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Monday, March 31, 2008

Look What I Caught!!

Yes, I caught the bouquet at my cousin's wedding!! Everyone really wants me to be next. We need more excuses to get together. Some of us hadn't seen each other since what Lil calls My Big Fat Mexican Jewish Wedding 3 years ago in Mexico. Cousin A said, The flowers don't lie.

When it came time to catch the bouquet, I bargained with all of the girls:
I've been single the longest and I really think whoever catches it should just give it to me after.

OK N, we're ready!! She pretended to throw it a couple of times.
1...2...haha! She looked over her shoulder.
I hunkered down. I planned possible trajectories. I would roll, dive for it, jump 5 feet, whatever it took--in jest anyway. Sometimes being in the very front doesn't work and the bouquet goes to the back.
I didn't have to worry. The bouquet came sailing straight toward me. It would have hit me and landed on the floor if I hadn't caught it. I caught it and did a victory dance.

Honestly, the flowers don't neccessarily mean anything. I caught the bouquet once before about 5 years ago.

My exbf, C thought it was funny. He texted me and told me that he caught a garter 13 years ago and it still hasn't worked. But knowing him, he went for it because he's kind of pervy. He also won an underwear contest for Spike and Mike's Sick and Twisted Animation Festival one year. I didn't know him them. Yes, he's a bit scandalous.

My really good looking distant not remotely related to me "cousin" caught the garter. I had sort had a crush on him at the last wedding. (He's my cousins' cousin--no relation, but not exactly a stranger.) I joked that we should just marry each other. We took a picture together.

In any case, it was fun. God at the very least, has a sense of humor.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Getting Frisky in Frisco

I kissed a man in a kilt while I was in San Francisco!
I was actually kind of sad. Here my cousin was getting married and I was feeling sorry for myself.
A lot of people still seem to tell me that having sex is the way to get a man, my cousins sometimes included in that. It hurts.

I get really upset about it. A group of the younger cousins, and my married cousin Lil who had the night off courtesy of her husband's babysitting went to a bar after the rehearsal dinner. It was supposed to be fun, but I was thinking about what people say about sex and relationships.

Lil: Men just connect differently than women. We should just get over it and move on.

But does moving on mean I have to disconnect my heart and my hopes for marriage? I guess I wouldn't mind so much if I knew that the other relationship parts were going to be there too. But how would you know if it isn't really serious like being engaged or waiting until you get married? There wasn't that concern 100 years ago when men courted women in the drawing room under parental supervision. I'm already not a virgin. I did sleep with one guy, but that was a long time ago. I want the next guy to be the only guy. I started crying a little. I had the perfect excuse, My contacts are really bothering me. I ought to take them out, huh?

Lil: Hey, listen, if a guy isn't going to stick around after a few dates, he isn't worth it. Move on. He's not ready and he's not the right person.

Even her husband told me once, Yeah, sex is great, but there's so much more to a marriage than just that. But sex is great, you should just do it. He then apologized for offending me.

I took my contacts out and managed to smile and laugh. I could barely manage champagne or margaritas because of the recent memory of my plastered state in front of Bass on Monday. Finally we decided to pay out and leave. On my way out with Lil, my heart stopped:

Savvy: Wow! A man in a kilt. You should be careful being in San Francisco. Watch out for those boys!
Simon: I'll be OK, I've got my knife.
Savvy: Yes, you also have really nice legs.
Simon: Why thank you.
Savvy: It woud really make my night to kiss a man in a kilt.
Simon: Really?
He laughed easily. OK
Savvy: Great! He put his hand on my waist.
Simon: I'm Simon. What's your name?
He looked straight into my eyes. He was quite attractive.
Savvy: D. Oh, I thought we;d just kiss on the cheek, but yes, we should at least know each others names.

We both leaned forward and touched our lips tenderly. It was sweet.
Savvy: Thanks. You really made my day. My night, I mean.
Simon: You're welcome!

I bounded out of the bar while Lil waited outside.
Sav: Didn't you see?
Lil: See what? I'm soo cold.
Sav: I kissed that guy in the kilt!
Lil: You did? He's probably gay.
Sav: Oh? We aren't in the Casto.
(the Gay neighborhood.) My cousin A She took me to a diner in the Castro called Orphan Andy's to people watch. We got an eyeful. Even she got a little tripped out by this really butch black construction worker looking guy was flirting with an also tough looking Latino guy while we ate dinner--and she LIVES here, though I have visited alot.

Lil: Honey, this is San Francisco. The whole city is the Castro.
Sav: I don't care,
I laughed. Now Bass isn't the last person I kissed. I'm happy. I kissed a guy in a kilt! I don't care if he was gay. He was hot! Are you going to San Francisco, put a flower in your hair! Summertime will be a lovin time! I left my heart in San Francisco!

I was practically skipping down the street singing. I do that sometimes. Lil was laughing at me and singing along.

You're so crazy. Put a flower in your hair.

Yet another cousin was surprised he didn't ask for my phone number. I guess we both knew it wasn't about that.

I'm so confused. I don't understand myself. One minute I'm lamenting deep things, the next I'm Frisky in Frisco.

Love is...Apologizing (Aced By Bass)

I still feel terrible about this whole mess with Bass. So much so that when my flight was delayed two hours, it hardly bothered me. That morning I had written a letter apologizing to Bass and posted it on his door. I would have mailed it, but I couldn't remember his address.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. Alaska Air flight 321 has been overbooked. We will take 5 volunteers...
The people around me were annoyed. We all wanted to get on with our flight. The boarding time had already passed.

Ladies and gentlemen. Alaska Air flight 321 has been delayed due to inclement weather. People were livid.
One man jumped up and down like a child. I just want to go hooooome.
A blonde woman turned to me and sneered, It figures they would blame it on the weather. That way they don't have to pay for our hotel.

Yet another man declared: I should have volunteered for that other flight.

I really wished I had volunteered to go on the other flight, too. I had been there for two hours already. I was bored out of my gourd. I had really been hoping to get an EARLIER flight. On top of that, this just wasn't how I was supposed to be spending my spring break. I was supposed to spend some of it with Bass. I had little notions that Bass would drop me off at the airport and pick me up because we were dating when I booked the flight. I decided to go to the bathroom. On my way there I look at the the departures and saw that I had missed 2 flights to Dallas/Ft. Worth that Bass could have been on since that was where he was going with his band, though I wasn't sure what night he was coming or going exactly. I missed the chance to run into Bass at the airport twice over. I knew that he was going there at some point and that this is a small airport. It was possible really.

I could have talked to him at the airport. I could have found out if he got my letter and if he accepted my apology. We would have made up and at least be friends. Or even better, kissed passionately and made up totally. I'm so sorry D, I've realized that you're the only one for me! As if!

When I left the letter I didn't want to knock on the door or ring the bell. I don't want to know what he looks like when he isn't expecting anyone. I thought about it, but I got sooo nervous when I thought I heard the bass strings sound or the rustling of him moving or packing his bass in the front study. I imagined he'd open the door in his boxers and say, What the hell are you doing here? I've actually had that happen with one of my neighbors when I lived in apartments, except he was nice. Or maybe he'd be in a towel. Or maybe he wouldn't open the door at all and say, Just leave! Or I'd just stand there in the gaze of his tiny eye in the peephole. He'd say nothing, then he'd just walk away from the door. I stood there for what seemed like ages, but then slid it into the door jam so it wouldn't fly away and closed the screen door. I noticed again the note he taped: NO PAPERS! I'm disobedient. I also don't want him to think I'm stalking him.

