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Saturday, February 16, 2008

No Date Required

I don't need a date to figure out that a guy is totally wrong for me. Neither do you! Get to know someone in a hurry! I'll teach you how! Just listen up when you first meet a guy.

Bachelor #1
I went to a Valentine's Day party. I sat next to a man who started telling me about himself. I'm from Chicago, so I'm used to being direct. I like women who are direct.
I'm direct.
That's good. My ex-wife was not. Actually, you remind me of her a little bit. I mean that as a compliment. Huh? I don't even know him, why tell me about his ex? I sure don't even want to go on a date with someone who is comparing me to his ex wife.

So, did you guys have kids? 10 years is a long time to have been with someone.
No, we didn't. I'm diabetic, my mom was diabetic, my dad was diabetic, my grandparents were diabetic. It's just not something I want to pass on.

Me either. I moved on.

Bachelor #2
So, tell me about these funky glasses you're wearing.
These are my sports glasses because my real glasses broke. They're bullet proof and shatter resistant. Perfect for rock climbing. Oh. Whatever. They were really thick. We made small talk about glasses, he showed me his stepped on glasses, etc.
This party sucks, why don't we get out of here and go bowling or something. I just don't see anything I'm looking for here.

What are you looking for?
Wow. Do you want me to just open up to you and tell you everything?
Um, no. What an idiot. How about the short version.
I'm looking for a woman who wants to travel with me and can put up with my shit. I don't care about picking stuff up and putting it away. I'm looking for someone who will do the dishes after I cook. And I'm looking for someone who can put up with the fact that I like to drink and I like to smoke marijuana. I'm high now, but not high enough. I'm high most of the time.
I see. It doesn't seem to do much to mellow you out.
No not much.
I think I would like to get my palm read. I'm next! I cheerfully sat in the chair.

When I saw another girl making a glazed over expression while talking to him, I knew what that was about and I helped her by waving to her. She cut away. "How have you been since the last party? It's so good to see you again. Thanks for getting me away from him. Oh my God he's weird."

Bachelor #3
The Palm Reader looked over at me. Come here, sweetie. See this guy's hand? He has what you need. And see her hand, she has what you need. You guys should talk. Uhh, ok. We tried, but basically most of our conversations up to that point started with me singing songs with his name in it.
Come on and marry me Bill.
Yeah, my heart stood still. Yeah, his name was Bill. Da do run run.

He's my Bill from Showboat.

I felt like an idiot. We tried to make conversation, but it was awkward and stilted. He's going to be at a bowling event tonight, so I guess we will figure it out then.

Bachelor #2 interrupted us trying to talk and told us we were the coolest people there because we were non-judgemental.
He just doesn't know that we've been gossiping about him!

Bachelor #4
I went to a Pub Crawl with some friends and had some similar experiences.

I was sort of into #4. He was cute, intelligent and had a decent job and all. He said he really likes to read, mainly non-fiction.
Really? That's cool, me too. Um, yeah. Decided not to tell him that I keep a blog about dating and have reviewed some non-fiction books about dating.
I read this book recently that your personality is determined, not by genetics by by how much your mother used to hug you.
Really? Do you need a hug?
Yes, I do.
I didn't feel like your mother when I just hugged you.
I hope not! What would you like to drink? I'll get you something. I'll be right back.
I'll be right here.

Sweet. Buying a drink for you = interested in you, right? After a few more bars and a few more drinks, he confessed that his relationships never last because of his job which requires alot of travel and late nights. 4 out of 6 relationships started with sex on the first date. In other words, sex on the first date is still a bad idea.

I watched him get more and more sloshed and begin buying rounds for everyone on the company credit card. He could write it off as a business expense. I guess I was the first to be treated to his card and a drink, but it seemed like no big deal. He held my hand regretfully as I left. Whatever. I might like to see what he is like when he is sober. I might text him when he comes back from DC. But then, again I might not. He's already told me that he's not such a great choice.

Let's review:
1. Doesn't want to have children because he is diabetic.
2. Constantly high.
3. Worth getting back to? Maybe not.
4. Possibly insincere. Not much time for dating/relationships.

I wonder why men just tell me these things. I'm glad they do, so we aren't wasting anybody's time. It's better to know upfront without a date. Rather than a miserable 2 hour ordeal, why not have a compact 20 minutes or even 10 that tells you everything you need to know about why someone wouldn't be a good choice for you and who you might be interested in getting back to?

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