Sunday, March 23, 2008
Love is...Like A Hurricane
Life is so confusing. So is love. I'm not sure I know what love is. That's why I started this theme.
My relationship with Bass has been like a hurricane.
Will flowers bloom after Hurricane Bass?
Easter Sunday's theme is resurrection and rebirth. It's usually closely tied to Spring and renewal after winter. A large group of us got together for a beach bike ride. I swear I was going to go to church, but I confess I didn't. They changed the time of the service at the church where I used to go, so it didn't work out very well. I feel so heathen. I figured on most of the group being Jewish and delinquent Catholics. I was hoping some of us might attend church together after the bike ride. But it didn't happen that way either.
Xtina called to find out if I was still going because she was concerned it would only be a group of four--Xtina, another guy, me and Bass of all people.
Savvy: Oh my God. Noooooo! How's THAT for drama???
Xtina: You better behave yourself.
Savvy: Don't worry. I will. I did pretty well on Friday, didn't I?
Xtina: Yes, I have to admit you did.
Savvy: Mike totally hates him.
Xtina: I know. He told me he doesn't understand why you like him when he has no personality.
Savvy: He was different with me. He came out of his shell with me.
Xtina: Maybe he was overwhelmed. He was still a jerk.
Savvy: At some point I'm going to have to talk to him to keep the peace.
Xtina: I don't think you should bother. It doesn't seem like he's able to give you what you need. Just move on.
Savvy: It'll be OK, I know how to have fun no matter what. I've been wanting to do a beach bike ride for a long time.
I ignored him as best I could. But I smiled at him briefly when I came back from placing my parking permit on my car. I was really flustered and hyper from having had extra-strong coffee. I did have fun singing every possible song I knew from the soundtrack of Grease and every oldies song I knew. Every time I passed Bass or he passed me, I just couldn't say anything. I'm usually really friendly with people and hugged others in greeting. I even hugged 3 guys at the restaurant who just looked huggable. They thanked me because they thought it was so sweet.
I sat at the other end of the table from him when we had lunch. He seems so lost in the crowd. He hardly talks to anybody. How can he be so shy and have done something so mean???? I started to feel guilty about shunning him and talking about him. Becky and I have similar personalities and she said: See if he ever gets invited anywhere else. This is just too small of a group for anyone to do stuff like that. I never imagined he was the type who would do something like that! I felt bad. I could have taken him with me to stuff and...SIGH. I still ignored him.
When we came back from lunch, the group split. More than half went home, worn out after biking.
Xtina: Who's up from continuing on? I have to leave to see family, but you can keep going.
Savvy: I'm in! I paid for all day rental and all day parking. I'm gonna go for all it's worth.
Several others chimed in. Bass said nothing, but rode on with the much smaller group. Others fell out and turned back. Bass rode way ahead of me at one point. I puzzled things out on my own. Something about him still touches my heart. I don't like being angry at someone. Things would never be the same again. I was hurt. But I can't hold a grudge.
I ended up with a group of 5 guys. Bass, Joe and 3 really serious bike riders. We waited for some time. They congratulated me on making it. I seriously thought I was on my own. I was glad to see Bass again. I wanted to at least try to talk. I pointed at the basket on his beach cruiser. The one he showed me in his garage.
Savvy: Can I have some of your sunscreen? I missed a spot.
Bass: Sure. Yes, of course. You've got a serious farmer tan going there!
Savvy: I love being the only girl with 5 guys! Seriously, let's all go get water. That drinking fountain water was awful. Pleeeeease!
The gas station was locked, so we went to a restaurant that was open. Everyone got smoothies. I didn't feel hungry. I barely ate from all the stress today. Some of this conversation is from when we were still biking. Some when we were standing by my bashed in car.
Savvy: Everything's different now. I trusted you before and now I don't. Being friends is about trust and keeping your word. You've been a little short on that.
Bass: If we had dated for a long time and things hadn't worked out, we wouldn't have been able to be friends. But now we have a real chance to be friends forever.
Savvy: We were never friends. We jumped right into dating. I don't know if I can do that. I don't even know what I want anymore.
Bass: I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean to be mean. I didn't know you were going to be there. You didn't text me back. We were having alot of fun. You were the fun one. I'm actually a boring guy. You're so theatrical, you made it fun.
Savvy: Was that all it was? Fun?
Bass: I'm actually not casual about dating. I'm not a bad person I'm really not.