While I waited for the flight and during it, I sat and read a book--Shopaholic & Baby because I promised I'd givemy cousin Lil any Sophie Kinsella books I've already read. I still want answers. My head still swims over it all. He said he could be himself with me. Maybe he doesn't want to be himself. He doesn't talk to me anymore. That's actually no great feat. He hardly talks to anybody. Sometimes he just has this odd smile on his face like he's totally embarrassed and doesn't know what to say. In fact he was set up on a date with a girl and the secret joke became, Did he even talk? Sometimes he doesn't. He can be painfully shy, which is why I thought he was being genuine. I thought we had real resonance, the kind that begets true love. But maybe it was like the flames that burn hot and fast from kindling for the fire. Maybe we had the kind of resonance that makes crystal shatter. Maybe it's hard to be out of your shell. You we're the fun one when we were together, D. You're so theatrical. I'm a boring guy. I'm really not very social. And then there are times when he made me laugh hysterically. I've seen him perform and he's really lively. That's performing, though. It's different than talking to people. I don't know what to think.

I thought he would call me straightaway after reading that beautiful letter. Sure enough, as I was driving away the phone rang. I practically jumped out of my seat. And sure enough it wasn't him. Some message related to the accident, Long Island number it think--505. If he had called he would have said, D, I'm soooo sorry. Please come back over. Let's talk. Let's be friends forever.

The whole time I was in San Francisco I didn't hear from him. He didn't respond when I texted him and asked him if he got my beautifully crafted letter of apology and let him know I was having a dandy time. When I got back into town I just wanted to know that my letter wasn't still sitting on the door. If it was, I was going to nab it. I approached slowly. I'll just look on the door. The lights were on. I figured the shutters would be closed. And then I realized that they weren't. I didn't even look at the door. Shit! He always told me how much he liked looking out the window as he worked on his computer. I hunkered down so he wouldn't see me and I gunned the engine. He didn't seem to look up. This was about the letter. Oh Lord, please don't let him think I'm a stalker!! Please let him not notice. Riiight.

I'm nervous about him showing up to shoot pool. I'll probably talk really loudly about how much fun I had kissing a guy in a kilt and whatnot right near him. It's not to make him jealous, but just to let him know that I'm having fun. Truthfully, though, I really want to know if he will accept my apology even a little bit. Cousins, aunts and uncles told me that people fogive each other far worse things all the time. D, everyone knows people act different and say things they don't really mean when they're drunk. If Bass can't give you a little grace for that, he's not worth having in your life.

Like I said, a two hour delay is nothing compared to what I have been through with Bass over the last few weeks.

Airport Parking

I hate paying for parking. I mean, I reallllly haaaaate it. Especially when it's overpriced airport parking. My Jewish cousins even joke that I am Jewish too because I don't like paying for parking. My solution was to park across the street at a hotel.

You can tell that at one time no one had to pay for parking, but then eventually, they did. Then the hotel blocked its entrances with posts, only that wasn't enough. Then they put small boulders by the posts so that people wouldn't drive around them. I know because I was looking for a way out that would relieve me from paying $12 a day for parking. $48 for 4 days and 3 nights. $40 if I pretended to have lost my ticket. It was certainly better than paying $17 a day in the airport lot. Outrageous. Even more outrageous was parking in San Francisco. Once I found out that it costs $30 for just one night, I felt better about paying $40. Yes, I would say I lost my ticket to pay $8 less. My cousin A and I took a cab to the hotel from her apartment to avoid paying for parking.

When I got back to the airport, I was prepared, though I'd be sad to part with the money. An evening out sometimes costs about that. Sometimes I feel a little bit pressured financially. Maybe I shouldn't have been so liberal at Macy's. $40 is what I paid for one of my shirts. I was going to give sneaking out one last shot. I could get another ticket or something. I could try following someone out. That's so wrong, but possible.

I walked back to my car, a bit oppressed by all I have on my mind with all that I am returning to. Wondering if Bass got my letter of apology--he still won't talk to me. Wondering if he will be there tomorrow shooting pool with us. Wondering if people will be angry with me for last Monday. Wondering if people will accept my carefully planned explanation,the one I had discussed with my cousins:

Don't mix muscle relaxers, cough medicine, painkillers and alcohol. Lesson learned. I'm so embarrassed.

Or I could just cop out and say, Gee, I don't really remember.

Nervous laughter turned to real laughter when I saw the gate was up. No need to pay for parking after all!! My $40 will be going to shooting pool and eating out after all. Thanks, God!!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

D's Recipe for Social Disaster

Take 1 stressed out choir teacher on spring break who wants to have fun and add:

1 car accident
1 migraine on and off for 1.5 weeks
1 Celebrex for injured shoulder
1 Flexeril for muscle spasms
2 Tesalon pearls for oncoming cough
4 Alleve for migraine
1 guy hitting on her at restarant (Pops)
1 dating relationship gone awry also at restaurant (Bass)
1 guy with ulterior motives (Bill)
5 glasses of wine
4 course meal of elf-like portions

Make sure teacher doesn't eat all day long from headache and forgets about alcohol warning labels on medications. Add together slowly in an Italian restaurant for 3 hours. Watch all judgement, grace, social polish and emotional control completely disappear as she becomes so intoxicated she doesn't know where she is.

Full story:

Love is...Helping Drunk People

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Go Blogging!

Why I blog--
Blogging gives me a creative outlet for writing about the bad things that happen in life and somehow finding a way to make them funnier or more poignant by adding a theme. Others let me know that they share my pain, laughter, or have even given me helpful advice through their comments. Sometimes I'm even judged and criticized. It's great therapy!

Enter your own answer--
What the hell is blogging - Blog Contest

Love is...Helping Drunk People

In a grandly unsavvy moment, I cried and didn't eat all day from a migraine, took extra Alleve to kill it, forgot that I was taking muscle relaxers then drank 5 glasses of wine at a progressive dinner. My cheese slid off my cracker in front of Bass and everyone else.

Some friends helped me pick up the pieces.

At a progressive dinner, the men change tables with every course. They also gave us a glass of wine to compliment each course. Bass even complimented me. I had taken extra care to dress up. I wanted to feel great.
Bass: That's a really cute dress. You look nice.
Savvy: Thanks.
Bass: Where's your scarf? You always wear one. I missed it.
Savvy: I'm full of surprises!

Aperitif. Pinot Grigio. Bass took off when I started flirting with Pops who has 2 kids (19 and 14). I met them all at a Thanksgiving party. Pops shared his glass of wine with me, but gave most of it to me when we parted ways to get seats.

1st Course. Durin Tigato white with Calamari. Bass sat a table outside. Whew! I read menu options in Italian to a guy. You can read a menu to me anytime. Wow! That's really sexy!

2nd Course. Cantina Terlano Pinot Bianco with salad. I averted my eyes quickly when I saw Bass walking in my direction. He was at the next table with his back to me. I was on pins and needles.

Intermezzo. Lemon Gelato. Everything was fine up until then. For that course Bass was at my table. I could barely handle it. I excused myself to go to the ladies and catch my breath. The conversation stayed light and amicable after that. At one point he laughed while saying, Yeah, D knows me REALLY well. He took a picture of our group with his phone.

As the men rotated, tears started welling up.
Cheree: Stop it! Don't go there!
Savvy: OK, OK!

3rd Course. Rutherford Ranch Cabernet Sauvignon paired with a strip steak, polenta and asparagus. I regarded the tiny portions carefully. Wow, we're eating elf food! Everyone laughed. I looked at another guy's plate. Hey, no fair! You got more than me. Miss, Miss. He got more than me. Remember how you would do that as a kid?? While I talked to the waitress and my table, Pops stole all of my steak. It was a fun group. When Pops started seeing that I was upset, he wanted to know what was wrong. Our heads were touching and I whispered in his ear.
Savvy: Oh nothing. I just broke things off with someone.
Pops: What an idiot. I never forgot you from when you came to the party at my house.
Savvy: Really? Aww. Thanks.

Then we all ended up laughing about Guy who had invited me to the party and how he had been a Turkey of a Guy.

Pops: I keep hearing you have a beautiful voice. Why don't you sing something? I sang O Babbino Caro from an opera by Puccini. It's a tune you would recognize if you heard it. Others applauded, while Bass's back stiffened slightly. Pops pulled me in close again.
Pops: That was amazing!
Savvy: I'm kinda drunk. I'm going to need to stick around here to sober up before I go home.
Pops: We can walk around the pier.
Savvy: Can I tell you a secret? I was never intimate with Bass.
Pops: That was probably why he broke things off. That's how guys are. I could do things to you that would put a smile on your face for two weeks. You won't even remember who he is.

