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Monday, December 29, 2008

The Mini-Date

You've heard of speed dating. Now there is mini-dating. It's the coupling up of two people for a brief discussion apart from the group. This gives the couple the chance to decide if they should go on a longer date. (Or that would be a complete waste of time.)

I talked to some guy at a bar--I've met him before through Meetup. We started talking about relationships. We also noticed a couple developing. They separated from the group. He said that was a mini-date since modern dating is so different now. I said I was familiar with the idea.

He suggested we go somewhere to talk.

Hmm, that was interesting. He seemed to find me attractive. The conversation did get more involved than i wanted it to in some ways. In other ways, I learned that guys are having a terrible time with dating also. He took a girl with him to a Mteeup event. She ended up swearing at him and walked off when he went to buy her something to eat. Not only that, she was picky about what she would eat. She didn't like the h'orsdovers they had, and she wasn't the In-n-Out burger or MacDonald's type. Wow, and I thought my dating life was bad.

I said that marriage and family were devalued and it was hard to know what you're going to get any more. He said that he couldn't have any more children because he had a vasectomy. Wow, not that I needed to know.

Guy: I wouldn't want to date you because you want to get married and have kids.
Sav: What? I didn't say anything of the kind.
Guy: Yes, you did.
Sav: No, actually I didn't say that at all. I said that marriage and family were devalued and that it didn't seem to be what guys want any more.
Guy: Well, do you want kids?
Sav: I don't know.
Guy: That's a yes.
Sav: No, it really is an I don't know.
Guy: You should have kids. You would be a cool mom.
Sav: What I really want is a relationship with a man who actually cares about me.

I don't even know what to say to that. I've never been the type to sit there and plan out what torturous things I will do to my little girls or boys that I had--how I would comb there hair, what they would look like or what schools I would send them to. I've never planned ugly-ass bridesmaids dresses. I don't even know what to think about something that may never happen.

Considering the way the world is and how hard it is being single, knowing what torture my future child might go through, do I really want a child? I don't know. I really, really don't.

A few nights later, I saw him at another event. He went from girl to girl to girl to talk to them and get to know them. It just seems like he is trying too hard. I was having fun with my friends. I said hello to him but it was like he barely recognized me. Hmmm... very interesting. Maybe that's his problem...the inability to truly connect with women.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Holiday Hookup and Hefeweissen

I went out with Betty and Becky Sue. I found out why I haven't heard from her in a few days. She said she couldn't get out of bed because the holidays depress her. I have so rarely had a boyfriend for the holidays that I don't get depressed, though I spent a month depressed over Tall. I definitely empathize.

The holidays make alot of people anxious. Maybe next year I'll pay an out of work actor to pretend to be my boyfriend. It made everyone so happy when I had a boyfriend last year.

A few posts back someone said something about meeting a decent Christian guy at a bar. Whatevs, peeps. I just go to hang out with my friends and try whatever Hefeweissen they have on tap. I was there to do that and dance with my friends. That's all.

I met a guy who started flirting with me. It was interesting. I found him somewhat attractive and was pretty sure I had met him before. I couldn't remember his name, and I can't now either.

Sleazy: Well, I'm going to leave now.
Savvy: OH, really?
Sleazy: Yes, I have to get away from your friend's french fries.
Savvy: Oh.
Sleazy: Do you want to go home with me?
Savvy: ...
Sleazy: Just kidding!
Savvy: Oh. So long as you're kidding.
Sleazy: Well, I'm really tired and you won't go home with me, so goodnight.
Savvy: Wait. I'll go. haha! Just kidding!
Sleazy: Oh, so you're a tease.
Savvy: No, I'm not at all. I though you were kidding.
Sleazy: No.
Savvy: Oh. Well, I'm really flattered and you're a good looking guy, but I've never done that and I'm not about to start.
Sleazy: Never say never.
Savvy: Never. I never will do that.
Sleazy: It's too bad. Are you sure you don't want to go home with me? We would have alot of fun.
Savvy: Fun? Really? It doesn't sound that much fun to worry if I have something from the experience or will have something in 9 months time.
Sleazy: Well, when you put it that way...
Savvy: I'm looking for a relationship and I'm willing to wait until I find someone who cares about me.
Sleazy: You can't blame a guy for trying.
Savvy: Ummm...See you around. Drive safely, OK?

I would be ruder to someone I wasn't going to see again. Betty said I shouldn't ever date any of the guys from Meetup. Unfortunately it's too late and I already have. Swing (who I hung out with the following night)said I should be flattered not insulted that he asked me. Another guy said I should join Meetups that are based around an activity like hiking or say dog walking because he has a dog. Becky Sue snort laughed.

Savvy: That guy asked me to go home with him.
Becky: What guy?
Savvy: The one that was eating your fries.
Becky: Haha, he didn't get very far with you. That blonde guy, right?
Savvy: What was his name?
Becky: Classic!! He hit on you and you can't remember his name.

We both snort laughed. It's funny in so many ways. In so many other ways it isn't.

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Friday, December 26, 2008

The Unusual Christmas Card

Dear Savvy,
Here is a picture of the happy family. You can put it up on your dartboard and use it for target practice just for spite. Or you can put it in your shoe for extra arch support. Let's catch a movie sometime on DVD at my place. It's hard with the kids.

(Your longest time friend from college who has some serious anger issues that she couldn't have children naturally.)

I have a friend who, after serious medical intervention in all cases, is pregnant for the 3rd time. She went through years of being extremely bitter. Through it all, I told her that she should be thankful for a husband who loves her no matter what. Some of us don't even have that. She sent me the usual picture postcard of the family with a note that I don't know what to make of...

One time we went shopping together and I was keeping her son entertained while she was in the bathroom. She came out and was looking at me funny.
Issues: I don't know how you do it. You're so good with him. When I couldn't have kids I was so mad that I didn't even want to talk to a kid. I would just cry and storm off.
Savvy: Well, hon, that's cause you're sick in the head. But I love you anyway.

When she called to announce that she was having her 3rd child, I was happy for her.
Savvy: Hey, cool. This one's for me, right? I'll tell everyone you're having my baby.

It think it's important to keep a sense of humor. This same friend told me that I should have my eggs frozen for future use because they had just started that program where she was going for fertility treatments.

Seriously, what do you say?

Maybe next year I'll be like Paris and send out pics of me with my little Chihuahua. Of course I'll have to rent one because I don't want one.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

I'm in a Bad Relationship

I'm in a really bad relationship right now. Common sense would tell me to get out. Believe me, I'm trying. But it's hard. Especially around Christmas and I have no idea where he is. He'd probably do something as stupid as that guy if he were here.
We never go out.
He never calls.
He doesn't bring me flowers.
He doesn't seem to remember when my birthday is.
He does his own thing for the holidays.
I never know where he is.
My guess is that he's probably watching football on Saturday and maybe playing Second Life.
I've been waiting a really long time for him to ask me to marry him.
He's probably dating other women--that is when he isn't playing video games and watching football.
He stays at work way too late.

Seriously, what a JERK!!

Lastly, he doesn't seem to be very social. Because if he were more social, maybe we would have actually met so he could do these things on purpose instead of because we've never met!

Monday, December 15, 2008

When it rains, it pours

Lord knows that most of California is kind of funny. Our weather is definitely a part of that. We are dry most of the year. Sometimes we are dry for several years at a time with hardly a drop of rain. I have a feeling that we will make up for it this year. When it does rain here, it pours. When we have rain, we have flash floods, landslides, major accidents, road closures and were were starting to wonder if we weren't going to have a tornado since some clouds were so thick, black and ominous. What the crap!! This is SUPPOSED to be SUNNY California.

And honestly, I feel like I am in a desert myself--Spiritually, emotionally, financially, physically and romantically. Lately I've just been a little bit miserable. But it's not just me. It's infected so many of us just a little bit. After the harsh rains, landslides and accidents, the weather clears and everything grows. We have spring in the middle of winter. It's so weird.

I just hope I don't have to wait too much longer for it rain on me.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Savvy Mystery Shopping--5 truths

Ah, mystery shopper... Just hearing it sounds so glamorous. Everyone is intrigued when I tell them that's what I'm doing right now. I remember working for a department store and hearing about them. I didn't want to work at the department store anymore, I wanted to be a glamorous mystery shopper. They held such power. Look out for mystery shoppers. You never know who they are and they report back to the store. It's true, mystery shoppers do hold power, but the glamor doesn't always translate to great pay.

People want to know about it, so I pass on to you some FAQs that I have encountered.

