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Monday, January 28, 2008

An Uncomfortable Match.com

Yep, I got matched to my ex-boyfriend on Match.com. Somehow I knew it was bound to happen. This is the guy who said he started freaking out when he asked me to be his girlfriend and treated me like crap. I'm sure you read this excerpt of the ad with a grain of salt, as I most certainly do. Remember, this is a REAL person.

First of all, I'm tired of all the stupid head games that accompany the dating scene all too often these days, so if you're into those games, don't talk to me!

*** Oh yeah, one other thing: so many of y'all females complain about us guys being "non-committal," "emotionally unavailable ," etc. Well, then, why do I keep meeting females who have that same problem? If either of those labels apply to you, don't bother!!!

Tsk tsk! It's not nice to lie! He said, "I just need to be single for awhile." He also just couldn't seem to get over his friend being deployed to Iraq. Who's playing games? Well, he is, of course!! When he broke up with me he did compliment me on not playing any games. Whatever.

I didn't miss the part where he is "Active within 24 hours" either! And then it switched to "IM him now!" while I was on. He was supposed to be AT WORK for the GOVERNMENT. I don't know about you, but I have a problem with a government employee checking his Match.com account on my tax dollar!

I can't believe he wanted me to pay for the cruise when his name on there is MoneyBaby##!!!

I wonder what his reaction is to getting matched to me?

His words all seem so empty now. I dreamt about him all night last night and woke up missing him. I thought about him all day. I'm still sad. Though I was shocked, I kind of feel better to see how fake he is. He probably never even removed his ad while we were dating. He had said something about making sure I have current pictures. I said, "That doesn't matter now that I have you!"

Do you think now is a good time to send him a link to my blog? Then he would know how I REALLY feel.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Back to Online Dating

When you break up with someone, it's out of the frying pan and into the fire again. The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. So why am I joining new dating services? What do I think of all the dating services?

The first person I ever met from online was a really great guy in alot of ways. We had a relationship that lasted for eight months. We broke up because of real reasons that could not be worked out. We had a fourteen year age difference and he had three teenaged children. Different levels of experience and our age difference meant we needed different things.

The second guy I met from online really liked me, and I could have seen us being together, but I was moving. He told me he had enough friends and didn't want to be friends.

Fast forward to now. I still have hope that I might meet someone. At least I'm increasing my chances of meeting someone by having an ad online.

The idea behind it is really good, but I didn't end up meeting anyone I liked. Some of the pairings were weird, like the guy who was a Christian cross dresser. Just plain weird. I also met a guy who was an actor, still bitter about his divoce and asked me if I was a virgin during our first conversation. While I was waiting for the subway a few months later, he was complaining about dating to another girl. I pulled the hood of my down jacket over my head so he couldn't see my face and I could listen. My exboyfriend was on eHarmony and I don't think that we ever would have been matched up. Though we might have been. Does eHarmony get more credit because they cost more and you have to fill out a really long survey?

The guarantee brought me back. If you don't meet someone special in 6 months, they give you another six months free. It's not their fault that some of the guys I met in New York were lame and misrepresented themselves. Match has since improved it's advertising and with more people on there, more people are likely to be a match, right? My cousin met her fiance on there, so all things are possible! However, after two weeks, no bites for me so far.

Well, here's hoping. It should be one better than Match, right? I like the idea of having more than words to help your compatibility along. Sometimes you are completely blind, and at least this helps you know a little more about the person before you start. And least the guys had to be serious enough to finish something of a questionaire that isn't as intense as the one for eHarmony. This is a great excuse to watch Must Love Dogs. I enjoy any film with John Cusack in it.

Yeah, there are a bunch of sleazes on CL, but I met a few nice guys that way too. There was the really immature guy who started telling me about his health problems growing up. When he told me that he really wanted to date a hot co-ed, I told him I really had to go. However, I also met a really sweet accountant who I had a nice time with but not a relationship. And then there was the airline manager who thought I was "top drawer". But with bad breath and three adult children, I opted out. I wasn't attracted enough and drank too much wine so I could tolerate kissing him on our first date. It almost worked, though the wine wore off. I wanted to be friends, but he wasn't in the business of friendship.

Message Boards
I had alot in common with a guy from a message board. We decided to meet. He annoyed me by immitating my intonation and pitch of my voice. He didn't have recent pictures and "forgot" to tell me that he had burn scars on his face.

Disappointing. People seemed to be very spiritual, but very shy--too shy to take the step to meet. By all accounts, I heard often that I was a great girl and that I was out of their league. Why would a guy say that to me? Lame. My blog-reading boy was also from this site. I hoped he would be a better option than my now ex-boyfriend or perhaps still want to meet. In any case, I emailed several people, but only met one, an accountant. He was rude. There is one guy who I have been emailing and talking to for almost a year now. It cracks me up, so I keep him around. He's the one with Open House Fingers.

Single C
Truly a disappointment. I signed up on it because a friend of mine from bible study met her now husband there. I was certain I would be next. I ended up going on a date with a weird accountant whose divorce was not final. I reported him and they did not act. They promise that everyone on the site is single.

Recent pictures are a must.
Successful relationships depend on similar backgrounds.
You must have some level of physical attraction to your partner.
Successful relationships depend on maturity and a willingness to talk things out.