4th Course Wycliff Sparkling white with dessert. A guy at the table worked near me and we discussed having coffee. I walked past Bass to get my phone. I finished my wine, really liked it, and then finished someone else's.

At that point, my cheese slid off my cracker. The synergistic effect of alchohol with all the medications I was taking hit haaard.

I didn't want to be with Pops. I wanted to be with Bass. I was a little afraid that Pops would try to take advantage of me. I needed to be safe. I couldn't think. Bass never pushed things too far. It couldn't be true. I made a beeline for Bass, leaning on chairs as I walked and sat (crashed) in the seat next to him.

Bill: Savvy, are you OK? Do you need coffee? Let's get you some coffee.
Savvy: Yeah. Coffee.

My coffee came. I put sugar, cream and then I looked at Bass and picked up my coffee.
Savvy: I'm gonna tell you this because I'm drunk enough to. I've had some very interesting offers tonight, but I don't want to be with them. I want to be with you.
Bass: That's so sweet!!

I dropped my coffee, ran outside, sat on a wall and started crying. Bill followed me, so did Bass. He gathered me up and let me sob on his shoulder. I told Bill all about Bass and Pops.
Savvy: I can't believe I said that.
Bill: I know.
Savvy: You mean you heard me?? I thought I said it quietly. I get hit on all the time. Everyone just wants to have sex with me. No one wants to be with me for me. It huuuurts!
Bill: I'm so sorry. I've watched Bass do this to a few girls. He's a total player.

He called Xtina over to tell her about Pops while a crowd gathered. There were 5 guys with the same real name as Pops, so we couldn't do anything. Bill walked me back inside to get more coffee. Bass stood there mutely.
Bill: I got a ride with Cheree or else I would stay with you.
Savvy: I love you, Bill.
Xtina: You and Bass are both to drunk to drive, so we're going to Sharky's to hang out. No fighting you two!
She pointed at each of us and let me hang onto her as we walked to her car.

After the scene I just caused, all I could think was Why me?
As the time ticked by, we made conversation. Bass, Xtina, Albert, Jonas and me.
Xtina: I used to be a nice Catholic girl who went to church all the time.
Savvy: Me too.
Bass: I used to be an altar boy. I can't believe it.
Savvy: Me either...I need to go to the ladies. Hey, that's a picture Emiliano Zapata. Viva la revolucion! My great grandfather was challenged to a dual by Pancho Villa. Thanks God Pancho Villa didn't show up! Mexico lindo y querido!!

Xtina walked me to the bathroom.
Savvy: Wow! The bathroom looks just like where we were yesterday!
Xtina: This IS where we were yesterday.
Savvy: Seriously?

Albert got pitchers of water and bought me a lemonade when I didn't have cash. I sang I Hate Men and So in Love from Kiss Me Kate, Memory from Cats. I know the whole soundtrack. I drunk dialed my exboyfriend. I sang bits of New York, New York that Bass had sung at karaoke.

Xtina and Albert tried to convince me to get a hotel room, but I thought if I waited for one more hour, I would be OK. They left me at my car and I watched Bass slink away in what I named his Jazzmobile. I stayed in the bar after everyone left and mulled over what had happened. I needed to go to the bathroom again.

I regaled the girls in the bathroom with my tale of the evening's woe. A girl passed out in the stall. We tried to wake her because the door was locked. I went to get someone who worked there since I was certain they had dealt with this before. We got her awake, out of there and reunited her with her friends.

As I was walking to my car, my exboyfriend, Chris called to make sure I was OK and talked with me about my evening and our relationship woes.
Sav: Hey thanks for keeping me on the phone until I got home.
C: No problem. That's what I'm here for.

Even though my exboyfriend and I had serious problems, he was still able to show love to me. People went out of their way to help me. I went out of my way to help someone else worse off than me. I don't know what the end result of all of this will be. If C and I can still keep in touch, maybe someday Bass and I can too.

But now I'm also thinking that if I hadn't been quite so intoxicated and just said something to Xtina about Pops, or just sat there and had my coffee, Bass and I would be much better off. Posthangover hindsight is always clearer.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Love is...Like A Hurricane

Life is so confusing. So is love. I'm not sure I know what love is. That's why I started this theme.
My relationship with Bass has been like a hurricane.
Will flowers bloom after Hurricane Bass?

Easter Sunday's theme is resurrection and rebirth. It's usually closely tied to Spring and renewal after winter. A large group of us got together for a beach bike ride. I swear I was going to go to church, but I confess I didn't. They changed the time of the service at the church where I used to go, so it didn't work out very well. I feel so heathen. I figured on most of the group being Jewish and delinquent Catholics. I was hoping some of us might attend church together after the bike ride. But it didn't happen that way either.

Xtina called to find out if I was still going because she was concerned it would only be a group of four--Xtina, another guy, me and Bass of all people.

Savvy: Oh my God. Noooooo! How's THAT for drama???
Xtina: You better behave yourself.
Savvy: Don't worry. I will. I did pretty well on Friday, didn't I?
Xtina: Yes, I have to admit you did.
Savvy: Mike totally hates him.
Xtina: I know. He told me he doesn't understand why you like him when he has no personality.
Savvy: He was different with me. He came out of his shell with me.
Xtina: Maybe he was overwhelmed. He was still a jerk.

Savvy: At some point I'm going to have to talk to him to keep the peace.
Xtina: I don't think you should bother. It doesn't seem like he's able to give you what you need. Just move on.
Savvy: It'll be OK, I know how to have fun no matter what. I've been wanting to do a beach bike ride for a long time.

I ignored him as best I could. But I smiled at him briefly when I came back from placing my parking permit on my car. I was really flustered and hyper from having had extra-strong coffee. I did have fun singing every possible song I knew from the soundtrack of Grease and every oldies song I knew. Every time I passed Bass or he passed me, I just couldn't say anything. I'm usually really friendly with people and hugged others in greeting. I even hugged 3 guys at the restaurant who just looked huggable. They thanked me because they thought it was so sweet.

I sat at the other end of the table from him when we had lunch. He seems so lost in the crowd. He hardly talks to anybody. How can he be so shy and have done something so mean???? I started to feel guilty about shunning him and talking about him. Becky and I have similar personalities and she said: See if he ever gets invited anywhere else. This is just too small of a group for anyone to do stuff like that. I never imagined he was the type who would do something like that! I felt bad. I could have taken him with me to stuff and...SIGH. I still ignored him.

When we came back from lunch, the group split. More than half went home, worn out after biking.

Xtina: Who's up from continuing on? I have to leave to see family, but you can keep going.
Savvy: I'm in! I paid for all day rental and all day parking. I'm gonna go for all it's worth.

Several others chimed in. Bass said nothing, but rode on with the much smaller group. Others fell out and turned back. Bass rode way ahead of me at one point. I puzzled things out on my own. Something about him still touches my heart. I don't like being angry at someone. Things would never be the same again. I was hurt. But I can't hold a grudge.

I ended up with a group of 5 guys. Bass, Joe and 3 really serious bike riders. We waited for some time. They congratulated me on making it. I seriously thought I was on my own. I was glad to see Bass again. I wanted to at least try to talk. I pointed at the basket on his beach cruiser. The one he showed me in his garage.
Savvy: Can I have some of your sunscreen? I missed a spot.
Bass: Sure. Yes, of course. You've got a serious farmer tan going there!
Savvy: I love being the only girl with 5 guys! Seriously, let's all go get water. That drinking fountain water was awful. Pleeeeease!

The gas station was locked, so we went to a restaurant that was open. Everyone got smoothies. I didn't feel hungry. I barely ate from all the stress today. Some of this conversation is from when we were still biking. Some when we were standing by my bashed in car.

