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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Good thing I got out!!


Isn't it funny how people always save their real opinions for when you break up with someone?? Two of my cousins worked for a battered women's shelter and they helped me see it's a good thing I got out! Here are the signs that he might be abusive! I didn't want to believe it!!

What are the signs of an abuser? Here are some that I was dealing with:

Your friends and family don't like him. Most people won't say anything if your boyfriend is decent. They won't even tell you if they think he's annoying. But if they don't like him and are worried for you you can kind of tell. But somehow I didn't think he was capable of it when they were worried he could be violent. He had been so charming and sweet at first. He made me laugh, we had alot in common and he was totally OK with us taking things slowly.

Quick involvement. I was thrilled about the idea of going on a cruise with him, but wasn't it kind of soon? We had only been dating for a month and half, only been committed for a week. I was thrilled at first, but then I felt pressured and worried that he would be angry if we didn't have sex on the cruise. How romantic is it if one partner isn't really ready?

Swearing. Yes, my ex-sweetie swears. Not in a funny, authority challenging teenager way but in an angry way.

Anger. Lots of things made him angry. We're talking angrier than he should have been. He would overreact. One time when I was over at his place, he flipped off the television when a candidate he didn't like came on. I was really uncomfortable.

Road Rage. People who didn't signal, etc. made him REALLY angry. They would scare me, or I might get a little upset, but he would go off. Dumb drivers are just a part of life---that's why driver's education and traffic school focus on defensive driving.

Objectification of women. My cousins said he wouldn't stop checking them out, especially their breasts. He did this to me on the first date but I thought it normal since he was considering dating me. Um, maybe I shouldn't have let it go.

Bitch. That word disgusts me and I am usually wary of someone who calls any woman a bitch. It shows a general disrespect of women and that they don't take responsibility in a breakup. I have always vowed not to date any man who calls any of his ex-girlfriends a bitch--or for that matter, any woman. He called Hillary Clinton a bitch. I may not agree with her political views, but I have a great amount of respect for her and her accomplishments.

Blames others for his problems. Through we all have problems at work, sometimes we have to take responsibility for our half of it. He said he signed a card when a superior retired, "Thanks for all you did to destroy my career." WOW!! Seriously! Most people would opt out of signing the card!

Weapons. I'm not uptight about guns or anything, but he was always packing. He was mugged many years ago and still seems really wound up about it. He has 11 guns. Going to the shooting range was, "A great way to blow off steam."

He scares you. When he couldn't find his fanny pack so that he could take his weapon with him for a short walk, he got really angry. He found it later and was laughing about it, but I couldn't forget how angry he got. I kept saying things to get him to calm down. "Oh, I'm sure it's somewhere!" Meanwhile, I felt like hiding under the covers. The road rage was scary too. He said he wasn't angry AT me just NEAR me. Still...

Dual Personality. Truthfully, I could tell that they didn't really like him. But I didn't know exactly why except for the swearing. He had been quite charming with me up until then. We were having fun together, he made me laugh. But I was starting to see more of a dark side. Sometimes he was very depressed and irritable. Other times he was the life of the party.

He ignores you. A relationship is a two way street. Sometimes you need support or attention from your partner. He wanted me to throw caution to the wind and sleep with him anyway even though I wasn't getting my needs met and wasn't completely ready to trust him. I didn't hear from him enough to hold my interest and prepare for greater intimacy. Plus he broke up with me just as I was having problems at work. Great guy, huh?

Abused at home. He grew up in an unstable home with a manic depressive father--I often wondered if he was showing signs of depression or mania with his irritability. His father's instability affected the family profoundly. His father neglected them due to his depression and he grew up dirt poor because he spent everything when he was manic. He says alot of negative things about his mother and I suspect she may have been abusive. But, quite frankly, if he's not on medication or getting help, then I don't want to be around.

There really was alot more. It bothered me that he constantly mentioned old girlfriends. I didn't like that he said they turned into cold fish on him. My first thought was to wonder what HE did that made them react that way! Alot of women work really hard at relationships, but if a man is scary in some way that's all the reason some women need to end it. He has a long pattern of short relationships. Hmm, and ours was one of them.

Honestly, I feel bad, but not devastated. He broke up with me, so that makes it easier. These kinds of guys are really hard to break up with and he may have become really angry if I broke up with him. Some girl rejected him when he showed up without being invited to give her a gift and letter declaring his devotion to her. She wasn't interested and he wouldn't take no for an answer. I didn't think he had a healthy sense of boundaries...what made him think I wanted to hear about someone else?

Maybe it's a good thing I didn't act first in the breakup. It's better that I not let on that I'm glad to be out and that he thinks it was his idea. One of my cousins agrees. She says she'll understand if I go back to him but begged me not to. I wouldn't be able to trust him again. I guess that would make me a cold fish and he doesn't like them!!



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Read more online

Early warning signs and symptoms:
http://www.dvert.org/info/warningsigns.asp
Classic signs:
http://www.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib/20070405/news_1c05abby.html

Avoid Losers and Abusers:
feministjournal.com/loser.html

2 comments:

single/certain said...

D! omg!!! i'm so glad you got away from that guy. my roommate was dating a guy who was emotionally abusive and it was not good at all.

h said...

I'm glad you got out.

This world at times mininizes the effects that these types of relationships have on people.

Thank you for writing on this very important subject!