the law.
Savvy: So, I understand about the work stuff, but there's alot that's unexplained...like a styrofoam cup at your feet, the stack of coupons you're sitting on, the newspapers on the floor at your feet, all that and more on the other seat, the empty McDonald's cup...ummm, wow.
Pretz: So you think my friend was right?
Savvy: I sure don't want a ride in that thing.
Pretz: My tenants have a joke that I fill my cars up with trash and then I have to buy a new one. But I have to buy a new one only because they break down. And then I have to fix them but I don't have time.
Savvy: I can explain my car--I cleaned my classroom out and I'm still organizing. Wow, it's getting late.
Pretz: So you have to get up early?
Savvy: Yes, well, I'm recording music this summer, I have a concert coming up and I have alot to memorize. I'm going to be substitute teaching so that I have the energy to work on my singing career.
(I didn't dare ask what his condo looked like. I dream of singing a duet with Josh Groban on TV. We just became friends on MySpace. Haha, he doesn't even run the site, it's his people.)
Pretz: Oh.
Savvy: Wow, they turned off the lights. Oh my god, I just saw a mouse.
Pretz: It's nice to be in nature.
Savvy: Something just flew in my hair! I keep thinking the cops are going to drive by and tell us to go home like teenagers.
Pretz: That would be funny.
Savvy: Yes, kind of, wow, I just saw a shooting star.
Pretz: Make a wish.
Savvy: I did, I just can't tell you what I wished for because then it won't come true.
(I wished to go home asap.)
Pretz: You were actually parked right next to my car when we met.
Savvy: Really?
Pretz: But I didn't tell you because I was worried about what you might think.
Savvy: I wish you had been worried enough to clean it out.
Pretz: Is it OK if I tell my friend you were OK with it though? Otherwise he's going to give me a bad time.
Savvy: Umm...sure.
Pretz: I have a story that can top that. My friend had cockroaches in his car. He cleaned his car out, but he asked me for poison so he could kill them. The cockroaches in the car aren't my fault as a landlord, but he's my friend, so I gave them to him.
Savvy: Are you serious?
Pretz: Yeah, well, he set off the bombs in his car and when he was on the date with this girl a cockroach crawled across the dashboard.
Savvy: Please stop, I'm going to be sick.
Pretz: I'm sorry. Then he tried to say he didn't know how that happened, maybe his daughter left food in the car. Then she said she saw another one on his seat.
Savvy: Really, I'm going to be sick.
I started laughing. The schadenfreude!! I couldn't bear it.
Pretz: I'm sorry. Everyone tells me I should see this movie where the guy made friends with all the cockroaches in his apartment--Joe's Place.

Savvy: I used to live in New York, that's not possible, he must have been smoking crack.

He changed the subject to the ladies who gave their testimony at church the night before. For the fourth time, he told me:
Pretz: I've heard everything the guys have said before, and that doesn't shock me. But this little church mouse was telling us all about how she had all these sex toys and that she would go on mission trips and have sex with the natives.
Savvy: Wow, seriously, it's getting late. I have to go to the bathroom.
I lied.
Pretz: If you really have to go, you can always use the bushes.
Savvy: No thanks. Home isn't that far.

Like I really need public urination and indecent exposure on my record as a teacher. Just waiting for the cops to come by at just the wrong time.

We headed back to the cars. Oh, my word! Even though I was grossed out, I still made out with him. Amazingly, his kissing has improved. He's really good-looking and he smelled good, too. I was worried he might be angry with me if I told him what I really thought. I had already said enough.

Pretz: So, I'll give you a call tomorrow.
Savvy: OK... Just so you know, most guys don't want to date me because I want to take things slow and I really want to know a person before I do anything. So I end up having to get rid of them because they get too pushy. In fact, I was raised on waiting until marriage, so I'm really confused. I feel bad about making out with you. You're going to end up with me having to give a testimony over all the bad things I've done and making out with you in the parking lot is one of the things I will have to testify about.
Pretz: We were all raised believing that, but then it got hard. Even that church mouse said that. And she was a really mousy looking!
Savvy: OK, well, goodnight. Remember, take a right turn to get to the freeway.


Yeah, I really want to hear from a freaking alcoholic slob. Oh yes, that's the ticket for the best show in town. A freaking alcoholic slob with four kids--whose own FOUR kids tease for the condition of the interior of his car. Yes, yes, call me.

I saw another shooting star.
My wish: Please don't call!!


SCHADENFREUDE
Pronunciation: \ˈshä-dən-ˌfrȯi-də\
Function: noun
Etymology: German, from Schaden--damage/harm + Freude--joy
: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others

How about enjoyment obtained from my own troubles!???



10 comments:

Jane said...

I laughed the whole time. Omg, he told you to go in the bushes. Golden...thanks for that one. My day at work is suddenly getting better. Cochroaches on the dashboard--how did he find his friends? Did they meet while cleaning their cars out at a gas station? hahahaha

SavvyD said...

