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Wednesday, April 23, 2008

What's to Become of Me?

Every single has to make choices in his or her life. Fortunately or unfortunately, the decisions are yours and yours alone to make. I am faced with another job search. I don't know where I will end up. I don't even know how to to choose where to go by myself. I had no idea I would be making so many decisions all by myself.

Not too long ago, I had a job working just a few miles away from where Bass lived, but we didn't know each other then. Perhaps things might have turned out differently at work had I had him as a boyfriend (or even a friend) and been able to stay at his place. The drive would have been so easy (5 minutes) and might have been able to save me from the torture of the variable commute stuck in traffic--anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half. I had hopes of moving closer to him if I had to find another teaching job when he said, Wow, you were so close to me. Fantasize all I want, I didn't know him and when I did know him, he ended up being a jerk.

I feel so directionless. Am I the only single who has endured a parent or two saying When I was your age, I had two children, a house and a husband? Even a guy I was dating hammered me with, You're so immature for your age. When my mom was your age she had two kids, a house and a husband. It makes me feel like I contribute nothing to the greater good if I don't have two kids, a house and a husband.

Do people really think that all I have to do is say yes to some guy who asks me to marry him? Do they think I've chosen to turn down all of these nameless, faceless guys? Seriously, what kind of bizarre fantasy world do they live in? I have only had one guy ask me to marry him and we were not compatible.

I try, but it seems so difficult to form stable, lasting relationships with mutual interst, compatibility and attraction. Bass was overly attentive and broke my heart. Astro is hardly attentive so the stakes are low if he decides to stand me up on Friday. It makes me long for New York a little bit. At least there I KNEW I had signed up for living a bohemian existence.

I feel like a feather being blown in the wind. I don't know how long I will float or where I will land.


Amir Larijani said...

I understand, and it's not a pretty situation. You can't find a Christian guy; I've had difficulties finding a Christian gal. (I've got someone I'm chasing now, and I'm hoping that works out.)

Churches can be a pain, but--then again--seeking fellowship outside the church isn't all it's cracked up to be either.

I know you had--recently--expressed discontent with the church. Have you found a new church home? Are you attending regularly? Do they at least have folks in your age bracket?

In your current situation, you sure could use some help and encouragement from a local Body.

SavvyD said...

Well, actually, Astro is a Christian. I am supposed to visit his church next weekend. I have to confess that I haven't been to church since Christmas. That church experience was a bit of a disappointment. The choir director was REALLY MEAN.

Amir Larijani said...

Well, my friend, there is at least a major part of the problem: being out of church. Bad juju.

I'm sorry that the choir director at your last church was a jerk. However, abandoning the church is tantamount to shooting yourself in the foot because you have an axe to grind with someone else. It harms you, it harms the Body, and no one wins.

I would also submit that eschewing the Body is also a lot like drinking alcohol to excess: just as your blood alcohol content robs your judgment, "forsaking the assembly of the Saints" perpetuates the same erosion in judgment.

You need to take this as a wakeup call to repent and return to your First Love.

At the end of the day, this is not about another job, or a boyfriend, or a husband--and don't get me wrong, those are all legitimate needs, desires, and aspirations--but rather about you and your relationship with the Savior.

Jules said...

I can really sympathize here. I am a single Christian in my mid-20s and I truly feel like I'm being looked down upon for not frantically trying to find someone to marry me. I'd rather be single than end up in an unhappy marriage. I know WAY too many people who are stuck in them or are getting divorced when they are only a year or two older than me. I'm not going to get married just because I'm told I'm supposed to. Thankfully my parents are supportive of that and they've told me on many occasions. Hopefully there is a guy out there for you (or many guys out there). Don't settle for a loser just because.

On a different note, I haven't read much of your blog, but I noticed in the other comments to this blog that you had a bad experience with a church. I can also relate to that. Long story short: I went to this one small church my entire life as had my mother and a lot of my family. Another bigger church took over and my family was pushed out. This event, combined with some other things that were happening, caused me to lose faith in the church and my relationship with God was horrible for awhile. I made some incredibly bad mistakes and I've realized that I really need Christian fellowship in my life. I think it makes us all stronger. So good luck finding a new church. It's been about 7 months and I'm still struggling to find something so I really understand it.