Is it true you get to keep what you buy?
Sometimes. If I shop a restaurant, I am reimbursed up to a certain amount. Often, I am responsible for tips and anything over that amount. The commission doesn't always cover everything. If I shop a retail store, some times I am paid to report on the purchase process, but then if I want to keep what I buy, I have to pay for it.

Do you get paid alot?
Rarely. I did a series of shops for a high end Italian designer on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, the Beverly Center and a few other locations. It involved making a purchase and then a return plus evaluating their customer service. It was fun, but time consuming. I had to put a large purchase on my credit card, hence the need for higher pay. How much pay? $75. That one was totally worth it. Most shops don't pay nearly as well.

Is it fun?
Sometimes. Sometimes it's really not. Sometimes, despite your best efforts to get a job completed, it doesn't happen. If you don't complete it, you don't get paid. That's really not fun. But sometimes it's really fun, especially when you are getting terrible service and you start wondering how they would treat you differently if they knew you were a mystery shopper and how much they might regret it when it comes back to haunt them through your report. It's also not very fun to realize what bad service you are getting from some of the places you go.

What skills do I need?
I've listed the 5 most important.

Observational Skills
You have to be very observant about what people say and what people do. You have to record objective facts about what happened and what people say without giving your opinion. You must be able to keep track of timings, take pictures discreetly, observe and record everything.

Great Grammar
You have to have great grammar for writing the reports. They have editors that grade your work.

Writing Skills
It is one thing to say, The service sucked. You can say that to your friends. As a mystery shopper you must say exactly why based on your keen observations. The server did not smile. He was not professionally dressed. My food arrived after 35 minutes of waiting. The vegetables were mushy and my steak was not cooked as I ordered. That is unacceptable. I was offered a free desert as compensation and the cashier tried to charge me for it. My credit card transaction took 10 minutes to process and the cashier had to call the manager over to help him. He did not thank me for my business or ask me to return.

Be on One Time!
You need to perform your shops and turn in your reports ON TIME. Some companies will automatically unassign you for not submitting your report. It's frustrating and it has happened to me. Everything is online nowadays. It's hard to imagine how they did all of this in the days before the internet.

Acting Skills
You have to have some level of acting skill. If you are interested in being an actor, this is great practice that you will get paid for. You have an audience on whom to practice being sincere and natural. The truth is I don't need an apartment, I can't afford a new car, I can't afford to buy high end designer clothing... I use some of my life circumstances to be more believable. I live with my parents and I would like to more closer to where I work. I name some place I used to work. I name a bank that I mystery shop and say I work for them--I sort of do. I'm tired of my commute, etc. Picking believable circumstances and improvisation are the cornerstones of a great performance.

Why does a company hire mystery shoppers?
These shops matter deeply to the client and they wouldn't be paying anyone at all to perform mystery shops if it weren't a valuable service. They need to know how their employees treat the general public, if they are asking for ID when they are supposed to, if they are suggesting add-on sales and if they are doing their best to perform in these times. Under no circumstances are you allowed to every tell anyone that you are an auditor or a mystery shopper when you are working with a client.

Is it a good job?
That depends on your circumstances. Mystery shopping is difficult to swing as full time work. It's better as something part time or as a hobby. You learn alot about people and how well they do their jobs. I know what model service looks like. I can read body language. I am more observant. I am not richer. I am more amused and I am connected to a community via email that I never knew existed. One of my schedulers told me she knew she had taken her kids on too many shops when her 5 year old grabbed literature at the bank and said she needed to discuss her accounts. Her son asked, Mom are we really shopping or are we mystery shopping?

How do I get started?
Visit the Mystery Shopping Provider's Association (www.mysteryshoppers.com) which is the official site for all mystery shoppers. There is a job board which will tell you jobs that you can sign up for and what companies are offering them. You should never have to pay a fee to sign up.

How do I get paid?
The most popular way is through Paypal. Get a Paypal account and funds will be transferred into it when your shops are completed and approved and payroll is run. Have patience. Sometimes it takes a month to get paid. Some companies work with direct deposit through bank accounts. If your report is not accurate or you make a mistake, you do not get paid.

Any other tips and tricks?
Shops usually have bonuses added if they are in places that are difficult to get to. A bonus might also be added as an incentive to do a shop in a location that no one else has claimed. Shops become more valuable at the end of the month or the end of a campaign. They want to show the client how thorough a job had been done and do what they can to in order to make it happen. Recently I competed a shop with a $10 commission and $15 bonus either because no one had signed up for it or because someone did not complete it after signing up for it. For more tips and tricks, visit Want More Mystery Shops? from www.MysteryShoppersManual.com

Want to help me get a bonus?
I am a member of two companies that offer a signup bonus. Send an email to SavvySingleChristian@yahoo.com and I will send an invitation to you. I get a bonus when you complete a shop. The bonuses are listed as follows right now.

$2.00 United States
$10.00 Mexico, India
$20.00 Brazil, Switzerland, France, Germany
$50.00 Turkey, Japan, Italy, Spain

Happy mystery shopping!!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Swinging Around Some Ideas

If I am like Tigger, Swing is my Eeyore. Lately, I'm always trying to cheer him up because going through a tough time trying to get his dissertation done. I'm always learning something new and interesting about him...things that make me glad to still have him as a friend and see that he wouldn't be good for dating anybody right now. Usually our phone calls start like this:
Savvy: Hey, it's me. How's it going?
Swing: Oh....I don't know.

One time I said it with him. The oh part is really long.

One time I called him when I got new Invisalign aligners because they made me lisp really badly. I sang part of the Tigger song.
Savvy: So, do you find me remotely amusing?
Swing: Sometimes.

Over dinner on Friday, I cracked a couple of jokes with him.
Savvy: Oh, I got half a smile.
Swing: That's because it was halfway funny.
Savvy: Maybe sometime I'll actually make you laugh all the way.
Swing: You're starting to make me feel self-conscious.
Savvy: I just want you to feel happy at least when you are with me and so I fell into gauging "audience response."
Swing: I appreciate your effort, I really do.

He showed me his new iPhone and a map came up.
Savvy: What's this?
Swing: Oh, just a place I went to.
Savvy: Is it nerdy?
Swing: You couldsay so...I went to a comic book store.
Savvy: Nothing wrong with that. You don't have to hide that from me.
Swing: I also came out her to see lucha libre.

We talked about the struggle to find parking in Hollywood.
Swing: I had to park in a garage.
Savvy: I found street parking. Are you jealous?
Swing: Yes.
Savvy: I never pay for parking.

It turned out had parked directly under a sign tat said PERMIT PARKING ONLY. I started laughing.
Savvy: That's what I get for bragging.
Swing: Oh no!
Savvy: I forgot to check the sign. I just saw a space.
Swing: If it's easy, there must be something wrong--especially in Hollywood.

He stroked my hair and gave me a hug. Since then, we've been commiserating about tickets, court appearances and not having any money. He got smacked with charges for failing to take car of a fix-it ticket and it put him in a bad mood.

Savvy: So are you in the slammer? Is this your only phone call?
Swing: No...But I had to pay about $400.
Savvy: Of money you don't have.
Swing: It would really be better to live in an area where you don't have to drive anywhere.
Savvy: Yeah, I was gonna say, when I go down to hang out with you we have to make double sure I don't get another ticket. I got another one after Friday.
Swing: You got another one?
Savvy: Yeah, I went to the bank and I didn't see the lines and they docked me for parking 1/3 of my car into the next spot. But I swear that it wasn't that much. Maybe they'll let it go.
Swing: You can try, but it didn't work that way for me. It amazes me how people try to argue with the judge.
Savvy: Not a good idea. I have the best idea in the world.
Swing: What's that?
Savvy: We could move back to Amsterdam, find some place to squat--a garret apartment like in La Boheme--and make money by selling $1 beers and having an impromptu jazz performance every night. Oh and we could do classical stuff like a salon kind of thing like in the Romantic era. I had a friend who did that in New York.
Swing: Yeah, I like the idea of reliving the glory days in Holland.
Savvy: It sounds so fun. Plus, you did it before, so you can be like the manager, except tat nowadays I guess we realize that the bohemian life kinda sucks.

Swing is a really interesting guy who has had lots of interesting adventures. I wish I could do something to help him feel less depressed, but depression is something on the inside. Still, I think I'll keep him around. He's always been respectful toward me.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Savvy Mystery Shopping

So, you've always been curious about being a mystery shopper? This article will be coming soon.... Busy doing mystery shops!! Thn I will share my savvy experiences.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Feeling Bass, Feeling Better, Growing Up

Election Day. It was all backwards. Nothing went as planned. Nothing at all.

