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Saturday, March 15, 2008

I'm NOT PREGNANT!!!

Call me Mary and take me to Bethlehem because it would have to be an immaculate conception! I had a car accident that landed me in the Emergency Room. They no longer believe a woman when she says she isn't pregnant. (The other person is at fault. She hit my car doors on the driver's side. See the nice dent?)

As I walked into triage, tears rolled down my face from the cramping in my neck. The male nurse who looked like on of the Doobie Brothers with his long grey hair and beard handed me some tissues and asked:
Nurse: What was the last date of your menstrual period?
Savvy: I don't know, but I'm about to start again.
Nurse: So, about a month ago?
Savvy: Yes.
Nurse: Is there any chance you might be pregnant?
Savvy: No.
Nurse: Here's an ice pack for your neck. You can take the box of tissues.

I thought we were done with that.

I waited 5 hours and asked for 3 more ice packs before even being seen by a doctor for all of about 5 minutes. He decided we would have to do a CT scan to make sure nothing was broken. Of course, he asked again,
Doc: Is there any chance you could be pregnant?
Savvy: No.

I was told to put on one of those sexy gowns. I didn't take off my pants. I covered up with a blanket so the nurses wouldn't know. The last time I went to the ER, the Xray tech ended up lifting the blanket and checking out my legs for an uncomfortable amount of time. I didn't want to go through that again. I wasn't thinking through this rationally, but the image of it did flash through my mind. I was staying covered up. That's how I KNOW I'm not pregnant, by the way!!

A yucky nurse came by with something. She unwrapped it.
Nurse: We need a urine sample for a pregnancy test. Do you think you can do that?
Savvy: But I'm not pregnant.
Nurse: Are you sure?
Savvy: Yes. This isn't really necesary.
Nurse: Well, wouldn't you want to know so you can take care of your baby?
Savvy: But I'm NOT PREGNANT!

She left in a huff to fetch the doctor. I must be some kind of raging lunatic because a caring person would want to know for sure if she were pregnant or not. I was on my fifth ice pack and my neck was spasming. I was very irritable. I used some more tissues for the tears that were welling up. I was crying for pain and for the insult to my character.

The doctor came back. Incidentally he has the same last name as Bass (the guy I've been seeing), there was a patient with his same first name and a lady in the waiting room who was from Las Vegas near where his band was playing this weekend.
Doc: We do this for women of childbearing age just to make sure.
Savvy: But I'm SURE. Do you need you need me to explain to you about the birds and the bees and how babies are made?
Doc: No. It's just something we have to do.
Savvy: But I KNOW I'm not preganant.
Doc: Unfortunately that won't hold up in a court of law.
Savvy: I didn't have to do this the last time I went to the hospital and had to get x-rays.
Doc: I wouldn't get near that doctor if I were you.
Savvy: Well, call me Mary and take me to Bethlehem because it would have to be an immaculate conception. By the way would you bring me a large glass of water because I went to the bathroom before I knew about this.

What bullsh-t.

Nurse Yucky came back and she could see my pants.
I'm not taking them off. And you can't make me since my neck is the problem. I don't take them off. That's how I know I'm not pregnant!
She didn't say anything, so I said:
Thanks for the water. I'll see what I can do.

Eventually after waiting for 40 minutes for a urine sample the Nurse Yucky came by again. Drinking two glasses of water hadn't done very much.
Nurse: Would you like use to just take some blood for the test?
Savvy: That sounds like a great idea!


But I really, really hate needles, so I gave it one last shot. I was so angry over not being believed that I wasn't pregnant that I could barely contain myself.
Lemonade anyone? Here it is.

Sure enough, I'm not pregnant. I had the CT scan. The xray tech and I laughed about keeping my pants on, though keeping my bra on was not an option since it made the CT scanner go wiggy. Things got better after that doctor left for the day. A really nice Filipina nurse brought me a sandwich while I waited for the results to be read by a doctor in Sweden or Australia or something bizarre like that because they outsource everything. Thank God nothing is broken. 9 hours from the time I walked in, I was leaving the ER feeling totally incensed. Part of the delay was from OUTSOURCING. Part of the delay was from taking an UNNECCESARY test.

I still don't understand why my word means nothing. A woman's word doesn't mean anything. Sometimes I think I might as well be having sex with everyone since that's clearly what everyone expects women are doing. I feel insulted because I don't and no one believes that. Seriously, it's not the first time a doctor's eyes have gone a little bit wide when I tell them I'm not sexually active. How about you?

2 comments:

Gina said...

Frustrating, isn't it? I have a history of very irregular cycles, and on my very first visit to the gyno (at 17) his nurses interrogated me about being sexually active, assuring me over and over that they wouldn't tell my mom but I needed to be honest with them. My current gyno is a refreshing change - he asked me once if I was pregnant, asked me why I wasn't and when I told him I had never had sex he smiled and said that was the only reason he'd accept. Case closed. I could have kissed him (although that would have been a little weird, so I refrained :o).

Amir Larijani said...

If I get pregnant, we'll all split the money.