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Monday, July 14, 2008

A Ring By Next Spring!!

No, not a ring on the phone, an engagement ring!! I am certifiably annoyed with the holier-than-thou set at church today. A lady who married at the "ripe old age" of 24 gave me an earful about being single--as if she ever really knew what it was to truly be single. Next week she swears she will bring me a book that promises if you do EVERYTHING the book says, you will be married at the end of 6 months. ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!??????

I haven't gone to this church in awhile and I felt really demonized. This "Single at 24" lady asked if I was doing better than the last time I came because, well, everyone was curious about Astro being that I brought him, we were holding hands and then broke up in the church parking lot. One lady in particular got especially curious but turned it into her chance to argue her case for NOT dating.

I brought a copy of some articles from my blog for a guy who had made me fell bad last time I went when I had just broken up with Astro. His first question for me was, Have you considered not dating? Elisabeth Elliot has a great book called Passion and Purity.

Well, I wasn't hiding under a rock. I've been there, done that and bought the T-shirt. I've worn that T-shirt until it fell apart then bought another. In fact, I even redesigned the T-shirt and sold it on ebay. What am I supposed to say to the crap? What's so bad about dating??? Are you going to wait until you want to marry someone to ask them to go for a cup of coffee? That's when a cup of coffee might seriously boil over in your hands from all the pressure! You could turn a lump of coal into a diamond easily and we'll all be rich that way...actually, go ahead then, just please hold a lump of coal every time you pray for guidance and go on these lethal coffee dates. Diamonds are a girl's best friend!

According to 24, I'm supposed to enjoy my single life and go out on group dates. As if I don't!! I should go to Bible study and just enjoy the company of others. As if I haven't!! She enjoyed being single at 24. Gee, who DIDN'T?? Honestly, I was thinking I NEVER wanted to marry, or that I at least wanted to delay it for quite some time. I was engaged at 24 and I was not happy. It's not like guys were chasing me down just because I didn't want to marry and they aren't beating my door down now that I do, though I do have more dates. And I do confess to being tired and taking a little bit of time off--but I won't confess that to them. It's just that I have alot to figure out right now.

Dating is selfish. You are only focused on the other person rather than talking about something else and learning about each other that way. I gave up dating and then I met my husband soon after. I was old and people were all setting me up. I had friends who married at 16.

Where? Tennessee?

I gave up dating and I just gave up dating. I'm still single. So I feel like I have to make up for all the years of not dating by dating. I figured that maybe not dating = not married. All that time of least expecting turned into thinking maybe I should actually open my eyes and look.

What does 24 REALLY know about dating? At 24 how much did she even date? How many guys? How many dates each? How many first dates? How many dreams deferred? How many guys broke her heart? How often does she get prospositioned for sex?

I am a professional dater and I blog about it. I sing. I'm looking for a job right now. I have a life. I have a life alone, sure with God. But all my decisions are by myself, for myself and about myself--and God. It's not what I expected. It's not waht I grew up around. And I have some snot telling me I'm being selfish because I want to get married.

24: What do you want? Sex? Love? Children?
Sav: I guess. What's wrong with those things? You have them?
24: Marriage is no picnic. It's not going to solve all your problems.
Sav: Who said that? I just think 2 are better than one.
24: It's just selfish. You should focus on others, giving.
Sav: But I do! I have alot to give someone. I'm really special. I have alot to offer.
24: Are you even involved in anything? Bible study?
Sav: Sure, when I can. I don't really know where I will be next year and this church is kind of far actually.
(Besides Bible studies are on break over the summer.)
24: God should be first in your life and everything comes from that.
Sav: I'm here, aren't I? It's a start, isn't it?

I really don't see myself dating anyone there and I'm not sure I should even return at this point. I'm curious about the book. I want to blog about it. I've read alot of books people have offered to me. I have a life. It was insulting. Why do I feel like married people talk down to us singles sometimes? Am I the only one who feels that way?

I gave that guy a copy of Biblical Ways of Knowing She's the One and told him it's supposed to be funny. He doesn't have a sense of humor. I also told him I hate the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. He can't figure out why. Not only that, for all his terrific spiritual qualities that everyone else sees, I found him to be dismissive and rude toward me. But that's OK because I'm the spawn of Satan demon dater. Never mind the fact that I have had so many guys break up with me because thy think I'm too religious. *SIGH*

Biblical Ways of Knowing She's the One

Some of you may remember this article from when we were just figuring out that we were single: Singled Out by God for Good by Paige Benton Brown


Anonymous said...

2 things i've noticed from reading most of your posts:
1. Dating is about quality, not quantity. You've dated a lot of guys, sure. But with most of them, you knew it wouldn't work, but you hung around with them still anyway. Why? Many of them are still in the picture... why? You're still hung up on an emotionally unavailable selfish guy who didn't treat you all that great... why?

2. You're stuck in the middle. Secular guys don't want you cause you won't put out. (Conversely, they do put out, so why do you want them?). Solid christian guys who are looking for a solid christian girl (you're pretty close) don't want you because you'll flirt with any guy who gives you the time of day and make out with many of them on a first or second date. So you need to decide which group you want to be in.