Don't just accept dates to go out. Have your revenge like I do!! Write about it!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Broken Hearted

What do you do when it's over? Do you smile, laugh and move on? Do you cry your eyes out? Do you curse the day they were born? Guess what? It's all normal!! It's all OK! Just don't act on it. Don't harrass them at their work or at home. But there are stages to moving on.

Here are the "official" stages:
Denial: The initial stage: "It can't be happening."
First you're relieved. The pressure was off to make something work that wasn't working. You still expect to hear from them somehow. No one wants to feel hurt.

Anger: "Why me? It's not fair."
It's OK to be angry. The person may not have set out to hurt you, but they did. Even if you broke up with the other person, it still hurts. You were ready to dump that chump. Even if they broke up with you and hour before you were going to break up with them, it still hurts.

Bargaining: "If only I had just done..."
Then you might be confused, you grapple with reliving the relationship. You wonder why and how this happened? Most relationships start with such hope be it of having someone special for Valentine's Day or the fulfillment of all your hopes and dreams of a future. You remember the good times and the pain of the bad times.

Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
It's OK to feel loss. Not only is the relationship over, but more often than not, you won't be seeing that person again. Sometimes that is hard to take, especially if they were special to you. It's OK to cry. It's OK to throw things. It's OK to call you friends and talk about it.

Acceptance: "It's going to be OK."
Eventually you have to accept that it's over and that you can move on to find a new relationship.

Deep down, I already know that it's going to be OK, but it's hard right now and it doesn't seem fair. I get angry when I think that he was trying to jump into a relationship with me thinking it would help him get over someone else, someone that he had to finish grieving for. He wasn't in my life for very long. It should be easier. I even get angry about that.

I gathered all his things. I've thought about sending them back in anger by dropping them in the mail without paying for postage or writing a return address and a nasty note saying something to the tune of THANKS FOR NOTHING! I tried to set the chocolate box on fire, but it was flame retardant. Darn! It would have made me feel better to see it burn.

I've thought about sending back his stuff to tease him into thinking that I would be open to a sexual relationship just so I can tell him to fuck off when he calls.

So far, I haven't sent anything anywhere.

I bought a book on handwriting analysis and analyzed his handwriting for any signs of mental illness. After all, he's clearly nuts for letting me go! He's going to regret it someday. I discovered he's mostly normal, bubbly, friendly and people oriented from his writing. It shows a slight inclination to dwell on the past with hints at moodiness because the line of his writing is a little uneven. He's not a felon or an extreme pervert. His handwriting didn't even show signs of the anger he displayed. No real answers here, but at least I know a neat party trick!

I consulted the stars. Yep, I went and got a free online astrology reading. It basically said that we would have problems because he's extremely idealistic about love. It's possible that he truly was hopeful that we would work out and he gave it his all. He also has a tendancy to get bored. It said he was energetic and sometimes combative. THe reading also said that we had to take care to be honest with each other and were sometimes not in harmony, that it was easy for him to be critical of me and that I am sensitive to criticism. There was good news too. We like each other and are supportive of each other. All of this is a "no shit, sherlock" kind of situation. Alot of common sense. We exaggerated our relationship and led each other on in different ways from the beginning. He took me to a wedding and to meet his friends. I had him meet my family. We were going to go on a cruise. It seemed more serious than it was. Maybe it was too much pressure on both sides.

The truth is, there is probably anger and disappointment on both sides. He still didn't have to ignore me to watch football and treat me badly last time I went over there. I have no regrets, though. I gave the relationship my best shot. I run the danger of comparing my attraction level for him to other guys. I was doing that from the day I met him and no one measured up. Hopefully I will be able to find someone where all the pieces fit.

I've learned that the most important thing is to follow your instincts. Listen to the voice that tells you something is not quite right. I saw signs of problems from the very beginning that I hoped were over, but they weren't. Just because you see problems, doesn't mean you a free of hurt at the end. You still need healing, and that's OK!!

So, what do you do (or have you done) when you break up with someone?

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Dating Books I Love

Everyone is looking for a dating book, but which one do you choose? My dating experiences have led me to favor certain ones. I also list a few I don't like or have given away.

Are You the One For Me by Barbara DeAngelis, PhD
Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong. The doctor is IN. This was a New York Times Bestseller with GOOD REASON! It goes through lots of scenarios that may help you see that your relationship is going nowhere and exactly why. She coveres 10 types of relationships that won't work, fatal flaws and compatibility times bombs. It's not all bad news. She covers qualities you should look for, sexual chemistry, compatibility and the importance of commitment. It's message is timely and will continue to be so. It's definitely worth a read! I go through it with every significant relationship and then say, "No wonder!"

Dateworthy by Dennie Hughes
Get the Relationship You Want. This modern dating diva covers dating from a humorous perspective with sound advice. She has tried everything, so you don't doubt her. She'll help you find the good, the bad and the salvageable. The most important thing is being dateworthy yourself! Don't let a man determine your worth. Discern his dateworthiness first and you will have greater power in the dating game.

Kiss and Run by Elina Furman
The Single, Picky and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Her Fear of Commitment. Commitmentphobia is not just a man's issue!! With women being able to support themselves and following their own dreams, some of us have developed a fear of giving up our sense of self for a relationship. After all, some of us still saw that generation of women who went nuts when the children finally grew up and they struggled to find themselves. We didn't want to go through that! Filled with lots of fun quizzes. So, what kind of commitmentphobe are you?

