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Sunday, November 11, 2007

More Dirty Old Men

So I wore a purple dress that showed a little cleavage. Is that so wrong?

Actually, to be honest, I kind of didn't care what anyone thought of me because I had just had a date with a guy I like. The purple dress was really for him.

I went to a progressive dinner where we had people of all ages. I was having a good time laughing, joking around and singing at the table. I also showed off my halloween costume by passing around my cell phone. Some of the guys seemed interested in this. "I'll bet it's something really sexy." Ummm...well, actually it was me as a man!



Perhaps I had been too cute when I asked, "So, you guys have been moving from table to table together, can you introduce each other?" They did. One guy was in construction--something about cranes and multimillion dollar sites. He lives near me and went to a rival high school. The one that gave me his card is loaded. He owns several restaurant chains and sells franchises. He's also old. "Wow, you have a really beautiful voice. I love your laugh." Something about having that voice in his bedroom came right after. "Look, you made her blush!" exclaimed one of the other girls. Wouldn't you know it, the oldest guy there took out his card and handed it to me in front of everyone. "Give me a call sometime. I'll take you out and I'll show you a really nice time." I put the card on the table. How do I get out of this one?

After the dinner, a group of us decided to get some drinks at another place. One of the guys was named Bill, so I sang "Come on and marry me Bill!" I love oldies, just not old men. Ising when I'm happy and I love to dance. Someone asked, "Do you dance when you vacuum?" "Of course I do! And I sing, too. I'm a domestic diva!"

Another Geezer who is a "consultant" asked, "Why don't you come vacuum at my place?"

"What kind of girl do you think I am? I don't just go around vacuuming for every guy!"

Next thing I knew, everyone was saying goodnight and I was alone with him. I guess he likes saucy girls. He started bragging about his car and invited me to go do something fun. "My car can go 150."

"Will you let me drive it?"
"You're not going to crash it are you?"

We walked hand in hand to his car--I couldn't wait to drive the thing. Holding hands with him was maybe a dumb move.

"So, do you have kids?"
"I have one. She's 30."
"I'm your daughter's age."
"Good. Then we're fine for dating. I only date girls that are between 25-35."
"Why not older?"
"They don't like to do fun things like the young ones."
"I don't know if I agree. I knew this lady in her 50s, she was hot and alot of fun."
"I would have to disagree."
"No really, she rode a Harley and had great legs. She worked for my optometrist."

I got the car up to 100 before I started freaking out a little. I missed the place where we were going to turn around and go back. Next thing I knew, he was asking for more. "We're already halfway to Vegas, why don't we just go there?"
I laughed. "No."
"What's to stop us?"
"I'm not that kind of girl. I don't vacuum for just anyone."
"We can get separate rooms. Don't you like Vegas?"
"I don't gamble."
"I don't either. I just like to go and have fun and drop $400,000."
Tempting. "Are you sure you don't want to go?"
"I would have to stop at home."
"What's at home that we can't buy in Vegas?"
"Things."
"What kinds of things?"
"Personal things."
"What kind of personal things?"
"That's personal." (Let's see, thyroid medicine, antidepressants from dealing with my horrible love life...actually I went on them after a concussionjacked up my brain. In other words, none of his damn business. Oh wait, he probably wanted to hear something kinky!)
"Why don't you just take me to your place?"
"No." (I make the ooooooo really long.)
"That wasn't the right answer."
"What do you mean? I said no."
"You were supposed to say yes."
I was thinking, yeah right. Actually, it might have been a great way to get rid of him since my place is a complete national disaster area.
"No." Ha ha. Giggle. This guy is really annoying.

We turned around finally.
"So where are we heading?"
"Back to my car."
"Why don't we go to my place first. I'll take you back to your car in the morning."
"No. I go really slow."
"Are you sure? I'm just 6 miles that way."
"Come on. I'll show you a really nice time."
"You're very persistent."
This wouldn't be a good time to tell him that I have very little experience in that department. I'm sure he'd be very patient and understanding. Yuck.

Then he started telling me about his last relationship with a 30 year old. She got pregnant. He told her he didn't want any part of it. She had an abortion. They had an agreement. No marriage, no kids.

"This is your last chance. All you have to do is turn to the left."
"I told you I don't vacuum for just any guy."
"I'm not any guy. I'm THE guy."
"Unless I want to get married and have a family."

You'd think that would have shut him up. But he was talking from his pants. Why on earth would he think he's offering anything I want? Oh, maybe it was the Grey Goose and cranberry.

I pulled up next to my car. "Listen, if you ever want to go to Vegas, just let me know. I'll take you. Just give me a call." I was thinking up fake numbers. I should have given him a mouthful of cheek, but I let him kiss me so I could make a clean getaway. It was a terrible kiss. Forceful.

"You don't think I'm going to let you walk back to your car by yourself, do you?"
"It's right next to this one." Giggle. This guy was on my last nerve.
"Goodnight." I slipped in my car and drove off as fast as I could thanking my lucky stars that he hadn't given me his card and hadn't asked me for my number.

Clearly this purple dress is very dangerous.



4 comments:

Adi said...

Maybe you should make old people jokes when hit on by too old a guy. Something like "My mom is in the market for a new adult diaper, which one do you use?"

Anonymous said...

Cleage is disrespect for your body, dont show it, find a clean guy, find someone u love, not someone whos gonan love you, as a trohphy -_-", imagine going to a bar or w.e and a guy goes up to you, cause he thinks ur cute, not because he saw some boobs, guys respect those who respect themselves, hope my words helped you? lol anywho, best of luck with ur lover, friends etc.

D said...

I just showed a little cleavage--I don't go to bars to meet guys, anon!! What kind of girl do you think I am? I wonder if this person read all the stuff where I kept telling this guy NO?

D said...

Haha I'm so dumb. My car can go 150 also. I don't know why I was so impressed at the time.