First, I signed up for a bunch of mystery shops that I wasn't able to complete. That was a loss of alot of money. Second, I got a call saying I didn't qualify for unemployment because there were no funds that went in to my account. That has to be a mistake that I'm going to fix it. Tall opened up a bottle of Crystal to celebrate Obama winning the election, was slurring all his words together, making me laugh and rubbing it in about Obama winning. Another friend said, I couldn't decide what was worse--listening to Obama or looking at McCain. And lastly, I ended up actually talking to Bass.

I called him just to see if he would pick up. He didn't and I didn't leave a message. Then a few minutes later my phone was ringing.

Bass: Hey, sorry about that. I'm back.
Savvy: Um, hey. Do you know who you're talking to?
Bass: Uhh...hehe. Umm...
Savvy: It's Savvy.
Bass: Oh wow. Savvy. I didn't recognize the number.
Savvy: Yeah, I got a new number. I didn't leave a message cause I didn't know what to say. I guess I wanted to talk to you because, well, I felt really bad about the last time we ran into each other and I didn't know what to do about it.
Bass: Yeah, that was really weird. I mean how totally random.
Savvy: I had tried to call you and I didn't hear anything back. I just couldn't talk to you. I had heard alot of bad things about you and I hadn't heard from you at all, so I was pretty mad about that.
Bass: I guess I thought at the time that it would be too hard to be friends.
Savvy: It didn't have to be that way. It could have been different.
Bass: It's true, it could have been. Things didn't end very well between us.
I thought we had something good and then you started lying to me and you showed up with that girl. We already talked about that.
Bass: I wasn't happy about the way I behaved with you. I felt better after I ran into you at volleyball.
Savvy: That was actually really hard for me because I was still hurt over what happened. I really don't understand why things happened the way that they did. I really liked you and I'm not sure you got that.
Bass: I didn't at the time. I've been through alot of changes in the past few months.
Savvy: Like what?
Bass: Well, I fell in love--something that hasn't happened since I was in my 20s. I think I started to get how much I hurt you when I fell in love.
Savvy: What happened?
Bass: We broke up.
Savvy: How come?
Bass: Well, we were just very different politically, socioeconomically and culturally. It was too much to overcome. I'm over it now. I did alot of growing up from that.
Savvy: You actually do sound like you really did. I'm impressed.
Bass: I'm curious, what things did you hear about me?
Savvy: Well, Bill doesn't have anything nice to say about you.
Bass: Well, nobody's perfect.
Savvy: And then I ran into a girl from meetup and she didn't like you at all.
Bass: That's really interesting because I thought we had a really good time. I just knew I didn't want to be her boyfriend or her husband so I didn't call her. That's probably why she's mad.
Savvy: I don't know, she said it was more like she was onto you that you were just out for fun and you were in a band and she didn't want any part of that.
Bass: Well, that is true. I was out for having fun. I feel like for the past 3 years I've been going through what most people went through in high school. I've really done alot of growing up.
Savvy: Having been a high school teacher, I have to say that's true. I watched kids be really awful to each other. And I think when people go through that period later on in life, they put the people around them through alot of pain.
Bass: Yeah. I really wasn't ready when I met you. But I now I am. I don't know if I'm ready for marriage, but I'm definitely ready to be with just one person. But I learned so much from going out with different people. I've learned I'll never understand women, though.
Savvy: Why's that?
Bass: You think you know what's going on and then you find out that you don't.
Savvy: Well...I don't know.
Bass: And everyone's so different. Some people are really religious. Some women are all over you while others are more reserved. I'm learning how to talk about things, though I still don't like confrontations.
Savvy: Communication is key. I mean, sometimes you think a confrontation is going to be big and it's easy. Other times you think it's going to be minor and it's huge.
Savvy: Honestly, you kind of scared me when we met. I started to be upset that maybe you just wanted to have sex with me because of the way things ended.
Bass: Savvy, if that was all I wanted, I wouldn't have gone out with you those other times. It's a really good thing that you're a good girl. You're good.

Our accidental conversation lasted 40 minutes. We talked about jobs, shoulders and various topics here and there. He asked how my shoulder was doing and how my singing was going.

Savvy: I'm glad that we talked. I hope that we...um... talk again sometime.
Bass: That's a rising possibility. I hope you're great in whatever you do.
Savvy: Thanks, have a good trip with the band.

I feel better somehow. It was our first real and honest conversation that didn't involve immediate emotional pain.

And yet I don't. I want to be in love. I wanted to be in love with him, but he wasn't ready. I wasn't ready either, and I admitted that to him. I had just broken up with someone. Why didn't I meet him later when he was ready? When I was ready? How can you be friends with someone who stomped all over your heart?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Booksmart, Lacks Common Sense

I found myself taking the Census test today.

I think its amusing that I would say "I found myself" when really I choose to get up, drive down the the EDD (Employment Development Department) to take the test.

In any case, the test itself was very easy for me. I finished first, turned in my work and then went to fill out the rest of my application. Not only had I left my resume in the car, I suddenly realized that I didn't have my social security card OR my driver's license. In fact, I probably would leave my brain at home if it weren't actually inside my head which is luckily, attached to my body. I had to go back home to get them so I could complete my application.

Funny, I don't remember being so forgetful.

One lady came out to where I was:
Lady: Wow, you finished fast.
MissD: It was easy...
Lady: Really? I thought some of the questions were like, I don't know...
MissD: ummm, except for the math. The math was kinda hard.
(It wasn't, actually)
Lady: I got a little bit stuck on some of the questions but not the math, that was easy.
MissD: Good for you. I never did well in math in high school.
(I didn't. It's easier now for some reason.)

I later found out that there were alot of people who didn't pass the test. I found myself making excuses for myself to not be any good. After all, I can be very forgetful.

Guy: I only got six right.
MissD: Well I sort of rushed through it. I'll bet I got alot wrong.
Guy: Six right!
MissD: You can always take it again. Don't give up!

Woman: Wow, you sure finished fast.
Savvy: Yeah, I've always been really book smart, but lacking in common sense sometimes. I guess it balances out.

You need 10 right to pass and possibly get hired, but 20 to get hired before 2008 ends. Suddenly I was wondering how I did. I mean, I knew I would pass, but would I score high enough to maybe get a slightly higher level job? How many Recessionistas am I competing against?

I was nervous as my test was scored...

I got 24 out of 28.

MissD: Should I take it again?
Census: That was one of the highest scores.
MissD: Well, I was interested in some of the lead positions since I have experience with surveys.
Census: Your score is high enough that they might offer you that right away.
MissD: Really? But should I take it again just to be sure?
Census: You're a perfectionist, aren't you?
MissD: A little. I sort of feel bad that I got any wrong at all. Maybe I went too fast. There was plenty of time to go back and check again and I didn't.
Census: Oh, you silly girl. Get out before I kick you out. You're fine!!
(She was a really cute, tiny Vietnamese lady, so it was even funnier.)
MissD: OK. Well, thank you so much.

So I did well on the test. But I tend to rush and make snap decisions. I need to slow down and look before I leap. I also need to go ahead and shine when I do something well.

And finally, working for the census may be a great way to transition out of teaching, if that's what I decide to actually do. The Census is temporary full-time work that won't return in 10 years. This will look outstanding on my resume whether I get out of teaching or start working for the National Park Service as a Park Ranger or something insane like that.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Letter from a Tall Atheist

When Kiki and I frisked Tall at the beer garden, he decided to take my purse and search it for his ipod, thinking we had seized it in jest. That evening he sent me an email response to some issues that we had been trying to work out. I decided email was the best way to get the discussion going. It's way more complicated than I could ever have imagined. In some ways I hesitate to post the letter in its entirety. Tall is so genuine about things that have happened in his life and how he feels toward me, that it is valuable to both the blog as one which discusses Christian dating issues, general issues and my personal history with one of "my men."

I’m home. I ended up driving back to work in hopes of finding my iPod which was sitting in its docking station at my desk! Yep, going senile here.

I know that you had no idea about what was going on inside me, because I didn’t want you to think I was some bitter person, which I really wouldn’t hope I was. I did and do feel terrible that you felt that I was using you, and I fully understand why you would feel that way.

When all of this happened a few weeks ago, and I had gone to the point of drafting something that I had hoped would have explain what was going on from my standpoint. Again, I was advised not to send it at that time, but I am going to now, as there was a couple of things I said about what you deserve which clearly you need to hear (in particular after tonight’s dating disaster).


When I saw you last Friday, it was apparent that you were upset with me, because I hadn’t called or contacted you since the previous Sunday. I am truly sorry that I have done anything that has caused you discomfort or pain.