Date Like A Man by Myreah Moore
What Men Know About Dating and Are Afraid You'll Find Out. I consider this an "even the playing field" type of book. It can free you from wishing, hoping and praying that a certain guy will notice you or come back to you. Give you definite clues that a man is interested or not interested in you. Practical dating advice abounds in this little "man"ual--anything from how men think about sex (they know the difference between love and lust) down to sexual preferences. It's great for meeting a man and dating, but it's not a relationship book.

Dating Books I Gave Away or Never Bought

I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. Lame. It emphasized the idea of group dating or just hanging out. It's a great idea for the very young who aren't really ready for marriage, commitment and sexual intimacy. It doesn't work for us as we get older. I like my parents to meet people I'm dating early and suss out their intentions. At the same time, a serious relationship means you are going to spend time alone--that's how marriage works. It's just the two of you.

I Gave Dating A Chance
I don't remember who wrote it as I think I read it while standing in the Christian bookstore. This book answers to the previous and does a good job, though it didn't stop the popularity of the first book.

Boundaries in Dating by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
A good read for belivers and non believers. It helps you know yourself and how to communicate your expectations.

Date Or Soulmate: By Neil Clark Warren.
How to know if someone is worth pursuing in two dates or less. Yes, the eHarmony guy wrote a book. The book focuses on listening to you date and spotting the signs of unhealthy relationships. This brings us full circle. Are You The One for Me is the same type of book. Let's be honest, it can take more than 2 dates to discover what someone is truly like. My ex-boyfriend seemed happy, charming, patient and caring. 2 dates or less seems like wishful thinking.

The Rules
Swap it out for The Real Rules by Barbara DeAngelis. Those rules mess up your life. Someone I dated who was looking for a real connection told me I played too many games. It was true, I did. I was so busy being mysterious that I didn't notice the problems. My ex-boyfriend bought me a romantic gift for Christmas and gave me a rose and a card--those are all good things by the old Rules. But he has such a problem with anger that those gestures didn't matter. The old Rules don't help you suss out a guy's character, it's all about the chase.

Lady In Waiting by Debby Jones and Jackie Kendall.
Developing Your Love Relationships. They want us all to be Ladies of Reckless Abandonment, Diligence, Faith, Virtue, Devotion, Purity, Security, Contentment, Conviction and Patience. These are all good things. Yes, I actually still have this book and it comes with a workbook. It encourages a list mentality. My list got ridiculous and had 100 things on it. It did help me focus on things that I am looking for in a relationship rather than just dating whoever comes my way. The things that should really be on your list are the same kinds of thing that are in Are You The One For Me, the book I started with. The chapter on contentment covers not falling into faux relationships--something that most of us have done with someone by defrauding ourselves into believing that he'll come around if we serve him or offer him a friends with benefits situation.

The only difficulty I have now is that even Christian guys want sex before marriage and it's tougher the older you get--especially when you are dating divorced and widowed men. I haven't completely thrown out the idea of waiting, it's just difficult. With my exboyfriend I did tell him that he's had sex with enough people to know that it wouldn't have made any difference. We might have had sex a few times and then broken it off anyway. That would have been devastating for me and no big deal to him. Plus, I was risking getting herpes. I've also heard of people who married someone after sleeping with them on the first date.

I think Barbara DeAngelis has the bst ideas with The REAL Rules and Are You The One For Me? Truthfully, there aren't any hard and fast rules for getting the relationship you want, just guidelines. Somewhere in all these books is the truth and a couple of lies. Definite, be yourself. It's interesting to read different perspectives and compare them. I had fun! I sat in B & N and had a pile of books around me. Some I liked, some I didn't. The guy at the customer service counter said he could see a story just from the titles. Some are quite catchy, like, Dump That Chump or How To Get Your Lover Back . Both ended up in the discard pile. I don't want him back. In any case, happy reading!! I might add and subtract a few as time goes on, so come on back.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Guys I didn't want to hear from again

Every once in awhile we hear from people that we thought, hoped and prayed were out of our lives permanently. And sometimes God just doesn't listen. Fate can be cruel.

I was supposed to go on a cruise with my boyfriend this weekend. I have the TV on and just saw a commercial for that same cruise line. I haven't seen a commercial for them ever before, why tonight?

As I was writing to my boyfriend, I was simultaneously writing to a guy I called Tor. Wouldn't you know it, he sent me the exact same email that he sent me last October!? He told me I like to hide behind words and wasn't serious about a relationship. He ended it. I was so fine with that. I thought I got a sincere message from the guy, but apparently his 40 hour per week internet wife searching isn't going so well if he is just spamming us all for a second round. Love Greencard Style I couldn't resist writing to him and telling him exactly what I thought about his lack of sincereity.

Lastly, the guy I least wanted to hear from was the guy who let me drive his car and kept asking me to sleep with him. He really upset me. Not only did he drink alot, but now I am attuned to warning signs of bad boys. I wasn't impressed when he started telling us all about how he threatened a cop by telling him that he could kill him if he did something or another I can't remember. I also wasn't impressed when he told me all about his exgirlfriend who he admitted to telling that he wouldn't support her if she had his child. She had an abortion. More Dirty Old Men

And lastly, I don't want to hear from my boyfriend again. I'm sort of lying. I miss the good times. I know what you're thinking, cause I think it too! I know that bad times lie just behind the good times because that's what I got from him twice over. There is no point to trying again. He was, after all, the Texter in How's Your Text Life? Yet it's difficult to let go when he is the only person I have been remotely intimate with in two years, even if it didn't go all the way.