Savvy: If I truly thought you were evil, I wouldn't be talking to you right now.
Bass: You were the only person I was dating when we were together. It was special to me. I liked texting you and calling you and having someone I care about.
Savvy: Am I really your only friend in the group? It seems like I'm the only person you really talk to.
Bass: I do talk to others, but I really don't have friends. There's the guys in the band when I'm on the road, and some people I haven't called in two years, but I've only just started to be really social.
Savvy: See, I thought maybe you made that up. Late bloomer?
Bass: Yeah. I didn't have my first kiss till I was 19.
Savvy: You're going to have to get over that. It's not that unusual.
Bass: I think my worst mistake was not coming to see you on Sunday.
Savvy: You should have still come by even if it was just as a friend. I didn't want to go to the concert. It was too long and I had just had that accident. That and Friday.
Bass: What should I have done Friday? I've never had anything like happen. I didn't handle it well at all.
Savvy: You should have cancelled and done something else with her. What if I had been hanging on all week and thought you were going to be there by yourself?
Bass: Xtina kept telling me to call you and I didn't want you to be left out.
Savvy: I didn't text you back because I was mad at you.
Bass: I thought you might be.
Savvy: Us becoming friends is going to take time. I have to know that you will keep your word and do what you say you will do. I've never had guys tell me the things that you told me, so I thought you were really serious. You said you wanted to spend all summer with me. And other things that guys don't say. I'm so confused.
Bass: They don't? I told you what I felt. And I really meant those things. We can still hang out, but we shouldn't be kissing anymore.
Savvy: You invited me to stay over.
Bass: I did that because I'm lonely. I just wanted you to stay with me, not have sex. I'm still lonely.
Savvy: I didn't know that.
Bass: But then how smart am I to get involved with that girl when she lives in Canada?
Savvy: Canada? Yeah. That'll work.
Bass: I'm not good at confrontation. I didn't know what to say. I didn't mean to hurt you, but I see that I already did.
Savvy: Maybe I should have taken more time after I broke up with my boyfriend. I was really vulnerable. He really moved things fast and I wasn't ready. Then I found out he had herpes and had slept with 28 people. And then he was angry alot. My cousins were worried about me and begged me not to go back to him when we broke up.
Bass made a face. Wow. That's alot. You did the right thing. You're really good. Alot of people are promiscuous and we're trying to do the right things. You're really sexy. You'll be with someone else soon. You're so young. You're great.
Savvy: Would you still want to date me if I would let you?
Bass: Not at this point. I just think in the long run, we're better as friends. I've still got a lot of growing up to do. If I keep growing, maybe in 10 years I'll finally get married. Who knows. Sometimes I feel like I might be choosing singleness over getting married. I don't know.
Savvy: I don't know either. I don't know what I want.
Bass: I'm really glad we were able to talk like this.
Savvy: Me too. Well, I'm holding you up from being with your grandma. It's just different. It's going to be hard. It's going to take time. You've hit me like a storm from the moment we met.
We parted ways without touching. My arms were folded across my chest. At some points in the the conversation I wanted to hug him and kiss him. I wanted to start again. I wanted to feel the way I felt when we met.
I texted him later:
Xtina knew I was coming as of Mon. Maybe she was hoping we would work things out so she didn't tell you she knew. She thot u were bringing a guy friend. U might want to talk 2 her at some pt cos she wan't happy about it. This is just like high school.
I am so confused. I wanted more at one time. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I thought he was going to ask me to be. I don't know how to be friends with him. We didn't start that way. I don't even know what I want in general. What I want to do in life. Some of me wants to go back to performing. If only he knew how difficult it's been for me to find someone I like at all. If I weren't so hurt, I would still be attracted to him--even with his obvious lack of social savvy. We still have all those things in common. I don't know what anything means anymore.
I do know that I want to be with someone special. I felt such a storm inside me when I met him. I'm sad and lonely too. I truly did feel very special at times with Bass. I've been crying, but I don't know why anymore. I've been through so much in my personal life that has nothing to do with dating. But I'm also sad about dating. I've always been good at being on my own. So has Bass. In some ways we're so alike, in others so different. Why did he have to meet that Canadian girl and wreck what we could have had? I'm crying because I don't know that I will ever be with someone who made me feel the way he did when things were good.
I will never forget the time Hurricane Bass rolled into my life.