Savvy: Everything's different now. I trusted you before and now I don't. Being friends is about trust and keeping your word. You've been a little short on that.
Bass: If we had dated for a long time and things hadn't worked out, we wouldn't have been able to be friends. But now we have a real chance to be friends forever.
Savvy: We were never friends. We jumped right into dating. I don't know if I can do that. I don't even know what I want anymore.
Bass: I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean to be mean. I didn't know you were going to be there. You didn't text me back. We were having alot of fun. You were the fun one. I'm actually a boring guy. You're so theatrical, you made it fun.
Savvy: Was that all it was? Fun?
Bass: I'm actually not casual about dating. I'm not a bad person I'm really not.
Savvy: If I truly thought you were evil, I wouldn't be talking to you right now.
Bass: You were the only person I was dating when we were together. It was special to me. I liked texting you and calling you and having someone I care about.

Savvy: Am I really your only friend in the group? It seems like I'm the only person you really talk to.
Bass: I do talk to others, but I really don't have friends. There's the guys in the band when I'm on the road, and some people I haven't called in two years, but I've only just started to be really social.
Savvy: See, I thought maybe you made that up. Late bloomer?
Bass: Yeah. I didn't have my first kiss till I was 19.
Savvy: You're going to have to get over that. It's not that unusual.
Bass: I think my worst mistake was not coming to see you on Sunday.
Savvy: You should have still come by even if it was just as a friend. I didn't want to go to the concert. It was too long and I had just had that accident. That and Friday.
Bass: What should I have done Friday? I've never had anything like happen. I didn't handle it well at all.
Savvy: You should have cancelled and done something else with her. What if I had been hanging on all week and thought you were going to be there by yourself?
Bass: Xtina kept telling me to call you and I didn't want you to be left out.
Savvy: I didn't text you back because I was mad at you.
Bass: I thought you might be.
Savvy: Us becoming friends is going to take time. I have to know that you will keep your word and do what you say you will do. I've never had guys tell me the things that you told me, so I thought you were really serious. You said you wanted to spend all summer with me. And other things that guys don't say. I'm so confused.
Bass: They don't? I told you what I felt. And I really meant those things. We can still hang out, but we shouldn't be kissing anymore.
Savvy: You invited me to stay over.
Bass: I did that because I'm lonely. I just wanted you to stay with me, not have sex. I'm still lonely.
Savvy: I didn't know that.
Bass: But then how smart am I to get involved with that girl when she lives in Canada?
Savvy: Canada? Yeah. That'll work.
Bass: I'm not good at confrontation. I didn't know what to say. I didn't mean to hurt you, but I see that I already did.
Savvy: Maybe I should have taken more time after I broke up with my boyfriend. I was really vulnerable. He really moved things fast and I wasn't ready. Then I found out he had herpes and had slept with 28 people. And then he was angry alot. My cousins were worried about me and begged me not to go back to him when we broke up.
made a face. Wow. That's alot. You did the right thing. You're really good. Alot of people are promiscuous and we're trying to do the right things. You're really sexy. You'll be with someone else soon. You're so young. You're great.
Savvy: Would you still want to date me if I would let you?
Bass: Not at this point. I just think in the long run, we're better as friends. I've still got a lot of growing up to do. If I keep growing, maybe in 10 years I'll finally get married. Who knows. Sometimes I feel like I might be choosing singleness over getting married. I don't know.
Savvy: I don't know either. I don't know what I want.
Bass: I'm really glad we were able to talk like this.
Savvy: Me too. Well, I'm holding you up from being with your grandma. It's just different. It's going to be hard. It's going to take time. You've hit me like a storm from the moment we met.

We parted ways without touching. My arms were folded across my chest. At some points in the the conversation I wanted to hug him and kiss him. I wanted to start again. I wanted to feel the way I felt when we met.

I texted him later:
Xtina knew I was coming as of Mon. Maybe she was hoping we would work things out so she didn't tell you she knew. She thot u were bringing a guy friend. U might want to talk 2 her at some pt cos she wan't happy about it. This is just like high school.

I am so confused. I wanted more at one time. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I thought he was going to ask me to be. I don't know how to be friends with him. We didn't start that way. I don't even know what I want in general. What I want to do in life. Some of me wants to go back to performing. If only he knew how difficult it's been for me to find someone I like at all. If I weren't so hurt, I would still be attracted to him--even with his obvious lack of social savvy. We still have all those things in common. I don't know what anything means anymore.

I do know that I want to be with someone special. I felt such a storm inside me when I met him. I'm sad and lonely too. I truly did feel very special at times with Bass. I've been crying, but I don't know why anymore. I've been through so much in my personal life that has nothing to do with dating. But I'm also sad about dating. I've always been good at being on my own. So has Bass. In some ways we're so alike, in others so different. Why did he have to meet that Canadian girl and wreck what we could have had? I'm crying because I don't know that I will ever be with someone who made me feel the way he did when things were good.

I will never forget the time Hurricane Bass rolled into my life.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Love is...Being a Friend

It takes a friend to make a friend. I decided to honor a commitment I had made even though I didn't feel like it. I wasn't performing with my dance troupe, so I helped out backstage.

I'm human. I arrived an hour late, but no one seemed to notice. After last night's adventure/misadventure chronicled in Love Is Just Like High School, I was wiped out emotionally. Not only that, I was wiped out physically. I fell down the stairs on the way out the door last night. Something about the cute shoes always does me in. (Sprained Ankle Adventures) I somehow managed to roll and saved myself from breaking anything.

Honoring a commitment is something friends do; real friends. It builds trust and confidence in you as person. Most of the time I hate it when I don't get to perform, but this time it was different. I was OK with it. I helped with costume changes. I helped sew things (I HATE sewing), pin costumes into place, bobby pinned hair pieces, put hair pieces away, I reminded them of how much time was left and made sure people had the right costumes on. I encouraged and evaluated performances.

Honoring a commitment makes people feel special. It can repair trust after it has been breached. One of my friends started opening up about her dance troupe dreams again. We hadn't talked that way since the wedding where her family accused me of hitting on one of the groomsmen. Misunderstandings and Dirty Old Men

My friends were all thanking me at the end of the night for all my help. Some held my hand and said they couldn't have done the performance without me. In turn, honoring my commitment to them made me feel special too.

Love is...Just Like High School

What's the game called if you BOTH bring dates to an event? And what's it called if you talk things out while your dates are waiting?

I know!! High School!!

Mine wasn't really a date, though. High school can be alot of fun, but it's also full of really awful moments. Let's go back to Grease. Sandy and Danny have a wonderful summer together. They run into each other in the "real world" of high school. They start going out again. Danny acts like a jerk. Sandy goes for Roger. Danny tries to impress Sandy to win her back. She dumps Roger in a heartbeat. Danny dumps Sandy at the Prom. Sandy pretends to be a bad girl to get Danny back.

My life seems to be alot like high school right now.

Xtina told me Bass was bringing a guy friend to our karaoke night.
Really? I'm glad he has friends. He told me he didn't have any.
Cool. I imagined myself flirting with both of them since my date was no longer really a date. (He decided to cancel on dinner and showed up a bit late. Later he made me pay for my own dinner to drive the point home.)

That imagination was stopped cold when Bass walked in with a GIRL. She was tall and pretty and they sort of matched. Cousins? I hoped. I looked away. Not from the subtle body language. Oh God! Why me?

I continued not looking. I dug into my salmon which all of a sudden tasted like sawdust. Next thing I knew, Bass was standing right behind me. He was smiling and seemed to expect me to give him a hug in greeting. Yeah right. Not on your life. I stayed seated and wondered if J was catching on.
Bass: Hi D.
Savvy: Hi. What's up?
Bass: Not much. How are you?
Savvy: I'm good. You?
Bass: Good.
Pause. Are you mad at me?
Didn't think he would call me out so fast. Long pause.
Savvy: Hmm...We'll talk later.

I turned away and went back to my sawdust as if it were the most delicious thing I had ever eaten. I freaking loooove sawdust.

I'm not one to keep silent for long, and thought at least this way I could see a reaction. I tapped him on the shoulder and signalled for him to follow. He hesitated, but followed after looking at his date to make sure she didn't catch on.