I want to send his stuff back, but I don't want to contact him. Truthfully, I can't remember his address. I stopped thinking about street numbers. In order to get it, I would have to dig through all the old text messages that start with cutie, QT, Sugar or Sug. I would end up crying. I haven't had the heart to wash the nightgown I wore when I last stayed over because it still smells a little bit like him. I want to wash it, but I can't seem to do it. He smelled really good to me.

I want to hear from him and yet I don't. I want to know that he misses me, but then again, he's a jerk. I want to tease him by sending him all the notes I made in 99 Ways to Make Her Moan, but I don't know what that would actually bring me. I tried to burn the box of chocolates he gave me and apparently it's flame retardant. I was so disappointed as I thought my tiny act of arson would make me feel better. I've seen two ads for cruises and a film with his particular branch of law enforcement featured in a way I had never seen. I feel like God is taunting me. I don't want to be bitter, I want to move on.

I was looking forward to having a boyfriend for Valentine's Day. I was starting to smile when I saw couples kissing and holding hands. The whole world was fresh with new love in midwinter.

I'm so confused. Is he too dumb to realize that my family would never accept him again? Or for that matter, what about me? Am I dumb enough to go back? Or finally smart enough to stay away when I know it will be bad.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Good thing I got out!!

Isn't it funny how people always save their real opinions for when you break up with someone?? Two of my cousins worked for a battered women's shelter and they helped me see it's a good thing I got out! Here are the signs that he might be abusive! I didn't want to believe it!!

What are the signs of an abuser? Here are some that I was dealing with:

Your friends and family don't like him. Most people won't say anything if your boyfriend is decent. They won't even tell you if they think he's annoying. But if they don't like him and are worried for you you can kind of tell. But somehow I didn't think he was capable of it when they were worried he could be violent. He had been so charming and sweet at first. He made me laugh, we had alot in common and he was totally OK with us taking things slowly.

Quick involvement. I was thrilled about the idea of going on a cruise with him, but wasn't it kind of soon? We had only been dating for a month and half, only been committed for a week. I was thrilled at first, but then I felt pressured and worried that he would be angry if we didn't have sex on the cruise. How romantic is it if one partner isn't really ready?

Swearing. Yes, my ex-sweetie swears. Not in a funny, authority challenging teenager way but in an angry way.

Anger. Lots of things made him angry. We're talking angrier than he should have been. He would overreact. One time when I was over at his place, he flipped off the television when a candidate he didn't like came on. I was really uncomfortable.

Road Rage. People who didn't signal, etc. made him REALLY angry. They would scare me, or I might get a little upset, but he would go off. Dumb drivers are just a part of life---that's why driver's education and traffic school focus on defensive driving.

Objectification of women. My cousins said he wouldn't stop checking them out, especially their breasts. He did this to me on the first date but I thought it normal since he was considering dating me. Um, maybe I shouldn't have let it go.

Bitch. That word disgusts me and I am usually wary of someone who calls any woman a bitch. It shows a general disrespect of women and that they don't take responsibility in a breakup. I have always vowed not to date any man who calls any of his ex-girlfriends a bitch--or for that matter, any woman. He called Hillary Clinton a bitch. I may not agree with her political views, but I have a great amount of respect for her and her accomplishments.

Blames others for his problems. Through we all have problems at work, sometimes we have to take responsibility for our half of it. He said he signed a card when a superior retired, "Thanks for all you did to destroy my career." WOW!! Seriously! Most people would opt out of signing the card!

Weapons. I'm not uptight about guns or anything, but he was always packing. He was mugged many years ago and still seems really wound up about it. He has 11 guns. Going to the shooting range was, "A great way to blow off steam."

He scares you. When he couldn't find his fanny pack so that he could take his weapon with him for a short walk, he got really angry. He found it later and was laughing about it, but I couldn't forget how angry he got. I kept saying things to get him to calm down. "Oh, I'm sure it's somewhere!" Meanwhile, I felt like hiding under the covers. The road rage was scary too. He said he wasn't angry AT me just NEAR me. Still...

Dual Personality. Truthfully, I could tell that they didn't really like him. But I didn't know exactly why except for the swearing. He had been quite charming with me up until then. We were having fun together, he made me laugh. But I was starting to see more of a dark side. Sometimes he was very depressed and irritable. Other times he was the life of the party.

He ignores you. A relationship is a two way street. Sometimes you need support or attention from your partner. He wanted me to throw caution to the wind and sleep with him anyway even though I wasn't getting my needs met and wasn't completely ready to trust him. I didn't hear from him enough to hold my interest and prepare for greater intimacy. Plus he broke up with me just as I was having problems at work. Great guy, huh?

Abused at home. He grew up in an unstable home with a manic depressive father--I often wondered if he was showing signs of depression or mania with his irritability. His father's instability affected the family profoundly. His father neglected them due to his depression and he grew up dirt poor because he spent everything when he was manic. He says alot of negative things about his mother and I suspect she may have been abusive. But, quite frankly, if he's not on medication or getting help, then I don't want to be around.

