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Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Too Many Freaks Out There

The real problem with relationships is that there are too many freaks out there. My latest dude wrote me this loveleeey note.

My inbox is cluttered with a variety of things. One of my favorites is the guy who has his obsessive-compulsive love dice theory about how you have to score similarly on his "love dice" or whatever. So, basically love is like a crap shoot. I agree. I'm getting bitter over this. And here I am confronted with yet another freaky freak.

Here's the note:

From: Freaky Weiro
To: D
Sent: September 10, 2007 10:04:59 AM
Subject: Hi, from Freaky Weirdo !

Hi just read your profile again your green eyes and smile and hair is definitely a plus to your life. Abundant life-the future.

When you have your children,
they will have lots of your smiles and attitude. Wow I would would like a Girl and a boy please , a son and daughter to pray with and love and provide for and listen to there little patter of feet on Christmas day, consider me , I will be totally grateful for the chance of doing a family right, I have a Good job and Jesus might be coming back soon so we need to get us a meeting just to see the goods and see if God could put us together . We must not be afraid to dream and ask God for a family, my dream is to have a boy and girl playing sandcastles on the beaches of Santa Cruz! Wow put this in your tea, try and have a normal day .
Freaky Weirdo

So, riiight, I should step on it and meet him because Jesus is coming back.

As if that weren't bad enough on it's own, the guy's last note revealed to me that he isn't just a dad, OH NOOO. HE'S A GRANDPA!!! AND HE WANTS TO START ALL OVER AGAIN. WITH MEEEEE! I'M SO LUCKYYYYYY!!

Not only might Jesus come back soon, but you might just die without meeting me... which isn't too long from now, GRAMPS!

Nothing personal or anything, but why don't you set me up with your son or, um grandson? Oh, wait, Freaky Weirdo Jr or III?? No thanks. I'll wait for Mr. "Right About Normal".

Saturday, September 8, 2007

I Almost Died After Dinner

I'm grateful to be alive today. Or am I? Dinner sort of stank last night. Misery loves company, so please click your way on into my life.

I sped down a busy freeway to meet some people I didn't even know for dinner. Got stuck in traffic due to a major sporting event. You'd think they'd have taken this kind of game traffic into account when they built the offramps. I hate traffic.

I finally got there thinking I was late and discovered I was early. I met some of the people at the bar. I started chatting about wine with a football player sized Vietnamese guy, a salesman who I'll call "Con man."

I discovered he likes wine that is sweet, fruity and not too tart. "So, you like your wine like you like your women?" He smiled broadly. "That's a great way of saying it."

"You seem to know alot about wine."
"Well, actually, that's just what the bartender told me." What a retard.
I ordered Tears of Dew Moscato. "I like them sweet, like I like my wine. Besides, life is short. Have dessert first."

A quirky blonde showed up. She was really cool and I liked her dress.

I seriously hoped that my other dinner companion wasn't the surly wallflower type sitting on a chair. As the host directed us to a table, Surly surely followed us. Great. I was sure he would warm up once he realized we weren't going to cut off his head and serve his brains with a nice chianti. I don't even like chianti.

Once seated, we were joined by Ted, a financial analyst who had also had quite a drive to get there. We connected over the Gypsy Kings and coffee worshipping whirling dervishes. "The Devil's Cup, a book about the history of the world according to coffee asserts that Western Civilization progressed the way that it did because caffiene caused our enlightenment. Every great idea and every conquest was spurred by coffee." He seemed fascinated. I kept wishing he were just a little bit cuter.

Meanwhile, Surly stared at us and chewed with his mouth open. When he left the table, I said, "I feel so bad for him." Con said, "Don't. He's a grown man."

I reach for my fork and Con said, "Hey, that's my fork." Quirky started in, "I have a really nifty way to remember that. See, knife has 5 letters, so it's on the right, just like right has five letters. Actually, our bread plates also got messed up. Bread has five letters, so you always take the plate to the right. Fork has four letters, just like left. And spoon and glass have five letters, so they o on the right."

"Clearly, you've put alot of thought into this." Said Con. I was a bit dumbfounded. I was more and more astounded that Quirky found ways of settling into strange topics like drinking, tickets and getting pulled over and made to do a sobriety test. She explained that when they ask you to say the alphabet backwards, they want you to say that you can't do that sober because that's an admission of guilt. Like the winner that I am, I chipped in, "I just got a ticket this week for an illegal left turn into my school. You'd think the cop would let me off the hook because I'm a teacher trying to get to school on time." Great, that was a dumb thing to say. (I also asked the cop, "Hey, I'm late. Do you mind just dropping that in my box?") But then Quirky started explaining how to fight the ticket even though in my mind I was clearly an evil sinner who mows children down while they walk to school. Clearly she had put alot of thought into that too!

San Francisco came up in conversation and I sang, "Are you going to San Francisco? Put a flower in your hair..." Con said, "That's the fourth time you've done that. I've been counting." Oh..."Well, it's kind of like Monty Python's Life of Brian. Sometimes I feel like singing..." This behavior scares some people. But, really, I was being good compared to the previous day when I sang an entire medly of tunes from A Chorus Line as I went through a catalog of choral music with some of my students.