Savvy: I'm not really one to keep my mouth shut about things. I know you went to the event on Sunday.
Bass: I'm sorry. I felt really bad. I didn't think you would be able to go. I went to spend time with my parents after.
Savvy: You told me you were going to come by and see me, that you wanted to spend all of spring break with me and all summer too. That was mean.
Bass: I did. I do. It's just that things changed.
Savvy: I can see that. I have eyes.
Bass: Last I checked, I'm single. I really like you, but I'm not ready to be exclusive.
Savvy: I'm not ready to be exclusive either. I see other people. I brought someone with me tonight. (I lied.) I don't mind if you see other people. Just be honest. You had me thinking wow, this guy really likes me.
Bass: I do. I like her too. She doesn't live here, though.
Savvy: I just don't appreciate it. It wasn't the first time you had told me stuff and then disappeared because "that's how it is with us guys on the road." It was mean.
Bass: I'm really sorry. Yeah, we haven't been in touch as much this week.
Savvy: I'm really glad I'm a good girl.
Bass: It's a good thing we didn't do anything we shouldn't have.
Savvy: There are some things I just won't do if I'm not exclusive with someone.
Bass: That's good. You're good.
Savvy: Maybe I'm too good. I don't mind being just friends. You were the one who made sure to say we were dating friends.
Bass: Whatever happens with the dating, let's please stay friends. We should always be friends. I felt really bad. I didn't want to hurt you.
Savvy: Have fun tonight. Don't worry, I won't get in your way.

I wish I had said, I hope you believe your bullshit, because I don't. You don't want to hurt me but you will parade another girl in front of me.

In some ways, I felt like I maintained my cool and walked away with the upper hand. But I could have been cooler. I could have said, That's interesting, and taken a sip from my martini or a drag from my cigarette. Except I don't smoke and I didn't have a martini. I guess dealing with teenagers all day makes me really good at dealing with crap. I walked away wondering why in the world he had even texted me to make sure I knew about karaoke. What if I hadn't brought a date? What if after a week of pining and waiting, I had thrilled at his text message and showed up there thinking he'd be dateless. I marvel at the cruel intricacies of the male mind. (I've heard of Christian guys doing the same kinds of things, so don't even start with me on that.)

Xtina: wow. That really takes balls! I can't believe he brought a date after going out with you. At least you know now that you should move on. There are plenty of great guys out there.
Mike: NEXT!!
Savvy: You know I'm hurting pretty bad right now.
Mike: I know sweetie, but you deserve so much better.

I was soon called up to sing Hopelessly Devoted to You. I was in my element.
You know I'm just a fool who's willin' to sit around and wait for you.--NOT The audience roared at my interjection. My friends sang really well. Bass sang New York, New York. I love his voice. I wanted to say something, but I was ignoring him. I later sang You Raise Me Up.

I tried flirting with my date, J, but he started to feel like a cheap rental. Plus he just wasn't into me. I flirted with lots of people there. I got hugs and compliments from people when I sang. I told one guy he looked really huggable so we hugged each other and started singing the refrain from Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin' by Journey. I later sat next to him and told him the whole story. Thanks for the hug. I really needed it. I used to go out with New York, but now he brought someone else. I brought someone too, but he doesn't like me like that. The guy thought he was a jerk. Everybody thinks he's jerk. I sat with a big group. Bass only had her. Everyone pretty much left him alone. I left him alone. I tried not to look and I didn't speak to him again.

When J and I we were paying for dinner (dutch treat remember), I could see Bass put his arm around her through a window into the bar. I felt a hurricane blow through me. J and I walked outside. He gave me a hug and thanked me for inviting him. I walked back in and say goodbye to our DJ, but didn't see him. However, I did see Bass kissing that girl on the cheek. Shit. Struck by lightening twice. He saw me in the corner of his eye and pulled away from her.

Poor thing. Ignorance is bliss. If she had any idea she'd be headed back to whereever she's from rather than staying over at his place. Some days I wish I could be bad because it seems like the bad girls win. I wonder if he told her he had friends going to karaoke. If I were her I'd be wondering why his "friends" weren't more friendly. Part of me wishes I had said something to her. Just so you know, I was dating him last week. I didn't know we weren't dating anymore. Hope you have better luck than me. Nighty night!

Dating? The magic is gone for me. Friends? That won't be so easy.

Friendship is built not only on genuine concern and things in common but on trust and keeping one's word. For some bizarre reason, I remember not really believing him from one of the first things he said to me, though it proved true that he actually did hurt his shoulder playing bass and was indeed a professional musician.

If he actually asks me to hang out maybe I'll take a sip from my martini, a drag on my cigarette, savor both and say slowly, Gee. I'd really like to. But my readers wouldn't approve. And...(Wave hello to friend. Sip.) everyone in the group kind of thinks you're a jerk. Sip. Drag. Smoke ring. I say kind of to try and soften it. Yeah, I still don't smoke and I get drunk off one beer, but in high school I thought those things were soooo cool.

It's just like high school. I can't really escape him because we run in the same circle. At some point I will have to forgive him to keep the peace. I'm not sure that others will. As a teacher I can seriously relate to my students in an uncanny way.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Love is...Like Football--The Replacement

The night I met Bass was the second time I had run into J--I met J at a Superbowl party the week before and really liked him. I had high hopes of running into J again. I was flirting with J at a bowling alley mixer and then I met Bass, which hit me like a ton of bricks. Interception!

I must confess that I'm a bit of an incorrigible flirt. I had J help me tie my shoes, and another guy too. (First down!) It was fun. I sat on Js lap in between my turns and his turns. (First down!) He massaged my shoulder because it was hurting. (First down!)

I left J to get a drink and an ice pack. I returned and ended up talking to Bass because he also had a shoulder injury. (Interception) I felt torn. I liked J, but Bass stunned me. We had so much in common. Our conversation flowed effortlessly. It was like being struck by lightening.

We all went to a pool hall after bowling. Bass made sure he drove me to my car. (First down!) I sat at a table with J and Bass. The resonance between us became more and more obvious. Bass stole me from J that night. My fate was sealed when he walked me out to my car, leaving J with the rest of the group. What was I supposed to do? Sure, I liked J, but I wasn't sure if he was just flirting, though we had exchanged phone numbers. (Incomplete pass)

Bass not only asked for my phone number (Touchdown!), he asked me out. (Fieldgoal!) He asked me to do something that I really loved--see live music. (Touchdown!) The next night (Fieldgoal!) Bass won.

There was a lingering question as to what had been interrupted. It nagged at me. Had I hurt Js feelings? He wouldn't really talk to me on the phone after that night.

When Bass lied to me regarding his whereabouts, I thought of J and decided to take a risk. I invited him to go to karaoke with the group. Now I'm worried that I might hurt Bass by bringing J!!! J has always seemed nice. When we did talk he said he was a little bit over hanging out in my circle, but that it wasn't all bad, I met you. (Touchdown!) He's coming to karaoke. (Fieldgoal!) I'm supposed to have dinner with J before we all meet up for karaoke, so by then I'll know if I am still interested in J. He just might be able to turn this game around.

I wonder if Bass will try to get me back with competition. Was it all a game? was it real? Did he ever really care for me? I thought he did. I certainly cared for him. Bass was the first person I called after my accident because I knew he was driving a few hours that night and I was worried something could happen. My accident really freaked me out.

There's so much I just don't understand. Xtina told me Bass mentioned calling me right away about karaoke. Guys usually talk about girls who they care about. She said it seemed like we were very close when she saw us together. I know he's more relaxed with me than he is with other people--maybe that scared him.

Maybe I should stop worrying about Bass and move on. He hurt my feelings. I'm going to go with the philosphy that there is nothing like a new love to help you get over the old one. However some of this reminds me of Grease. Sandy dates sweet Roger when Danny misbehaves. Maybe I'll sing Hopelessly Devoted to You for karaoke. It also reminds me of The Replacements, because when the Pros are on stike. Everyday guys get to play.

I'll be sure to let y'all know what happens in the unfolding drama.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The Ex Files--Liars!

