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Saturday, March 22, 2008

Love is...Just Like High School

What's the game called if you BOTH bring dates to an event? And what's it called if you talk things out while your dates are waiting?

I know!! High School!!

Mine wasn't really a date, though. High school can be alot of fun, but it's also full of really awful moments. Let's go back to Grease. Sandy and Danny have a wonderful summer together. They run into each other in the "real world" of high school. They start going out again. Danny acts like a jerk. Sandy goes for Roger. Danny tries to impress Sandy to win her back. She dumps Roger in a heartbeat. Danny dumps Sandy at the Prom. Sandy pretends to be a bad girl to get Danny back.

My life seems to be alot like high school right now.

Xtina told me Bass was bringing a guy friend to our karaoke night.
Really? I'm glad he has friends. He told me he didn't have any.
Cool. I imagined myself flirting with both of them since my date was no longer really a date. (He decided to cancel on dinner and showed up a bit late. Later he made me pay for my own dinner to drive the point home.)

That imagination was stopped cold when Bass walked in with a GIRL. She was tall and pretty and they sort of matched. Cousins? I hoped. I looked away. Not from the subtle body language. Oh God! Why me?

I continued not looking. I dug into my salmon which all of a sudden tasted like sawdust. Next thing I knew, Bass was standing right behind me. He was smiling and seemed to expect me to give him a hug in greeting. Yeah right. Not on your life. I stayed seated and wondered if J was catching on.
Bass: Hi D.
Savvy: Hi. What's up?
Bass: Not much. How are you?
Savvy: I'm good. You?
Bass: Good.
Pause. Are you mad at me?
Didn't think he would call me out so fast. Long pause.
Savvy: Hmm...We'll talk later.

I turned away and went back to my sawdust as if it were the most delicious thing I had ever eaten. I freaking loooove sawdust.

I'm not one to keep silent for long, and thought at least this way I could see a reaction. I tapped him on the shoulder and signalled for him to follow. He hesitated, but followed after looking at his date to make sure she didn't catch on.

Savvy: I'm not really one to keep my mouth shut about things. I know you went to the event on Sunday.
Bass: I'm sorry. I felt really bad. I didn't think you would be able to go. I went to spend time with my parents after.
Savvy: You told me you were going to come by and see me, that you wanted to spend all of spring break with me and all summer too. That was mean.
Bass: I did. I do. It's just that things changed.
Savvy: I can see that. I have eyes.
Bass: Last I checked, I'm single. I really like you, but I'm not ready to be exclusive.
Savvy: I'm not ready to be exclusive either. I see other people. I brought someone with me tonight. (I lied.) I don't mind if you see other people. Just be honest. You had me thinking wow, this guy really likes me.
Bass: I do. I like her too. She doesn't live here, though.
Savvy: I just don't appreciate it. It wasn't the first time you had told me stuff and then disappeared because "that's how it is with us guys on the road." It was mean.
Bass: I'm really sorry. Yeah, we haven't been in touch as much this week.
Savvy: I'm really glad I'm a good girl.
Bass: It's a good thing we didn't do anything we shouldn't have.
Savvy: There are some things I just won't do if I'm not exclusive with someone.
Bass: That's good. You're good.
Savvy: Maybe I'm too good. I don't mind being just friends. You were the one who made sure to say we were dating friends.
Bass: Whatever happens with the dating, let's please stay friends. We should always be friends. I felt really bad. I didn't want to hurt you.
Savvy: Have fun tonight. Don't worry, I won't get in your way.

I wish I had said, I hope you believe your bullshit, because I don't. You don't want to hurt me but you will parade another girl in front of me.

In some ways, I felt like I maintained my cool and walked away with the upper hand. But I could have been cooler. I could have said, That's interesting, and taken a sip from my martini or a drag from my cigarette. Except I don't smoke and I didn't have a martini. I guess dealing with teenagers all day makes me really good at dealing with crap. I walked away wondering why in the world he had even texted me to make sure I knew about karaoke. What if I hadn't brought a date? What if after a week of pining and waiting, I had thrilled at his text message and showed up there thinking he'd be dateless. I marvel at the cruel intricacies of the male mind. (I've heard of Christian guys doing the same kinds of things, so don't even start with me on that.)

Xtina: wow. That really takes balls! I can't believe he brought a date after going out with you. At least you know now that you should move on. There are plenty of great guys out there.
Mike: NEXT!!
Savvy: You know I'm hurting pretty bad right now.
Mike: I know sweetie, but you deserve so much better.