Whenever Surly chipped in, he mumbled. We didn't hear a word. I was thanking God I wasn't on a solo date with him.

Con was desperate to leave and, I'm sure, invented some reason to leave. He was on the edge of his seat in the ready position as Quirky prattled on about something.

As we went to the door to leave, Surly took off without so much as a goodbye. I asked if anyone wanted to hang out. Ted did since he had also driven quite far.

So, off we went walking to check out any other hangouts in the local area. During our meander, we crossed a street that wasn't exactly busy. There were signs everywhere that said YIELD TO PEDESTRIANS. Safe, right?

We were more than halfway across the street when a car caught my eye. It was speeding towards us with abandon. I screamed and stepped back. Then I screamed again. Ted stopped cold. The car pulled over just past the crosswalk. I think I was too stunned to be scared--or maybe it was the medication I was on, or the wine with dinner. I almost felt nothing. A lady rolled down her window. "Are you guys OK?"

"Yes, we're OK. Are you drunk?"
She knit her brows, "No. It's just that the light was green and you're wearing black." Ted, dressed in white from head to toe, just stared at her in shock. The only other person on the street turned from his cellphone momentarily and chimed in, "I was a witness. The light was green and you guys really shouldn't take chances like that." Directly over his head was a sign that stated clearly, YIELD TO PEDESTRIANS. The man continued on his way and crossed the street. The lady said, Well, I have to go. I was helping my parents and I'm really tired." She sped off as I wondered if there had been any traffic violations or if I should have savvily whipped out my cell phone to get her photo and license plate.

Ted and I looked at each other. "So, I'm dressed in black and she couldn't see me. She must be blind. Your screaming saved my life."

Of course, I told my students that I was glad I didn't die. I was pretty sure they would have been upset to know that Miss D had died after just starting the school year! Or maybe not. In any case, I'm glad to be alive, even if it meant that I still don't have a boyfriend or husband, the perfect job and have to walk by teenagers at lunch saying, "Please get your tongue out of her mouth" or, "Felipe, not again! Why are you doing something wrong every time I run into you?" Or one kid taking home a book that's part of a class set. Or...

Answers to Kid's Questions

Kids asked me lots of questions the first week of school.
Some of these are answers I actually use.

Are you going to have a baby?
1) No, honey, I'm just fat.
2) Only if my baby's name is Crisco.

Do you work out?
Yes. Underneath this marshmallow exterior, I've got abs of steel.

Mrs. D...
Mrs.? Did I run off to Vegas and get married? I don't remember, so I must have been really drunk.

Are you married?
1) No, sweety, and by the way, you might want to consider marrying the first guy who asks you.
2) I'm waiting for the right guy. It's not worth it if you aren't with the right person.

Do you have kids?

Are you married?

Do you want to be married?
1)Yes, then I can quit teaching.
2)Is your dad a. wealthy, b. available, c. good looking or d. all of the above?

Do you want kids?
No, I hate kids.

Do you have a husband and kids?
I used to, but I killed them.

Why are you a teacher?
Obviously for the paycheck. Didn't you hear me what I said I hate kids?

Why are you teaching in this school? Where did you teach before?
Well, I killed one of my students in my last district. They never found the body and weren't able to prove anything. They gave me a great letter of recommendation and a really nice severance package.

Do you like heavy metal?
Yes, what band?

Where did you grow up?
I grew up in X City right near here and my first job was at the Wally World Water Park. (Of course they think that water park is cool.)

What other jobs have you had?
I used to work at McDonald's. I didn't like the manager that told me she was going to make me clean the grout with my toothbrush.

When are we going to get to -----?
I don't know. We STILL don't have our books. I'm going to throw a diva fit over this. (Of course when I said I didn't have to throw a diva fit, the kids said, "Darn. That was gonna be cool.")

Be nice to the crazy ones, you never know what they're gonna do!!!

By the way, I teach high school. I would never say this stuff to a little kid. I'm not that crazy!

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

No Dumb Guys

What's the politically correct term for idiot?
Did those "No fat chicks" stickers make you mad? I suggest we start a new campaign, "No Dumb Guys."

Joel said...
I have a big list of "to do" things before I start dating! Some of them are:

1. Reduce weight
2. Make my "thing" more bigger :)

Hi Joel,
If you reduce your weight, your "thing" gets bigger or at least longer because you also lose fat "down there." But you might want to try working on your character and relationship skills, other wise girls will think you are such an idiot and a jerk that you will never get to use your "thing" with them. By the way, why would you post this comment on an article about Natural Beauty vs. Botox? Your comment would have been better for some of my other posts. As it is, you prove my point about the kind of guys that are out there, I felt sorry for how lame you are and am still deciding whether or not I will leave your comment there or make a post out of it...

Wouldn't you know it, he wrote back. He promised to work on his character. He said he liked women to be generous--especially when it comes to getting breast implants. I deleted it. I'm bored already.