I thought I have been very clear about where I am in my life, and my feelings about a potential romantic relationship with you, and that you understood and did not disagree with my thoughts on this subject. A few days after the first time we went out, we had a conversation, in which I thought we had agreed that due to a number of factors, including differences in religious beliefs, that it would be best if we were friends, and not in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. My feelings regarding the nature of our relationship have not changed since that conversation.

Obviously, you are attracted to me, which I appreciate more than you can fully realize. However, I know that sort of attraction eventually fades. I was married to someone for nearly fifteen years who is very similar to you. I mean that in the most positive way a person can compare someone to a former spouse. Having been in a relationship with someone like you, I have, I believe, a fairly good idea what would happen in eighteen months or two years, when the attraction you are now feeling fades and you are left with someone who does not share many of your core values. By the end of my marriage, my former wife’s family was openly hostile to me. I did not appreciate being called a “heathen” and worse, or being told that I am going to hell when I die. I don’t know you or your family well enough, and I would like to think that you and your family would always be respectful of my beliefs, as I try to be to the beliefs of others (except when someone tries to force their beliefs on me), but I can’t risk the potential of being hurt again in that way.

Also, I have the tendency of wanting to save people, in the sense of being the preverbal knight in shining armor saving the damsel in distress. It’s not a very healthy way to get into a relationship, and with your current circumstances, I can easily see myself doing something like that with you. That would not be fair to either of us.

As I have said since we first met, I really like you. You are a very smart, funny, charming and kind person. I wish I could be the sort of person you deserve in a romantic relationship, because you deserve a wonderful man who is truly worthy of you in all aspects, but unfortunately, I am not that person. I consider you a friend, and hope you realize how much it pains me to have to tell you this, as I would never want to do anything intentionally to hurt you. It tears me having to do this.

Although I cannot be your boyfriend, I am, and still want to be your friend. You can never have enough friends, as far as I am concerned. I want you to be happy, in love and successful.


Sunday, October 26, 2008

MA in Theology with an Emphasis in Being a Jerk

I can't stand any of the Christians I have dated. Everyone (whoever that is) says I should date Christians. Goodness knows I have TRIED. I haven't liked any of them. The most recent is Greek Orthodox and has a Masters in Theology. No joke. So you would THINK that he has his head screwed on straight. He does, perhaps about the scriptures. But then Kiki asked me, Savvy, why do you date these losers?

Because I thought I should give the Christian guy a chance?
Because I should date Christians?
Because I'm trying to move on from Tall and he's taller than Tall?
Because he's a good kisser?
Because he has a Masters degree in theology?
Because I didn't know he had an emphasis in being a jerk?
Because he invited himself?
Because I thought he would understand that sex is something holy to be shared between a husband and a wife?

Everything that could possibly be bad about a third date was. Partly it was my fault. Maybe not. I was late because of the kind of traffic that makes a 30 minutes trip and hour and a half ordeal. I knew this would happen and warned him that I would arrive as soon as I could.

He already didn't seem like he was in a good mood, possibly because I was late.
Dude: I'm wearing shorts because it's hot.
Savvy: OK.

In reality that meant he was dressed kind of like a slob. At least he smelled good.
He didn't open the car door for me when I met him at his house--even when asked.

He started joking about sex, so I gave him a playful backhand or two.

He made me pay for my own dinner.

My friends noticed his sullenness. I tried to pull him out of it.
Savvy: I would have cancelled if it weren't for the fact that the beer garden is so close to where you live.
Dude: Thanks, that's nice to know.

Tall was there and didn't want to meet him.

He kept texting his friends and took a phone call. How rude!

We joked about him holding my purse for me.
Dude: I don't hold women's purses for them, unless they belong to my mom or grandma because they're responsible for my existence.
Savvy: So, you wouldn't hold my purse?
Dude: Absolutely not. But I would go through it.
Savvy: Sure, why not. Though you wouldn't learn anything secret from it. There wouldn't be anything I haven't told you about. Aligners, toothpaste, coupons for my car maintenance...
Dude: I'm sure you have some secrets, we all do. I'm sure yours vibrates.
Savvy: Oh my God!! You did not say that.

I reached for his face, placed it in both my hands and gave him a mini slap.
Dude: That's the third time you've hit me.
Savvy: Is it? Is it? I apologize, it's also the third time you've said something dirty to me.
Dude: Yeah, well don't ever hit me again. My instinct is to hit back.
Savvy: Stop talking dirty to me. Besides, you pulled my hair on Saturday, so we're even.
At the end of the evening on our first date he pulled my hair at the nape of my neck in a misfired effort to be sexy.

He was sullen and silent.
Savvy: You're awfully quiet.
Dude: That's because I'm angry.
Savvy: I did apologise.
Dude: And I accepted it.
Savvy: I just don't feel like you like me very much.
Dude: I did up until you did that.
Savvy: But you're still punishing me with your silence. I wanted to give you a chance because I thought things would be different.
Dude: They would have been.



He wouldn't get a napkin for me when I asked nicely.
Savvy: I forgot to get a napkin, would you mind terribly getting one for me?
My hands were covered in chicken and I needed to breathe. I thought it might calm him to do something.
Dude: Actually I do.
Savvy: Ummm...
Dude: I do mind. You can get it yourself.
Savvy: Excuse me, I'll be right back.

I finished what I could of my chicken in silence and then excused my flustered self to the bathroom for some air. On my way there I said to a girl, I'm on the worst date of my entire life. Actually, there have been worse. Way worse.

I feel like he doesn't respect me--or women in general.
Savvy: If feel like you don't respect me because you keep saying things to me.
Dude: sorry you feel that way.
Savvy: Don't you believe the things I told you?
Dude: A little. It's just that women lie alot...You look disappointed.
Savvy: It's just that I told you things about me that are really hard to talk about and you don't believe me. That's rough.
Dude: Oh, I'm just giving you a hard time.

He got into a verbal altercation with an acquaintance of mine over his people being in a genocide. See his people's genocide was way worse than the Jewish genocide. He said some pretty choice words about him afterwards and said he didn't give a f*** what he thought because he was a dried up old man, etc.

He told me stories of how he told people off. Sure, he had good reason, but there are better ways of handling disagreements. He has a long history of verbal altercations going back to high school.

He probably used a few expletives to describe me to his roommate. I thought having friends was a positive sign. But maybe they are all a touch afraid of him.
He hates bloggers. It's just an online diary. It's killing legitimate journalism. I've never met a blogger I liked. Need I say more? Last week he had said he would make the exception for me.

I recalled clearly how his inappropriate jokes, attempt to grab my butt and pulling my hair made me feel on our first date. He mentioned he's worried about being emasculated?? Masculinity doesn't equal anger, making women feel bad and telling tasteless jokes. I gave him a chance because he was a CHRISTIAN?? Never again. It's sad because the beginning was really cute and I thought there was more potential there. Maybe he was nice then because he had a mild concussion.

I got rid of him blessedly early because he "felt sick" and went back to the beer garden to have fun with my friends. Tall gave me the rest of his beer to finish. He didn't like that Dude and I looked like I needed a drink. I did the chicken dance with Tall, the German conga line, Kiki and I frisked two of our guys who loved it, took lots of pictures, and then I sang happy birthday to some girl I don't know.

MA in Theology, whatever. I have a PhD in Going Solo. I'm starting to think I'm better as a solo act.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Answering to Men's Sexual Fears in Marriage

Man: Men have to know that the sex is going to be great and often before they will marry you. See, Savvy, the reason why you aren't married is because you won't do XXX.

Savvy: Shut up! That's total crap. Just shut up. Seriously. A man marries when a man is READY to marry. It doesn't matter how great or how often the sex is. Plus I have known many women who never did ANYTHING before they got married. Look, just leave me alone. Remember the way you felt about sex and relationships in high school? That's about how I still feel about sex and relationships.

BeckySue: Leave her alone. She got religion a few years ago and we need to respect how she feels.

Man2: When you make a man wait, it turns him off. He thinks that you will just withhold sex from him.
I had a relationship where I violated her trust. I have a little bit of a gambling problem and I lied to her to cover it up.

Savvy: Lying is serious.

Man2: Yeah, but it's not like I cheated on her. Besides, if she hadn't asked where I was I wouldn't have had to lie to her. Besides, everybody lies.
(Um, right. So it's her fault that you lied to her.)

Savvy: Lying is a violation of trust. (He should be attending gamblers anonymous.)