I was soon called up to sing Hopelessly Devoted to You. I was in my element.
You know I'm just a fool who's willin' to sit around and wait for you.--NOT The audience roared at my interjection. My friends sang really well. Bass sang New York, New York. I love his voice. I wanted to say something, but I was ignoring him. I later sang You Raise Me Up.

I tried flirting with my date, J, but he started to feel like a cheap rental. Plus he just wasn't into me. I flirted with lots of people there. I got hugs and compliments from people when I sang. I told one guy he looked really huggable so we hugged each other and started singing the refrain from Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin' by Journey. I later sat next to him and told him the whole story. Thanks for the hug. I really needed it. I used to go out with New York, but now he brought someone else. I brought someone too, but he doesn't like me like that. The guy thought he was a jerk. Everybody thinks he's jerk. I sat with a big group. Bass only had her. Everyone pretty much left him alone. I left him alone. I tried not to look and I didn't speak to him again.

When J and I we were paying for dinner (dutch treat remember), I could see Bass put his arm around her through a window into the bar. I felt a hurricane blow through me. J and I walked outside. He gave me a hug and thanked me for inviting him. I walked back in and say goodbye to our DJ, but didn't see him. However, I did see Bass kissing that girl on the cheek. Shit. Struck by lightening twice. He saw me in the corner of his eye and pulled away from her.

Poor thing. Ignorance is bliss. If she had any idea she'd be headed back to whereever she's from rather than staying over at his place. Some days I wish I could be bad because it seems like the bad girls win. I wonder if he told her he had friends going to karaoke. If I were her I'd be wondering why his "friends" weren't more friendly. Part of me wishes I had said something to her. Just so you know, I was dating him last week. I didn't know we weren't dating anymore. Hope you have better luck than me. Nighty night!

Dating? The magic is gone for me. Friends? That won't be so easy.

Friendship is built not only on genuine concern and things in common but on trust and keeping one's word. For some bizarre reason, I remember not really believing him from one of the first things he said to me, though it proved true that he actually did hurt his shoulder playing bass and was indeed a professional musician.

If he actually asks me to hang out maybe I'll take a sip from my martini, a drag on my cigarette, savor both and say slowly, Gee. I'd really like to. But my readers wouldn't approve. And...(Wave hello to friend. Sip.) everyone in the group kind of thinks you're a jerk. Sip. Drag. Smoke ring. I say kind of to try and soften it. Yeah, I still don't smoke and I get drunk off one beer, but in high school I thought those things were soooo cool.

It's just like high school. I can't really escape him because we run in the same circle. At some point I will have to forgive him to keep the peace. I'm not sure that others will. As a teacher I can seriously relate to my students in an uncanny way.


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LadyElaine said...


after reading this, several things come to mind:

1.) get off the game wheel! Step away from relationship game! You know you were honest and upfront, and he didn't meet the standard of honesty. If he is a fellow Christian, then love him FROM A DISTANCE. He obviously doesn't have the maturity level necessary to have an honest, transparent conversation with you(waiting until after he brings someone else on a date to communicate verbally that he doesn't want to be exclusive). You can do better. Just let this be an opportunity for your character to grow and to reflect God's love even more.

2.)Be a friend with someone(no, really) before you date them. This way, you know EXACTLY what you're dealing with before you go out. That doesn't mean you get to know them so you can date them, you get to know them SO YOU CAN KNOW WHO THEY REALLY ARE AND WHAT THEY'RE REALLY about. When you're friends(with no intention of manipulation or getting what you want), then it eliminates a lot of crap, because you know the character of someone.

3.)No matter what, take the high road. Don't bring others into the drama to get back at someone else. Take whatever anger, frustration, and sadness to God in prayer, casting your cares on him. That may mean you have to constantly let it go. But do it! Unforgiveness and bitterness has an insidious way of really sabotaging opportunities to share and experience love.

Anonymous said...

I had an experience with a Christian guy from my church that went on for several months. (It's funny that I'm listening to the eighties song "Shattered Dreams" by Johnny Hates Jazz as I'm typing this)

I don't want to bore you with details, but it (compounded with other grievances I had at this church) got to a point where I just left my previous church without much notice. Before I left the church, I thought I just had to just "tough it out" being around him. Thank God he met someone in July and brought her to church because I was able to get out and move on with my life.

D said...

Wow! Lady Elaine, thanks for the loooong note. You really took time. Sorry about all that exchurchmouse--that's tough. Bass and I are in a group that's almost like a church group. You'll have to read the next installment.