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Saturday, September 8, 2007

Answers to Kid's Questions

Kids asked me lots of questions the first week of school.
Some of these are answers I actually use.

Are you going to have a baby?
1) No, honey, I'm just fat.
2) Only if my baby's name is Crisco.

Do you work out?
Yes. Underneath this marshmallow exterior, I've got abs of steel.

Mrs. D...
Mrs.? Did I run off to Vegas and get married? I don't remember, so I must have been really drunk.

Are you married?
1) No, sweety, and by the way, you might want to consider marrying the first guy who asks you.
2) I'm waiting for the right guy. It's not worth it if you aren't with the right person.

Do you have kids?

Are you married?

Do you want to be married?
1)Yes, then I can quit teaching.
2)Is your dad a. wealthy, b. available, c. good looking or d. all of the above?

Do you want kids?
No, I hate kids.

Do you have a husband and kids?
I used to, but I killed them.

Why are you a teacher?
Obviously for the paycheck. Didn't you hear me what I said I hate kids?

Why are you teaching in this school? Where did you teach before?
Well, I killed one of my students in my last district. They never found the body and weren't able to prove anything. They gave me a great letter of recommendation and a really nice severance package.

Do you like heavy metal?
Yes, what band?

Where did you grow up?
I grew up in X City right near here and my first job was at the Wally World Water Park. (Of course they think that water park is cool.)

What other jobs have you had?
I used to work at McDonald's. I didn't like the manager that told me she was going to make me clean the grout with my toothbrush.

When are we going to get to -----?
I don't know. We STILL don't have our books. I'm going to throw a diva fit over this. (Of course when I said I didn't have to throw a diva fit, the kids said, "Darn. That was gonna be cool.")

Be nice to the crazy ones, you never know what they're gonna do!!!

By the way, I teach high school. I would never say this stuff to a little kid. I'm not that crazy!


Agnon, the representation of the number said...

I spent one hour with kids in a primary school. We were to make them draw their families. Q1: Is it okay not to have a daddy?

Andy said...

Now that's what I'm talking about D.

D said...

Everybody had a daddy, even if daddy's not around. Even kids that come from petri dishes have a daddy. A poor excuse for a daddy, a daddy that dumped your mommy and a daddy that doesn't love you are still daddies. Saying that you don't have a daddy is both really sad and really sick. Telling the whole class all the sorry-ass things your daddy has done is also sad and sick.