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Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Skirting Exclusivity

Boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other...I was both looking forward to and dreading the idea of being exclusive.

Am I bad inside or am I a bit of a commitmentphobe?

After a wonderful date with my new boyfriend, I came home to confront what I had been up to right before we became "official."

I had been researching a restaurant to meet up another date.

But, it's COMPLICATED!

I had been emailing that guy for awhile. We were supposed to meet up basically at the last possible moment before things became "official" with my boyfriend. I knew it was coming.

Part of the complication with the relationship was that my boyfriend liked someone else before he met me and before he could move on with me, he declared his feelings to her. She rejected him. He came back to me. Yeah for me, right?

Do you mean to tell me you were on hold for a few weeks while he figured this out?

Hell no!!

The emotional distance basically created a flurry of dating on my end, all of which has been posted on my blog. When there were still some dates left to sort through, he asked me something at a party that included the word boyfriend in it--I think I tried not to hear it. I just smiled and said, "Hey, baby, why don't we save that conversation for a place where we can actually talk?" Whew!

For some reason, it was important to make the effort, maybe because I haven't always looked around before making a commitment to someone. I wanted to be sure it wasn't about me being ready or something in the air, but about us being a good fit for each other. I got set up for a dinner date with a wealthy guy who works for Toyota. No snap, no sparkle. I drive a Mazda. There was the guy who tracked down my number through a friend. He did all the right things but said all the wrong things(Another One Bites The Dust). I was sick the night a real estate agent called me to go out. I was sick, he constantly talks about his ex-wife and I don't like last minute dates. He promised to, but never called again. I spent Thanksgiving with a complete Turkey of a Guy, I had chats with a doctor I went out with last year (First Impressions), and even had an impromptu date with a dirty old man right after my wedding date with my now boyfriend. I made a well-rounded effort, but there was just one guy left.

Now that he has met my family, he's the only guy my parents have met that had my dad talking and mother speechless. This has its own pressures and implications.

The thing I feel the worst about was that the last guy I was supposed to meet before we became exclusive was the guy who has been reading my blog! We were both sick, so he called to cancel. He is travelling for the holidays, so I haven't heard from him since. Do I lose a reader? Do I lose a friend? Maybe we were only ever meant to be friends in the first place. Maybe, like so many internet meetings, you pray you will forget the date after it happens. Or maybe he would have chickened out, the way so many other internet relationships end.

I most likely would have compared him to my boyfriend and made the same decision. My boyfriend was posting messages to his friends on a message board which included a reference to spending time with the GF. He then asked, "Did you see that? You actually already introduced me as your boyfriend once. What do you say we make it official?"

I said, "Yes." And then gave him a hug and a kiss.

I guess I'm not a commitmentphobe after all. I'll have to break it to the other guy gently. Unless he's been reading my blog.

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Do you Kiss and Run? Are you a commitmentphobe? I might be. Take the quiz. No need to sign up for anything. I'm going to be reading this book.

www.kissrunbook.com






Thursday, December 20, 2007

Open House Fingers

Whiskey fingers--calling people out of loneliness when you are drunk.

Open house fingers--calling people out of loneliness because you are a real estate agent in a down market with no one showing up to make an offer.

Yes, I've had both kinds of calls.


I would hate to be a reat estate agent about now. Being trapped at an open house all day on a Saturday or Sunday is a fate worse than dealing with "terrible teens", "terrible tweens" or "terrible twos" during the week.

I had this real estate agent I was in touch with via online. Quite frankly, I forgot about him several times. I sent him my number via email because he said he'd like to call me. Months passed before he called. We'd talk for a while, call each other a few times, swear we would meet, and then I didn't hear from him. I was even driving to right near where he lived for a professional singing gig.

Then he started calling me when he had open house. He invited me to come visit him at an open house. Weird. But kind of cool because I could play it off as if I were a customer if I didn't like him, right?

He dropped off the face of the earth. Then on day he called me out of the blue. I htought he was someone else. How would I remember it was him after a month of not talking? Sure enough, it was open house again.

Then about a month later, he wrote an email to me saying he wanted my phone number because he'd like to call me. In case he didn't realize that I was the same person, I emailed copies of all the past emails we sent back and forth. I said I owuld like to hear from him as we should finally meet.

I haven't heard from him. Maybe he'll call when he has an open house on a rainy day.




Monday, December 17, 2007

Telling Sexy Secrets


Do you tell your friends about what you do intimately?
On TV shows and in movies it seems like they both show and tell all.

In real life how much is too much?