Man2: In any case, she felt so strongly that she couldn't trust me that she didn't want to have sex with me because she said she didn't love me as much. So you can't associate sex with love. To me, sex is an activity. It's just that it's better with someone you know--just like playing a sport with a friend. Witholding sex didn't help our relationship. I think we could have gotten through it. (So, I should have sex with people I don't trust? Gee, I would have a hard time trusting you too. You have an addiction. By definition, an addict lies to protect their addiction.)

Savvy: I'm sorry that happened to you, but I'm not her. Sex is something special to me to share with someone I am committed to. I'm not just going to do it with someone early on. Otherwise, how many people am I supposed to do it with? Am I supposed to sleep with them early on, like in the first couple of dates? Do you realize how many different men I've dated? How about 100? Is 100 too many? And what about STDs?

Man2: 100? Gross. STDs? That's a definite dealbreaker.

Savvy: See, if I can't have a frank conversation about sex with someone and know what their status is, I'm certainly not going to give it up for the sake of getting a man I barely know and don't even know if he's worth being with.

Man2: See, you equate sex with love. You can't do that. Well, because she equated sex with love, she said it was going to take years before she could trust me again. And I wasn't going to stick around.
(So, you think you can just treat a woman like crap, lie to her, throw money down the toilet and she'll be ready to do it? Delusional--unless she is a prostitute or has no self value.)

Savvy: Years? That's a long time. But that's where commitment kicks in. You have to be willing to do what it takes to earn her trust again. And if you can't then it's best that its over.

Man2: its NOT best that it's over. We still want to be with each other and just tried to give it another chance, but nothing had changed. And a man isn't going to want to date you if you've been on a few dates and there's no hint of anything sexual. I'm just giving you a different perspective on how men think. It was what you asked me for.

Savvy: Actually, I DIDN'T ask you. Look, I've heard that perspective before. It was more annoying than enlightening. I'm not her. I'm not changing how I feel. Before I get to that point with someone, I have to feel like that person really cares about me. Sex isn't a weapon, it's something to be shared as part of a covenant
(by that I meant marriage) that you make with someone that you love. Sex doesn't equal love or vice versa but you shouldn't have one without the other and too many people try to. It cheapens it for everyone.

Man2: Well, that's what the sexual revolution and women's liberation did.

Savvy: Really? Not for me.


Betty, recently divorced after 31 years of marriage made me laugh. Her husband started cheating on her as one of her parents lay dying. She put her arm around me and whispered in my ear.

Betty: Savvy, don't listen to him anymore. He's an m-a-n and that means he thinks with his d-i-c-k
Savvy: And he's an a-s-s?
Betty: h-o-l-e

Thank God it wasn't a date with either of them. They were just hanging out with us in a group. I've had more dates than I care to remember and they both just spared me the pain of 2 bad dates.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Why Men Want Sex

Men have always wanted sex. It's not that women don't, it's just that men really, really do. It's different today, though. I can't begin to describe the many times I've found a man hitting on me or suggesting sex without even knowing me. When I get upset, they say, "You can't blame a guy for trying."
Savvy: Really? Can't I? Why not get to know me first to find out what kind of girl I am.
Guy: I didn't know, I'm sorry.

Nowadays they don't feel the NEED to know. Getting to know someone takes time. They just feel the NEED to get your clothes (and theirs) off RIGHT NOW. I asked a man why this is. It's a shocking philosphy.

Savvy: I don't get it. Do guys think we are all sluts?
Dude: Actually, yes.
Savvy: That's terrible. There's so many of us that aren't.
Dude: There are so many of you that are.
Savvy: Oh.

Savvy: So is that why guys are so impatient?
Dude: It depends.
Savvy: On what?
Dude: Whether or not the girl is a virgin. If she's a virgin, we'll wait. If she's not, we won't.
Savvy: Oh. That's completely disheartening... Why is that?
Dude: Cause if the other guy didn't have to wait, why should we?
Savvy: Oh, so just because a girl did it once, she has to do it with every guy up front? That's disgusting.

Savvy: I've learned that if I guy isn't willing to wait or if he's in any kind of a hurry that it's not about you. It's just a need that they're trying to fulfill. I'm one of those girls that would have been much happier about 50 years ago.
Dude: I think that's true for men too. We don't like it any more than you do. But there are alot of people who are fine with how things are. They get what they want and move on without regret.

When I have conversations like that, I feel a sense of doom. It's no wonder that guys treat us so badly--even Christian guys have succumbed to this philosophy. Thanks alot Sex and the City and other stupid television shows for depicting women who are smart in their careers but dumb enough to have sex without discussing contraception, STDs, commitment or even getting to know someone. With so little respect for the human body and soul, it's no wonder that so many marriages fail.

I got this comment from a reader:

Anonymous said...
I'm a guy and you are right just cause a girl sleeps with me doesnt mean it will lead to a relationship.

However, if a girl does not have sex then there is zero percent chance of a relationship. I think sex should be part of any healthy relationship and most (all) of my guy friends feel the same way. That is my opinion and if you choose not to have sex thats fine and I hope things work out for you. We all make our own decisions.

SavvyD said...
Hey anon, I get that. It's just a question of timing. I wrote about that and will publish it in a few days time. How long would you wait to get to know someone before hopping in the sack? A day? A week? A month? 2 months? Waiting and unwilling are two different things.
There are so many problems with having sex early in the relationship--if the girl is willing to have sex early on, don't wonder that she cheats on you when the opportunity arises. The next question--are you really worth it? Are YOU really worth risking STDs or pregnancy? Are YOU really offering a decent relationship? Are YOU just playing around? How does a decent girl who both desires and offers quality know the difference? Personally, I haven't met anyone who I thought was ready enough for a relationship or that I was in love with or who I sensed was in love with me or that I was MARRIED to in order to truly consider that option. But I have met men who treated me like a whore or tried to seduce me early on as if they were entitled. That's the part I object to.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Sarah Palin (Caribou Barbie) on Saturday Night Live

In case you missed Sarah Palin--the real one--on Saturday Night Live, I have provided a link. Soooo funny. She's a real sport for poking fun at herself with her husband and a couple of guys dressed up as Eskimo and a moose.

Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Adventures in Liberal Theology

We all want to feel important, especially to God. As a young lady who had recently become Christian, I was thrilled to learn that I was a co-heir. That to Christ, my soul was as valuable a man's. This struggle of value is great in the human soul. This stuggle for significance is part of the gay, lesbian and transgendered soul.

Here is the original scripture.

Galatians 3:27-29 (NASB)
26For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus.
27For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.
28There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
29And if you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's descendants, heirs according to promise.

The words of the Reverend Mother came as a thundering SLAP.
And I believe that if this were written today, the author would add that there is neither gay nor straight.

As I sat in church, I struggled. I love people. I have gay friends. But I don't agree. Don't twitch. Don't move. Don't express. Don't say anything. For someone who was formerly known as outspoken, I was silent in shock. I repeated my mantra.

Liberaland Survival Tactic #1
Thou shalt shut thy mouth when one even suspects one might be around liberals.

In the stuggle for value and importance, do some twist the scriptures to prove their point? Of course they do!

I have made a commitment to this church and they depend on me. People are blessed and uplifted by my singing in the choir. I am deeply saddened. I have to get out of this church and I don't know how. Perhaps it will be easier after the holidays. I don't want them to be onto me for not agreeing. I want to leave with a solid recommendation.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

15 Reasons Why A Girl Doesn't Call

Girls seem to always obsess over getting a phone call. I have discovered that men do too. Alright, I always knew that they secretly get upset if we don't call them back. It becomes a point of pride for them. So here are some reasons why women don't call men back. And ladies, some of these are also reasons to consider not calling a guy.

1. There's something scary about him.
2. He joked inappropriately on the phone before the date. Don't joke about sex if you don't know someone.
3. He isn't a match in terms of background or interests and it's painfully obvious to her.
4. She has a boyfriend.
5. He seems too interested--he calls too much, hangs on every word and then it goes back to the guy seeming to be scary.
6. He seems to be only interested in sex.
7. She met someone else.
8. She changed her mind.
9. The guy took too long to call so she moved on.
10. She didn't really want to give out her number and swears she will give out a fake one next time.
11. She didn't really want his card, but he gave it to her anyway.
12. Her cell phone died or got disconnected. Actually mine is disconnected today--though the voicemail still works, so it's possible.
13. She was just using him--for sex, to make someone jealous or was cheating on her boyfriend.
14. The attempt at seduction misfired and one or both parties are embarrassed.
15. A large bookcase fell on her and she can't reach her phone to call 911 much less a guy.
16. She's in the hospital in coma after getting into an accident as she was dialing his number.
17. She met someone else.
18. She got back together with her ex.
19. She just didn't want to.

