Wednesday, April 23, 2008
What's to Become of Me?
Every single has to make choices in his or her life. Fortunately or unfortunately, the decisions are yours and yours alone to make. I am faced with another job search. I don't know where I will end up. I don't even know how to to choose where to go by myself. I had no idea I would be making so many decisions all by myself.
Not too long ago, I had a job working just a few miles away from where Bass lived, but we didn't know each other then. Perhaps things might have turned out differently at work had I had him as a boyfriend (or even a friend) and been able to stay at his place. The drive would have been so easy (5 minutes) and might have been able to save me from the torture of the variable commute stuck in traffic--anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half. I had hopes of moving closer to him if I had to find another teaching job when he said, Wow, you were so close to me. Fantasize all I want, I didn't know him and when I did know him, he ended up being a jerk.
I feel so directionless. Am I the only single who has endured a parent or two saying When I was your age, I had two children, a house and a husband? Even a guy I was dating hammered me with, You're so immature for your age. When my mom was your age she had two kids, a house and a husband. It makes me feel like I contribute nothing to the greater good if I don't have two kids, a house and a husband.
Do people really think that all I have to do is say yes to some guy who asks me to marry him? Do they think I've chosen to turn down all of these nameless, faceless guys? Seriously, what kind of bizarre fantasy world do they live in? I have only had one guy ask me to marry him and we were not compatible.
I try, but it seems so difficult to form stable, lasting relationships with mutual interst, compatibility and attraction. Bass was overly attentive and broke my heart. Astro is hardly attentive so the stakes are low if he decides to stand me up on Friday. It makes me long for New York a little bit. At least there I KNEW I had signed up for living a bohemian existence.
I feel like a feather being blown in the wind. I don't know how long I will float or where I will land.