Not long ago I was engaged. I found myself getting more and more annoyed with the kinds of things my fiasco--err fiance--would tell his friends. Perhaps it was my introduction to the idea that some people are an open book where others would rather maintain confidentiality. I found myself in just this dilemma.

When I was engaged, I was a virgin. My fiasco and I agreed that we would wait until we got married before having sex. His friends had other ideas of what they wanted to share. "How do you know you'll be compatible?"
"Trust me, I know."
"Yeah, but how can you be sure?"
Then he would go on and describe exactly what we did do in great detail so that they would understand. What I wanted him to say was, "I love her and respect her. What we do or don't do in the bedroom is really none of anyone's business." That's what I would have said at the time. I was really embarrased because he was the first person I was really actively expressing anything sexual.

I'm sure you're wondering what we did do. It's not exactly advocated by any Christian dating book. OK, not at all. What we did produces the outrageous creature known as the "technical virgin." The technical virgin has done "everything but."

My fiasco suggested to me something called "Levi Lovin" some call it "outercourse." This basically means that you keep your pants on but have fun anyway. Many organizations like Planned Parenthood also recommend it as a way to prevent both pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections while enjoying some level of sexual intimacy with your partner.

When I was dating someone new not too long ago, he began introducing me to his friends. They knew things about me already. "You told your friends about me?" This isn't exactly typical guy behavior, is it? They aren't supposed to say anything about you and keep you from meeting their friends because all men are commitmentphobes, right?

How much more would they know? Would he explain about "outercourse" or "Levi Lovin'?" I mean, they are guys. I could imagine them asking him, "Did you hit it with her yet?" Or, "Have you done IT yet?

What would he say?

Sometimes I wonder if in these cases I shouldn't just say, "Tell your friends that I'm great in bed. If they ask any more questions, just smile and say you plead the Fifth." That at least gives us time to explore the relationship without having sex before I'm truly ready.

Unfortunately that comment led to him saying, "Well, we might just have to give them a little bit more to go on." I'd rather things be a little more private.


Sunday, December 9, 2007

Another One Bites the Dust


Another potentially good date goes BUST--all when I least expected it. To the guy who is reading my blog, please let this serve as a hint of what NOT to do!

Things have been cracking lately. It's one date after another. But just when I think I find something, well, wouldn't you know it? It just doesn't work out.

This one really had promise. I met a guy when I went to a museum with a group, we'll call him Jim. He was attractive and funny. We come from the same faith background. We had a great time joking around. I saw him at some other events because we run in the same circle. But one of the events he totally ignored me, so I got mad at him. I saw him at another event--we all went to a musical--and he was acting weird. I remember thinking, please God, tell me he isn't dating this girl he is sitting next to. I just left without saying anything to him. I pulled my New York trick of walking on the street to avoid the crowd.

It turns out he was dating her. But then it didn't work out, so he called a friend who then called me to ask if I could give him my number.
"OK. You're weirding me out, though. I thought he wasn't interested in me. He ignored me when we all went to the Dodger game and then he acted weird when I last saw him."
"Well, take it from me, he totally is."

He called me 5 times before we went out just for dinner on Saturday night. It was pleasant enough, but something kind of gnawed at me. Instead of talking about fun things and getting to know each other, he told me all about the relationship he had just gotten out of. Then he told me, "Do you know how many women from online I have sent an email too? I have been rejected so many times. We're talking 1000 times." What do you say to that? Here I am, a nice pretty girl sitting across from him because I am attracted to him. What do I say?

"I was seeing someone too, but then he got sick. Then I got sick. It just didn't work out. But it worked out pretty well for you because I'm available! And it worked out pretty well for me that she doesn't want to see you anymore, right? So who cares?" Apparently he does cause he wouldn't stop talking about it. He also knows exactly what he's looking for, but can't seem to find it.

All the right things were there. He opened doors--even my car door. We shared food. We even shared a cup of coffee. The conversation, quite plainly, sucked ass.

He started analyzing all the different kinds of women there are out there--and what kind of woman he thought I was. I didn't know until that moment, but being analyzed on a date is my new pet peeve.

And then there were the, ahem, naughty comments.
Jim: "Wow, if even if something were to happen tonight, I have a friend staying with me. This sucks." I said nothing in response.
Jim: "You seem like the kind of girl who would be chill with just watching a movie at someone's place."
D: "Really? That's interesting. I usually stay away from going to someone's place until I know them really well."
Jim: "If we were up near your place and had some beers, we'd be in alot of trouble."
D: "No we wouldn't I live with my parents right now."
Jim: "A man usually tries to have sex with a girl so that way he doesn't have to worry about her taking his call the next day. I can't think of a woman that I didn't think of more the day after."
D: "Really? I never thought of it that way."

