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Sunday, April 6, 2008

Bass, the final frontier...


This is getting ridiculous. Bass is here even when he's not here. He's out of town and his perfume fills the air. More like his unsavory swirling stench...


The evening wasn't all bad. I went to a party and met a guy who is 6'8" and has a roommate who is 4'10". I'm only 5'2". He sings second bass--crap. Bass!! In any case, he is a classical singer and astrophysicist who plans to go through Officer Candidate School for the Air Force. He said he had to slouch 3 inches to qualify. Seriously, he really does have a PhD in astrophysics. It was annoying when he explained what it is. Duh! Like I've been to JPL and worked for a summer science camp and met astronauts. I studied geology and geography in college. I took a class on the solar system--OK it was all math and I bombed miserably and I would do worse in quantum physics. But that's obviously not the ONLY thing in life I don't understand. We sort of hit it off. I think he might be a player though. He was talking to an older woman who later texted him You are yummy. Whatever.

Let's call him Astro. He asked me out to lunch. I really can't take anyone seriously. The phrase All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise permeates my being now after Bass since I reviewed a book by that name in Books Nice Girls Shouldn't Read. In any case, we found out the end result, but the journey was so much fun (NOT!)

Pops was at the party. The thing I realize now is that people do and say dumb things after a few glasses of wine. All of us were a bit tipsy at the progressive dinner I went to a few Mondays ago. Pops said some dumb things too. He was a little bit distant. I was actually flirting with him a little...but the thing is he knows it won't go anywhere, so that explains the distance. Plus, I had my guard up because I only had one glass of wine and a few sips of a lychee martini that I didn't like. I was threatened with Jagermeister when I scratched on the 8 ball but managed to get out of it. (Yes, this guy whose house it was has a pool table in his living room.)
Pops: We were worried about you. Everyone was.
Sav: Thanks. I learned to read the warning labels on medicine. I was taking cough medicine and musicle relaxers.
Pops: That'll learn ya.
Sav: Yes. For sure. I've never felt that awful in my life. I thought everyone was mad at me. Everyone was worried about me?
Pops: Someone said they would make sure that you got home OK.
Sav: Really? Who?
Pops: I think it was that guy you were seeing.

Huh? Bass? Bass said that? I don't know what to believe.

I pulled Becky aside to tell her the unfolding drama from after she left pool on Monday.
Savvy: And the next thing I knew Bill's tongue was in my mouth after telling me I should forget Bass...Pops was the one who hit on me. I'm so confused.
Becky: Oh my god, are you serious! You're soooo like me, sister. You pulled a Becky at the progressive dinner.
Savvy: Oh Becky Sue! What am I gonna dooooo???


I talked to yet another guy for awhile, but didn't sense any connection, though he seemed nice. I decided to check out a karaoke event I knew was happening with some aquaintances. I hesitated a bit because I can't sing from all the coughing I've been doing, plus it was the same karaoke place that I went to with Bass and Xtina when I found out Love is...Just Like High School I was also worried that Bill might be there. He wasn't.

This pretty older blonde lady, Vera, was there. She had been on the beach bike ride Easter Sunday. She asked me how it went after she went home.
Vera: I was dealing with my daughter's bike and there was something wrong with it. I had to give up after that hill.
Savvy: It ended up being me and 5-no 6 guys at the end. We went and got smoothies. They waited for me and then seriously we waited for longer to see if anyone else was coming. He asked about you.
Vera: He asked about me?
She got all shy. He didn't ask about her in a special way, just wondered if she turned back.
Savvy: Do you like him?
Vera: Yes. He saved me like 4 times during the bike ride. I just feel like we have a connection like when we were at bowling that one time--you were there too.
Savvy: Yes. Bowling... Have you exchanged numbers? Have you gone out?
Vera: No. He hasn't asked for my number, but I haven't volunteered it. One time -he knows I'm a postal worker- he said 'I thought of you when I went to my mailbox.' That's so sweeeet!! We've just been at a few things together and I liked him right away after 5 minutes.
Savvy: Yeah...listen... a guy doesn't need you to volunteer your number. If he's interested in you, he'll ask you out.
Vera: Do you think he's a player? I mean, you know he's in a band, right?
Savvy: Actually, I know all about that...
Vera: Have you been to the band's website? The bald guy in the band is really hot, too. Is he single?
Savvy: Yeah. He is. 3 out of 4 of them are.
Vera: I visited the website with my daughter and she thinks Bass is the only decent one.
Savvy: No, you're right about Baldy. He's hot.
Vera: Do you think they're all players? You know what they say about guys in bands. But I can't help it, I just like guys in bands.


She giggled a little and looked shy again. I've been a professional performer so I'm not as impressed by Bass. Just jealous. He was in the right place at the right time for an enviable career. But is it enviable when he says he is so lonely? That's why I got out of performing. I want to slap Vera.

Savvy: Vera, you should know the truth. Bass is not a nice guy. When you thought you were connecting with him, I met him for the first time at bowling and then I dated him for a month. He lied to me about things. We were also supposed to do something together with Xtina and he brought a date.
Vera: He did? That's mean. What was she like?
Savvy: She was pretty, she looked like she could be his cousin.
Vera: Maybe they were cousins.
Savvy: They could be, you can marry your cousin in 25 states. But it was definitely a date. I saw him kissing her.