There really was alot more. It bothered me that he constantly mentioned old girlfriends. I didn't like that he said they turned into cold fish on him. My first thought was to wonder what HE did that made them react that way! Alot of women work really hard at relationships, but if a man is scary in some way that's all the reason some women need to end it. He has a long pattern of short relationships. Hmm, and ours was one of them.

Honestly, I feel bad, but not devastated. He broke up with me, so that makes it easier. These kinds of guys are really hard to break up with and he may have become really angry if I broke up with him. Some girl rejected him when he showed up without being invited to give her a gift and letter declaring his devotion to her. She wasn't interested and he wouldn't take no for an answer. I didn't think he had a healthy sense of boundaries...what made him think I wanted to hear about someone else?

Maybe it's a good thing I didn't act first in the breakup. It's better that I not let on that I'm glad to be out and that he thinks it was his idea. One of my cousins agrees. She says she'll understand if I go back to him but begged me not to. I wouldn't be able to trust him again. I guess that would make me a cold fish and he doesn't like them!!

Read more online

Early warning signs and symptoms:
Classic signs:

Avoid Losers and Abusers:

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Stuff I Still Have

I have some of his stuff. Maxim's 99 Ways to Make Her Moan and two CDs. Since not having sex is part of the reason he broke up with me, I decided to send the book back with all the notes I made.

I discussed keeping it as a momento. Naw. Why?
I suggested burning it. My friend said, "That might bring you some satisfaction."
"Not really. Not as much as...I know!! I'll send it back to him. It has all these notes in it about things that he did that I liked, so it's not like I can share it with anyone else."

"Don't do it! I'm going to go. I'm afraid you're going to tell me something I shouldn't hear." I think she meant about sex because that's not something we have ever talked about.

I told her:
The best part is the note I'm going to put on it. Just to make him feel bad. There is a little heart for the dot over the i in his name.

I made lots of notes 4 u. The most important thing to turning me on is my <3!!

Of course, if he realized all that, he wouldn't have been so worried about things going well. Better for him to wonder where his next sex is coming from, right? Maybe some girl will be dumb enough to do it with him on the cruise. My friend said that he might have gotten some hoe bag to go with him and he wouldn't tell me about that. I don't know, he's actually been pretty open about stuff. If he knew alot of other girls, he wouldn't have asked me to go with him to a wedding on the second date. He told me it had been 8 months since he had sex. He ended up sleeping with a girl on the first date and then she wouldn't call him back. I wasn't going to do that to him, but then again, I wasn't going to have sex with him until I felt the relationship was stable enough. We had a great chance at a nice relationship and he blew it. But, then again, there were alot of things that weren't so nice. At least not for me. I'll put the CDs in there with the book, too.

I'm evil! Evil, evil, evil!!

I love it!!

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Luv Sux

Right now it seems like everything sux! We broke up. I would have done it first if my mom hadn't talked me out of it. I thought about texting him that, but I prefer letting him feel guilty.

I hate to be dramatic and all, but I have a sixth sense when it comes to love. I JUST KNEW he wasn't all into it. The thing is, he wanted me to forget that somehow and sleep with him anyway.

You know what's kind of awesome about it? He met my family, but that's about it. I met all of his friends, his roommate, his friends from college, his roommate and I went to church with him. I can't wait for people at church to ask him about me. I was just going to sit with the congregation, but I was sitting near the choir because he was in the choir. Next thing I knew, they had pulled me up there to sing with them because they were impressed with my voice. You know they will be asking about me.

I didn't like how he treated me last week. I went over there and made dinner for us because he was worried about how much he had been spending on dinners and we were supposed to go on a cruise together. I was trying to be accomodating and understanding. He wanted to watch football. I stayed over, and then after church he said he really wanted to watch football again because his favorite team was on. Fine, be that way then.

This week, I felt like I had to say something. "I'm happier when I hear from you more. I thought I would be hearing from you more and seeing you more when you asked me to be your girlfriend." Then this weekend he cancelled on me. He said he was sick. I offered to go down and make soup for him. He turned me down.

I just knew he wasn't all in the relationship. I asked him if he would be angry if I didn't sleep with him on the cruise and he said. "I wouldn't be angry, but I'd be dissappointed." I could live with his dissappointment. I just didn't feel comfortable giving it up yet.

What did he do as we broke up? He mentioned the other girl that I suspected he still had feeling for. "I knew it. I'm never jealous without cause. In fact, I'm not jealous at all. I knew you weren't all there. And I wasn't going to be intimate with you if you weren't. Imagine how devastated I'd be if we had done it. And besides, you've been with plenty of girl (28 to be exact) and it doesn't work any better just because you've had sex."

"I feel bad doing this to you just as you're having problems at work."
"Did your friends tell you to break up with me because we hadn't slept together yet."
"No, but they did tell me I should still go on the cruise." Funny, that's what they told me.
"It's not fair. I've been nothing but sweet to you and you're hung up on some girl who doesn't even care for you."
"It's not you, it's me. You're a great girl, you really should keep trying."
"You really aren't going to say anything that's going to make me feel better. I have to go."
He tried to make me feel better. It all sounded lame. Something about needing to stay single to advance his career and not really being ready for a relationship, still needing time to get over the last thing. Whatever the fuck.
I was ready to try a relationship. "I didn't pressure you. You kissed me. You called me. You asked me to be your girlfriend. I would have been happy just being friends." He agreed that I didn't push things at all.
"I have to go."
"OK, well, you take care."