Was he, how do you Americans say...laying it on thick?

The next night he called me. After hints at some bizarre fuzziness in his thinking the night before, he brought it up again. "I wish I could be everything you needed me to be. It would make things so much easier. You are so open and you don't play any games. If I were in a better place..."

This began to sound like blah blah blah blah.

"What are you trying to say?"

I don't think he even knew. I just don't think I can operate on that level of intensity all the time. So I asked Jim, "Why did you go through all the effort of tracking down my number if you were going through stuff?"

"Well, several days passed before we actually talked and got together. I don't know. Sometimes I'm so sad I want to stay in bed all day. Sometimes I want to get out and be social. And other times I get really horny and really want to be with someone."

"That's definitely TMI."

Already this is a chore. It's just not the fun I thought I would be having with Jim. He isn't what I expected at all. He's just too intense. Why not relax and have a good time?

Here I was thinking this guy asked me out when I least expected. That's supposed to be a good thing, right? It was a refreshing surprise. He said the last relationship lasted 3 weeks, that was all he could manage to get up to lately. He hoped he could get to two months on the next one. I joked that we should plan out the next couple of weeks and just have fun before we end it. I was going to joke that we should break up after Valentine's Day. It's already over as far as I'm concerned. He burned it out with such a high level of intensity. I know he thinks I don't play any games, but I told my friend all about it and asked if she could tell him I didn't want him to call me anymore.

So, guy who is reading my blog, I'm still available.


Friday, December 7, 2007

The Right Hand Ring


I wanted to celebrate graduating with my degrees in an upscale way. I hadn’t purchased a class ring because I just wasn't into them very much. I decided now was the time to do something about that.

I really enjoyed having an engagement ring when I was engaged. I loved the play of colors as they danced in the small .25 carat diamond I had chosen. When I was younger I wasn’t interested in flashy displays.

My new job sent me on a jewelry purchasing spree that I hadn’t enjoyed since, well, since I returned that sweet little engagement ring! When you return a diamond ring, all you have to do is purchase 2 times the value of what you purchased. I hardly knew what to buy, but buy I did! I still have those items and wear them often.

For my celebrate me moment, a cute diamond ring caught my eye with it two circles of small baguette diamonds surrounding 7 closely set larger baguettes. It danced in the light. Perfect. “You don’t think it looks like an engagement ring, do you?”

“Oh, no. It’s obvious that it isn’t. Engagement rings are solitaires.” The salesman smiled.

“I wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m engaged or married.”

“Oh, they won’t.” He smiled. I smiled. Pretty.

“An extra 5% off on top of 20% and another 20% for opening a new account? I’ll take it.”

I wore my little bargain on Thanksgiving. As we waited for dinner, I lounged on the couch next to my Turkey of a Guy. I don’t remember how the conversation started, but I remember how it progressed. “Hey Guy your fiance…”

FIANCE???? Oh no! No no no no no no! You don’t understand! It’s on my right hand, see!!?? It’s not a solitaire. Look. Look, look, look, look! I didn’t say any of those things, in case you were wondering.

At home I looked carefully at it in the mirror. From far away it looks like an engagement ring. It’s flashy and shiny, and people are dyslexic. They don’t stop to notice what hand it’s on.

The ring goes back!! I started looking for the box with the tags. The salesman had removed them when I bought the ring. But I asked him if I could keep them anyway. I asked about getting the ring sized because I thought it might be a tiny bit too big. I couldn’t part with it. I decided against having it sized. In doing so, I accidentally left the box with the tags. What to do? It looks like I'm stuck with it.

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A jeweler describes...
What Is The Right Hand Diamond Ring?
Jewelry designed for you to declare your rights, and express your unique style.
Your left hand loves candlelight. Your right hand loves the spotlight.
Your left hand says, “I do.” Your right hand says, “I can.”
Your left hand is your heart. Your right hand is your voice.



Wednesday, December 5, 2007

When You Least Expect It...

I've often heard that love comes along when you least expect it. Here we go again with another favorite theory for singles. Let me explain...

There's alot of least expecting it in my life. I never expect an internet date to amount to anything. It's not so that I can SAY I "least expected" it. It's just that I've learned not to look there. The guys are generally too shy for it to amount to anything. Sometimes you don't even end up talking on the phone because they chicken out. Freaking everybody is on the internet. That means that, just like in real life, you have to sort through a bunch of freaks.

I am a teacher. I really wouldn't expect to meet anybody at work. Sure, it might be fun to meet a cute new teacher. The other teachers that are single don't seem to be interested in me, can be rude and make sexual comments. The rest of the "men" around are and average age of 16. Gross and illegal. Would you pick any of them? Yeah, me either.