Staying friends with an ex can be downright weird--especially when little lies get involved.

Are some lies better than others? Juicier? How do you rate the caliber of a lie? Is keeping a secret a lie?

I decided to check his profile on Match just to see if he had hidden it. I get curious, ya know! He told that he was taking a brief respite from the dating scene. Interesting, but I didn't believe it. This was also two weeks ago, so maybe then he WAS taking a break THEN.

He posted a bunch of new pictures from the cruise that we were supposed to go on. I was outrageously amused. He looked like he had a GREAT time without me, which I sort of knew he would. There were shots of him with people he had just met and the friend he took with him on the criuse. At the time I had hoped he would get seasick, NAH, so much for that little wish. I'm glad he had fun and I got to see that. It makes me feel better about breaking up with him. If it didn't hurt that much then he didn't really care for me, right? Knew that too.

The thing that I realized is that he looks, well, a little bit obnoxious. Here's ME drinking a Corona with two girls I just met. Here's ME by the pool. Here's ME drinking a Corona and making a peace sign. Here's ME next to my mustang and in my military uniform. Here's ME under a sign that says FREE VIAGRA. Here's ME with my dad (ok, I'll back off on that one cos that's kind of sweet.) But in the Corona shot, he's got an expression on his face that makes him look like Beavis. Honestly, he looks like he's trying too hard.

I needed one more email to someone to keep going and get my extension on Match.com.

Hey there C,
Nice pics. BTW, you don't have to make things up for me. I didn't really believe you when you said you were taking a break. Talk to you later.


I still got a text message from him wishing me a Happy St. Pat's. He also relished his accomplishments at the local shooting range. A perfect score or something.

But seriously, what is it with lying these days? I mean, why lie to me? It's not like I'm going to get back together with him. That's an error of commission, meaning he actually did something. He lied.

I suppose I tell my lies too... I never told him that I was seeing other people up to the week before he asked me to be his girlfriend! I also told him all about Bass and I haven't told him that things didn't work out so hot. But we don't talk that much, so why would I call him and tell him? That's an error of omission, meaning I left it out. I'm not really lying, right?

I did really care for this guy at one time, but I honestly wonder if we are really friends.

I quote Howard Jones, 80s solo artist.
What is love anyway? Does anybody love anybody anyway? Whoa. Whoa.

Monday, March 17, 2008

I Know What You Did Last Night

You lied.

Bass flat out lied for no real reason.

How did I find out?

Well, a group in my circle has been talking about going karaokeing for a long time, Bass included. I called Xtina to follow up about karaoke since we had talked about going when Bass was out of town. Her first words:
Xtina: Hey D, are you going to the St. Patrick's Day pub crawl? It's going to be so fun and Bass is going to be there...
Savvy: Oh, whatever. I'm not going because I just got into an accident and I kind of hurt pretty bad. I'm taking meds that don't mix with drinking. Seriously, I'm like all WHEE!!
Xtina: Oh man, that's terrible! How's your car?
Savvy: Well I'm at the place to have it get checked out. It's pretty bad, my doors are totally messed up. Hey, let's do karaoke this weekend. I SERIOUSLY need to do something fun!
Xtina: Cool! I was going to call you to let you know about it! We're going on Friday.
Savvy: Only Bass can't come, OK?
Xtina: Oh, he already knows about it because he was there last night when we talked about it.
Savvy: Oh, sweet Lord! Do you know he told me he was with his parents? I knew he was actually there at the dance thingie.
Xtina: Oh my gosh, what a jerk!
Savvy: Seriously! I haven't pushed him at all. He was the one who was saying you're so pretty, you're so hot, did you like what you saw when you met me because that's important, you can finally spend time with me over spring break, I'm gonna stop by and see you on my way home, we can spend all summer together. That's some way to treat someone who you call your only friend.
Xtina: Wow! What a jerk!
Seriously, men stink. Just ignore him on Friday!

Savvy: Don't worry, I will.

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't lie in a small circle of friends.

Let me explain my philosophy. He's not my boyfriend, that means he's under no obligation. We don't have a commitment. But people did know that we were seeing each other or that we had gone out a few times. So there is just no need to make things up. He went on and on about wanting to come see me and wanting to do things with me. He talked about my spring break, Good, you can finally spend some time with me.

He talked about spending all summer long with him.

He even criticized how flakey people can be in this town.

And then he, himself, FLAKED. And WORSE, LIED about what he was doing.

The thing is, why bother? Why tell me that he was getting together with his parents and then go out with the group to a dance event?? Seriously!! Why not just tell me you are going to the dance thing?

And the thing is, I KNEW. I knew he had lied even before Xtina confirmed it with me. Something in me just knew even when my friends were saying to me to give him a break because he was attractive and interesting and seemed to be interested in me. And because he said, Alot of people don't understand that's how it is with us guys on the road. Sometimes we're gone for two weeks at a time. Friends were saying maybe he's still on the road in his mind or something. Or one friend told me, You're a great catch. He'll be back.

It never bothered me that he was on the road performing. He kept in touch via calling and via text.

I thought I was dealing with a normal person, but then I realized that this wasn't the first time that he had promised the world on a platter and then pulled away. Why promise at all? I'm just saying!! Why talk about a future or things you will do or where you will go with someone? It's unkind. It makes you look unreliable when you don't follow through.

I should have learned a long time ago that people like to just talk. I used to sell gym memberships and oh, the STORIES I would hear about people wanting to lose weight and get in shape!! One guy talked to me for HOURS on the phone. My goodness, they couldn't IMAGINE putting a price on their health. But oops, when I gave a price it was just too much too pay when they could do it using their home gym which had been gathering dust and used as a clothes hanger for the past 15 years. I saw this happen several times over in my own family with exercise equipment. The best of intentions fly to hell in a handbasket. The home equipment is the very handbasket in which it flies.

I really wanted to BELIEVE that he intended all of those things because that would have been sooo cool.

I get the impression that nothing was intended at all, so I guess those unintended things go to hell in a handbasket, too. Along with our friendship.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Books Nice Girls Shouldn't Read

There are lots of Christian dating books out there. Read these books after you've read those. Even with a Christian philosphy in their hearts and minds, Christian guys are still guys. We all know they can be jerks. And Christian girls could learn a little from being a "bitch."

All Men Are Jerks Until Proven Otherwise
Why it's good:
It's a freeing philosophy that goes hand in hand with the idea that he's just not that into you until he does something above and beyond to make sure you know he's interested. Until he proves he is trustworthy and involved in your life, keep doing what you do. If doesn't treat you right, move on. Make dating about fun, don't plan a future together. If you don't have fun with him there isn't really a future. Sometimes guys talk about a future and then don't make it happen. Take this at face value. You can't change him. Do your own thing. Don't treat him like he's a jerk, just move on. And REALLY LOOK at his behavior without making excuses for it. Don't communicate with words, communicate with actions. Do what men do when they want to think about things, they become distant, they get busy. Men understand this. She also has tips for staying in control of yourself and your mouth. This is not the first time I've heard this philosophy.

Why it's bad:
This book has the philosophy of sex before marriage as a given. But if you are going to be out there doing it, the author advises you to play it safe and delay being intimate as long as possible. After all, there are alot of jerks out there. But you basically shouldn't be having sex with a guy who is too big of a jerk to make sure you are safe.

Why Men Marry BITCHES:
Why it's good:
Really the title is a misnomer. It's really more about why men marry women who respect themselves. In this book being a bitch just means you have a life, you set boundaries, you don't make a man your only priority and you can take care of yourself. Even Christian men will respond to some of these tactics. It also give responses nice girls can use to put a man in his place if he tries to take things to far. There are, after all, alot of guys, even Christian guys who will try things with you. I really like the side by side comparisons that list a man's behavior, what he is trying to accomplish by it and then gives responses to it. It also compares the difference between when a guy is testing you and when he is disrepecting you.