Amir Says:
August 6th, 2008 at 5:26 am
Savvy: Scary is not how I would describe your “dating disaster”.

Remember how I once remarked that a reasonable Christian man would question your judgment?

Well…you proved me correct again. Anyone who wishes to show me that I’m wrong is more than free to check out the story and comment here.

Anonymous said...

Ame Says:
August 6th, 2008 at 11:33 am
OH. MY. WORD!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Carrie Says:
August 6th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
I concur with Ame.
That’s . . . ummm. . . don’t know the word for it.
So, you smelled the alcohol, appalled by his car, and you made out with him???
I’m a huge fan of kissing and making out (haven’t done it since I was 14) and I’m looking forward to being able to do it again. However, I’d like to maintain my dignity.

That was harsh, but true.

Anonymous said...

How NOT to Find a Christian Mate
By Amir | August 6, 2008


The following quote from Savvy says it all:

He’s divorced and has four children, but I thought he might be nice to me.
FACT: anyone can be “nice”, especially when they are thinking from below their waistlines. This is empirically true for both men and women.

I promise I have no intent to use Savvy as my proverbial punching bag. Seriously, without her, there is still plenty of fodder in the blogosphere. Unfortunately, she is the one who has called attention to her latest dating disaster.

Time for me to put on my Drill Sergeant Wannabe hat….

She called her experience as “scary”. I call it a tragic exercise in stupidity.

(1) If you want to find a Christian mate, your chances of finding one in a bar are even less than finding one in church.

(2) If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: YOUR IQ IS INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL TO THE SQUARE OF YOUR BLOOD ALCOHOL CONTENT!!! The drunker you get, the stupider you get. And, as that great philosopher–Forrest Gump–says, stupid is as stupid does…

(3) I’m not a teetotaling fundamentalist–anyone who reads these pages knows I enjoy a Guinness one or two times per month–but if we choose to drink, we owe it to ourselves and the Church to do so responsibly. That means (a) set your limits based on your own alcohol tolerance, and (b) stick to those limits. If you cannot do that, then don’t drink!

That also means having a designated driver. That is, unless you have a death wish…

(4) Speaking of death wishes, I am absolutely convinced that Savvy has one. After all, after reading news reports of women who pick men up at a bar–who end up getting raped and murdered later–Savvy obviously doesn’t have much regard for her own safety. Meeting men at a bar, getting drunk, making out with them.

When God was passing out prudence, Savvy was taking a nap.

(5) Speaking of “making out”, what on earth are you smoking, Savvy? I’m not saying that premarital kissing is wrong. I’m no prude by any stretch. But where’s the discretion? Kissing a gal on both cheeks–which I’ve been known to do if I’m on REALLY good terms with her–is a far cry from “making out”. The latter is better described by one word: foreplay.

And don’t get me wrong…as SXM will attest, we’re not about imposing dogmatic commands–otherwise good ideas that the Bible does not command–around here, but we are about prudence.

Savvy is shooting herself in the foot in that department. I am not happy to be saying this.

SavvyD said...

SavvyD Says:
August 6th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Death wish? not so much. I wasn’t drunk and I didn’t meet that one at a bar. It was a singles dance and he goes to church. Just doesn’t walk the walk at all. What was scary about him wasn’t physically threatening. It was the stuff I didn’t find out until the actual date. I was quite prudent actually in terms of meeting him at the restaurant, not having him pick me up at my place. But I have written a reply to be posted tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

Amir Says:
August 6th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
SavvyD: Corrections noted.

On the other hand, what were you doing making out with the guy? That doesn’t strike me as prudent.

When you blog about men and their preoccupation with sex, and yet you are pretty haphazard, making out with guys, it speaks to a level of inconsistency on your part. “Making out” is just another term for foreplay.

It reminds me of a gal I knew in church a few years ago. One night, a whole bunch of us were at someone’s house. She and her b/f were on the couch, engaging in behavior that any red-blooded American male heterosexual–under 100 years of age–would find stimulating. She loved to brag about her virginity.

One night, she was conversing on the phone with me about some matters regarding lust and boundaries. She relayed to me that others were questioning her judgment.

I told her those people had reasonable grounds. “I know if I were Tango Alpha (the guy’s initials), and you were goofing like that with me, I would not be thinking holy thoughts at all. But I WOULD be thinking GLORY GLORY GLORY”

She laughed, but she got the message, too.

SavvyD said...

I was thinking nice on our date also–I dated a man seriously for a few months who had 3 children and he had some wonderful qualities, in the end he also had some not so wonderful qualities.

single/certain said...

ew. he just seems so... skeezy! seriously, why do you even put up with these dudes?

SavvyD said...

I don't. I'm not going out with him again.