I hung up.

My cousins didn't like him very much. They thought he had a problem with anger. He mentioned his old girlfriends too much. I just told him, "They don't like guns."

But what he doesn't know is that my mom was the one who stopped me from dumping him first. I really want to tell him that. I really, really do. I had already told her, "Maybe I should see other people. I don't feel like this is much of a relationship." She thought I was just upset over work. I was just onto him.

Just goes to show that you should follow your instincts.

I hope they give him a really bad time at church.

Are We Breaking Up?

My sweetie and I seem to be compatible in alot of ways, but there are alot of things working against us. Right now it doesn't seem like we are going to make it past this weekend. I made a list of the factors involved to help me think it through.

What we have going for us:
1. Spiritual background, funloving personalities, military background, conservative.
2. We have similar taste in music and both love to sing.
3. I like the way he smells. I read in psychology today that one of the top complaints women have is they don't like how their husbands smell. That was even used to comic effect in Neil Simon's play, Star Spangled Girl.
4. He's honest, hardworking, very intelligent.
5. His friends from work thing we are a good match and commented that we act like we have been together a long time. I went to a wedding with him and his friends there said we had chemistry that seemed like theirs when they first started out.
6. He liked me enough to ask me to go on a vacation with me.
7. He has bought me a few romantic gifts like a rose, chocolates and a sweet card. At least the are some books that tell you that's a good sign.

What's working against us:
1. I have alot of stress on the job right now.
2. He is trying to advance his career and may have to move out of town for training for 6 months--If 3 of those months are over the summer, I could go out and stay with him.
3. He has a pattern of short relationships, so I wonder if he just gets out when the going gets tough.
4. He is way more sexually experienced. I am just not ready to go all the way until our relationship is more stable.
5. He put our relationship on hold because he liked someone else before we met and wanted to be certain that was over before we moved on.
6. He doesn't call enough. He works nights. We don't see each other much because he lives an hour away.
7. We keep having to put the relationship on hold because one or both of us have been sick.
8. He can be moody and grouchy.
9. Last time I saw him, I kind of got pushed out in favor of football--something that you expect more when you have been dating longer.
10. After thinking that he asked me to go on vacation with him meant he would pay, he asked me to pay my half. Oops! Maybe we aren't that great at communicating.

I thought it would be fairly even when I made a list of the good and the bad.

Some things are patterns of behavior--short relationships, not calling enough, mood swings.

Some of the problems are circumstantial. My job stress might get better. Training can come and go. We can make sure that we communicate better in the future.

Unfortunately, this cruise and vacation business might kill us. Not only was I concerned about getting intimate during our vacation because I wasn't sure if I was ready, then an event I forgot about came up at work. For the same weekend.

Are these things going to overcome the good?

Friday, January 11, 2008

Werk Sux

I had the kind of horrible day at work that makes me think of switching careers from teaching to one where I can wear a cute little suit and stylish pumps.

I keep thinking that I will be happier wearing a little suit and pumps, coming into the office, having meetings, gossipping by the water cooler and going out to lunch with my friends. That just sounds like fun!

I'd wear really cute outfits or suits, Gucci shoes and bring a briefcase. I'd have a laptop and a Blackberry.

My perfume would be called "Success." Or maybe, "Power." Or maybe just "Woman."

I would look in the mirror each morning and say, "I am woman, hear me roar." Or maybe, "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never let you forget you're a man."

My boss would totally love me and I would get promoted alot.

I'd be living with my childhood best friend in a condo that looks like a Barbie Dreamhouse. Or we'd both be married and living next door to each other. We'd be blissfully happy with our husbands or boyfriends. If we had children, they'd be perfectly behaved bestfriends to each other who called us "Auntie."

Instead, I am dealing with crappy, rebellious teenagers who lie, are manipulative and snot off to me. I'm exhausted all the time. My doctor doesn't wonder why I get sick all the time because she says, "You work in a cesspool. Children are magnets for disease." My bosses are sometimes totally critical and completely unsupportive. They expect me to volunteer my time. I have to miss a cruise with my boyfriend to meet with the mayor of our city on Saturday. I can't get my money back so now he is trying to find someone else to go with him. I wonder if this is going to break us up.

I'm too worn out to dress cute all the time now. I can't wear some of the nice jewelry I've bought for myself because it makes me uncomfortable when the children admire it. "Wow, that's pretty. Can I have it?" asked one student. When I wore my adorable aqua high heels, I sprained my ankle and ended up in a boot. Sprained Ankle Adventures / Sprained Ankle Adventures 2.

My car has been tagged. I'd like to find SMCK and teach him a lesson. I've been left unflattering graffiti and detention slips filled out in special and disgusting ways. Apparently I'm a "sh-tty teacher" who sucks too much d-ck.

I'm overwhelmed. Meetings turn into outright attacks on my character and reputation. My boss doesn't appreciate me. Oh heck, bosses! And communacation between principals and vice principals is not that great.

Needless to say, I'm in the market for a new job. Hopefully one where I can wear a cute suit and stylish pumps. That would make feel better, at least until my first review.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

What's Your Real Number?

What counts as sex? I’ve got number anxiety. My new boyfriend has had a lot more partners and experience than I have. Rather than 28, he says that he should have told me 56 because you are supposed to divide whatever number a guy tells you by half. Whatever number a girl tells you, you are supposed to add 3 or double it. But, he didn’t exactly tell me. I found out by accident. See What’s Your Number?