And lastly, read passion and purity, though I doubt you'll like it: Elliott is old school and very disciplined; she frowns on kissing outside of marriage and things like girls calling up guys and inviting them to do stuff. A better book for you is probably "How to Get A Date worth Keeping" by henry cloud. That's good stuff.

LadyElaine said...

I really feel for you. Unfortunately, many in the non dating camp fail to understand that courtship is not for everyone. Just because God gives you instruction on your love life specifically does NOT mean that everyone else should do it your way. Even Joshua Harris admitted in his book about courtship that it is not simply about methods, but MOTIVES. You have plenty of people who do everything "according to protocol" and still don't wind up married. This certainly includes those who went the traditional route and those who didn't.

You know, sometimes I wonder---if married people actually got busy tending to their marriages and doing what God told them to do individually, maybe they wouldn't have so much time trying to mind everyone else's business. I am of course, referring to marrieds who somehow believe it is their God-given duty to guide every single that comes across their path to marriage(regardless if single people actually solicited their advice or not).

Hang in there---there are lots of singles who understand your plight. I would recommend that you remind yourself that one smug married person does not mean that the whole group is the exact same way.

Anonymous said...

It's a good book, I would recommend it. I don't know if it would make you stop dating, but it does give one a certain peace about waiting.

SavvyD said...

Oh Anon #1!! Something about Bass spoke to my soul. I've heard the saying "you don't choose who you love" I'm actively trying to unchoose him by giving other people a chance. I don't flirt with every guy!!! How lame!!! And just cause he gives me the time of day? Get real!! And I don't say yes to everyone either. I've read the Henry Cloud. I blogged about that one too. I never made out with Astro. Maybe I was just having fun--OK sort of fun. I'm not a whore for kissing...what 8 guys? One a month or so? What a slut!! Figuring out whether or not it's really going to work takes time. And Anon, you'll have to go back and read some more of my posts. I post what I think, but sometimes I want to give a person enough of a chance before I truly make a decision. And I don't call guys unless they're my friends. Remember my posts about Don't Call Him and The Backwards Ask?

I think I need to find a church that is a little less conservative.

Amir Larijani said...

::::begin rant::::

THAT, hon, is what we singles have to put up with. That we are not married ensures we will get pounded on like we are some [expletive deleted] disease, while if we express a desire to get married we get accused of being self-centered.

WTH do these married people think they are telling us how spiritual they are? I've taught enough Bible studies with them in it, to be able to attest that they are a lot more shallow than they advertise themselves.

::::end rant::::

Amir Larijani said...

Well, Savvy, it seems like the Church is not single-friendly. If you aren't married, they treat you like a deviant; if you express the desire to get married, then you're obviously a selfish person who makes an idol out of marriage. Whatever bong these people are smoking, it can't possibly be legal.

The more conservative ones provide excellent doctrine and preaching of the Gospel, but they tend to treat singles like dog-doo.

On the other hand, the less-conservative ones--while more single-friendly--are a lot more lax when it comes to sound doctrine.

I've been to both types. Let's just say it's a pain in the arse all the way around.

As for Elisabeth Elliot, I've got no gripe with her personally; on the other hand, we do not live in the 1930s either.

I'm not sure she has a clue what singles are having to deal with; if she does, she still hasn't a clue how to resolve this. I don't blame her for that: if I had the perfect solution, I'd be writing the books and you would be buying them.

As for anon, I cannot answer for what he (or she) was observing, but there are times where you appear to be looking in the wrong places--or not looking but happen to meet 'em in the wrong venue--and you wind up going farther than what seems appropriate because either (a) you haven't established boundaries or (b) you were too drunk to care.

That hardly makes you a slut; on the other hand, there are times where a reasonable Christian guy would question your judgment.

Steve said...

You might find my blog interesting:

I Kissed Dating Goodbye: Wisdom or Foolishness?

There have been various problems with his approach that have occurred even at his own church that Josh Harris doesn't share anywhere. Josh even observed problems with his approach at his own church that he fails to mention on his own website.

I also question how appropriate "kissing dating goodbye" is for all ages. It might be appropriate for some teenagers but less appropriate as singles get older.

Just because something worked for him when he was a teenager doesn't mean it is the solution for everyone.

Miss Etiquette said...

Wow. She sure was full of herself. Little Miss Married at 24. I guess given how much she's experienced she just knows it all. Ugh. People like her are annoying. Why do you need to be all in someone else's business? One of my co-workers is like her, she's fully in the non-dating camp. I don't have a problem with not dating (I'm not dating now) but I don't see anything wrong with dating either, esp. if it's done properly. I mean, yes, you have to be really careful so you don't fall into the sex trap or waste your time but it can be done.

I don't think you should go back to that church. It's not so much about them being conservative as it is them being rude, pushy, and obnoxious. You need a church family that's going to uplift you and encourage you in Christian love to be a better person. You do not need people that are going to make you feel bad.

Jane said...