Why it's bad:
Again, it assumes the same philosophy of having sex before marriage. It does give techniques for handling this well and making better choices about who you will sleep with. I like the page that begins with, "We reserve the right to refuse service if... but still, it not something Christians are supposed to be doing. Yeah, sure I've been THINKING about it. I CONSIDERED it with my ex-boyfriend. But I have to be honest, I'm not seriously considering it right now. Even if my philosophy were different, I would have felt like a fool if I had been intimate with Bass and then not seen him for two weeks.


My personal example:
Bass has just come back from being out of town for a show. He was supposed to get together with me on his way back in. He chose to go home and will be going to visit with his parents and grandmother since his parents decided to randomly drop in. Or did they?? I also know that some of our aquintances are getting together to go to the ballet and have dinner. Could be that he decided to join them. It doesn't matter either way.

Savvy: We've been keeping in touch and that's been great. But I haven't seen you in two weeks. Do you think that's a bit weird?
Bass: No. Alot people don't understand that's how it is with us guys on the road. We might be out for two weeks at a time. Has it really been two weeks?
Savvy: Yes.
Bass: Well, I feel pretty good, so let's see how I feel later especially since you don't have to work tomorrow.
Savvy: You know what, it's all good, I'm actually a little bit grouchy. I'm trying to take it easy on the meds. I'm still in my PJs so I would have had to get ready. I need to practice my music to lead a sectional and I might go to the gym to see how that feels.

Bass: In your PJs? Seriously, you should take your time and relax.

Seriously, I'm a little bit annoyed that he's flaking on me. But I have other things to do. Things might turn around later, but there are two things to look at. In the BITCH book, this is a test. He is trying to see how flexible I am. He wants to know that I'm not going to throw a tantrum or something. According to the JERK theory, this isn't the first time he has flaked on doing something he's talked about. In other words, I shouldn't take him seriously. Maybe we really are just friends.

Is this the same guy who talked all about taking me out, was willing to take a different route just to see me, talked about all the things we could do over spring break and over the summer. Yep, the same guy. He even said about spring break, Good. You can finally spend some time with me.

According to both books, I should take a step back and get busy doing my own thing. If I were to have a long term relationship with him, that's basically what I would have to do anyway. I would have to take into consideration that he might be gone alot, sometimes two weeks at a time. They've gone to Japan and all kinds of crazy stuff. I would still have to have my own life.

Seriously, I should get started on my taxes anyway. I do them myself. Now might be a really good time to get my nails done and treat myself in some way since my neck is cramping up again. Ouch. Was I really thinking about going out? I feel gross.

I texted him to let him know that I had stuff to do this evening and couldn't see him. I was going to practice music and cuddle with an ice pack. I'm going to take care my own stuff. I'm going to treat myself out to dinner and leave my phone at home. Seriously, now that I think of it, I'm glad I'm not going out with him. My neck really hurts and I have a headache.

Saturday, March 15, 2008


Call me Mary and take me to Bethlehem because it would have to be an immaculate conception! I had a car accident that landed me in the Emergency Room. They no longer believe a woman when she says she isn't pregnant. (The other person is at fault. She hit my car doors on the driver's side. See the nice dent?)

As I walked into triage, tears rolled down my face from the cramping in my neck. The male nurse who looked like on of the Doobie Brothers with his long grey hair and beard handed me some tissues and asked:
Nurse: What was the last date of your menstrual period?
Savvy: I don't know, but I'm about to start again.
Nurse: So, about a month ago?
Savvy: Yes.
Nurse: Is there any chance you might be pregnant?
Savvy: No.
Nurse: Here's an ice pack for your neck. You can take the box of tissues.

I thought we were done with that.

I waited 5 hours and asked for 3 more ice packs before even being seen by a doctor for all of about 5 minutes. He decided we would have to do a CT scan to make sure nothing was broken. Of course, he asked again,
Doc: Is there any chance you could be pregnant?
Savvy: No.

I was told to put on one of those sexy gowns. I didn't take off my pants. I covered up with a blanket so the nurses wouldn't know. The last time I went to the ER, the Xray tech ended up lifting the blanket and checking out my legs for an uncomfortable amount of time. I didn't want to go through that again. I wasn't thinking through this rationally, but the image of it did flash through my mind. I was staying covered up. That's how I KNOW I'm not pregnant, by the way!!

A yucky nurse came by with something. She unwrapped it.
Nurse: We need a urine sample for a pregnancy test. Do you think you can do that?
Savvy: But I'm not pregnant.
Nurse: Are you sure?
Savvy: Yes. This isn't really necesary.
Nurse: Well, wouldn't you want to know so you can take care of your baby?
Savvy: But I'm NOT PREGNANT!

She left in a huff to fetch the doctor. I must be some kind of raging lunatic because a caring person would want to know for sure if she were pregnant or not. I was on my fifth ice pack and my neck was spasming. I was very irritable. I used some more tissues for the tears that were welling up. I was crying for pain and for the insult to my character.

The doctor came back. Incidentally he has the same last name as Bass (the guy I've been seeing), there was a patient with his same first name and a lady in the waiting room who was from Las Vegas near where his band was playing this weekend.
Doc: We do this for women of childbearing age just to make sure.
Savvy: But I'm SURE. Do you need you need me to explain to you about the birds and the bees and how babies are made?
Doc: No. It's just something we have to do.
Savvy: But I KNOW I'm not preganant.
Doc: Unfortunately that won't hold up in a court of law.
Savvy: I didn't have to do this the last time I went to the hospital and had to get x-rays.
Doc: I wouldn't get near that doctor if I were you.
Savvy: Well, call me Mary and take me to Bethlehem because it would have to be an immaculate conception. By the way would you bring me a large glass of water because I went to the bathroom before I knew about this.

What bullsh-t.

Nurse Yucky came back and she could see my pants.
I'm not taking them off. And you can't make me since my neck is the problem. I don't take them off. That's how I know I'm not pregnant!
She didn't say anything, so I said:
Thanks for the water. I'll see what I can do.

Eventually after waiting for 40 minutes for a urine sample the Nurse Yucky came by again. Drinking two glasses of water hadn't done very much.
Nurse: Would you like use to just take some blood for the test?
Savvy: That sounds like a great idea!

But I really, really hate needles, so I gave it one last shot. I was so angry over not being believed that I wasn't pregnant that I could barely contain myself.
Lemonade anyone? Here it is.

Sure enough, I'm not pregnant. I had the CT scan. The xray tech and I laughed about keeping my pants on, though keeping my bra on was not an option since it made the CT scanner go wiggy. Things got better after that doctor left for the day. A really nice Filipina nurse brought me a sandwich while I waited for the results to be read by a doctor in Sweden or Australia or something bizarre like that because they outsource everything. Thank God nothing is broken. 9 hours from the time I walked in, I was leaving the ER feeling totally incensed. Part of the delay was from OUTSOURCING. Part of the delay was from taking an UNNECCESARY test.

I still don't understand why my word means nothing. A woman's word doesn't mean anything. Sometimes I think I might as well be having sex with everyone since that's clearly what everyone expects women are doing. I feel insulted because I don't and no one believes that. Seriously, it's not the first time a doctor's eyes have gone a little bit wide when I tell them I'm not sexually active. How about you?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

For Whom the Phone Rings

It rings for meeee! Bass called me about 2 hours after I posted my last entry. I seriously feel dumb. Maybe it's the books I've been reading that lead me to think dumb things. Maybe it was tiredness from the time change that made me emotional. Maybe it was a combination of both.

When he called we talked about things I have been up to, he wanted to know all about the sushi making party I attended. Then he found out what a great time I had at a Morrocan restaurant. I told him who I was sitting with and all the funny things that we talked about. And then Bass and I laugh alot when we talk on the phone.

I sent him a little video of me dancing with a belly dancer at the restaurant. He started talking about stopping by on his way back from his next gig and spending time together over my spring break.
You can finally spend some time with me. He said as if I hadn't been wanting that all along.