It made me wonder what I should count, so I asked my boyfriend.
“Does sex with your clothes on count as sex? Does oral sex count as sex?”
“Well, if we apply the Bill Clinton rule it doesn’t.”
“Yeah, but oral sex, you can still get an STD, so that’s definitely sex. And if you keep your clothes on you get to have fun and explore intimacy without any of the risks. But some people wouldn’t call that sex.”

There are 2 guys I actually slept with, though I only told him about one. R was 14 years older than me and had 3 kids. I really loved him, but we had such different experience levels. And then there was Q but it was date rape the first time. I was a virgin and then I suddenly wasn't anymore. I didn't know how to get out of the relationship. "What's the big deal, we've done it before," isn't what I'd call romantic, but I guess it was effective.

When I think about it, it isn’t exactly pure and virginal in the strictest sense of the word to simulate sex with your clothes on. Maybe you call it mutual masturbation, dry humping or Levi Lovin’ but you grind until you have an orgasm. My current boyfriend and I considered it a “preview.” My ex-fiance and I used this as a staple to explore sex before we got married. I often felt guilty about it because we had agreed to wait until we got married. My first real boyfriend, Jeff, felt so bad that he couldn't keep his hands off me that he broke up with me because he was a nice Christian boy. RIGHT! We never did it and everything we did was his idea.

Does phone sex count? A guy from my church youth group called me and asked a bunch questions about how far I would let him go on the phone. He never asked me for a date. I felt a little violated after.

Rather than seeing these activities (and few others) as a step along the way to get to know each other, my ex-boyfriend considered ours to be a “BS high school relationship.” Part of the problem was that Zephyr wasn’t really my by boyfriend, we didn’t have a commitment. The other part was that he was/is a pothead. His anger and calling me a prude made going all the way with him very unattractive. After all, what kind of Baby Daddy would he be?

Everything I did with Zephyr (which wasn't much), I was simultaneously doing with Ray. Ray was very kind and patient, not ready for a commitment after breaking up with his fiancé and also a pothead. He came to my party, Zephyr was absent and he stayed over after our -ahem- exploration. I had stayed over with Zephyr just two nights before.

Oh, in the midst of all of this, I went out with Chris, a classical guitarist and teacher who I met at the gym. We got sloshed and he comforted me about Zephyr who didn't show up for my birthday party. "I'm here. You should dump him and be with me." We made out on the roof of my apartment building. I know he called to apologize and was still hopeful about us dating. He had been a little forceful or I had been a little too freaked out by a 3rd guy in the mix. I couldn't bring myself to call him back.

I've been accused of being a prude. Would a prude have done all of that?

Hmmm, maybe I should rethink how many partners I have had. This all makes the number a little higher. As soon as you are pleasing each other sexually, aren’t they a sexual partner even if your clothes stay on? I feel slutty!

I’m just glad I don’t have to count all the guys I have kissed!!

When it comes to kissing, I’ve been really slutty. At one time, I sat with a fellow college freshman and we counted all of the people we had kissed and wrote down 25 names each. It was an innocent precursor to a much more highly charged conversation with my current boyfriend.

I stopped counting when I hit 100 guys. I have forgotten most of their names. I had no idea I’d kiss so many guys without finding the One. How many more will it be? Not only do I not want to count, I honestly want to avoid kissing guys on the first date so I don’t add any more. I'm not even counting European style kissing on the cheek!

Not counting the guys I kissed, my adjusted total is 8.

So, what’s your real number?

Update: I am now of the persuasion that pleasuring each other sexually is for marriage. God forgives us, certainly, but repentance is key. If you want to stay pure, it means making certain choices about how you live your life before you are caught up in the moment.

Other entries:
What’s Your Number?

What's your real number

How to get to a high number

Saturday, January 5, 2008

How to Get to a High Number

My boyfriend has been really active in the bedroom. I did some investigating to find out how he ended up with such a high number.

First Girlfriend
He got a late start at 19. His first girlfriend broke up with him but they still went on a trip to an away football game. She was in the marching band, so hotel was taken care of. Things got heated, but then when they got back home they were still broken up. This doesn’t exactly count as a one night stand. I’m sure he was glad to not be a virgin anymore.

Other Girlfriends
He mentioned a friend of his that he is still friends with. They dated for about a month. Chances are they were intimate at some point. College gives you a lot of time to kill.

Something clicked for him at some point and he was giving love advice to the boys when he was in the military. Supposing he took a girl out to dinner and she liked him. She invited him back to her place. They started dating. Then something or another happened and they broke up a month or two later. It’s been known to happen even without including sex. A guy has to keep trying, right?

Long Distance Relationships
The military kept him moving around. This led to breakup-prone long distance relationships. He tried these relationships more than once courtesy of the eHarmony matching process.

3 One Night Stands
He said when you meet someone from online, it seems like you know them really well. You have been communicating online, sending emails back and forth, reading each other’s profiles and talking on the phone. After all of that, it almost seems natural that things might get heated if you feel comfortable with someone. Unfortunately, it has lead to a little heartache with him. He said that he tried to secure followup dates with some of his one night stands, but they did not return phone calls. It makes one wonder if the women acted out of character and were too embarrassed to continue the relationship. Or if perhaps they were seeing multiple people and decided on someone else. Or perhaps they were cheating on a boyfriend or husband. These loving relationships were facilitated by Match.com.