I almost added 3 feet from where you are now seated. Someone took a picture of them together. He was supposed to take me to karaoke, not her. We were going to be the cool kids. Me, Bass and Xtina...bestest friends forever. Xtina and I haven't spoken either. The memories of that first spring break weekend still smart.

Vera: Were you guys exclusive?
Savvy: No, but I thought that would be our next discussion, not him showing up with a date.


I didn't want to belabor the point by explaining every detail and exactly how much he was texting me. Him asking about my schedule and saying Good, you can finally spend time with me. And you're a teacher. We can spend all of spring break together. We can spend all summer together. We can go swimming all day if we want. We'll have our own private group for two...

Vera: Maybe she was his exgirlfriend?
Savvy: No, I've seen a picture of his ex.
Vera: Well you weren't exclusive.
Savvy: We had an amazing first date, probably the best I've had with anyone. I've been a professional musician, I teach choir and piano. We have amazing amounts of stuff in commmon. We had alot of fun. This is a really small group. Why would you trash something when you have so much in common with someone? You shouldn't crap where you eat. That's why I think you should know the truth.
Vera: That's why I don't date guys from work. Was it really a date? Did he pay for stuff?
Savvy: Yes.
Vera: Maybe you should talk to him. Find out why.
Savvy: We don't talk anymore.
Vera: But you should just ask him why. Get closure.

Quite frankly, maybe it's more fun to talk bad about him. Not really fun per se but he's a menace to women in our group. We aren't friends, so I can say whatever I want about Bass. They deserve to be warned. If he's going to play social inexperience cards, then here's his come uppance. If you misbehave, you get talked about.

Savvy: We've already tried to talk. You don't do the things he did to me. We don't talk anymore. But now it's all confused because Bill put the moves on me after telling me that Bass is a player.
Vera: Really? Wouldn't that be great if you guys got together after what the fortune teller said at the Valentine's party?
Savvy: How did you know about that? Did Bill tell you?
Vera: I was there when she pulled you two together and said you have what each other needs. That's soooo romantic.

More like soooo barfy. My impression of that is recorded for Bachelor #3 in No Date Required.

Savvy: That's not going to happen, though. I don't like what Bill did. I don't like him like that.

Vera: That's too bad.
Savvy: Do you still like Bass after all I've told you?
Vera: Well, I just don't want you to be mad at me if I go out with him.
Savvy: Well, sweetie, I'm not going to be mad at you. You can have him. I'm done with him. I just want you to know what you're up against.
Vera: I've already had a daughter and I feel like I'm done. I asked him if he would date an older woman and he said yes, if he felt a connection. I'm three years older than him--40. I just look a little older because I'm always in the sun.
I thought she was in her mid 40s but guessed 38 to be nice.
Savvy: You should wear a hat. They have those USPS ones.
Vera: I haaate hats. I can't help but think about him. I just know that he's never been married and he might want kids.
Savvy: He already had a talk with another lady about not wanting to date anyone with kids. He's also really immature. I was willing to put up with it because we had so much in common.
Vera: Do you have kids?
Savvy: No, so that didn't matter.
Vera: Maybe it's a competition thing. That lady liked him. I like him. You liked him.
Savvy: It took some convincing with me, but now I can't help wondering if he was only after sex.
Vera: Wow, so he hit it and quit it.
Savvy: No, he begged me to stay and I didn't. He said it was because he was lonely not to have sex, but I really can't believe him after all the other stuff that happened.
Vera: I did notice he's a little immature. I mean, he kept talking about his grandmother the whole day and he had those bows and ribbons on his bike still. I wondered if he was a mama's boy.
Savvy: All day? He takes care of his grandma because she lives closeby.

I thought the ribbons and bows were funny. It was a gift. I'm leaving them on there. He told me when I first saw the beach cruiser parked in his garage. Bass asked me if I thought it was gay like others in the group said when teasing him. It was really amusing to me when he admired a little girl riding her fringed bike. He told me if the airport in his hometown were worth anything, he would live with his parents in a heartbeat. He did tell me all about Grandma, but not all the time.

Savvy: Do what you want. Just think about it carefully. I won't be mad at you. I don't care if you talk with him about what I said to you. I honestly don't. You're a pretty lady, you have a nice body. You deserve better, you deserve someone who can partner with you. You deserve someone who can relate to your daughter. It's really cold, I have to go. Good night. Think about it.

I don't cry over Bass anymore. I don't feel victorious. I feel sorry for her. I can't even be friends with her because she's, for lack of a better word, dumb. She can't say I didn't warn her. She probably won't heed my warning. He's obviously just being friendly. He's obviously a little bit of a talker. I say all kinds of crap, too. When I was leaving the karaoke bar, the KJ (karaoke jockey) invited us all back.
Savvy: You know I'll be back. I fell in love with you.
He looked pleased and surprised

Maybe we're living parallel lives, Bass and I. I was part of another group where I was accused of turning the guys on just to turn them down. I've had my moments with Bill and who knows who else that I wasn't aware of. I guess I'm a talker, though not much of one. He says things that women find appealing like talking about how whoever he marries might like to fix up his house so he leaves it how it is. Barf. But isn't it the same sin when I was comparing the top edge of my sexy underwear with a girl in line for the bathroom?

Maybe Bass and I are both full of it. Maybe I need to conquer the Bass within.

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