I have been a performer on and off throughout the years. I really wouldn't expect to meet anything but a bunch of drama queens and queeny boys performing. It's great to have a new shopping buddy every now and then, though!

I've joined interest group organizations and landed a few dates. But once on the dates discovered we were extremely ill matched and incredibly uncomfortable. After a string of these that I hoped would work out, rumors about me being a tease forced me to leave the organization.

I've been hit on mercilessly at salsa clubs and classes when I decided to take up a new hobby. Just not what I was looking for.

I don't expect friends to set me up. It never has worked out. If it did, I could say that, "It came out of nowhere when I least expected it."

I haven't really expected to meet a man at a bookstore, supermarket, gym, walking down the street or any other place. I have met men this way. It's just that they revealed themselves to be unsavory in one way or another. I went my merry way, much to their chagrin. Noe of them amounted to anything. But I really didn't expect it to.

After I mentioned my single state a woman demanded indignantly, "Please tell me you don't go to church just to meet men!" I don't go to church expecting to meet anyone. I had coffee with ONE guy from church last year. It had been years since and it's been a year since then. I'm sure there are quality guys at church, they just don't ask me out.

If you added up the sum total number of hours that I least expected to meet someone, that's quite a few years. Much longer than anyone else's list of "least expecting" it.

Real life is not like high school or college where everywhere you go you are meeting eligible singles near your age. You can least expect it and still meet someone.

If I were to say that I actually don't expect to find love or get married at all anymore, people would tell me that's sad. I really hope that I will sometime. I just don't EXPECT to. When I least expected it most recently, I had a couple of nice dates and then found out the guy was a little bit weird. That's the "I'd rather text than talk" guy.

I'm glad that "least expecting it" worked out for you. That's wonderful. And it makes you feel better to say SOMETHING. It's what you really BELIEVE. Wish it worked for me like it did for you! If you said this to me in real life I would smile, thank you for the advice and say, "You really ought to read my blog."


Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Too Picky?


One of my favorite theories about singles is that we are too picky. Apparently, some of y'all don't understand what we have to pick from. Let me explain...

I actually had someone ask me, "What would you do if you went on some dates with a guy who was absolutely everything you wanted in all respects but was not a good kisser?"

"Where is that guy? I would go out with that guy. We could work on that. It could be fun."

Really, that's a workable situation. The guy LIKES you. He WANTS to be with you. He treats you well. Again, where IS that guy? That's not what I've had to pick from!

See, when people marry young, they are picking from a pool of young, hot, available, and mostly undamaged people. The supply seems as limitless as the possiblities for their futures. Few, if any, have children or have been married. The people who are ready, willing and able to make a commitment do so, usually as they graduate or soon after.

The one guy I was interested in would rather text than talk. We made it to three dates and I thought of having a boyfriend for the holidays. Now it's over. He works nights and doesn't seem that interested in reserving time for me. Maybe he has someone else he's interested in. Maybe it's him, not me. Would you stick it out? Me either.

I have also been hit on by a very drunk social worker who swore how much he liked me. But then I saw pictures of him all over a bunch of other girls that same night. He also talked constantly about drinking and showing up at work hung over or still drunk. Would you pick that one? Me either.

I tried going out with a guy who had 3 college age kids, severe halitosis, overweight and some health problems. I was just starting in my career and he was already talking about retirement. I liked him as a person and wanted to continue a friendship, but it was a relationship or nothing. Would you pick him? Me either.

A family friend worked really hard to set me up with someone. He teaches college and I enjoyed talking with him. He seemed interested and asked me out. Then he just stopped calling and emailing. Would you pick him? Me either.

I went on an impromptu date with a man who asked me to go back to his place or back to mine or to Vegas about 7 times. He also told me that he talked his last girlfriend into an abortion. Would you pick him? Me either.

As he walked out of a room at a conference, a guy whispered in my ear, "This is your last chance to invite me up to your room." I answered, "I can live with that." Would you pick him? Me either.

I met a single guy who called me 5 times in 3 days. He works in a factory, I have a college degree. Did I mention that he is here on a greencard and doesn't speak much English? Would you pick him? Me either.

I went out with a wealthy CPA. He took me to a nice restaurant but kept comparing me to his ex-wife and then mentioned he thought she was a bitch. Would you pick him? Me either.

There is a really great looking guy who talks about his ex-wife and says he isn't ready for anything serious again. He invited me out to a movie at the last minute and I'm sure, would have invited me to stay over. We are different religions. I haven't heard from him all week. Would you pick him? Me either.

Am I too picky or are the pickings slim?