My Turn
We didn’t kiss on our first date. He gave me a hug and a quick kiss on our second date. I told him I wanted to take things slow on our third date, we had a few more kisses and some really nice bear hugs. I thought he was turned off when I said I wanted to take things slow, but after 2 months, we made the transition from seeing each other to dating and then he asked me to be his girlfriend on Christmas Day. That was my favorite present.

We still haven’t slept together. I’m not very experienced and I would like to take my time. He has been very respectful of that because he has seen things not work out when they start off quickly.

Modern Dating
If you are a fan of Sex and the City, those girls were pretty fast. This led to a lot of comedic situations in which we not only saw the awkward situation, but the awkward breakup. Each time, they seemed to hope that they would have a long-term relationship. Until the end of the series they all fell short of that mark.

How many guys did each of them go out with and sleep with on the series? I still insist that they could have found out some of these problems BEFORE they slept with the guys. But nowadays, viewing sex as an appetite or a need rather than a special sign of a marriage commitment has led people to become intimate a lot more quickly than in past generations. For some people having sex is no big deal. I’ve had more than one boyfriend pressure me by saying, “What’s the big deal? It’s just sex.” I smile and say, “Exactly. It’s no big deal, so you won’t mind if I pass on the offer for now.” It’s kept me out of trouble. Not everyone is that strong.

That’s how you get to a high number.

Friday, January 4, 2008

What's Your Number?

I didn’t ask because I didn’t really want to know. I found out accidentally.

How do you find out “accidentally” how many sex partners your current sweetie has had? I wish I didn't know!

Out of boredom while sitting on the couch at his apartment, I dug through a pile of magazines while he took a shower.
Guns and Ammo, yawn. (Though shooting rattlesnakes sounded fun.)
Newsweek, already read it.
Maxim, a men's magazine. Interesting.

I flipped through it, homing in on an article about a guy who cut up and cooked his sweetheart. Gross. Then I flipped through pictures and interviews with hot, barely clothed Hollywood starlets. Then an article about how many people you have slept with. I started to read…

The article focused on girls who had a high number. If they were good at what they did in bed, then the guy shouldn’t judge or complain, right?

Then I saw hatchmarks in the corner. Groups of five... There were five groups of five and then 3 outliers. 28. He sat on the couch, fresh from his shower. “What’s this, honey? Is this your number?”

Dramatic pause. His shoulders hunched. He looked a little red and sheepish.
“You counted?”
“I got curious as I was reading.”
28. Wow. To me that’s a lot. He knows I’ve only slept with one guy.
“How many of those were one night stands?”
He thought about it. “Three. But I didn’t mean for it to turn out that way. A lot of my relationships started off being sexual early on. Even on the first date.”
“And you had relationships with them? Maybe when a girl asks if you’ll respect her in the morning, she’s really asking if she’ll respect herself.”
“Guys don’t judge that way.”
“Do you remember all of their names?”
“Yes. I would feel bad if I didn’t.”
“Have you kissed a lot more people than that?”
“No.” Oops, I have.

People used to marry much younger, keeping their number much lower. My cousin told me she had friends who married as virgins and they read sex books together to learn how to do it. Sounds like fun. Nowadays people stay single much longer. Still, I never expected to be anyone’s potential number 29.

This article about the Number appearing in the San Francisco Chronicle.


Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Splitting the Bill

When my boyfriend invited me on a cruise I was thrilled. Then he asked when I would pay my half... Split the bill? Me?

Money is a relationship problem. Where are we going? How much will we spend when we get there? Who pays?

Maybe I shouldn't have been suprised. But I was. He has paid for everything so far. So when he started talking about going on a cruise over dinner, I assumed that the inviter was paying. I shared the news of the invitation to my family. They were excited too. "Wow, sounds like he really wants to invest in you. You're worth it."

The other problem is that I've been busy treating myself to clothes and jewelry. Dating wasn't somthing I was planning on paying for. I guess that's a difference between men and women.

Now I'm paying for a cruise that I wasn't planning on paying for. He also delivered the news that he had racked up more of a bill than he anticipated from eating out. Some of the spending, he admitted, had nothing to do with me. That's very true as he is at a major bowl game today ($250 for his ticket. Good thing I didn't go!) and also travelled to an away game right before we met. Football spells trouble for your wallet!! Through he did take me to a pep rally where we got to hear the band play and only paid for parking. My dinner was so bad they took it off the bill and he only paid for desert. I was a cheap date that evening! He even joked that another girl he had dated said, "You know things are going south in a relationship when you have a date to Hardee's." (On the West Coast, that's Carl's Jr.)

Is that true? It depends on what you are looking for in a relationship. I mean, I can cook dinner, too. We can take sandwiches or fried chicken to the park and make it a romantic picnic--for me it brings back warm, sunny, golden memories of summer fun with a large extended family of cousins, aunts and uncles. A real relationship is about more than just eating out at fancy restaurants.

My mom thinks he blew it a little bit on this one. He should have been more clear. "I guess it's more like you're taking yourself on a cruise."

The money news puts a different spin on where I thought we were in our relationship. It made me think that maybe he doesn't really want a girlfriend, or didn't realize how much he would be spending on a girl. Can money do that?