Seriously, I feel dumb. Why in the world was I freaking out? A guy I met at the sushi making party said, Don't worry. Just give him some space. He won't go far. You're a great catch. I couldn't help but worry until he called. It's ingrained in the female psyche. We worry when we don't hear from the guy because experience has shown us that there are alot of jerks out there. There are also nice guys who turn commitmentphobic. They aren't as ready as they thought they were for a relationship and take a powder, inadvertently becoming jerks in the process. I thought he might be a jerk. I can't help it.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Nothing Means Anything

You KNOW what a bad date means. Clearly there was something WRONG with pairing the two of you for an evening, forget a second date, much less a relationship. But in our mixed up modern world, a great date doesn't neccessarily mean anything either.

I had a really awesome time with Bass. Every date I had never laughed so hard with anyone. We had such a great time talking. We had some great phone conversations. We've texted each other for days on end. Hours of silly text messages while he was away with his band made my day go by more smoothly and happily. There was no doubt in my mind that history would repeat itself. He came back from one trip after calling me three times, eager to talk and see me again. We made a date for the next night since I had an easy schedule for the following day. He was asking me things that made me think he was serious.

Did you like what you saw when you met me?
Yes, but I didn't know if we had anything to talk about.
But you were attracted?
Good. That's important.

He also noticed littled things about me. My cute gloves, my cute scarves. He gave me a nickname.

But then things sort of trailed off. He came back from one trip and called me saying Sorry I didn't call you sooner.
I'll forgive you this time. haha
Yeah but next time I better be texting you as soon as I land.
Haha. No, I accept reality.

He was too tired to join me for the concert he was supposed to go to. He seriously was too tired. I heard him yawning on the other end. He didn't make plans to see me again but knew I was going to go bowling again on Monday. He was there.

We hugged and he touched my scarf. Scarfie.
I touched his face. Scruffy.
Seriously, I thought we were going to be fine. But then I sold myself a little short. I knew we weren't on a date. I knew he hadn't asked me out. But next thing I knew I was at his place so we could ice our shoulders. It was kind of cute. Then it turned into a rather intense makeout session.

He left two days later wanting to go to a sushi making party that I was attending. We went for sushi on one of our dates. He contacted me often from Buffalo. I swear I have something in the neighborhood of 100 text messages. He called me while he waited to go on for the concert Saturday. He texted me to find out if I had made it to the party. He texted me after they finished. I sent him pictures of us making sushi and a really cute one of me.
How cuteeeeeeeee!! Who took that picture?? Who all's there?
The next day he texted me when he got back in town.
How was the gig?
Did you meet any handsome men?
Ya, but he was lame.

And now nothing. Nothing at all. He wass in freaking Buffalo texting me in three feet of snow because he missed me. Now he's back in town and nothing??

I don't get it. I just don't. We seriously have so much in common. Maybe I shouldn't have joked about us being just friends, but he quickly corrected me, We're dating friends. Doesn't that mean we go on, like, you know--DATES? And fabulous ones at that? We have so much in common. Wouldn't he try to see me again before he goes away again to Reno next weekend? I seriously don't get it.

I'm just saying, nothing means anything anymore.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Needing Space from Bass

Things are weird with Bass. I think I need some space. Apparently he does too. In some ways I don't get it. We have so much fun together, we are attracted to each other. We have real chemistry and like each other as friends too. But right now I'm all weirded out. I'm not happy with something I did.

The funny thing about needing space is that the need comes and goes. I really don't know what to think. I started joking with him that we were just friends and he
didn't really seem to like that. He said, "We're dating friends." But then I said something about having to leave because my other boyfriends might get jealous. He said, "I have no doubt that you can date other people. You're free to do so if you wish." Crap. Actually I don't wish to. That was dumb. Or maybe it was the old principle of letting someone go if you love them. Being with someone is a choice.

He also said lots of things that let me know he cares. He wanted me to call him when I was safe after leaving his place. He told me, "I wanted to get to know you because I felt like I can trust you." At bowling on Monday, he turned to me and said, "I'm glad you're here because then I can be myself." I was finally able to notice that he's incredibly reserved with other people, something he dropped very quickly with me.

The thing I did that I'm not proud of beyond toying a little bit is that I went back to his place for a little bit. We had just been bowling and both wanted to ice our shoulders. I thought it would be fun if we did it together. I have to say it was. Sitting on the couch with a large ice pack covering our injured shoulders was really nice. But then it led to other things. In case you're wondering, after we stopped, he said, "See, we don't have to take anything off." So nothing came off, but we were both very turned on. I've never been that turned on with anyone.

I'm mostly disappointed with myself because bowling with a group is not a date. Also we don't have any kind of commitment and there I was at his place. He is someone that I care about and I would like to still know him if things don't work out.

I kept my distance for about three days and then I texted him. After all, we are at least texting each other!

Savvy: Hey there sweet friend. Hope your trip is going well. Icing our shoulders together was fun & thanks for keeping me awake on the road. I was delirious.
I really hope texting that excuses me from talking about the night I was researching serial killers on the web. I really was deliriously tired after staying up so late.
Bass: You rock! Sweet child o' mineeeeeeee. Hope your week with the kiddies is good.
Savvy: Big Weirdo! LOL! I snorted!
Bass: Snortypants!
Savvy: Yep Snortypants.
Bass: Snuffalufaguspants.
Savvy: You really are bad man!
Bass: What did I do this time?
Savvy: Made me snort laugh again.
Bass: Purple teletubby pants.
Bass: Rackin' up the snorts!
Savvy: I always need a good laugh after writing 4 detentions for snottiness.
Bass: Schoolsies
Bass: How r u feeling?
Savvy: Kinda tired.
Bass: What'd you do?
Savvy: Just 5 more minutes.
Bass: Oh that nighttttt!
Bass: Dude, we are by niagara falls here you don't have to ice your shoulder. You just walk outside.
Savvy: N-ice.
Bass: ;-)

Sunday, March 2, 2008

We're Texting Each Other

Perhaps we need a new euphemism for attempting a relationship. Instead of saying we're dating, seeing each other or talking (a Southern expression) we'll start to say, We're texting each other.

I really wish I had a Blackberry with a full QWERTY keyboard so I could text really fast and keep up with all the guys I am texting. But then again, sometimes I think texting is really lame.

Bass went to Seattle recently. I really thought we'd have seen each other by now since he came back on Friday. It's Sunday. I could totally understand texting while he was in Seattle. You do what you can to stay in touch on the the road. But now he's been back for a couple of days. We have no plans to see each other. But we are texting each other. A lot.

I've already been through this with another guy. At least he had something of a (flimsy) reason for not wanting to talk on the phone. He stutters slightly. It didn't really bother me that much, but he was self-conscious about it.

Bass has no such reason.

He was too tired to go with me to a concert Friday. It was part of a conference I was attending, so I went by myself. The next day we had briefly mentioned going to an amusment park--discount tickets were also a part of the conference for me. It rained. We talked on the phone and he was a little weird singing songs to me instead of giving me a straight answer when I asked him if he wanted to make plans to see each other.

But then he was texting me after that. I picked up my phone to find 3 text messages waiting at one point. He had texted me 10 messages from Seattle and a girl told me that she didn't think I had anything to worry about if he was texting me that much.

But then he didn't call me again yesterday evening. I just don't know up from down. I decided to take a break from my phone today and leave it at home while I went to the gym and bought some lunch. I needed time to think.

I came back and found 6 text messages all from Bass. One of them wished me a good day and the other called me his sweet baby.

I don't get it anymore. If I'm his sweet baby, how is it that we haven't seen each other at all since he's been back? He's just going to go away again on Wednesday without a date or seeing him.

So, in summary, we aren't seeing each other because I haven't seen him. We aren't dating though we have dated. We aren't talking because we hardly talk. But we are texting each other.

I wonder how a girl supposed to stay interested in a relationship with so many text messages but no live interaction?

I guess that's how it is when you are texting each other. He's still single at 37, so you tell me.

My mom thinks it's weird. My dad says it sounds like he is still interested and I should keep being nice to him so I have a place to leave my car and a ride to the airport when I go to San Francisco.

Read more--How's Your Text Life? Is it satisfying?