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Sunday, March 30, 2008

Love is...Apologizing (Aced By Bass)

I still feel terrible about this whole mess with Bass. So much so that when my flight was delayed two hours, it hardly bothered me. That morning I had written a letter apologizing to Bass and posted it on his door. I would have mailed it, but I couldn't remember his address.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. Alaska Air flight 321 has been overbooked. We will take 5 volunteers...
The people around me were annoyed. We all wanted to get on with our flight. The boarding time had already passed.

Ladies and gentlemen. Alaska Air flight 321 has been delayed due to inclement weather. People were livid.
One man jumped up and down like a child. I just want to go hooooome.
A blonde woman turned to me and sneered, It figures they would blame it on the weather. That way they don't have to pay for our hotel.

Yet another man declared: I should have volunteered for that other flight.

I really wished I had volunteered to go on the other flight, too. I had been there for two hours already. I was bored out of my gourd. I had really been hoping to get an EARLIER flight. On top of that, this just wasn't how I was supposed to be spending my spring break. I was supposed to spend some of it with Bass. I had little notions that Bass would drop me off at the airport and pick me up because we were dating when I booked the flight. I decided to go to the bathroom. On my way there I look at the the departures and saw that I had missed 2 flights to Dallas/Ft. Worth that Bass could have been on since that was where he was going with his band, though I wasn't sure what night he was coming or going exactly. I missed the chance to run into Bass at the airport twice over. I knew that he was going there at some point and that this is a small airport. It was possible really.

I could have talked to him at the airport. I could have found out if he got my letter and if he accepted my apology. We would have made up and at least be friends. Or even better, kissed passionately and made up totally. I'm so sorry D, I've realized that you're the only one for me! As if!

When I left the letter I didn't want to knock on the door or ring the bell. I don't want to know what he looks like when he isn't expecting anyone. I thought about it, but I got sooo nervous when I thought I heard the bass strings sound or the rustling of him moving or packing his bass in the front study. I imagined he'd open the door in his boxers and say, What the hell are you doing here? I've actually had that happen with one of my neighbors when I lived in apartments, except he was nice. Or maybe he'd be in a towel. Or maybe he wouldn't open the door at all and say, Just leave! Or I'd just stand there in the gaze of his tiny eye in the peephole. He'd say nothing, then he'd just walk away from the door. I stood there for what seemed like ages, but then slid it into the door jam so it wouldn't fly away and closed the screen door. I noticed again the note he taped: NO PAPERS! I'm disobedient. I also don't want him to think I'm stalking him.

While I waited for the flight and during it, I sat and read a book--Shopaholic & Baby because I promised I'd givemy cousin Lil any Sophie Kinsella books I've already read. I still want answers. My head still swims over it all. He said he could be himself with me. Maybe he doesn't want to be himself. He doesn't talk to me anymore. That's actually no great feat. He hardly talks to anybody. Sometimes he just has this odd smile on his face like he's totally embarrassed and doesn't know what to say. In fact he was set up on a date with a girl and the secret joke became, Did he even talk? Sometimes he doesn't. He can be painfully shy, which is why I thought he was being genuine. I thought we had real resonance, the kind that begets true love. But maybe it was like the flames that burn hot and fast from kindling for the fire. Maybe we had the kind of resonance that makes crystal shatter. Maybe it's hard to be out of your shell. You we're the fun one when we were together, D. You're so theatrical. I'm a boring guy. I'm really not very social. And then there are times when he made me laugh hysterically. I've seen him perform and he's really lively. That's performing, though. It's different than talking to people. I don't know what to think.

I thought he would call me straightaway after reading that beautiful letter. Sure enough, as I was driving away the phone rang. I practically jumped out of my seat. And sure enough it wasn't him. Some message related to the accident, Long Island number it think--505. If he had called he would have said, D, I'm soooo sorry. Please come back over. Let's talk. Let's be friends forever.

The whole time I was in San Francisco I didn't hear from him. He didn't respond when I texted him and asked him if he got my beautifully crafted letter of apology and let him know I was having a dandy time. When I got back into town I just wanted to know that my letter wasn't still sitting on the door. If it was, I was going to nab it. I approached slowly. I'll just look on the door. The lights were on. I figured the shutters would be closed. And then I realized that they weren't. I didn't even look at the door. Shit! He always told me how much he liked looking out the window as he worked on his computer. I hunkered down so he wouldn't see me and I gunned the engine. He didn't seem to look up. This was about the letter. Oh Lord, please don't let him think I'm a stalker!! Please let him not notice. Riiight.

I'm nervous about him showing up to shoot pool. I'll probably talk really loudly about how much fun I had kissing a guy in a kilt and whatnot right near him. It's not to make him jealous, but just to let him know that I'm having fun. Truthfully, though, I really want to know if he will accept my apology even a little bit. Cousins, aunts and uncles told me that people fogive each other far worse things all the time. D, everyone knows people act different and say things they don't really mean when they're drunk. If Bass can't give you a little grace for that, he's not worth having in your life.

Like I said, a two hour delay is nothing compared to what I have been through with Bass over the last few weeks.

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