It may be multiple reasons. It's important to respect a girl's need for space if she doesn't call back. Yes, maybe she really did end up in the hospital and desperately would want to call you if not for being in a coma. But chances are, it's something else. I had a guy who I stopped calling because he had joked inappropriately on the phone (The Guy in the Hawaiian Shirt) keep trying to call me. When I finally answered, he said just one word: BITCH. I was glad he stopped calling and glad I never went out with him. I'm hoping that's the end of it. But if he calls again, I'm calling the police.

There is no reason to be angry when someone you don't know doesn't call. After all, you don't know the person. Get over it and move on. Do some self-assessment--maybe it really was you!  In future be sure you do only what you won't regret with someone who is basically a stranger. Always remember it could be the last time you see or speak to someone--either because of your words and actions or theirs.

Monday, October 13, 2008

The Trouble With A Liberal Church

There are obviously alot of problems with our churches today beyond their treatment of singles. So many different churches believe so many different things. If I go for the more formal/liturgical worship, I am also walking into an environment which has beliefs that I don't agree with.

If I go for a more modern worship service, I am trading the formal structure that makes worship feel like a holy experience with God and often going into a church that, well, might look like a club and make me want a martini. (As I have already experienced in Was That A Church or A Club?)

I would trade that for what I experienced this last Sunday.

I landed a church gig as a paid choral singer at a liturgical church. I was looking forward to giving this a chance. I knew that the choir director is gay. I knew that more than half the choir is gay or lesbian. I honestly don't mind in many ways. Having been a performer, I have always been around gays and lesbians. I am extremely tolerant and loving. To a certain extent I have felt that they are "my people" to minister to.

But let me tell you what I DON'T want to hear from any choir director, anywhere at anytime.

I don't want to overhear a conversation that he/she got back together with an ex and the sex was great.

I don't care if one of people that he was mainly talking to has been a lifelong friend. I don't care that person tried to whisper it--I still heard. I don't care if the person is gay or straight. Not only is it innappropriate for a workplace, it's innapropriate for CHURCH. This person led WORSHIP after making this statement. Not only that, on my first Sunday he told me that we in the choir are leading the congregation in a holy act and that we need to be respectful to reverence the cross, etc. I just told him "I heard what you said and I'm not sure I want to think of you that way." I had to say SOMETHING when it happened so he would know I at least didn't want to hear it. Is it possible that the Holy Spirit convicted him? During communion, I slipped out to go to the bathroom instead of breaking bread with the choir director. Plus, I had to go to the bathroom.

I'm thinking about how I will leave this situation, if I should say anything to the Reverend Mother and when I can accomplish this. I really keep my mouth shut when anyone starts going off about gay issues--something that I haven't heard any choristers go off about in the past largely because there were more volunteers in the choir. But some of the volunteers still might have been shocked. I've heard alot of things, but even I was shocked.

Liberaland Survival Tactic #1
Thou shalt shut thy mouth when one even suspects one might be around liberals.

I don't believe that anyone was ever argued into the Kingdom of Heaven. If you know of someone that was, please do tell us all about it.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Boys, Boys, Boys: The Roller Rink

After not hearing from Tall all week, Becky and Betty were going to MAKE me go out if it killed me. I was in tears, but then, there were other factors involved. I met Bachelor #4 at the roller rink. Seriously, no joke. What am I? 12? That's what it felt like.

As we were all putting on skates I started talking about "the good ol' days."

Savvy: Ah, this was sooo much easier when you were a kid.
Becky: So true.
Savvy: Like your mom would tie your skates for you and you were good to go.
Becky: Makes things easier.
Savvy: I don't remember it being so hard to reach my toes.
Becky: I don't remember how to skate.

We both laughed. Skating again was hard. I fell. I still remember the last time I went skating. It was a group date. I really liked this guy. My ex boyfriend and another guy were with us. I still remember the couples skate we did and how nervous I got when he put his arm around me in the car later--so nervous that I wouldn't stop talking. I was 16.

I got a smaller skate and since there happened to be a really tall big guy in our group, I asked him a very serious question.

Savvy: Will you help me lace up my skates?
Dude: Sure. I put my foot in his lap.
Savvy: Aw thanks, this makes it much easier.
Dude: You realize that by 6th grade standards, this makes me your boyfriend, right?
Savvy: Oh, really?
Dude: Yes.
Savvy: But I don't even really know you.
Dude: Well, then we should get to know each other, cause you've already got me doing stuff for you.
Savvy: Umm, OK. Ouch, too tight at the top.
Dude: Sorry.
Savvy: And the bottom is too loose.
Dude: You're really cute. And you wore a headband for 80s night, so I definitely had to talk to you.
Savvy: Awww, thanks.
Dude: So, if I'm your boyfriend, we should go on a date.
Savvy: Um, yes, I suppose we should, after all, we're back in the the 6th grade tonight and I wouldn't want to violate that understanding of the world. It was all so simple back then.
Dude: What are you doing tomorrow night? The dance was cancelled.
Savvy: Well, I have other plans.
Dude: And you didn't invite me?
Savvy: It's full.

(Boy is it with 2 of my bachelors from last weekend going there--Tall and Loan. At that time things had not been truly defined with either. Plus, it's a little rude to invite yourself along--though in retrospect, it would have been a fine thing to have a date there with Tall being such a jerk.)
I was going to go to the dance after dinner, but I think I was dreaming.
Dude: Why?
Savvy: Cause it's a beer tasting. I don't think I'll be able to drive anywhere for awhile.
Dude: You're all laced up.
Savvy: Thanks.
Dude: Can you ever remember having some guy tie your shoes for you?
Savvy: No, hehe thanks!

I was lying. A few months ago I had a guy tie my shoes when I went bowling--I think it was J (Manbag) and then when I went bowling with Astro, I had him lace my shoes, too. But hey, if the guy thinks it's soemthing special, that's his delusion. I don't know why I like to have guys tie my shoes, I just do. I walk a fine line between cute and annoying.

So the Dude is Christian--Greek Orthodox and has a Masters in Theology. He doesn't want to be ordained unless he gets married since that's the only way he can have a wife. That makes him an out of work teacher who works for his dad part time and at a comic book store part time. We finally settled on going out on Saturday, though I'm not really sure why since I'm still upset over Tall and have never gotten over Bass. The Dude also hit his head when he fell skating. I ended up going to visit him. So now we are officially for reals dating according to the 6th grade world. In fact, it's serious. We're going to get married and have 6 kids and make a movie about it--a guy's version of My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

As were all left the roller rink he opened his arms wide.
Dude: So, do I get a hug?
Savvy: Aren't you going to the restaurant?
Dude: Only if you're going.
Savvy: Yes. See you in few.

We hugged.
Dude: I just wanted to feel your body.

Umm, yuck. I didn't like that comment so much. Then at the restaurant he kept putting his hand on my knee. Finally I moved it.

Savvy: I take things really slow.
Dude: That's a good idea, you don't wnat to get a DUI.
Savvy: No, I mean dating.
Dude: Oh...that's good.
Savvy: I've learned that if anyone is in a hurry that it's really not about you. It takes time to get to know someone.

This isn't 6th grade anymore. Attachments aren't so easy to form as they were back then, though people seem to try by hopping in the sack. Part of the joy of the 6th grade was the level of innocence that everyone had. Those days seem long gone. I'm glad I went out because I was so upset about Tall not calling. Having another guy be attracted, being social, hanging out with friends--all of that helps. Part of me thought that bringing him to the Beer tasting would have been a good idea to show Tall that I could find someone else quickly. And yet, I was still to hurt over Tall to consider playing that game. Plus, that would have been a pretty awfule first date. Becky and Betty think I'm going to be fine. In fact they were amazed that I was able to find someone else so quickly. So am I.

Boys, Boys, Boys: Boys That Stop Calling

Do bees ever get jealous over a flower? Would a drone (male bee) ever not call? Maybe that's what gets them thrown out of the hive after they mate with the Queen. Not calling, I mean. There is no worse thing a man that can do than just not call a lady. It's awful and hurtful. Ladies always hope for a phone call--a request for another date or at the very least some explanation or comfort--especially if there seemed to be chemistry and interest. The other universal truth is that the more the phone call is necessary, the less likely it is to happen. These are universal truths. Both men and women know them and yet, they are constantly expecting it to be different. And yes, Tall didn't call and darn near broke my heart.

Honestly, it reminded me of Bass. I had just told Tall about Bass and got the impression that he wanted to string Bass up by his toes or perhaps by the mouth like a Sand Bass. He thought it was despicable that he would show up with another girl after he lied to me and just stopped calling me. And yet, he did half of the same.

