What counts as sex? I’ve got number anxiety. My new boyfriend has had a lot more partners and experience than I have. Rather than 28, he says that he should have told me 56 because you are supposed to divide whatever number a guy tells you by half. Whatever number a girl tells you, you are supposed to add 3 or double it. But, he didn’t exactly tell me. I found out by accident. See What’s Your Number?
It made me wonder what I should count, so I asked my boyfriend.
“Does sex with your clothes on count as sex? Does oral sex count as sex?”
“Well, if we apply the Bill Clinton rule it doesn’t.”
“Yeah, but oral sex, you can still get an STD, so that’s definitely sex. And if you keep your clothes on you get to have fun and explore intimacy without any of the risks. But some people wouldn’t call that sex.”
There are 2 guys I actually slept with, though I only told him about one. R was 14 years older than me and had 3 kids. I really loved him, but we had such different experience levels. And then there was Q but it was date rape the first time. I was a virgin and then I suddenly wasn't anymore. I didn't know how to get out of the relationship. "What's the big deal, we've done it before," isn't what I'd call romantic, but I guess it was effective.
When I think about it, it isn’t exactly pure and virginal in the strictest sense of the word to simulate sex with your clothes on. Maybe you call it mutual masturbation, dry humping or Levi Lovin’ but you grind until you have an orgasm. My current boyfriend and I considered it a “preview.” My ex-fiance and I used this as a staple to explore sex before we got married. I often felt guilty about it because we had agreed to wait until we got married. My first real boyfriend, Jeff, felt so bad that he couldn't keep his hands off me that he broke up with me because he was a nice Christian boy. RIGHT! We never did it and everything we did was his idea.
Does phone sex count? A guy from my church youth group called me and asked a bunch questions about how far I would let him go on the phone. He never asked me for a date. I felt a little violated after.
Rather than seeing these activities (and few others) as a step along the way to get to know each other, my ex-boyfriend considered ours to be a “BS high school relationship.” Part of the problem was that Zephyr wasn’t really my by boyfriend, we didn’t have a commitment. The other part was that he was/is a pothead. His anger and calling me a prude made going all the way with him very unattractive. After all, what kind of Baby Daddy would he be?
Everything I did with Zephyr (which wasn't much), I was simultaneously doing with Ray. Ray was very kind and patient, not ready for a commitment after breaking up with his fiancé and also a pothead. He came to my party, Zephyr was absent and he stayed over after our -ahem- exploration. I had stayed over with Zephyr just two nights before.
Oh, in the midst of all of this, I went out with Chris, a classical guitarist and teacher who I met at the gym. We got sloshed and he comforted me about Zephyr who didn't show up for my birthday party. "I'm here. You should dump him and be with me." We made out on the roof of my apartment building. I know he called to apologize and was still hopeful about us dating. He had been a little forceful or I had been a little too freaked out by a 3rd guy in the mix. I couldn't bring myself to call him back.
I've been accused of being a prude. Would a prude have done all of that?
Hmmm, maybe I should rethink how many partners I have had. This all makes the number a little higher. As soon as you are pleasing each other sexually, aren’t they a sexual partner even if your clothes stay on? I feel slutty!
I’m just glad I don’t have to count all the guys I have kissed!!
When it comes to kissing, I’ve been really slutty. At one time, I sat with a fellow college freshman and we counted all of the people we had kissed and wrote down 25 names each. It was an innocent precursor to a much more highly charged conversation with my current boyfriend.
I stopped counting when I hit 100 guys. I have forgotten most of their names. I had no idea I’d kiss so many guys without finding the One. How many more will it be? Not only do I not want to count, I honestly want to avoid kissing guys on the first date so I don’t add any more. I'm not even counting European style kissing on the cheek!
Not counting the guys I kissed, my adjusted total is 8.
So, what’s your real number?
Update: I am now of the persuasion that pleasuring each other sexually is for marriage. God forgives us, certainly, but repentance is key. If you want to stay pure, it means making certain choices about how you live your life before you are caught up in the moment.
What’s Your Number?
What's your real number
How to get to a high number