Sunday, January 20, 2008
Dating Books I Love
Everyone is looking for a dating book, but which one do you choose? My dating experiences have led me to favor certain ones. I also list a few I don't like or have given away.
Are You the One For Me by Barbara DeAngelis, PhD
Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong. The doctor is IN. This was a New York Times Bestseller with GOOD REASON! It goes through lots of scenarios that may help you see that your relationship is going nowhere and exactly why. She coveres 10 types of relationships that won't work, fatal flaws and compatibility times bombs. It's not all bad news. She covers qualities you should look for, sexual chemistry, compatibility and the importance of commitment. It's message is timely and will continue to be so. It's definitely worth a read! I go through it with every significant relationship and then say, "No wonder!"
Dateworthy by Dennie Hughes
Get the Relationship You Want. This modern dating diva covers dating from a humorous perspective with sound advice. She has tried everything, so you don't doubt her. She'll help you find the good, the bad and the salvageable. The most important thing is being dateworthy yourself! Don't let a man determine your worth. Discern his dateworthiness first and you will have greater power in the dating game.
Kiss and Run by Elina Furman
The Single, Picky and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Her Fear of Commitment. Commitmentphobia is not just a man's issue!! With women being able to support themselves and following their own dreams, some of us have developed a fear of giving up our sense of self for a relationship. After all, some of us still saw that generation of women who went nuts when the children finally grew up and they struggled to find themselves. We didn't want to go through that! Filled with lots of fun quizzes. So, what kind of commitmentphobe are you?
Date Like A Man by Myreah Moore
What Men Know About Dating and Are Afraid You'll Find Out. I consider this an "even the playing field" type of book. It can free you from wishing, hoping and praying that a certain guy will notice you or come back to you. Give you definite clues that a man is interested or not interested in you. Practical dating advice abounds in this little "man"ual--anything from how men think about sex (they know the difference between love and lust) down to sexual preferences. It's great for meeting a man and dating, but it's not a relationship book.
Dating Books I Gave Away or Never Bought
I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. Lame. It emphasized the idea of group dating or just hanging out. It's a great idea for the very young who aren't really ready for marriage, commitment and sexual intimacy. It doesn't work for us as we get older. I like my parents to meet people I'm dating early and suss out their intentions. At the same time, a serious relationship means you are going to spend time alone--that's how marriage works. It's just the two of you.
I Gave Dating A Chance
I don't remember who wrote it as I think I read it while standing in the Christian bookstore. This book answers to the previous and does a good job, though it didn't stop the popularity of the first book.
Boundaries in Dating by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
A good read for belivers and non believers. It helps you know yourself and how to communicate your expectations.
Date Or Soulmate: By Neil Clark Warren.
How to know if someone is worth pursuing in two dates or less. Yes, the eHarmony guy wrote a book. The book focuses on listening to you date and spotting the signs of unhealthy relationships. This brings us full circle. Are You The One for Me is the same type of book. Let's be honest, it can take more than 2 dates to discover what someone is truly like. My ex-boyfriend seemed happy, charming, patient and caring. 2 dates or less seems like wishful thinking.
Swap it out for The Real Rules by Barbara DeAngelis. Those rules mess up your life. Someone I dated who was looking for a real connection told me I played too many games. It was true, I did. I was so busy being mysterious that I didn't notice the problems. My ex-boyfriend bought me a romantic gift for Christmas and gave me a rose and a card--those are all good things by the old Rules. But he has such a problem with anger that those gestures didn't matter. The old Rules don't help you suss out a guy's character, it's all about the chase.
Lady In Waiting by Debby Jones and Jackie Kendall.
Developing Your Love Relationships. They want us all to be Ladies of Reckless Abandonment, Diligence, Faith, Virtue, Devotion, Purity, Security, Contentment, Conviction and Patience. These are all good things. Yes, I actually still have this book and it comes with a workbook. It encourages a list mentality. My list got ridiculous and had 100 things on it. It did help me focus on things that I am looking for in a relationship rather than just dating whoever comes my way. The things that should really be on your list are the same kinds of thing that are in Are You The One For Me, the book I started with. The chapter on contentment covers not falling into faux relationships--something that most of us have done with someone by defrauding ourselves into believing that he'll come around if we serve him or offer him a friends with benefits situation.
The only difficulty I have now is that even Christian guys want sex before marriage and it's tougher the older you get--especially when you are dating divorced and widowed men. I haven't completely thrown out the idea of waiting, it's just difficult. With my exboyfriend I did tell him that he's had sex with enough people to know that it wouldn't have made any difference. We might have had sex a few times and then broken it off anyway. That would have been devastating for me and no big deal to him. Plus, I was risking getting herpes. I've also heard of people who married someone after sleeping with them on the first date.
I think Barbara DeAngelis has the bst ideas with The REAL Rules and Are You The One For Me? Truthfully, there aren't any hard and fast rules for getting the relationship you want, just guidelines. Somewhere in all these books is the truth and a couple of lies. Definite, be yourself. It's interesting to read different perspectives and compare them. I had fun! I sat in B & N and had a pile of books around me. Some I liked, some I didn't. The guy at the customer service counter said he could see a story just from the titles. Some are quite catchy, like, Dump That Chump or How To Get Your Lover Back . Both ended up in the discard pile. I don't want him back. In any case, happy reading!! I might add and subtract a few as time goes on, so come on back.