It seemed that Tall was everywhere--like a bee to a flower. Over time I saw different things in him than I saw at first. We had more in common than I initially thought. He seemed so interested in me. He told me he adored me. We spent time together.

I went to a concert with a group. It was alot of fun. We all then had dinner after and consumed a gallon of salsa with chips.
Savvy: I'm going to take a walk on the pier. I need to settle that food before I sit to drive home.
Tall: I'll go with you.
Savvy: OK, sounds good.
As we walked along, I summarized the men of the previous days. I had just gone out with Tall to a comedy club a few days before though I was barely recovered from being ill.
Savvy: I met some guy on Friday and ended up kissing him on the patio.
Tall: But you wanted me to be there?
Savvy: I really did.
Tall: Then I ended up getting together with another guy and spending the next day with him, but I was thinking it's really nice to spend the day with someone, but I really wish it was the same person all the time instead of someone different.
Tall: And then there's me.
Savvy: I thought you opted out.
Tall: And I thought you did.
Savvy: Well...I don't know. I just said that to make you feel bad.
Tall: Well it worked.

Next thing I knew he stopped in his tracks and pressed his lips to mine.
Savvy: Oh my!
We stopped on the pier and listened to the waves crashing. His arms were around me holding me close. I supposed that jealousy was a motivator in this case. Perhaps this was a new start for us. Perhaps him realizing that I could move on made him want me to be his girlfriend. I imagine he wanted to be the bee with exclusive rights to his delicate flower.

I hate to share what I have learned before I share what happened. I've thought for quite some time that some men won't have a relationship with you unless you are willing to have sex. I didn't have sex with him, though. Not that he didn't want to. But things got more heated than they should have. I thought if I showed him I was willing to learn and try that would make a difference to him. I thought he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Let's just say I was the only one crying.

I left him a cutesy note on his refrigerator after I woke up on the couch. I was so tired. His refrigerator to do list had something about polishing shoes, so I added to it.
Call Savvy
Email Savvy
Kiss Savvy
Take Savvy out

Since he didn't want me to be his girlfriend after all, I stumbled on the balance beam between cute and annoying and fell into extremely annoying. After not hearing from him all week, we were at an beer tasting house party on Friday night. At least he didn't show up with a date like Bass did.

Savvy: I didn't hear from you all week, I thought you didn't want to talk to me.
Tall: I didn't know I was supposed to call.
Savvy: Did you get the note I left for you?
Tall: Yes.
Savvy: Did you like it?
Tall: Actually, I really didn't.

I walked away to sit on the couch and stared at the TV fighting back tears. If felt his hand on my shoulder.
Tall: I know you meant well.
I kept staring at the TV. Finally he went away. I went to the kitchen to see if I could help with anything. Katie kept telling me to smile--she knew about the unfolding drama. I made the oriental salad. Soon I was alone with Tall.
Tall: I didn't want to hurt you and I can see now that I have.
Savvy: Yes.
Tall: I'm sorry. I adore you.
Savvy: I don't even know what that means. You know I don't do things with guys at all. I was convinced you would be a good boyfriend for me and that if I showed you I was willing to try that things would be different.
Tall: I should have said it was a bad idea. I thought about it and then I felt really bad.
Savvy: Well you didn't and you KNOW me. I really needed to hear from you even if you thought it was a mistake.
Tall: I'm sorry dear.

Later we sat on the couch while I was munching on corn on the cob.
Savvy: Being a woman, you know I'm going to want to talk about it.
Tall: I know and that's what I'm hoping to avoid.
Savvy: Do you want some corn?
Tall: No, I really don't like it very much, thank you.
Savvy: Can I shove this cob up your ass then?
Tall: Whatever would make you feel better, Dear.

That was a temporary conversation ended--and yes, not exactly classy. I learned it's not even really about sex, after all, I was willing to try to show him how I feel in a physical way to the extent that I felt like I could. So many people say that having sex with a man is the way to get him to make a commitment. I can see a man not wanting to be in a relationship where he is constantly rejected. Though it's truly not my responsibility that he and his ex-wife stopped having sex many years ago and that he hasn't had sex in a long time. This left deep wounds that are not easily resolved. It's not something an inexperienced girl like me can handle.

After, he said he felt guilty about corrupting a choir girl. I wonder if he would have stopped himself if I had given him the green light to go all the way--something I know would have disappointed a lot of people--to include me. I feel betrayed. He knew it was a bad idea, I thought we were going to be together and yet he used me for what I was willing to give. I didn't think a man who says he adores me would do that to me. I thought knowing him all this time was more of a guarantee against pain. I thought I had won his respect. I thought those things were at least worth a phone call. Had I had any clue, I wouldn't have left him that cutesy note and I certainly wouldn't have been hooking up with him at his place. I thank the Lord for the good sense to say no to going all the way. That would have hurt way worse. I'm glad he ended our relationship, even if it hurt. Perhaps he does respect me too much to continue the relationship, perhaps it's not just fear. Sex is so confusing--and by that I mean being sexual not just going all the way. It really does have it's best place as part of a marital covenant. And either way, a phone call is appreciated. Men know this and still don't call.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Boys, Boys, Boys: Boys with Issues

I had boys buzzing around like bees around a deliciously sweet flower. It was interesting. I do like the attention some of the time, but I have to say I am more confused today than I was Friday. Every rose has its thorn. Every silver lining has its cloud. Maybe it was the high heels and showing a little cleavage...

Bachelor #1 Loan Officer
Bachelor #2 Screenwriter (used to be a network administrator.)
Bachelor #3 Insurance Administrator (Tall)

I've met #1 before. We had an interesting evening that time hanging out, throwing back a few cold ones and then trying to cook. I thought Loan was a bit odd, but funny. I went to a wine and appetizer mixer and there he was. I handed him a glass of wine. He wanted to take a picture of me to send to his friends. We relocated to a bar to meet up with some other folks who weren't able to make it earlier.

I was already tipsy when I met #2. We hit it off right away. He kept telling me I was beautiful. He also kept taking off his glasses to talk to me. Cause somehow that makes a guy more handsome, not! Glasses are sooooo sexy. At least to me they are.

Screen: This is a perfect evening. The game is on. I'm talking to a beautiful girl...you're really sweet, too.
Must be the dress.
Savvy: Thanksss. That's sooooo sweet!! You're not so bad yourself. So, you're drinking champagne?
Screen: Yes, it's a brut dry champagne.
Savvy: Wow. I have a small bottle of champagne in my purse that I've been wanting to try. Let's sneak out to the patio.

We did. We chit chatted--which is how I found out that he is a screen writer and likes to go to wine tastings. And recently left the ubernerdy world of system administration.

Screen: You know this isn't really champagne don't you?
Savvy: Yes, because champagne only comes from the Champagne region of France. Anything else is just a sparkling wine.
Screen: Wow. You're smart, too.
Savvy: Do you like smart? I think smart is sexy, but not everyone does.
Screen: Smart is definitely sexxy.

We toasted. And ended up not liking the champagne. Too syrupy sweet after that brut.
Savvy: Oh well... Say, they might come looking for me because they probably think we slipped out here to make out.
Screen: Hey, that's not a bad idea...

The glasses came off yet again.
Screen: Wow, you're the most amazing kisser...
Savvy: Hehe thanks. You're not so bad yourself.
Screen: Do you have a card?
Savvy: Shoot, I do, but I ran out.
Screen: No matter. I have a phone.

We eventually did go back inside and sat for some time chatting until trouble reared its ugly head.
Screen: I feel neglected by the waitstaff.I felt toasty, happy and tipsy.
Savvy: Don't feel neglected, I'm here.
Screen: I HATE it when people tall me not to feel something. I feel what I feel.
Savvy: Ummm, allow me to rephrase that... What I meant was, I'm sorry that you feel neglected by the waitstaff, but I'm not neglecting you.

I smiled really big but felt superweird about it.
Waiter: Another champagne. And you miss? More wine?
Screen: She'll have the champagne.
Savvy: Oh, how sweet of you to get champagne for me. Thanks.

The conversation was quite labored though I don't know why. I was tipsy, but lucid. I felt safe with my friends around. And my toes were warm and toasty.
Screen: I'm going to be saying goodnight.
Savvy: Oh, well it was nice meeting you.
Screen: You too, on no, don't get up.
Hmmm, I was just going to give him a hug.

When I woke up the next day I could not remember his name. Wow. He made quite an impression and yet his name eluded me. I also realized that he most likely wouldn't call, wasn't actually with our group as I had believed when I was tipsy. It's just as well. Days later, I haven't received a phone call or even a non-committal text message.

