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Sunday, February 3, 2008

Why Can't We Be Friends?

Is it possible to be friends with an unpopular ex? Is it possible that the alarm bells going off in everyone's head were false? I don't have the answers. All I know is that I have to try.

I have to know that he actually cared about me. I shared his bed, I thought about being intimate with him (we did some things but didn't go all the way), I contemplated making a future with him. Now that we are broken up, the pressure is off. Is it possible that we'll be OK?

Let's be honest, men have been known to be dogs throughout history. History repeats itself. But let's remember, dogs are trainable. Perhaps we have trained men's doggy behavior to be worse because we ladies have lost our feminine power. That's how it is with dogs and owners. Just a theory.

In any case, as friends, the pressure to be intimate is gone. The pressure to make a relationship work despite difficult circumstances and past experiences is gone. It won't matter if he talks about his exs or if I talk about mine. We can just enjoy each other's company and hang out. I genuinely liked this person. Yes, even though he was a complete dog at the end. Wasn't that just a way of trying to get me to break up with him? Well, now we are broken up. Problem solved.

I don't have to worry about him breaking up with me AFTER we have sex because he knows I wouldn't have sex with someone who isn't my boyfriend. In fact, I wouldn't be with my boyfriend unless I know it's serious. I don't have to worry about pregnancy or herpes or work things out in the bedroom. My issues and inexperience are no longer HIS issues. So he has family issues, a horrible childhood that he still isn't over, an anxiety disorder and some anger issues. As his girlfriend, these were PROBLEMS. As a friend, I can laugh it off. Oh, that's just HIM. Hahaha!

Maybe he's so used to women dumping him that when a really great lady like me came along, he realized he wasn't as ready as he thought. Maybe we both changed when we made a commitment. Maybe our communication level was only good enough for friendship in the first place and trying to make it be more was the mistake. Maybe we'll try again once we know each other better. Or maybe familiarity will breed distress and contempt.

It's just that when some really crazy things went down at work, I really wanted to call him and have him be my friend knowing full well that he had been a bad dog. I can be right, but I can also be alone. I made a vow to only date guys I can be friends with. So he might be a dog to other women, or maybe not. I'm a really good dog trainer--I'll just grab him by the jowls, look him in the eye and say NO, bad dog!

The only reason why I didn't break up with him first is because I didn't want to lose him completely. I do care. And I think he cares too.

Aren't you ever curious to know if you can be friends with an ex?


Anonymous said...

I have had two break ups in my life time with long term exes. One I am friends with and one I am not. Children seem to have play in friendships after relationships break up. I know the ex I had children with, I cannot be friends with. He doesn't maintain decent contact with his children and doesn't pay child support. So, when the bitterness of the relationship, for personal reasons, surpasses, I still have the issues of "how can he treat his children this way?" That is what keeps us from being friends.

My first ex, I had no children with and since we are past the "personal" issues, we are friends and even 15 years later, we still email each other.

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Sophia Sparx said...

Unfortunately, I don't think it's possible to stay friends with exes. There are too many complications. That doesn't mean that you can't email for birthdays or find out how their family is. It just means no hanging out or long phone calls. More at http://sophiasparx.blogspot.com