Its hard to find cool guys to date. Too many losers out there. I love my boyfriend very much but at times he has his loser moments. Lol my relationship has had its turbulance...who hasn't. The funny thing is all my friends who get whored out and smacked around by guys, try to give me advice and tell me what I'm doing wrong...ugh! My friend from my latest post told me its too early for me to be in love, but when I tell her its too early to be sucking everyone off...she gets mad. Can't win. Lol bottom line. PEOPLE NEED TO MIND THERE OWN DAMN BUSINESS! I'm gladim not single anymore...not because I've found some and all that blah blah lovey dovey bs, but because I can't stop hurting guys feelings. MAN AM I COLD BLOODED! Losers need to learn their place...never settle.

Anonymous said...

I understand where you're coming from. I agree, what does '24' know about being single? Please. Being single at 24 is a breeze, it's fun because you've got a whole lot of other singles.
What makes me angry lately is how every internet site geared towards singles seems to focus on dating. So, why is it that when half the population is single, it's still treated like a temporary condition? I don't think that 42 years can be considered a TEMPORARY CONDITION! As if all singles are desperate to get married. I want to get married, but only if it's right. I'm trying to wait on God but He seems to be taking an awfully long time. Don't I get any credit for not marrying the first man who came along? Don't I get any credit because all through my 20s and 30s I was like you said, perfectly happy to not be married? I did all kinds of things; I bought my own place, took vacations on my own, and lived the single life. But, when you've eaten pizza every day for years, you get kind of tired of it and want something else. Everyone says, oh, but you're so lucky. Well, I wouldn't really know that for sure, now would I? And stop being so jealous because my income is all my own!! I didn't tell you to get married to that lazy good for nothing bum! Now all those people whose weddings I went to are unhappy. All I'm getting is propositioned for sex by married men. Single men look through me as though I don't even exist. I'm fed up with it. If I'm not careful I'm going to turn into a very angry, bitter woman.
Not long ago I made a commitment to God that I wouldn't try to figure it out anymore, that I'd give it all over to Him. Some days I do a better job of it than others. I have heard recently that God is a jealous God and He wants us to want Him more than we want anything else, including a man. Okay, I'll buy that, but now I'm wondering, do I love my cat more than Him? Is He going to kill my cat?
Sorry, this post sounds like I'm a grumpy, frumpy Christian, but I'm actually pretty nice and come across cheerful (believe it or not) and not at all angry. Your post just struck a nerve.

SavvyD said...

When I was talking/arguing with her, I told her several times that we are dealing with a societal problem, not just a church problem. I also said I felt like I was speaking out for all singles.

I knew this struck a nerve with me, I didn't realize it would strike such a nerve with everyone else!! Thanks for all your comments!!

Also, I've had a few things that happened in my own journey in the past 2 years that made me hesitant to go back to my faith. And yes, Amir, sometimes I was drunk. Being in an accident put me on alot of meds!! It's the synergystic affect of alchohol.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Anonymous #1 about #1 and #2, based on what I have read on your blog. Based on the content you have written, I sense that your unrest about being single in the future has fueled your judgement and that it has impacted the way you view the opposite sex. I think that you have given away a lot of power to the men who happen to come across your path by engaging in premature intimacy (yes, kissing qualifies as such)with them. What is the worst outcome that can come from being single the next year, or in the next five years? How do you view yourself as a woman? As a single woman? What is so bad about being single past age X?

SavvyD said...

De facto nun? NO!! Not me! Mouse! I have missed you. I get alot of attention, it's true, but it's more like the variety that AF says--I always have a twinkle in my eye like I'm up to something. He actually knows me IRL.

I address that stuff you mentioned in BOTH My Non-Dating Dude and in To Flirt or Not to Flirt. I'd rather be making some mistakes than trying to be some kind of de facto nun. Again--remember how I can make decisions without a date-- No Date Required. I am dating because I want to. I already did the non-dating thing. I'm over it.

Emily said...

I don't think that forsaking physical affection with the gender you are attracted to is becoming a de-facto nun, or priest, but I do understand your point of view. People who enter the clergy make a vow of chastity that is assumed to be terminal. People who do not enter a vocation where they are making a terminal vow of chastity simply choose to forsake physical affection until they are in a stable relationship where there is parity of intentions and attraction. For me, forsaking physical affection has helped me clearly dilineate the line between friendship and romance. To what extent have repeated mistakes enhanced the quality of your life? I haven't kissed dating goodbye (yuck), but because seeking a relationship actively has been a source of anxiety for me, I have a very hands off approach in the romance spectrum. I don't want to bore everyone, so if you want a thorough explanation, just shoot me a comment on my blog and I will send you an email.

The cup is half full of something I don't like said...

As you commented on my blog, being single isn't so bad. If you want to be further scared off the parenthood rout, check out miss malady on my blog roll. She's done a couple of new parent cartoons on her site that crack me up. The should be required reading for every 15 year old.

Emily said...

Oh, just to avoid confusion. emily = exchurchmouse. I just sign in with google/blogger when I am too lazy to sign into wordpress. Sorry.