Though I can't remember his name, I dooooo recall that he had issues! So, thanks for NOT contacting me whoever you may be!!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Boys, Boys, Boys: Boys That Warn You

Last weekend I was a little flower with man-bees sniffing me out. Is a dress with a little cleavage all it takes? Back to Bachelor #1. Here is my list again:
Bachelor #1 Loan Officer
Bachelor #2 Screenwriter (former network administrator.)
Bachelor #3 Insurance Administrator (Tall)

I've met #1 before. We had an interesting evening that time hanging out, throwing back a few cold ones and then trying to cook with Becky and her date. I thought Loan was a bit odd, but funny.

I went to a wine and appetizer mixer Friday and there he was. I handed him a glass of wine. He wanted to take a picture of me to send to his friends. Apparently this was a direct effect of the cleavage dress.

After wine and appetizers, we relocated to a bar to meet up with some other folks who weren't able to make it earlier. I confess I was already tipsy from the wine. But I was among friends and got a ride to the next location. Really, I didn't recognize Loan at first, so I didn't particularly pay attention. I mean, I was off on the patio with another guy with absolutely no thoughts about it.

Things didn't get interesting until we were waiting for Becky Sue to stop dancing with whatever guy she was with. Someone who I can't remember if he was in our group or just there. It was all a bit blurry. Dora had to drag us out of there. I was sitting on Loan's lap laughing about...something. And finally Dora was walking out the door threatening to leave us.

Dora: I'm out of here.
Savvy: Lemme go back in for Becky Ssssuzzzie Q.
Dora: Fine, she needs to walk home with somebody. I'm getting the car.
Loan: hahaha
Savvy: Shhhhhussh!!
Dora: Fine. She has ONE Prince song.
Loan: We can't leave without her...
Sav: Wait..here sshe comess, walking down the street...Hey big sis!!! She's gonna leave ussh. Make us walk home.
Bex: I'm coming, I'm coming.
Dora: Say goodnight, Becky Sue.
She ended up hugging that guy for a long time. I admit I was a little annoyed. They were the only ones on the dance floor for about 15 minutes. Betty was sitting in the car kinda quiet, but trying to keep Dora calm. The rest of us started singing along with the Prince CD.
Dora: Seriously, shut up! You guys are not ALLOWED to sing along with Prince. This is a NEW CD and you DON'T know the WORDS!! In fact, I don't even know them yet.
Bex: Prince is sacred to her.
Sav: Oh, sorry, sorry sorry...
Becky Sue and I looked at each other and started snort laughing hysterically.
Sav: hehe sorry. Oh, Dora, thankss for driving!!
Dora: Can't you guys use your inside voices??
Sav: hehe sorry!!
Bex and Loan: Sssorry!!
Snort laughter, Betty spoke in hushed tones.
Dora: I'm just not used to people being like this. I mean, I don't even drink.
Sav: Um, wait, weren't you a Marine?
Dora: Your point?
Sav: Cause the Marines are kinda known for being raucus partiers--in fact most of the military likes to get their drink on Miss "I'm not used to people who drink."
She said nothing. Probably because Betty intervened. I was staying over with Becky Sue rather than drive--along with Betty and Loan.

That's when things got interesting. Betty and Becky Sue got tired out and next thing I knew, I was alone with Loan who was massaging my foot. Thus began our time of true confessions--the ones you make when you are rather tipsy.

Savvy: I'm sooo unlucky in love!!
Loan: What about guys at church.
Savvy: OMG, you're sooooooo CUUUUUUUTE!! Church is like the worst place to meet a guy.
Loan: I was just thinking that would be a great way to meet a guy your speed. Savvy: Soooo funny! I've only met ONE guy and had a date in the past 10 years from church, so I don't go to church for that. Guys at church think I'm too wild.
Loan: really?
Savvy: And you think I'm too MILD!! Hahahaa.
Loan: No way.
Savvy: All I get when I go to church is closer to the LORD. Jesus is a great guy, but I wasn't planning on being a NUN!!
Loan: Please don't become a nun.
Savvy: Maybe I should since one of my boyfriends was always so critical of my lack of experience.
Loan: He just didn't like you enough. Next time a guy is like that with you, just move on.

He kissed me.
Savvy: Ummmm, OK.
Then he kissed me again. And then were were making out. Oops. It was dumb. I was still tipsy and I really regret it because it was so meaningless. I didn't even enjoy it.

We spent the day together the next day since my car was off in the hinterlands of the night before. It was nice to spend the day with someone. We cuddled on the couch and watched baseball. I knew that would be the end of it when he turned to me and issued forth THE WARNING--the one that all women hear but some choose to ignore. Ladies, never ignore the WARNING.
Loan: My life isn't really settled right now. I'm not really in a position to start a relationship right now.
Savvy: Hmmm, oh. What do you mean?
Loan: well, I'm not making nearly the amount of money I should be making.
Savvy: And the economy sucks right now, too.
Loan: So it's really hard. Plus, I still have feelings for someone else.
Savvy: Fair enough. I know who that is.
Loan: Who?
Savvy: Becky Sue.
Loan: Well, yes, but that's not going to happen and there was someone else too--and then there was the divorce... And there was that other thing I told you baout. I don't normally tell people about that and I don't normally let people get close to me. If I let people get close to me, they die.

I wondered what that really meant. It was weird. He made dinner for us and then I went home. At least he called later in the week. But still, I was upset that I had a makeout session with another guy who is not my boyfriend. This is what I hate about single life. I get way less involved and have way less sexual expression of any kind than I would if I were married and yet I have sexual feelings that I want to express. I certainly wish I could be with the same person all the time. I don't think marrieds understand. Maybe even some singles don't quite understand.

Actually, honestly, thanks for the warning. The next Friday he was angry that the dinner that a group was attending did not as planned. The hostess was about an hour late--kinda rude--yes, I agree. I got an earful of the f word from him. Thanks for the warning. And honestly, thanks for being so angry away from me because I really don't need to date another guy with anger issues. Between spending the evening, next day and this angry phone call, I have a quickie view into what a relationship with him would be like. Difficult. In fact, he called Becky Sue to complain--leaving an angry message.

Savvy: Did you call him back?
Becky: Are you kidding? I'm not talking to that! I know how he gets. No thanks anyway!!

Dating 101: Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig

Nothing is more upsetting than when a dude you know is into you pulls the plug. One man gets to the bottom of out-of-the-blue breakups.

By Cosmopolitan

Updated: Sep 25, 2008

The Timing Is Off
Chances are, you've had at least one breakup that left you wondering, "What just happened?" The guy dug you, you dug him, and the whole thing felt destined for a fabulous future -- at least the foreseeable one. Then, out of nowhere, he bailed on the relationship. So what went wrong? The sad dating truth is, maybe nothing. Here are five completely ridiculous reasons guys kick you to the curb. Warning: For the most part, it ain't pretty.

Single women get serious when they meet the right man. Single men get serious with whomever we happen to be dating when we're finally ready to settle down. That means after every other aspect of our life is in order -- whether it's finishing grad school, finally pulling down a good-size paycheck, owning a car outright -- or when our friends start dropping like flies (that's guyspeak for getting married).


Savvy writes from her own experience:

In other words, it's just not fair. And ladies, it's just not being fair to yourself to give too much of yourself away to man who just isn't ready. That means time, money, devotion, sex, you name it. None of those things make him ready. The best sex he ever had isn't going to make him ready. Beating yourself up over not having sex with a guy because he wanted to (I've done this) doesn't make him come back to you. And men know that women are looking for men who are ready. Men--it's not so much that a woman wants your house or your wallet, it's just that they are looking for signs that a man is ready and won't just use them. Ladies--beware the man who talks about marriage and having things together on a date, he may be giving off signals to his advantage rather than yours.

I wish men were better at letting us know that they care about us, but the reality is, it takes time to know if someone truly does care. Using men the way they use us does nothing to advance the cause of what truly ails you as a woman--or there wouldn't be so many movies and TV shows that allude to our endless search for "the One". Even that allegedly liberated woman show, Sex and the City was all about the Search for the One. If sex were a tennis game, the advantage would always go to the man. In the days when women were protected, the advantage was the woman's. Times have changed.

Drop the Cosmo in the recycling and get real. All they have been doing for years is recycling the same articles and now even fashion is starting to look like it did 20 years ago. Seriously, do the same. Recycle. Then cancel the subscription cause you don't need all that clutter. The same goes for all the other magazines. I've stopped renewing all my supbscriptions. The writers are just as lost as you are. Why are you taking advice from them?